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The Polysecure Workbook: Healing Your Attachment and Creating Security in Loving Relationships
The Polysecure Workbook encourages examination of any attachment challenges you may have experienced in your opening up process and offers insights into how to build secure relationships. Through practical exercises, you will explore your own attachment history, examine your reasons for practicing nonmonogamy and the different styles of nonmonogamy that you relate to, and consider whether you rely on relationship structure for your attachment security. The Polysecure Workbook provides the tools needed to navigate the complexities of multiple loving relationships and to build personal security.
184 pages, Paperback
First published November 25, 2022
187 people are currently reading
971 people want to read
About the author
Jessica Fern
14 books224 followersJessica Fern is a psychotherapist, public speaker, and trauma and relationship expert. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love.
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
April 19, 2023
I could see this being helpful for NM folks. Same structure as polysecure book starting w attachment styles and then transitioning into NM reflections and strategies. Accessible, inclusive language. Seems maybe more helpful for folks w a more complicated attachment history that theyd benefit from finding coherence in, or assigning meaning to.
October 24, 2023
This was good. It didn’t fully apply to me because idk if I am poly, but it was still great nonetheless.
November 29, 2022
The Polysecure Workbook is a full chapter-by-chapter companion to Polysecure, and if you’ve read the book or are interested in digging in for the first time with a desire to explore your own attachment styles and how attachment wounding comes up around your non-monogamous relationship experiences, I’d highly recommend it. To be clear, this is not a standalone title. While Fern suggests that you could work through it alone, she recommends that you read the book for full context, which is how the workbook was designed to be used.
I tried the first few chapters before reading the book, so that I could give you an honest impression of its value as a standalone, and I do think most folks would find it frustrating to work through like this. Fern does provide a summary version of each chapter before the related exercises that’s enough context for about 60% of them, but I found some exercises to be really difficult to complete without knowing anything about related concepts, and the process of doing the workbook like this was also just pretty overwhelming.
When I flipped to the intended order, reading the chapters first and then working through the exercises, the workbook was a great processing tool for applying the material to my own experience. If you’ve read the book in the past, I think the summaries will likely provide enough of a memory jog that you won’t need to re-read, but you may still find yourself needing to reference concepts here and there.
This is definitely a workbook you’ll need to set aside plenty of time to work through, process, and sit with. The exercises are dense and thoughtful, a lot like I might imagine it would be to attend therapy sessions with a practitioner who is really informed in this area—which of course makes sense, given Fern’s background as a therapist! The workbook definitely builds on the prompts and lists already provided in the original book, and there are some repeats, but most of the material is new (you’ll find the most repetition towards the end, where the book itself is largely lists of suggestions for real-life application). Many of the exercises either take concepts explained in the book and invite you to find where your own past and present relationships or personal experience fit, or they take more general prompts from the book and ask you to consider them one relationship at a time.
This, of course, means that it might take you a lot of time to work through if you want to thoughtfully answer every question with every relationship, depending on the size of your polycule! With six current partners and about twenty over a lifetime, assuming that we’re cutting it off at named romantic partnerships, I’m probably going to need a year if I really want to work through everything. But for most folks, you’ll find yourself focusing on a few key relationships in your life where attachment wounding is coming up or might have rooted. In general, the workbook is fairly adaptable—you can choose where you want to dig in and where things are fairly stable.
I found the workbook relatively easy to adapt for different types of relationships, since as Fern points out without spending a lot of time on it in the book, friends can also be attachment figures. As a relationship anarchist I don’t really make strong distinctions between “partner” and “friend.” I especially loved that there was even a brief mention in the workbook that attachment figures could include non-human beings and fictional characters! It still might not work the best for someone who hasn’t had any romantic relationships in their life, but a good majority of the exercises are applicable to those not in any current romantic relationships.
It is worth noting that if you haven’t read the book in full first and choose to go chapter by chapter, you might actually end up doing exercises around what you assume to be attachment figures and then later realize those folks don’t meet Fern’s definition of an attachment figure at all. This isn’t necessarily a problem, but I found myself going “…oh, wait.”
One area where the workbook also really adds on to the experience of reading the book alone is in how it addresses multiple processing styles. While there are plenty of journal prompts / reflection questions to engage thinking and writing modalities, you also get a lot of other styles including checklists to evaluate your experiences, graphs to map your experiences visually, and a couple of visualization / somatic options.
Overall, I found this to be a super useful tool for processing, and would recommend it to folks who have some work to do in this area!
I tried the first few chapters before reading the book, so that I could give you an honest impression of its value as a standalone, and I do think most folks would find it frustrating to work through like this. Fern does provide a summary version of each chapter before the related exercises that’s enough context for about 60% of them, but I found some exercises to be really difficult to complete without knowing anything about related concepts, and the process of doing the workbook like this was also just pretty overwhelming.
When I flipped to the intended order, reading the chapters first and then working through the exercises, the workbook was a great processing tool for applying the material to my own experience. If you’ve read the book in the past, I think the summaries will likely provide enough of a memory jog that you won’t need to re-read, but you may still find yourself needing to reference concepts here and there.
This is definitely a workbook you’ll need to set aside plenty of time to work through, process, and sit with. The exercises are dense and thoughtful, a lot like I might imagine it would be to attend therapy sessions with a practitioner who is really informed in this area—which of course makes sense, given Fern’s background as a therapist! The workbook definitely builds on the prompts and lists already provided in the original book, and there are some repeats, but most of the material is new (you’ll find the most repetition towards the end, where the book itself is largely lists of suggestions for real-life application). Many of the exercises either take concepts explained in the book and invite you to find where your own past and present relationships or personal experience fit, or they take more general prompts from the book and ask you to consider them one relationship at a time.
This, of course, means that it might take you a lot of time to work through if you want to thoughtfully answer every question with every relationship, depending on the size of your polycule! With six current partners and about twenty over a lifetime, assuming that we’re cutting it off at named romantic partnerships, I’m probably going to need a year if I really want to work through everything. But for most folks, you’ll find yourself focusing on a few key relationships in your life where attachment wounding is coming up or might have rooted. In general, the workbook is fairly adaptable—you can choose where you want to dig in and where things are fairly stable.
I found the workbook relatively easy to adapt for different types of relationships, since as Fern points out without spending a lot of time on it in the book, friends can also be attachment figures. As a relationship anarchist I don’t really make strong distinctions between “partner” and “friend.” I especially loved that there was even a brief mention in the workbook that attachment figures could include non-human beings and fictional characters! It still might not work the best for someone who hasn’t had any romantic relationships in their life, but a good majority of the exercises are applicable to those not in any current romantic relationships.
It is worth noting that if you haven’t read the book in full first and choose to go chapter by chapter, you might actually end up doing exercises around what you assume to be attachment figures and then later realize those folks don’t meet Fern’s definition of an attachment figure at all. This isn’t necessarily a problem, but I found myself going “…oh, wait.”
One area where the workbook also really adds on to the experience of reading the book alone is in how it addresses multiple processing styles. While there are plenty of journal prompts / reflection questions to engage thinking and writing modalities, you also get a lot of other styles including checklists to evaluate your experiences, graphs to map your experiences visually, and a couple of visualization / somatic options.
Overall, I found this to be a super useful tool for processing, and would recommend it to folks who have some work to do in this area!
February 23, 2025
I think this is best done after or while reading the Polysecure book, as some of the questions are hard to follow otherwise.
Anyway, this book is really for people who are either just becoming non-monogamous or really haven't done a lot of work otherwise. Much of it is very typical therapy type questions, but I really appreciated the different sections and was able to skip what I didn't need. There's some great questions about emotional regulation, expressed delight, etc.
Attachment theory has been big in the poly space for a while and I think it's a great companion to things like Internal Family Systems and other therapy models.
I also want to point out this book is very much for straight people or people who have experienced a lot of "structural security" as the book calls it. As a poly lesbian, most of these things (marriage, ceremonies, living together, etc) I've never had, and actually I would like to move toward them not away from them, lol.
This book and others by this author argue the CNM or polyamory is an "orientation." I take issue with this because I think monogamy is not actually a real thing. The whole dichotomy is false. People pledge themselves to sexual exclusivity but in reality they rarely achieve this, as they look at porn of other people, think and flirt with other people, and have varying degrees of emotional attachments outside of marriage. The whole thing is convenient delusion built on a patriarchal notion of ownership over women's bodies that has been modernized but still based on the idea that somehow by using contracts and agreements we can control bodies. No one is actually sexually exclusive unless they are asexual.
Anyway, this book is really for people who are either just becoming non-monogamous or really haven't done a lot of work otherwise. Much of it is very typical therapy type questions, but I really appreciated the different sections and was able to skip what I didn't need. There's some great questions about emotional regulation, expressed delight, etc.
Attachment theory has been big in the poly space for a while and I think it's a great companion to things like Internal Family Systems and other therapy models.
I also want to point out this book is very much for straight people or people who have experienced a lot of "structural security" as the book calls it. As a poly lesbian, most of these things (marriage, ceremonies, living together, etc) I've never had, and actually I would like to move toward them not away from them, lol.
This book and others by this author argue the CNM or polyamory is an "orientation." I take issue with this because I think monogamy is not actually a real thing. The whole dichotomy is false. People pledge themselves to sexual exclusivity but in reality they rarely achieve this, as they look at porn of other people, think and flirt with other people, and have varying degrees of emotional attachments outside of marriage. The whole thing is convenient delusion built on a patriarchal notion of ownership over women's bodies that has been modernized but still based on the idea that somehow by using contracts and agreements we can control bodies. No one is actually sexually exclusive unless they are asexual.
April 17, 2025
I haven’t read the original book that this workbook is based on, but I didn’t find that to be a problem at all. This workbook stands well on its own and offers a wealth of insight and practical tools for anyone in polyamorous or consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships.
What I appreciated most is its focus on attachment styles and how they show up in non-monogamous dynamics. It offers a thoughtful framework for understanding emotional responses, insecurities, and connection patterns, which can be incredibly helpful when navigating the complexities of multiple relationships.
The exercises and reflections throughout the workbook are accessible and designed to foster deeper self-awareness and healthier communication. Whether you're new to polyamory or more experienced, the tools provided are useful for building more secure, fulfilling, and respectful partnerships.
Overall, this is a valuable resource for anyone looking to strengthen their CNM relationships through emotional insight and intentional growth—no prior reading required.
I recieved an arc of this book in exchange for an honest review
What I appreciated most is its focus on attachment styles and how they show up in non-monogamous dynamics. It offers a thoughtful framework for understanding emotional responses, insecurities, and connection patterns, which can be incredibly helpful when navigating the complexities of multiple relationships.
The exercises and reflections throughout the workbook are accessible and designed to foster deeper self-awareness and healthier communication. Whether you're new to polyamory or more experienced, the tools provided are useful for building more secure, fulfilling, and respectful partnerships.
Overall, this is a valuable resource for anyone looking to strengthen their CNM relationships through emotional insight and intentional growth—no prior reading required.
I recieved an arc of this book in exchange for an honest review
March 28, 2024
Amazing companion to the original book. I was lucky enough to spend three months doing the workbook with a supportive friend. Some weeks are quite challenging in terms of self-awareness and tracing our attachment through previous generations. Other weeks felt like a "break" by being able to engage more directly with our current constellation of connections in the context of polyamory or ambiamory. I wouldn't have been able to go as deep without the container of those meetings, especially as I was also managing some attachment ruptures in real time. I think I'll also be grateful in many years that I have a document of growth about my ideas toward my relationships and earned attachment.
December 10, 2023
A wise recommendation for folks seeking a download on queered, non-heteronormative relationship to love, and how this relates to one's current journey in attachment healing. I located similarities to my experiences and knowledge of tantric philosophy - that is, in terms of relating to the human experience through a deep eroticism + intimacy with life. It also helped clarify that not all of us mean the same things even when we use the same labels.
August 7, 2024
Very educational and a great book to understand a different point of view other than that from a traditional marriage. This book helps dive into trauma that affects relationships as a whole and how to over come some of that trauma to be a better partner and be open minded to other types of relationships than a traditional marriage.
February 1, 2025
Well, it took me close to a year and a half, but I finally finished this workbook. It completely changed my life. I found it to be incredibly in depth while giving very practical advice. I had so many revelations while doing this workbook. It was unreal. I highly recommend this to anyone on a non-monogamous/ENM/poly journey.
December 12, 2024
A worthy add on to the Polysecure book (which is excellent) but probably aimed squarely at beginners and maybe at times too deep of a dive? The beginning section of the book is useful for anyone looking to investigate attachment theory and how it impacts their life.
June 24, 2023
Very useful and thorough workbook to address attachment and relationship goals. It can be overwhelming, so go slowly.
December 26, 2024
Essential reading for everyone in ANY kind of relationship.
August 14, 2023
Read almost like a textbook but had lots of good info
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews