The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

by Rokelle Lerner

In her latest book, relationship expert Rokelle Lerner, tackles the innerworkings of narcissism and offers compassionate and realistic advice for surviving a relationship with those afflicted with this personality disorder. A Narcissist can make life exhilaratingly exciting one minute, and shear hell the next. A narcissist has no qualms about taking another's money, love, admiration, body or soul to satisfy their unquenchable hunger. They are not inherently evil, but unfortunately their wounds compel them to act in ways that are sometimes unconscionable, damaging, and ultimately tragic. Whether a mother-in-law, friend, coworker or boss, sometimes it's impossible to avoid narcissists, so instead of being miserable or taken advantage of, Rokelle Lerner shares her insights on the dynamics behind this personality disorder to give readers the tools to cope with narcissists, Learning to see narcissists as they see themselves Creating defense factors to ward them off Maintaining a balanced relationship based on mutual love, not one-sided narcissism

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Health, Abuse, Mental Health

274 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2008

Reviews

[shainur · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked up this book because I had read another book by Rockelle Lerner that I thought was pretty good. I had been looking for a book about narcissism but not something that was overly clinical. This book was really good. Finally all the crap that I had been put through made sense. She even highlights other not-so-obvious signs of NPD that made me realize someone else in my life was narcissistic, as well. This book is very good 1) to make sense of what narcissism is all about 2) to understand where the 'crazy' behaviour actually does come from, and 3) to give tools to help you deal with someone with this personality disorder. All I can say after reading this book is that I truly do feel sorry for people who have this disorder. They're so busy making everyone else's life hell just to make themselves feel better that they end up missing out on some of the most beautiful parts of being alive.

[Jennifer Spiegel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Long story short. I read this book after the guy who colors my hair recommended it when we got in a conversation about Alec Baldwin when he learned I love "30 Rock." It turned out that my hairdresser is working on a Masters in Counselling and I'm writing a novel that may or may not be about psychologically-damaged people, who are--quite possibly--Narcissists. I kinda think the guy who does my hair is awesome, and the book sounded like good research-material for my novel.

For the record, I think Alec Baldwin, narcissist or not, is a borderline comic-genius.

And this makes me wonder something. It really does: are all artists narcissists? Not in the psychotic disorder kind of way (which is the focus of this shrinky book)--but in the "narcissistic tendencies" sort of way. What is the role of confidence in the life of an artist? When is that confidence overblown and narcissistic? How does humility fit in?

That's tangential. This book is okay. It's not my thing. I like talking to my hairdresser better.

So the book explores how to handle being in a relationship with the bad kind of Narcissist (not the one with narcissistic tendencies, like most of us). I'm just perpetually cynical about self-help and psychology books, which isn't terribly fair. I do believe in their value, though I hate lines like this one: "Only you and your highest authority can truly bless your choices." Also, I really, really wanted a fuller explanation or exploration of WHY people stay with narcissists. It was addressed, but not fully. And I think this is where my novel-in-progress intersects with this book: WHY DO PEOPLE ENDURE OR PERSIST OR ALLOW THIS SHIT TO HAPPEN? Yes, there are obvious reasons: weird co-dependency things, kids, etc. But I'm interested in the unsaid stuff, the love stuff. There's more to it than the obvious things. Sick people love one another.

Anyway. Not a bad book. I did learn a lot. This is my favorite line, which is actually George Carlin's line: "If it's not one thing . . . it's your mother."

[Arwa Aburizik · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked out this book because I felt I was surrounded by narcissists and thought that maybe reading this book could inspire me to be more tolerant and understanding of narcissists. The beginning of the book was good, informative and applicable to a lot of the patterns I see around me with parents, children and psychosocial risk factors for narcissism. So that was fun. But toward the end, the book talked more about dealing with narcissists in relationships. And since I am not in a relationship with a narcissist, I got less interested in the book. As I read on, I realized that all of the people whom I thought were narcissists in my life actually did not meet criteria according to this book. Yo be more clear, I feel this book highlights the malignant nature of narcissists in an intensity I did not know was possible. It was enlightening, although irrelevant to my life. I think the closest I got to a real narcissist was a former boss who not only was arrogant, but really mean, ruthless and lacked empathy. He was a charmer, a manipulator and a shameless jerk. I now forgive him, and I feel bad for his girlfriend :(

[Angelyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I learned a lot from this book. We all have some narcissistic tendencies, but the thing I thought was the most interesting was that true narcissists carry a heavy shame that they bury deep. It's too painful to deal with, so they just can't. Shame is different than guilt. Shame is not healthy and a can be given to an innocent with criticism and abuse etc. Guilt comes because of something we've done and can be a healthy deterrent.

[Robert · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was grateful to learn more about what narcissism is and how to better understand people with these tendencies. However, I didn't like how Lerner made such an absolute distinction between a narcissist and someone with narcissistic tendencies. In my mind I see this as a continuum of severity, with different traits causing people to act in different ways.

Lerner kept insisting that ALL narcissists do exactly this and behave in this exact way. While labels can help us understand people and situations, Lerner is continually using works like "never" and "always" to describe narcissists. "A true narcissist has no qualms about taking your money, your love, your admiration, your body, or your soul to satisfy their unquenchable hunger." (p. 3)

While Lerner nods towards altruistic motive, "The purpose of this book is not to vilify narcissists", she goes on to do basically that. "They all have these bad traits, they are all out to get you and they will never change" seems to be her message.

The advice she gives seems either like common sense or not applicable in most cases. "Setting limits with a workplace narcissist can feel like tossing a boomerang and watching helplessly while it comes back and smashes you in the head. ... If you want to commit emotional suicide, then walk into a narcissist's office and wing it, especially if you have something critical that needs to be said." (p. 96) She then goes on to "empower" you with the three essential ingredients you need to confront a narcissist: "presence", "communication" and "timing."

There's a little bit of the narcissist in every one of us, and much that is good in the worst narcissist. Understanding these tendencies and their consequences enables all of us to help each other function better as individuals, families and society.

Page Turner: 2/10
Honest: 6/10
Intelligent: 5/10
Uplifting: 3/10

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book had some good information but it just didn’t sit right with me. I’m not sure exactly why , but I felt there were a LOT of generalizations.

When we’re falling in love with someone, to an extent, we all temporarily become narcissistic. We love how the other person sees “us”. I guess what bothers me is the overuse of the word narcissist. I worry that if we’re quick to label we might miss what really is going on.

I also felt the author was a little preachy and judgmental. . . But I think I’m in the minority here so give it a try. I wouldn’t suggest Audible version , the narrator was very monotone.

[B*tchy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this book at a conference after hearing the author's lecture. This book does an excellent job explaining narcissism and how it shows up in various relationships. She does a great job clearing up the misconceptions of narcissism and reminding people of the humanity of those who live with this personality disorder. I found this book to be easy to read and extremely helpful working with children of narcissist. My clients love it, and they see the differences between entitlement and narcissism.

[Karen Stevens · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. If you have a narcissist in your life that is sucking the life blood from, this is the book to read. It provides clear understanding of the world through the eyes of the narcissist. It helps to put in perspective behavior that may be so confusing and damaging. From this point of knowledge and understanding of the world through the eyes of the narcissist, decisions can be made easier and the resulting pain lessened. It helped me tremendously.

[Erin Hearts · Rating 4 out of 5]

A heavy-duty take on narcissism and the responsibility of oneself when you realize you've allowed your life to be hijacked by a human vampire. It was recommended to me by my therapist. This is a hard book to read because the author is brutally honest towards the most-likely-codependent partner that will allow a narcissist to beat them down for years on end. While she, and most other authors, agree that it's not the partner's fault that he/she was treated abysmally, it is our own responsibility to learn about this alleged mental health condition and do two things: Firstly, choose to engage with the narcissist differently (learn new skills) and secondly, stop obsessing about the narcissist as the cause of all your problems and look at your own behaviors that allowed this insanity to occur for years on end. She even asserts that the partners of narcissists, while many are probably codependent, they may also be narcissists but with different presenting traits. We are certainly all a little narcissistic, maybe one would prefer to call it egocentric, but luckily many of us are able to grow out of this with a slightly healthier childhood or a solid choice to change in adulthood. This author believes that narcissists are stunted at the emotional level a 15-18-month-old! So, she believes that this is a "nurture" issue. I have read other authors with more recently published works that think it is mostly a "nature" or innate issue. I'm still not quite sure who to believe and need to do more research, but my intuition is telling me that it is certainly a "nature" issue to a point. My husband and I both had very stunted emotional growth and that certainly was one of the reasons that we were so attracted to each other. The difference between him and me though, is that I've been willing, for the past five years, to do the work it takes to change, to grow, to learn how to behave and love the world and turn the mirror to myself instead of blaming others. He, on the other hand, still chooses to see the world as a force to reckon, a game to beat where he always must be the victor to feel alive, worthwhile.
What I do like about this book is the empathy the author kindles for each person in the relationship. I don't have to hate my narcissist husband for what he did to me. I can see that we loved each other the best that we could at the time, which now I may or may not say is "love." Now that I see how poorly he treats me, it is my job to find a way to engage with him (we have a child together) while saving myself from his despicable dealings and contemptuous opinions. I like this empathetic view because, as a student of Oprah and Marianne Williams, love is the only truth, love is the only reality. The only way to deal with the world is to return to love at each point of contention. I am now working on still being able to love- maybe even him- but putting up my boundaries so that I'm protected from his self-hatred. But to see him as the same as me in some ways is a humbling experience and I think that's the message my favorite authors relay. We can have empathy and compassion for others, because we all are wounded children in many ways. But that doesn't mean we let others walk all over us. Now to figure out how to navigate the world under these beliefs is my new reality, my new challenge. Even if people have treated us horribly, they are still not all bad and no one is all good. We are truly all the same with a few compounded experiences that make us talk, look, act a bit differet. If I can remember that lesson and move through life with that assertion, I know that loving others will come naturally, no matter the disagreement. The only disagreement I have now is with myself- why did I let that person take advantage of me? What red flag did I miss?
I still have so much to learn, but at all expense, this book helped get me out of the self-pity mode and thrown into true reflection that hinges on our own choices and looking at our own barriers to love.
One final idea I wanted to explore is the metaphor used that connects narcissists' need to suck the life and emotion out of their victims to the idea of the blood-sucking vampire. It truly does feel like my emotions and my uniqueness was sucked dry by my narcissistic husband. I also think it's interesting that during the time I was the most depressed, hurting the most in my marriage, I had an obsession with vampire novels. This crazy got big around the country, but I had been into vampires for a while with Ann Rice, then Buffy the Vampire Slayer, one of my favorite series', and eventually Twilight (one of the worst series' but still fun). I read all the Sookie Stackhouse novels before True Blood came out, then devoured the first three seasons of that show. Those books and the show jumped the shark a few years into the madness, but at that time I started to get healthier and had learned a little about standing up for myself. I viewed Sookie differently when I tried to watch the show last year. I had lost all of the interest in those characters, and especially her who now I viewed as such a push-over, so much that it almost made me ill. Interesting, huh? How what we read and what we're enthralled with actually does lead as a window into our psyche.

[Lisa Gray · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the least well-known books about narcissists and one of the best! Review up on my blog soon, www.therapybooknook.com/blog

[Marie desJardins]

In my search for books about dealing with difficult people at work, this is one of the better ones I've read. The chapters about the causes and symptoms of narcissism are very interesting and insightful (if occasionally a bit "academic psychology jargon-ish"). Unfortunately for my purposes, the rest of the book is primarily about personal relationships with narcissists. There is just one short chapter about dealing with narcissists in a work environment, and most of that chapter focuses on having a narcissist manager, which isn't relevant for me. But there's a bit of good advice in that chapter, and some more useful material scattered throughout the other chapters.

If you're looking for a book about dealing with a narcissist in your personal life, I would definitely strongly recommend this book. For work, it's still useful, but not as much so.

[MartyAnne · Rating 4 out of 5]

A therapist I was seeing suggested to me that perhaps there was more than one narcissist in my life. After the first 20 pages of this book I was at three ...and counting. So many things made sense. This book is written by a therapist with experience being in a close relationship with a narcissist. So, she is well-versed in how entrancing they can be, and how careful people who love them must be. How essential boundaries are safety on the emotional, physical and spiritual levels.
Narcissists are very much energy vampires, formed from deep emotional wounds. The book also lays out sections for some strategies for coping with having a narcissist as a parent, or as a partner, or an employee, etc.

[EG · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. There's something interesting and useful information in here (e.g. on different 'types' of narcissism, and on the potential origins of narcissistic traits), and I'm sure I'll come back to the book from time to time. I would have benefited from a lengthier chapter (or chapters) on working with narcissists, but I do appreciate that the book is intended for a general audience and for people in relationships with narcissists at work/home.

[Niniane · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book talked about how to detect and avoid narcissists.

Narcissists may pair up. One wants attention and the other wants admiration. The unspoken agreement is that each will provide what the other needs. If one side stops giving, the other side also stops providing their end.

They are often projecting their uncomfortable feelings onto the other person. The book has a story where a woman feels angry at her boyfriend (both are narcissists), and bails on their plans, which makes him feel insecure. But he then lashes out at her, causing her to express the insecurity, while he expresses anger.

If a narcissist goes to a therapist, their transference will lead them to first overvalue and then devalue the therapist. They will lash out. They may be sensitive to any sign of rejection from the therapist. It sounded like therapists have a hard time dealing with narcissists. It made me realize how foolhardy it is for a regular person (non-therapist) to attempt to change a narcissist, when it's extremely difficult even for a trained professional.

Sometimes people are reluctant to give up on a narcissist because they'd have to face the death of their dream, and they may also be afraid of being abandoned. If they can get past these, they'll have an easier time facing reality.

Having a community is helpful, when dealing with a narcissist. The more that we allow ourselves to become isolated, the more we feel depressed, insecure, and hopeless.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book had similar information and techniques to deal with narcissists as other books I have read. It was a little bit more clinical in some sections, but overall it was a good read. It has good phrases to use when you don't want to get sucked into a defensive, losing cycle, with a narcissist as well as a good breakdown of the types of narcissists.

[Pamrla · Rating 5 out of 5]

I like the definition of a Narcissist in this book . Feel for those who feel the wrath of any type of Narcissist . Liked how the author introduces self care and assistance on how to handle a Narcissist situation you are caught in. Very interesting and helpful book . Also an insight into personality disorders.

[danny b · Rating 4 out of 5]

Geared more toward women in abusive relationships with men, this book offers some excellent tools for both sexes. Worth a read if you're down the rabbit hole of studying cluster b personality disorders.

[Priscilla Cotten · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was very helpful to me as I was moving on from narcissists in my past. Very informative and true on every level. The author is extremely knowledgeable and experienced in working with true narcissists. I recommend this book to each friend and family member who are interacting with narcissists regularly.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent book for someone who may be coping with a family member or loved one with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

[Stacie Baker · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a life changer! I had all the emotions while reading it! It made me mad, sad, laugh & cry! It opened my eyes to so many things. This is a **MUST** read!!!

[Andrea Renfrow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enlightening and disturbing. I needed to read this.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book at a time when I was trying to cope with a Narcissistic boss who was making me MISERABLE. For me personally, Narcissists keep showing up in my life- partly because I'm usually in places and situations that they seek out. So, I wanted to educate myself that much more. This is a good, common man, non-clinical read on Narcissism. It helps you gain a perspective of what's going on and how to cope with it without letting it get the best of you. Helpful, but certainly not preachy. The only thing I didn't like about the book was the "it's not their fault they're that way.." voice it seemed to have. I prefer accountability for your actions, despite what the diagnosis/personality traits are. Other than that, very good.

[Roman · Rating 4 out of 5]

There's a ton of information in this book. The author covers a lot of ground. For much of the book, identifying Narcissists and people with Narcissistic style is the focus. The last is how to survive one and cope with detachment.

[Diana Rodriguez · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book provides a good overview of the factors that can lead an individual to develop Narcissistic personality disorder.It is helpful in outlining the differences between what an individual with narcissistic traits looks like versus someone who has a full blown narcissistic personality disorder.

[Charlotte · Rating 3 out of 5]

There is not much new here. Other books on codependency are easier to use for self-growth. However, the explanation for narcissistic personality disorder is a good one and a new way to look at family of origin problems.

[M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read on the Narcissists that try to invade our lives.

[Ruth Anne Corbett · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is really really interesting...........honest

[Barbs · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great read - I never really knew what a true narcissist was like. Now I do and no-one is immune from displaying some traits :-)

[Danyelle Leafty · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars. Excellent read if you're dealing with/researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Lots of helpful information, although much is slanted towards dealing with a partner who has NPD.

[Dom · Rating 5 out of 5]

it helps.