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The Transitive Vampire: A Handbook of Grammar for the Innocent, the Eager and the Doomed
Playful, practical, this is the style book you can't wait to use, a guide that addresses classic questions of English usage with wit & black humor. Black-&-white illustrations throughout.
Introduction
Sentences & what we mean by them
Words & what kinds of words they are
Nouns
Verbs
Verbals
More on verbs
Adjectives & adverbs
Pronouns
Arriving at agreements
Phrases
Clauses
Fragments
Comma splices
The creation of sentences
Introduction
Sentences & what we mean by them
Words & what kinds of words they are
Nouns
Verbs
Verbals
More on verbs
Adjectives & adverbs
Pronouns
Arriving at agreements
Phrases
Clauses
Fragments
Comma splices
The creation of sentences
149 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1984
68 people are currently reading
2385 people want to read
About the author
Karen Elizabeth Gordon
15 books75 followersKaren Elizabeth Gordon, who is most well-known for her comic language handbooks The New Well-Tempered Sentence and The Deluxe Transitive Vampire, is also author to a collection of short stories published by Dalkey Archive Press. The Red Shoes and Other Tattered Tales was hailed by many critics as Rabelaisian in its humor.
Gordon resides alternately in Berkeley, California and Paris.
from http://www.dalkeyarchive.com/catalog/...
Gordon resides alternately in Berkeley, California and Paris.
from http://www.dalkeyarchive.com/catalog/...
Ratings & Reviews
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 177 reviews
June 17, 2016
I liked aspects of this book, but would not use it as a textbook. The problem is it is a textbook.
The grammar presented is so much simpler than the vocabulary. Some might argue that both are alike in their archaicisms; I would not. The vocabulary is rich and complex, and almost any reader will probably reach for their dictionary a time or two, and be all the better for having done so. However, I felt that any reader who could happily work through the example sentences would already know what a predicate was, and better than the explanation from the text. The example sentences, while often humorous (sometimes campy), are not illustrative enough for students who do not already understand the relevant grammar, which further reinforces my opinion that this book is not for instruction, but amusement. The lack of practice sentences is also an enormous drawback. No student reads page after page of grammar without falling asleep, and no one learns grammar through reading alone. Practice is a must, and is entirely absent here.
There are also practical issues with the illustrations in the text. The old woodcuts or lithographs of topless women mean nothing to the adult reader, but as someone who still finds groups of fourteen year-old males huddled together over a copy of National Geographic, despite the everpresence of the internet, there are a lot of sections of the book I could never be bothered to use in class. There are example sentences which are similarly awkward:
Verb:
My horse pants and froths.
Noun:
I don't always wear pants when I ride him.
I would never use that. Simply not worth the hassle, even without the Lady Godiva beneath it. I would not use that even in a university setting. It reminded me of this horrible German textbook I had once with illustrations of women in the bathtub, surprised by a periscope peeping up from the bathwater. wtf-ery.
I'm going to stop before I convince myself to rate it one star, as I do not wish to write the book off. I feel it is broken in its current form, but could certainly be redeemed with some additions and some sensible pruning.
The grammar presented is so much simpler than the vocabulary. Some might argue that both are alike in their archaicisms; I would not. The vocabulary is rich and complex, and almost any reader will probably reach for their dictionary a time or two, and be all the better for having done so. However, I felt that any reader who could happily work through the example sentences would already know what a predicate was, and better than the explanation from the text. The example sentences, while often humorous (sometimes campy), are not illustrative enough for students who do not already understand the relevant grammar, which further reinforces my opinion that this book is not for instruction, but amusement. The lack of practice sentences is also an enormous drawback. No student reads page after page of grammar without falling asleep, and no one learns grammar through reading alone. Practice is a must, and is entirely absent here.
There are also practical issues with the illustrations in the text. The old woodcuts or lithographs of topless women mean nothing to the adult reader, but as someone who still finds groups of fourteen year-old males huddled together over a copy of National Geographic, despite the everpresence of the internet, there are a lot of sections of the book I could never be bothered to use in class. There are example sentences which are similarly awkward:
Verb:
My horse pants and froths.
Noun:
I don't always wear pants when I ride him.
I would never use that. Simply not worth the hassle, even without the Lady Godiva beneath it. I would not use that even in a university setting. It reminded me of this horrible German textbook I had once with illustrations of women in the bathtub, surprised by a periscope peeping up from the bathwater. wtf-ery.
I'm going to stop before I convince myself to rate it one star, as I do not wish to write the book off. I feel it is broken in its current form, but could certainly be redeemed with some additions and some sensible pruning.
December 15, 2014
Quirky, fast-paced, imaginative. A take on grammar unlike you've seen in any grammar books. I would say, I enjoyed reading it more than trying to understand what it was talking about, given the fact that English is not my first language. I did glimpse a few things that were useful, and hopefully they will stay put in my head, but the rest happily whooshed out of my brain the moment I closed this book. And perhaps the ornate vocabulary had something to do with it. It distracted me at times, at times made me snicker. Moving on to When Words Collide: A Media Writer's Guide to Grammar and Style - the book Chuck Palahniuk swears by. Or, I suppose, such is my interpretation of him suggesting it in some of his blog posts or articles or something, can't remember now.
January 11, 2009
Gothic-themed grammar guide, read in preparation for the copy test I have to take later today. *gulp* The sample sentences in this book are certainly more diverting than the ones you were likely to have studied in school (for the five minutes the teacher bothered with grammar, if your schooling was anything like mine). For example, demonstrating subject-verb agreement, Gordon gives us: "Gawking out of the corner of his eye was a man who adored stevedores. Beneath the honeysuckle were the caresses he had longed for being given to another man." Fun! However, I'm not sure how this book or any other I have read has really helped me with my grammar. Now, this very well may be a problem of mine, but for someone who has (I like to think) a fairly good grasp of the English language, I have never been able to get much use out of this type of book. They either seem to say things that are incredibly obvious ("I can't hardly stand spinach" = a bad sentence), needlessly confusing ("this is known as a past present participle hatchback gerund—with or without a twist"), or just plain bullheaded WRONG ("no sentence fragments! EVER! And don't start sentences with 'and' or 'but'! ...Ooops."). Do I have trouble actually getting anything from grammar guides because in America the bare bones of proper grammar are taught so long after the language has actually been learned? I feel like I've picked up most of everything I know by doing, by actually writing and reading; it's all incredibly instinctive. I don't think this makes me any less of a writer; in fact, writers are almost supposed to do crazy shit that their editors can later correct. (Of course, in my little fantasy here, my editor is Max Perkins.) However, as someone who kind of needs to make a living editing other people for a while, the fact that I don't actually know the rules (I'm just instinctively aware of them) makes me very, very nervous. Which I guess makes The Transitive Vampire an appropriate (if not especially reassuring) guide; its subtitle is A Handbook of Grammar for the Innocent, the Eager, and the Doomed. Yup, that's me! *whimpers*
May 6, 2015
Grammar and vampires? WHERE has this book been all my life?
Review:
This should be a helpful reference for me, since I definitely won't remember the fine details of, say, participles. I love grammar and can use it properly for the most part, but I couldn't tell you all about clauses or anything. I can name the helping verbs. That's smart, right?
Anyway, I found the example sentences within really awkward. Grammatically correct, sure, but awkward nonetheless, and it distracted me.
It was like the author just cobbled together random words and threw them into sentences. In some instances, I thought the "wrong" sentences sounded better than the "right" ones.
In some cases the sentences were surprisingly racy (and therefore fun).
The drawings were amusing. Overall, though, this wasn't as vampy as I'd have liked. It was more Victorian in tone. But I'll keep it around in case I need a quick reminder about comma splices.
Review:
This should be a helpful reference for me, since I definitely won't remember the fine details of, say, participles. I love grammar and can use it properly for the most part, but I couldn't tell you all about clauses or anything. I can name the helping verbs. That's smart, right?
Anyway, I found the example sentences within really awkward. Grammatically correct, sure, but awkward nonetheless, and it distracted me.
Her antic yet coercive repartee confuted his dismay.
Unexpectedly, the aggrieving announcement arrived.
I fondled his lapel before I caressed his socks.
Waiting relentlessly for me at the corner, you howled.
She is deductive, strawberry blond, and unfathomable.
It was like the author just cobbled together random words and threw them into sentences. In some instances, I thought the "wrong" sentences sounded better than the "right" ones.
In some cases the sentences were surprisingly racy (and therefore fun).
She darkened his door, he lit her fire, they both burned.
If you spank me, I will comply.
Unless I am mistaken, we've already been through that.
The drawings were amusing. Overall, though, this wasn't as vampy as I'd have liked. It was more Victorian in tone. But I'll keep it around in case I need a quick reminder about comma splices.
August 28, 2024
This makes grammar a BLAST
July 14, 2011
I feel really bad about giving this only two stars — "it was okay" — but my reaction was quite the letdown. Meh.
But as I forced myself to read further, I realize the problem is that while the conceit behind the book is clever, it really doesn't work.
This book, at its heart, is a collection of grammatical examples, with a short snippet of explanatory introduction to introduce each concept, and sometimes to link various terms together.
The author attempts to spice things up by using a mildly breathless gothic romance style for those explanations and especially the examples. Appropriate pen drawings accompany.
But once one has gotten over the novelty of the tone, it's still just a compendium of grammar. I didn't find that it helped me recall any better which terms go with which concepts — usually my brain delights in retaining jargon, but grammatical terms are too arbitrary. What on earth, for example, does the word "perfect" have to do with tense? It still comes down to memorization, and I'm with Einstein on that issue.
Perhaps someday Simon Winchester, who wrote that delightful book on the OED, will figure out how to tell the story of the evolution of grammar and make it fascinating.
Sorry, Ms. Gordon. Thanks for trying.
But as I forced myself to read further, I realize the problem is that while the conceit behind the book is clever, it really doesn't work.
This book, at its heart, is a collection of grammatical examples, with a short snippet of explanatory introduction to introduce each concept, and sometimes to link various terms together.
The author attempts to spice things up by using a mildly breathless gothic romance style for those explanations and especially the examples. Appropriate pen drawings accompany.
But once one has gotten over the novelty of the tone, it's still just a compendium of grammar. I didn't find that it helped me recall any better which terms go with which concepts — usually my brain delights in retaining jargon, but grammatical terms are too arbitrary. What on earth, for example, does the word "perfect" have to do with tense? It still comes down to memorization, and I'm with Einstein on that issue.
Perhaps someday Simon Winchester, who wrote that delightful book on the OED, will figure out how to tell the story of the evolution of grammar and make it fascinating.
Sorry, Ms. Gordon. Thanks for trying.
December 10, 2018
Godawful useless reference. I can’t imagine who is helped by this guide.
February 26, 2013
"Everyone is waltzing to a different Johann Strauss." This book ov grammar seems to either align with the language junked up in one's head, or sends the rest away baffled and not bemused. Two classics:
"Remember, sweetie, I'm your crepuscular consort, so don't bother calling me at noon." &
"Hey, girlie, drag your carcass over here!"
"Remember, sweetie, I'm your crepuscular consort, so don't bother calling me at noon." &
"Hey, girlie, drag your carcass over here!"
August 2, 2021
Strangest grammar book ever. The review of grammar itself is fine, but the example sentences used to illustrate the grammar are so strange they actually obfuscate the rule they are supposed to illuminate. I kept feeling like there was a method to the madness, but even following the note at the end of the book to "follow the flight" (which I understood to mean follow the illustrations in the margins to follow a story thread) did not reveal anything like a coherent narrative. Still, reading this was a walk down very dusty paths of memory, when I used to be great at diagramming sentences (high school English) and made me a bit nostalgic for the clarity that activity brought. I'll keep this on my bookshelf as a reference book when I want to brush up on something like "collective nouns," which in this phase of my life is more helpful as an aid to understanding Spanish grammar than something I feel I need to know for my own writing in English.
November 18, 2022
I am a word-o-phile and a grammar-o-phile.
I wanted to love this book because of the subject matter, and the oh-so-clever title.
I didn't.
The effort made by the author to make the reader want to learn grammar and to actually learn grammar is marred by a snarky, grating, tone. After I while, I had to quit reading. I don't need to hear such an arrogant put-down toward people who just may not have as much knowledge as the author. Whatever happened to being nice?
I wanted to love this book because of the subject matter, and the oh-so-clever title.
I didn't.
The effort made by the author to make the reader want to learn grammar and to actually learn grammar is marred by a snarky, grating, tone. After I while, I had to quit reading. I don't need to hear such an arrogant put-down toward people who just may not have as much knowledge as the author. Whatever happened to being nice?
Read
February 15, 2022Okay, this is the best grammar manual ever written.
Anytime you think, hey, why is this sentence built this way? I know there is a rule but I'll be damned if I have to figure it out myself. Be damned indeed!
Instead of looking it up in some musty old book that makes you want to claw your eyes out, this genius Karen Gordon has written the most whimsical, Halloween inspired grammar manual ever devised! It is occult-ally delicious.
It has wild and crazy woodcut images of bats and sirens, remixed hardcore to wild effect. Every example sentence is out of its mind and a work of poetry. You don't even feel annoyed learning.
I'm going to buy one and you should too!
Anytime you think, hey, why is this sentence built this way? I know there is a rule but I'll be damned if I have to figure it out myself. Be damned indeed!
Instead of looking it up in some musty old book that makes you want to claw your eyes out, this genius Karen Gordon has written the most whimsical, Halloween inspired grammar manual ever devised! It is occult-ally delicious.
It has wild and crazy woodcut images of bats and sirens, remixed hardcore to wild effect. Every example sentence is out of its mind and a work of poetry. You don't even feel annoyed learning.
I'm going to buy one and you should too!
Read
January 6, 2025a witty and fun way to present grammar from a reading perspective, but would be convoluted from an educational standpoint. the examples were clever and entertaining, especially in conjunction with the art (like seriously obsessed with that art)
July 14, 2015
The Deluxe Transitive Vampire by Karen Elizabeth Gordon
Unlike most writing handbooks, The Deluxe Transitive Vampire is as entertaining as it is packed with repetitive and creative examples. Instead of presenting article after article, in precise text blocks, the information is structured more to get your attention. Certainly there is the need for, and the style followed for telling you what is being covered, but then there may be a woodcut print to illustrate the point.
For me, the overall most striking feature are the actual demonstrative examples, specifically the wording and terms. For example, right at the beginning of the book, under the topic Sentences, subsection The Subject, you read:
The werewolf had a toothache.
The afflicted fang caused him to wince.
Where the italicized words are the subject of the sentence.
In the subsection Adjectives, the examples include: blue blood, bashful poltergeist, and mad tea party, where the italics are the adjectives.
In creative writing we are apt to use sentences and phrases meant to grab your imagination. The example presented in this book are designed to assist in that goal. For example, in the subsection Collective Nouns, you are presented with:
The rat pack keeps its guns loaded at all times. Again, italics highlight the what is being illustrated, here, collective nouns.
Likely, as your sentence construction skills advance, you will have a diminishing need for diving into the fundamentals of how sentences are constructed. That said, this book presents what you need to know in a fashion that is actually enjoyable just sit down and read. Find a copy and look for yourself. My copy sits right on my writing work shelf with my other favorites.
Unlike most writing handbooks, The Deluxe Transitive Vampire is as entertaining as it is packed with repetitive and creative examples. Instead of presenting article after article, in precise text blocks, the information is structured more to get your attention. Certainly there is the need for, and the style followed for telling you what is being covered, but then there may be a woodcut print to illustrate the point.
For me, the overall most striking feature are the actual demonstrative examples, specifically the wording and terms. For example, right at the beginning of the book, under the topic Sentences, subsection The Subject, you read:
The werewolf had a toothache.
The afflicted fang caused him to wince.
Where the italicized words are the subject of the sentence.
In the subsection Adjectives, the examples include: blue blood, bashful poltergeist, and mad tea party, where the italics are the adjectives.
In creative writing we are apt to use sentences and phrases meant to grab your imagination. The example presented in this book are designed to assist in that goal. For example, in the subsection Collective Nouns, you are presented with:
The rat pack keeps its guns loaded at all times. Again, italics highlight the what is being illustrated, here, collective nouns.
Likely, as your sentence construction skills advance, you will have a diminishing need for diving into the fundamentals of how sentences are constructed. That said, this book presents what you need to know in a fashion that is actually enjoyable just sit down and read. Find a copy and look for yourself. My copy sits right on my writing work shelf with my other favorites.
May 22, 2014
I have to say right off the bat, I've been in love with Karen Elizabeth Gordon for years. Anyone who comes up with the non-sequitur examples that she does, AND knows her grammar and punctuation in the dark without a flashlight, just may be the girl for me. I own all of her books, most in hardcover, and having just retrieved one to find some examples, I can also attest they appear to be crowned with clouds of cat hair and dust. This says a couple of things: I'm a terrible housekeeper (just so not news) and love her and these books as I do, I clearly don't pluck them down from the shelves much. This may be because I'm a dab hand at grammar (yes, it may be so), but I will never, never donate these books away. They're gems. That clearly need polishing.
Okay, so here are some examples of commas and semi-colons. I just opened up The Well-Tempered Sentence at random.
Jean-Pierre splutters with dirty raindrops; Mr. Thundermum, with moral indignation.
Nola was a striking strawberry blonde; Angela a startled brunette.
Heidi took out her Swiss army knife; Gabriel, his tuning fork.
Nimbus drank hemlock; Jean-Pierre, Perrier.
Huh? Exactly!
Now here's an example of absolute phrasing: "Her hair matted with greasepaint and her magnificent torso protruding from a negligee of green nylon, she maundered through the apartment house next to her own, thrusting her key into each astounded door."
God, I could weep.
Okay, so here are some examples of commas and semi-colons. I just opened up The Well-Tempered Sentence at random.
Jean-Pierre splutters with dirty raindrops; Mr. Thundermum, with moral indignation.
Nola was a striking strawberry blonde; Angela a startled brunette.
Heidi took out her Swiss army knife; Gabriel, his tuning fork.
Nimbus drank hemlock; Jean-Pierre, Perrier.
Huh? Exactly!
Now here's an example of absolute phrasing: "Her hair matted with greasepaint and her magnificent torso protruding from a negligee of green nylon, she maundered through the apartment house next to her own, thrusting her key into each astounded door."
God, I could weep.
April 29, 2015
The central conceit of this very brief English grammar is the use of macabre and/or silly examples and illustrations. While the examples, albeit only sophomorically funny, are useful, the black-and-white illustrations contribute nothing. Reading it, I was reminded of why I disliked and/or was no good at grammar lessons in elementary school. Thank heavens that a barely passable B- on a grammar test got me into accelerated English classes in high school!
August 15, 2010
This is refreshingly full of antiquated and archaic vocabulary. It's a fun combination of my interests in both language/grammar and the macabre. As an added bonus the text predictor on my phone now includes words such as crepuscular (resembling twilight) and caftan (a wide sleeved middle-eastern undergarment).
April 5, 2023
This review is based on and earlier edition of this book, not the "deluxe" edition (not that it matters anyhow):
If you only read one usage/grammar guide this year let it be this one. Hysterically funny AND informative. This is one of the 5 funniest books I have EVER read. Karen G. you are a brilliant genius!
If you only read one usage/grammar guide this year let it be this one. Hysterically funny AND informative. This is one of the 5 funniest books I have EVER read. Karen G. you are a brilliant genius!
August 22, 2010
This is a very entertaining look at grammar and sentence structure. Takes me back to high school. You need to read all the example sentences as they are very amusing.
July 1, 2015
Do you write? Well, then you need not just to read this but to keep it readily at hand.
May 31, 2018
Amazingly fresh and surprising, even if written in 1984. Clever clever examples, sly; Ms Gordon has sex on her mind too.
July 11, 2021
I find learning grammar to be dry at the best of times (a bad sign given my job, but c'est la vie), so I figured doing a refresher in the guise of comedy? merriment? cleverness? would go differently.
It did not. It was just another flavour of dry. A personal problem? Maybe.
Anyway, the author seems to be unaware of the legitimacy and history of singular they and not gendering where it's unnecessary, which I found to be an amusing irony given the backdrop of a centuries-old vampire being the teacher here. Such a creature wouldn't say "use 'her or him' instead of 'him or her' if you're a feminist, idk lol" nor would they say that just using "them" instead was some modern up-start. The author doesn't include they/them as an option at all for singular use, even though it's been used that way since the birth of this hypothetical vampire grammar teacher.
I guess the book is fine, but to be honest, I would have felt my time better spent with a dry textbook that didn't try to be fun.
It did not. It was just another flavour of dry. A personal problem? Maybe.
Anyway, the author seems to be unaware of the legitimacy and history of singular they and not gendering where it's unnecessary, which I found to be an amusing irony given the backdrop of a centuries-old vampire being the teacher here. Such a creature wouldn't say "use 'her or him' instead of 'him or her' if you're a feminist, idk lol" nor would they say that just using "them" instead was some modern up-start. The author doesn't include they/them as an option at all for singular use, even though it's been used that way since the birth of this hypothetical vampire grammar teacher.
I guess the book is fine, but to be honest, I would have felt my time better spent with a dry textbook that didn't try to be fun.
July 20, 2017
Delightful illustrations and examples. Probably would have given this 4 stars, but I'm comparing it to the original, which I preferred in terms of length and format. It runs through the logical classifications of our our language and each of their uses from individual words through sentences and phrases. Great sense of humor and gothic/Victorian feel to the whole thing.
If we have this much trouble getting subjects and verbs to agree, it's no wonder general human communication lets us down.
--------------------------------------------------------
WORDS I LEARNED WHILE READING THIS BOOK
pudeur | avenida
If we have this much trouble getting subjects and verbs to agree, it's no wonder general human communication lets us down.
--------------------------------------------------------
WORDS I LEARNED WHILE READING THIS BOOK
pudeur | avenida
July 17, 2019
The Deluxe Transitive Vampire is a crash course through the mechanics of the English language, by way of Gothic literature, mixed with modern witticisms. As much a set of stories told in the margins, as it is a guidebook on when to use "who" versus "whom," this book is presented in a lively, quirky style that will probably leave you with a better grasp of grammar than an entire education from the public school system. Things do get a bit weighty and ponderous toward the end, but the rules set forth here are still vastly more approachable, and easier to digest than in any other grammar guide I've read. The Deluxe Transitive Vampire actually manages to make this stuff fun, and frequently humorous--that's no small feat
January 23, 2022
I liked it but for different reasons than what is typical for me. The illustrations are fantastic which is what I bought it for (a paper craft project see also Mascetti's The Complete Guide to the Undead). If you are a grammar need or possibly a beginner Gothic or Monster writer you may enjoy this. My grammar is poor and if I had read this with vigor, my sentence structure might be better but alas I became bored and rushed through it.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 15, 2025
A universe explodes from every sentence as Karen Elizabeth Gordon makes grammar sound like the ramblings of a schizophrenic in the absolute best way. I feel there's a Goreyan spirit afoot throughout The Transitive Vampire putting me on firm ground from which to bestow my accolades. It's my winning ticket that her writing is so interesting since I'll have to reread the book many times to learn anything and not get wisked away into a one sentence Wonderland at the author's every whimsy.
Read
May 27, 2025This is hard to rate. It's the most entertaining set of grammar lessons you're ever going to read; however, it is still a set of grammar lessons. It's actually a useful read for those of us in the USA who were taught hardly any grammar but have read enough to generally get it right with no idea why. It is best read in small doses, though.
February 9, 2020
This is an imaginative take on a grammar guide, using gothic references to illustrate a variety of grammar and style rules. The book contains many illustrations as well. The examples are clever and entertaining and make what can be a dry subject much more entertaining.
April 15, 2022
I received this as a gift when I first decided I wanted to be a writer (alas, the dream has not fully come to fruition).
This is a super fun way to make sure your grammar is on point. Intelligent and grim.
This is a super fun way to make sure your grammar is on point. Intelligent and grim.
March 27, 2023
Sometimes I read grammar books for fun and this one gets an extra star for the weird woodcuts and example sentences like "To nuzzle flagpoles is her desire." I really wish Edward Gorey had done something like this.
Read
April 17, 2025A coworker lent me her old, battered copy of this book. I definitely learned a couple of helpful tips, but for the most part, I don’t think I need to know what every single part of a sentence is called (and some rules can be broken if you do it purposefully).
Displaying 1 - 30 of 177 reviews