I Am Going to Clone Myself Then Kill the Clone and Eat It

by Sam Pink

The Holy Bible of Bad Feelings returns!

Longtime bipolar idiot Sam Pink brings you right back to the beginning with this remastered edition of his first underground hit. Find out why it would be great to get accidentally killed by a bus. Find out how to perform hardcore sex and never have any fun. Find out why it would be better if your mom was a Ugandan hooker. And find out how to fill your mouth with confetti before blowing your own head off.

Because a dead horse isn't ever fully beaten. Because when you get to Hell there will be a seat saved for you. Because you can't afford too many hellos. Because every time you come home, you stand in the door way and think, "It's time for a monster to eat me now." And then a monster eats you!

Be brave enough to read this book.

Be brave enough to clone yourself then kill the clone and eat it.

Genres: Poetry, Short Stories, Bizarro Fiction, Fiction, Literature, American, 21st Century

168 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2009

About the author

Sam Pink is the author of The No Hellos Diet, Hurt Others, I Am Going to Clone Myself Then Kill the Clone and Eat It, Frowns Need Friends Too, and the cult hit Person. His writing has been published widely in print and on the internet, and also in other languages. He lives in Chicago, where he plays in the band Depressed Woman.

Reviews

[karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

HAPPY POETRY MONTH!

april is national poetry month,
so here come thirty floats!
the cynics here will call this plan
a shameless grab for votes.
and maybe there’s some truth to that—
i do love validation,
but charitably consider it
a rhyme-y celebration.
i don’t intend to flood your feed—
i’ll just post one a day.
endure four weeks of reruns
and then it will be may!

**************************

You will be my friend until I say something to you in person that frightens you.

that's pretty much what you need to know going into this book. it is a collection of poetic musings by a bipolar writer that really captures the highs and the lows, and expresses them in a way that feels claustrophobic but also fresh and lovely, even when the subject matter does in fact become frightening

there are moments of desperate tenderness:

-I wish I were the person you imagine yourself to be because then you'd love me and never let me go.

-Every new relationship is made of cotton and I am a bee that is on fire, lost and ready to land.

-When I touch my face to yours, I think, "This is our first mistake."

-I'm looking for someone to spend time with
but I can't afford too many hellos.

self-loathing:

-And I saw my reflection in a lake and I waited for it to freeze a little bit so I could break it with my boot.

-My ideal date would involve painful silence. My ideal date wouldn't involve me.

-If I ever decide to shoot myself, I'll make sure to stuff my mouth with confetti, so it looks pretty for no one.

-And I lie down on your carpet so long that you think I will stay forever but I get up and I see the indentation in the carpet and I get jealous and say, "I am no longer needed here."

and flat-out aggression:

-And I fill my mouth with mud and put broken sticks in the mud and while you watch TV I bite you and bruise your arms and leave my name and address by the bruises so people know who gave them to you.

-Sometimes I wish I was a hair on your body because then I could be close to you but not have to say anything.
And sometimes I wish you were a hair on my body so I could cut you with a razor and not get in trouble.

-Turn you around and hug you. And slowly slip a knife through your back so it comes out the front and pierces me and we die connected.

-After I jump-kick your face, I will kiss it. There will be many kisses—an amount that eventually becomes annoying and vaguely frightening.

-And your broken skull is not a puzzle, it's just garbage.

-Until I die, the world is the yard, composed of hands reaching up to shake mine.
And I am the lawnmower.

but then there will be funny little stories like this one:

At the DMV, while I waited for my new license to be printed, a lady walked in with a stroller. At the same time, I noticed a sign on the wall that read: No eating or drinking. I turned to the lady and motioned to her kid. "Excuse me ma'am read the sign," I said. Then I realized she wasn't going to eat the kid, she was just watching it or whatever. But you never know.

i really loved this collection. i also love john frusciante. and i think if you listen to niandra lades and usually just a t-shirt while reading I smash my smile against yours (my favorite piece in the book), you could actually catch bipolar disorder with no previous disposition. and then you could write like this.

Lie down; it's time for me to walk over you and call you a bridge I no longer need.

come to my blog!

[Greg · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not so much a review, as a series of quotes from the book interspersed with some things comments, more out of an obligation to fill the space in between the quotes than out of any desire to communicate anything with anyone about myself or this book.

And I know different methods of self-destruction but none as intense as sitting still by myself.

I've got some mixed feelings about this book.

One on the one hand it's hilarious. And then I think about some recent things going on around these parts of goodreads and I think, isn't this just a funnier version of some of the bullshit we've been seeing lately? I couldn't let current-events cloud my ratings, though, so I went with my gut and gave it four stars because if I had read this at another time I would have more thoroughly enjoyed it.

I hate my head.

And if you don't hate yourself, no one will.

And your broken skull is not a puzzle, it's just garbage.

So be ugly for me or I will hammer a nail into your ear.

You're pathetic and I draw the world on your face before I step on it.

I put the shit that comes out of your mouth beneath your nose.

I sit in my room and cut circles out of the dark and throw them beneath you, hoping hoping hoping hoping hoping that you will fall somewhere I don't even know about, somewhere I couldn't even reach my hand into if I wanted.

Because you are afraid to die.

Because you haven't begun to make it necessary yet.

Because your whole life is a fucking coloring book.

Please change your mind.

I was here first.

Hilarious, right?

A sunburned homeless man came up to me yesterday and showed me his forearm. There was gaping would along the bone, barely held together by office staples. The wound leaked clear liquid. I gave him what was in my pockets--70 cents. That was probably enough to buy more staples. Enough to keep his wound somewhat cured. And me? I'm so great it hurts.

That one really spoke to me, being so self-righteous and all. It's like this guy just gets me. Sometimes I just want to give myself a great big hug because I'm so great of a person. The desire to give myself a great big hug I believes cancels out all the times I think about doing awful things to other people.

You know you're truly alone when you feel the need to tell someone abut a nap you recently took.

Fucking shit. I usually tell Karen every time I spent some of the day napping. What is my life turning into? But really do you think there is something wrong with a person when sometimes the high point of their day off is a toss up between fighting on the internet with strangers, doing laundry or taking a nap? I don't think so either. Usually those days off end with learning better techniques at punching someone in the face. Come to think of it punching things really hard is the high point of those days, unless I get to kick things really hard, too. Then it's kicking things. Kicking is fun.

When I get to hell I will save you a seat.

When you get to hell I will act like i don't know you.

Ok, so maybe this isn't all that hilarious, or maybe it says something about me that I found this book very funny while reading it. I'm not quite sure where the humor is at this moment though, maybe the absurd part of my brain is shut down for the evening. Maybe I'm just thinking that there is something wrong with me for being drawn to the depressive/pitying/violence of this book.

And I hope we meet again so you can guess how old I am by the rings around my eyes and I hope we meet again so I can judge how much I've died according to your limp smile.

Karen's review was better. I don't think I used any passages she did. But if I did just chalk it up as another failure.

[Mike Kleine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I began reading a random page out loud and everyone in the room made faces. At first, they asked me if it was something I had written.

I said, "No." And then I added, "This is by Sam Pink, not me."

So they asked me, "Who the f*** is Sam Pink?"

And I said "Sam Pink is a new author I am trying out."

I read a couple more pages from the book and now all my friends want I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT.

I said "Yes," to them but really, I know I will never give them I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT because I need to frame it above my headboard.

And then I need to video-tape my face. And put it on a loop, at the foot of my bed.

[Donald Armfield · Rating 5 out of 5]

You're walking by a cemetery, and you think, "oh yeah that's right"
When you read this Sam Pink book you start to say what the fuck am I reading. You read it aloud to someone and they look at you like you are brushing your teeth with a toliet brush.

A hope for a bus to kill you, Will you move in with Sam Pink? An incomplete list of things to be reincarnated as. To envy the moon with such anger. Trips to the library but not for books. Genital Mutilation with an unwanted item. Sam Pink is a bizarre man, but I love it. His blurps of how much it sucks and how much he loves it will give you some unforgettable laughter.

Selfish Asshole I was straight out laughing "I can't put my mouth over your cat's head and just stand there while it scratched my face" "I couldn't pick a scab and put it in your strawberry jelly" Don't leave your window open for this guy.

Things That Details a Trip To The Supermarket Straight out hilarious!

[Heidi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Väkivaltafantasioiden overkill (ylilyönti). Itsesatiirin performanssi. Inhon diskokuume. Monomaaninen splätterijunttaus. Lakoninen häiritsevä läntti. Pikimustaa ja groteskia huumoria. Lyhytproosaa, lyhytdraamaa ja runoutta. Jos nuttura (tai manbun) on liian kireällä tai puvun takki (tai rippimekko) liian löysällä, niin tätä ei kannata lukea. Mutta tämä kirja voi olla lomamatka, irtiotto arjesta ja perusnormiarkiblahblaah:sta, jos kykenee katsomaan boksin ulkopuolelle, päästämään irti ja nauramaan mielettömyydelle.

"Kävelet hautausmaan
ohi ja ajattelet:
jep, nimenomaan"

"PÄÄTÖS
Jos joskus päätän ampua itseni, täytän ensin suuni paperisilpulla, jotta se olisi kaunista"

"NEUVOJA
Käteltyäsi jotakuta kannattaa sanoa: "Viimeinkin. Olen aina halunnut koskettaa toista ihmistä."
Katsellessasi hajamielisesti kättäsi kannattaa myös sanoa: "En tule enää koskaan olemaan puhdas.""

"OSITTAINEN LISTA TÄMÄN HETKISISTÄ TUNTEISTANI
Ryppyinen hot dog pyörimässä lämpölampun alla bensa-asemalla.
Sähkölangalle heitetty kenkäpari.
Keuhkosyöpäisen vanhan miehen ysköksen haju käsissä.
Jokin liitutaululle kirjoitettu ja sitten pyyhitty tärkeä juttu, josta voi edelleen saada osittain selvää.
Vastapaskottu vaippa, jolle on ripoteltu kourallinen strösseleitä.
Ei yhtään mitään."

"Ja ajelin häpykarvani ja punoin niistä köyden ja hirtin itseni kattotuulettimeen".

Suomennokset: V.S.Luoma-aho

[Zadignose]

This is a mixed bag, and it has some gems in it. (Apologies for using the phrase "mixed bag" in one more review, but it's apt.) Some parts feel proto-Pink: they are a strong pointer to how Pink would later develop as a writer. It's a good book for completionists, but if you haven't read Pink yet, you could do well to leap into one of his later novellas, and his latest paired set, The Garbage Times/White Ibis is something you should get to quickly. Later you can come back to this for quality shorts such as "Seven Versions of the Same Version" and "Thing that Details a Trip to the Supermarket."

If Pink had been a part of the poetry and prose reading group in Albuquerque that I once frequented, he'd be the star for sure. It would be exciting to see a 24-year-old Pink stealing the show. But today he's a star of another caliber.

[Jason · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've interviewed Sam Pink, I've exchanged several e-mails with Sam Pink, I've read his stories on-line, I have read his blog and I have even read marveled at his artwork, yet as I read through his debut collection, I don't know if I know anything more about Mr. Pink then when I started. Much of his book is written in first person, but I find myself asking what person. At first glance this is a series of surface exchanges, mundane encounters filtered through a slightly damaged mind, but as the brief stories begin to build certain images repeat and develop. However, you don't know if these images are a character or the real man behind the persona.

The "I" that fills the 168 pages of Clone is lonely, angry, confused, and experiencing life at a pace and in a location that he has not chosen. You feel as though you are reading a diary or somehow ready every thought of this troubled person. Yet, you are strangely comforted by an odd sense of humor and moments so awkward that they make you smile and look around the room to see if anyone may be watching. Despite all of that you still don't know if this "I"is the writer or just a reoccurring figure in these puzzling poems.

"I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT" was published by Barry Graham and was the first book on his Paper Hero Press imprint. It is extremely well crafted and an interesting look at the work and world of one of the most secretive writers in independent lit.

[Ville Verkkapuro · Rating 4 out of 5]

I absolutely adore these dirty books and texts of Sam Pink and also of Scott McClanahan, who belongs in the same avantgardeist postmodern anarchist way of writing, or that's why I at least think.
So violent, so revolting, so funny. This reads to me like a Harmony Korine film, I am absolutely in love with this world. It's like a teenagers diary, like a VHS full of weird clips, like a 4chan thread.
I was absolutely stunned when I found out this was translated. I thought I was alone. I'm very glad I'm not, I hope this weird, dirty book finds its readers here, too.
Also: I think this book has the best name ever.

[Topi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ällöttävä, väkivaltainen ja silti niin arkinen. Oli melkeinpä ihailtavaa tai ainakin yllättävää, miten Pink on keksinyt näin monia eri tapoja kuvailla väkivaltaa ja kaikkea muuta etovaa. Tuntuu siltä, että tässä jokin taso jäi mulle vielä piiloon. Selvästi huumoriksi tarkoitettu, mikä ei mua kyllä juurikaan naurattanut, mutta se ei silti haitannut lukukokemusta; absurdiudessaan tää teos piti mielenkiinnon

En oo varma ansaitseeko tää kolme vai neljä tähteä, mutta mennään nyt neljällä

[Sergsab · Rating 3 out of 5]

El caos se llama Sam Pink.
El origen de la destrucción se llama Sam Pink.
La entropía más sórdida con la que me he cruzado alguna vez en mi vida se llama Sam Pink.

Este chico hila fino con agujas oxidadas. Y el resultado es un tejido con motivos hipnóticos que produce urticaria al contacto con la piel -cualquier tipo de piel-. A veces da en en la diana al diseccionar la soledad propia de cualquiera que ande perdido en una gran ciudad. Pero también marea. Y salta de rama en rama sin lógica alguna. No existe narrativa en estos poemas. Sólo su voz, la maldita voz ronca de Sam Pink, dejando que todo lo que lleva dentro salga fuera. Dejando que lo de fuera, lo penetre y así airear sus entrañas gracias a la multiplicidad de orificios.

Mantente lejos de este chico si tienes problemas cervicales porque para oír lo que dice, uno tiene que arrastrarse mucho. Es posible que si entras aquí de cualquier modo acabes confundiendo tu propia cabeza con una de esas carreteras comarcales donde sólo transitan sociópatas y tullidos.

[Jason Jordan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sam Pink has a way with words, to put it mildly. Much of I Am Going to Clone Myself Then Kill the Clone and Eat It is humorous due to its outright zaniness. Pink's lines about intestines are especially funny--"I will donate my organs provided that my large intestine (undamaged) will be used as a snorkel" (37), and "I bet a large intestine filled with marbles would be a good or even great weapon" (41). But, I do wish there were more stories a la "7 Versions of the Same Version" and "Conversation."

[James Dunphy · Rating 5 out of 5]

After the first story my reaction was "WHAT THE FLYING FUCK". It was beautiful, and that feeling came to me after almost every short short story in this collection. Reading Sam Pink makes me feel warm, ugly, alive, reptilian, exposed, and true.

If you've ever read the fantastic indy comic Johnny the Homicidal Maniac you know that Johnny updates a "Die-ary" periodically. This IS Die-ary in all it's disgusting isolated glory. I'm going to be reading this over and over and over again probably until I die.

[Kyle · Rating 1 out of 5]

Vague sentimentality veiled under the guise of meaningless violence and sex. Edgy for the sake of being edgy. Nothing really here but a bunch of anxious and depressive ramblings that aren't even well written. Don't get it. How this is so highly rated is beyond me.

[alex · Rating 4 out of 5]

Patrick Bateman's version of Milk and Honey (based on the tumblr posts i've seen)

[Tuuli Tammenkoski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kuoleman ja väkivallan ympärillä villisti pyöriviä pakkoajatuksia, surrealistisen groteskeja tappofantasioita ja verta ja suolenpätkiä tihkuvia rakkaudentunnustuksia. Sisäelimiä, sydänsuruja ja teräaseita. Itseinhoa ja itsekeskeisyyttä, itseironiaa ja sen täydellistä puutetta.

Ei siis ihme, että nautin todella tän lukemisesta.

Tää edustaa perinteisen runouden sijaan flarfia eli kokeellista netin laudoilta ja laidoilta kootuista pätkistä muodostettuja yllättäviä, camppeja, epäsovinnaisia ja provosoivia tekstejä. Tykkään flarfista kovasti (ja kirjoittelen toisinaan itsekin), se kyseenalaistaa täysin sen mitä runous voi olla ja kuka ja miten runoutta saa tuottaa ja esittää.

Kuten tyylilajiin kuuluu, kieli on tarkoituksellisen kökköä ja yksinkertaista ja välimerkit on useimmiten korvattu ja-sanalla. Nopealla vilkaisulla missään mitä tää teos sisältää, ei näytä olevan mitään järkeä. Kuitenkin tää onnistuu absurdin liioittelun ja murhanhimoisen sekoilun avulla tavoittamaan paljonkin siitä, miltä tuntuu voida pahoin, olla ahdistunut ja yksinäinen, olla tuntematta oikein mitään.

Tää on hillitön, holtiton, vaarallinen ja yllättävä. Tätä lukiessa samaan aikaan naurattaa ja inhottaa, vähän ravisuttaa, ja siinä sivussa saattaa oivaltaa jotain ihan uutta.

[Lyyra Virtanen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Charles Bukowski meets Patrick Bateman.

Don't know how to rate this. Probably would've loved it a lot more if it was not so obviously written by a white cis het man. I don't want to hear about how your dick gets hard when you see a pair of boobs, I've had enough of the male gaze. (By the way, I have no clue how the writer identifies themselves, but at least the narrator of I am Going to Clone Myself had a privileged voice, a voice of not knowing what it feels like to be a part of a minority. But this is just me ranting.)

I don't mind graphic violence and some of it was quite funny, I guess? I think I should maybe write an actual essay about this book, I read it for a uni course anyway. Have to appreciate the teacher who picked this one for the reading list.

I'm giving it 3 stars for now but I'll have to reconsider it later.

[Sam · Rating 3 out of 5]

“I should've worn underwear today. I should've called up a random number and asked them to come over today. I should've cut up the newspaper and made up new news today. I shouldn't even acknowledge that today is today. I should buy a model car set and assemble it and put it in my toilet and shit on it today. I should make up my own religion today. I should clean my boots. I should pry loose the slots of dirt from the treads and make a mannequin of myself. I should remember that I am going to die today. Not die today maybe, but remember it today. I should take a picture of myself to make sure I am real today. I should make sure.”

[juno · Rating 5 out of 5]

luin tän netistä ilmaisesta pdf-tiedostosta just ennen joulua ja se jotenkin ehkä kiteytti tän kirjan. en tiiä mitä muuta sanoa mut täs on kaksi mun lempilainausta:

"Lähtiessäsi suihkusta kääntäisit hanan kylmälle, ja sydämeni saisi hikan. Olisin peloissani. Seuraisin sinua huoneeseeni. Kun kuivaisit itseäsi, lukitsisin oven ja sanoisin: ”Rukoile jumalaasi, sillä on tullut kärsimyksen aika. Tahdon sinun todistavan painajaistani.”

Kun kosketan kasvoillani kasvojasi, ajattelen: ”Tämä on ensimmäinen virheemme.”

joihin oon tietysti tykästynyt oman agendani kautta ja jotka ei edusta kirjaa mitenkään hyvin

[Fallon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book carried me through the height of my ptsd. Every word written had me laughing at the striking resemblance of my own thoughts. It gave me reassurance that creativity vs mental health has polarity one is not yet the other. I’m grateful for this book. It was my popcorn under the couch we all suddenly laugh at when you know the storm is nearing its end. Thank you sam!

If you don’t have any idea of what the fuck this book is- just read it. Go in totally unknowing . It’s a time capsule for days to be yearned and thought you may have never had.

[Jiv Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

he does it again and again and again

[Edward · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tick tock tick tock I won’t hold your hand when you die

[Lusas · Rating 5 out of 5]

whimsical and fun

[Valentina Vio · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nose si reír o llorar desconsoladamente o sentir mucho miedo. La verdad sentí todo un poco.

[Thrillhouse · Rating 3 out of 5]

oh yeah that's right

[Ima · Rating 3 out of 5]

humor, suciedad y grotesco en cantidad pero si escarbas tambien encontras a un hombre queriendo decir algo tierno

[Ani Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's the kind of thing you need to read a few times, like old poetry, only less boring. Seemingly disconnected short bits, long bits, prose poetry, plays. But not that you feel jostled from one thing to the next - more like thinking, where this thought naturally but unpredictably maybe leads to that one. Engrossing imagery that sticks to the inside of your eyelids. Darkness handled with the innocence, lightness, the awakening curiosity of an eight year-old boy. One of those precocious ones that knows too much. I can't say enough good about this book without making myself a little sick. It's like a fucked up Easter egg hunt and I'm scarfing too many chocolate bunnies. Just in time for Spring. Even the cover surprises.

Oh, P.S. - I 'interview' the author here: http://www.writers-bloc.net/2009/03/2...

[Ali Leopard · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love this book for this reason: the way Pink can describe that indescribable feeling. The first time I read this work, I thought I was missing the point. It seemed like a jumbled mess, but maybe that is the whole point. Through Pink's scrambled thoughts, you can feel and relate to his depression and his belief that he will never be happy or make others happy... things you already feel, but feel alone in. I am not saying the point of his work is to make you feel less alone in your sadness, because it is not. I believe this work doesn't have a hidden meaning. The point of this work is much more selfish. It's just him trying to explain to himself how he feels. And if it helps others voice their feelings along the way, that's a bonus. Moral of the story: if you like weird, sad, beautiful, funny, confusing poetry by possibly schizophrenic authors.... buy this immediately.I loved it.

[Autumn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the first Sam Pink work I had ever read and by the second passage it really clicked.

Of course, as implied by the title, this work is somewhat odd. However, I felt like it hit close to home. His style is very stream of consciousness and as someone who has suffered from manic depression, it was like I read an extension of my thoughts that dug even deeper past my subconsciousness.

I really love this book and all of its raw, vulnerable greatness.

[Marcus · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that keeps me going. Accessible and avant garde in true spirit of the project: unifying art and life! Pink walks the line between reality and the hyper-real/surreal. Making the everyday strange. But not like any of those French surrealists dudes. Or the Spanish or the Russians or whoever. And not even like Richard Brautigan. What is it like? It is like maybe Bukowski (without the sexism) plus David Lynch. But only like. It is its own thing entirely. It's a lot like life.

[Emily Joyce · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I respected what Pink did with this collection, I can't say I particularly enjoyed it... at least not simple "reading as entertainment" enjoyment. The visceral violent imagery, the grotesquerie have woven a semi-terrifying narrator, moreso that deep down some of that violence resonates in me.