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8 Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success: What to Do and What to Say to Turn "Failures" into Character-Building Moments
Turn common adolescent missteps, from relationship blunders to rebellions that backfire, into character-building moments—by the author of Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen.
“This clear-eyed, practical, fun-to-read guide is an essential read for every parent.”—Lisa Damour, PhD, New York Times bestselling author of Untangled , Under Pressure , and The Emotional Lives of Teenagers
Every child messes up, sometimes in ways that seem sure to wreck their a bad report card, poor sportsmanship, underaged drinking. These are tough moments for parent and child alike, often complicated by the fear that the misstep is also an indictment of our parenting. But what each of these “fails” has in common for our kids is the precious silver lining of a chance for character building and developing more grit—if we help them process their mistake well.
An invaluable playbook for anxious parents everywhere, Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success offers specific and unexpected advice about what to say, what not to say, and what to do to help children in eight categories of tense situations. Distilled from Michelle Icard’s decades of experience working with tweens, teenagers, and families, it also introduces her signature three-step approach to any kind of
• Affirm your child, gather the facts, and control the narrative.
• Explain what went wrong, define clear consequences, teach them to apologize well, and develop a plan to rebuild trust.
• Reaffirm and re-expand their rights, and establish rewards for good behaviors.
With empathy, insight, and optimism, Michelle Icard’s advice ensures that a child’s mistake or rebellion doesn’t become the headline of their childhood, but instead becomes a launch pad to a better future.
“This clear-eyed, practical, fun-to-read guide is an essential read for every parent.”—Lisa Damour, PhD, New York Times bestselling author of Untangled , Under Pressure , and The Emotional Lives of Teenagers
Every child messes up, sometimes in ways that seem sure to wreck their a bad report card, poor sportsmanship, underaged drinking. These are tough moments for parent and child alike, often complicated by the fear that the misstep is also an indictment of our parenting. But what each of these “fails” has in common for our kids is the precious silver lining of a chance for character building and developing more grit—if we help them process their mistake well.
An invaluable playbook for anxious parents everywhere, Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success offers specific and unexpected advice about what to say, what not to say, and what to do to help children in eight categories of tense situations. Distilled from Michelle Icard’s decades of experience working with tweens, teenagers, and families, it also introduces her signature three-step approach to any kind of
• Affirm your child, gather the facts, and control the narrative.
• Explain what went wrong, define clear consequences, teach them to apologize well, and develop a plan to rebuild trust.
• Reaffirm and re-expand their rights, and establish rewards for good behaviors.
With empathy, insight, and optimism, Michelle Icard’s advice ensures that a child’s mistake or rebellion doesn’t become the headline of their childhood, but instead becomes a launch pad to a better future.
288 pages, Hardcover
Published August 22, 2023
55 people are currently reading
2158 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews
October 20, 2023
I hate reading parenting books, but I loved this one! Icard is practical, wise, and wonderfully real. The book didn't have the typical fluff that often mires down parenting books. Her introductory chapters were clear and succinct. They also became the basis for the rest of the book. The rest of the chapters are dedicated to specific types of "failures". I enjoyed the long form case studies as well as the parent questions in each chapter. I wish I had read this book a long time ago (my oldest is 18) not necessarily to change any outcomes for my children, but to help me understand the process of teenagering with more confidence.
Favorite Quotes (It was very hard to just pick a few):
"Mistakes can be embarrassing, painful, and infuriating, but they are also a part of the human experience. Pressure to be perfect comes at a steep price, including eating disorders, self-harm, depression, anxiety, and codependence."
"Developing an adult identity—a.k.a. figuring out what kind of adult you want to be—takes a lot of guesswork. Kids need to try on new beliefs and behaviors for size before they become part of the fabric of their character. If teens aren’t given privacy to experiment with this, they may be unwilling to go through this experimentation publicly (too embarrassing) and will miss opportunities to firm up their beliefs, values, preferences, and other aspects of adult identity. Teens practice this when they are allowed to do things like spend plenty of time cocooning in their room, communicate with friends without being constantly monitored, safely explore their community without an adult, and experience relationships without having to share full details."
"If we support each other, and each other’s children, through the challenges failure brings, together we can build safer spaces for kids to learn and grow from their experiences in ways that benefit not just them individually but all of us as a community."
"Most parents wonder at some point in what way they damaged their child and how they could have done a better job not messing things up. But every child can—and should!—face adversity growing up so they learn how to cope with it. Parents don’t need to—and shouldn’t!—manufacture adversity. It will show up on its own. They simply need to let their kids learn to face it. Barring the absence of real trauma, the kind Betsy and Erik both saw as children, it seems to me that most kids view their childhoods with a pleasant and proud nostalgia, rather than a critical assessment. Betsy got the relief she needed on this issue when she overheard Owen talking to some friends on his football team about the cool places they’d lived when he was younger. If you share this fear, and you aren’t lucky enough to overhear a contradictory story to the one you’re carrying around in your head, you can simply ask your kids how they would describe moments from their childhood: hardest, most fun, most playful, most humorous, most boring. Throw out some superlatives and their answers may surprise you."
Favorite Quotes (It was very hard to just pick a few):
"Mistakes can be embarrassing, painful, and infuriating, but they are also a part of the human experience. Pressure to be perfect comes at a steep price, including eating disorders, self-harm, depression, anxiety, and codependence."
"Developing an adult identity—a.k.a. figuring out what kind of adult you want to be—takes a lot of guesswork. Kids need to try on new beliefs and behaviors for size before they become part of the fabric of their character. If teens aren’t given privacy to experiment with this, they may be unwilling to go through this experimentation publicly (too embarrassing) and will miss opportunities to firm up their beliefs, values, preferences, and other aspects of adult identity. Teens practice this when they are allowed to do things like spend plenty of time cocooning in their room, communicate with friends without being constantly monitored, safely explore their community without an adult, and experience relationships without having to share full details."
"If we support each other, and each other’s children, through the challenges failure brings, together we can build safer spaces for kids to learn and grow from their experiences in ways that benefit not just them individually but all of us as a community."
"Most parents wonder at some point in what way they damaged their child and how they could have done a better job not messing things up. But every child can—and should!—face adversity growing up so they learn how to cope with it. Parents don’t need to—and shouldn’t!—manufacture adversity. It will show up on its own. They simply need to let their kids learn to face it. Barring the absence of real trauma, the kind Betsy and Erik both saw as children, it seems to me that most kids view their childhoods with a pleasant and proud nostalgia, rather than a critical assessment. Betsy got the relief she needed on this issue when she overheard Owen talking to some friends on his football team about the cool places they’d lived when he was younger. If you share this fear, and you aren’t lucky enough to overhear a contradictory story to the one you’re carrying around in your head, you can simply ask your kids how they would describe moments from their childhood: hardest, most fun, most playful, most humorous, most boring. Throw out some superlatives and their answers may surprise you."
September 30, 2023
Originally posted on my blog Nonstop Reader.
Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success is a clearly written and accessible parenting guide for navigating challenges and turning them into teachable moments written and curated by Michelle Icard. Released 22nd Aug 2023 by Penguin Random House on their Rodale imprint, it's 288 pages and is available in hardcover, audio, and ebook formats.
This books accessibility and "do-ability" for regular everyday parents, facing inevitable challenges raising tweens/teens, is clear eyed and impressive. She gives usable advice for turning crises into teachable moments. She is humorous, clever, and much of her advice is *logical* and when we're in the middle of an emotionally overwhelming situation with our kids, it's good to be prepared beforehand. The situations she covers will be familiar to virtually every parent: issues with rebellion, consideration, personal hygeine, academic performance, family issues, and more.
She deconstructs the background and underlying dynamics in each situation, and gives concrete, sensible advice about how to react and how to positively handle each. Her advice is general enough to be applicable to more than just these 8 situations.
Four and a half stars. This would be an excellent choice for public library acquisition, home use, as well as for school counselors, foster parents, advocates, and similar, for people who work with kids in challenging and difficult situations.
Disclosure: I received an ARC at no cost from the author/publisher for review purposes.
Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success is a clearly written and accessible parenting guide for navigating challenges and turning them into teachable moments written and curated by Michelle Icard. Released 22nd Aug 2023 by Penguin Random House on their Rodale imprint, it's 288 pages and is available in hardcover, audio, and ebook formats.
This books accessibility and "do-ability" for regular everyday parents, facing inevitable challenges raising tweens/teens, is clear eyed and impressive. She gives usable advice for turning crises into teachable moments. She is humorous, clever, and much of her advice is *logical* and when we're in the middle of an emotionally overwhelming situation with our kids, it's good to be prepared beforehand. The situations she covers will be familiar to virtually every parent: issues with rebellion, consideration, personal hygeine, academic performance, family issues, and more.
She deconstructs the background and underlying dynamics in each situation, and gives concrete, sensible advice about how to react and how to positively handle each. Her advice is general enough to be applicable to more than just these 8 situations.
Four and a half stars. This would be an excellent choice for public library acquisition, home use, as well as for school counselors, foster parents, advocates, and similar, for people who work with kids in challenging and difficult situations.
Disclosure: I received an ARC at no cost from the author/publisher for review purposes.
December 31, 2023
Every child messes up. At the time, these setbacks can seem so big that parents are sure their child's future will be wrecked or their own reputations damaged beyond repair. Fortunately, “fails” can be opportunities for children to develop character and grit. This playbook offers advice about how parents can process setbacks and walk their children through the repercussions.
I appreciated the practical examples. Some are "light" like friendship issues while others are "heavy" like alcohol overdose. But most are relatable to the average parent.
The advice is also practical, such as limiting exposure, rebuilding trust and managing my fears before I chat with my child about the situation.
The writing style is engaging, empathetic and compassionate. I felt like I was chatting with a trusted friend. I don't know the author or her reputation, though, and I found myself wondering at times why she's an authority on children and if I could trust her insights.
Although my children are almost all grown adults, I still find this advice helpful. I can use the information to process my fears and feelings then talk to my children and help them discern how to process setbacks they face.
I appreciated the practical examples. Some are "light" like friendship issues while others are "heavy" like alcohol overdose. But most are relatable to the average parent.
The advice is also practical, such as limiting exposure, rebuilding trust and managing my fears before I chat with my child about the situation.
The writing style is engaging, empathetic and compassionate. I felt like I was chatting with a trusted friend. I don't know the author or her reputation, though, and I found myself wondering at times why she's an authority on children and if I could trust her insights.
Although my children are almost all grown adults, I still find this advice helpful. I can use the information to process my fears and feelings then talk to my children and help them discern how to process setbacks they face.
December 28, 2023
When we think of how to help our children we don't often think of how our failures can help them, but Michelle Icard shares the strengths and growth that come through failure. How without failure a child cannot grow and succeed. Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success was a powerful read for me. I have a fourteen year old and so I expected to find this book mostly helpful for him, but Eight Setbacks also helped me think and reflect on my 10 and 8 year old boys as well. So often we go to a book when we are in the midst of struggles with a certain situation, but how much more helpful it would be if we prepared in advance. I recommend parents of growing children as early as 8 years old, but especially by the time they are 10 and teenage years prepare themselves with knowledge and tools of how to handle setbacks that their children will inevitably encounter. The goal is not to completely prevent failure, but empower ourselves and our children with the tools they need to be better because of these failures or rather, setbacks.
August 22, 2023
The whole goal of this book is plain and simple. What to do and what to say to turn so called failures into character-building moments. To have a discussion with your child so that the child can make a success in what is learned from the failure. Every child messes up as well as parents too messing up. It is about learning from out mistakes and learning moving forward in our lives. The first part of the book helps the parent to get comfortable with the failure of the child. The author shares decades of experience working with young people in what Michelle Icard's three-step approach to any kind of failure. The three steps are: contain, resolve, and evolve. The book contnues with the 8 failures that a child can go through. Each of the failures are discussed with ways to make it a success. The book ends answering some submitted questions. One thing I really got out of the reading is to always be there for the child because things can be worked out in a positive way.
February 12, 2024
Performance anxiety is ever present, in our relationships, work environments, and most of all, our parenting. Being a parent can be rewarding, but it can also bring with it, many feelings of failure and anxiety. It’s the most important job, but also, the most difficult. In the book, 8 setbacks that can make a child a success, the author, Michelle Icard provides a rulebook of how to handle 8 tough situations that children and parents may encounter. This is a practical guide that should be read by every parent. The major premise that is communicated in a logical, straight forward way (for both parents and child) is that everyone makes mistakes, they can be remedied and you can successfully learn from the mistake and prevent it from reoccurring. This is a must read for parents of kids of all ages. Thank you the publisher and NetGalley for the advance review copy in exchange for my honest review.
November 4, 2023
Icard walks parents through a multi-step process that can be employed right when you determine that your child has messed up in a significant way. The process itself is helpful and can be employed even if you react emotionally and shout at your child a bit first. But ideally you'd take a breath and refrain from launching into "how could you" and "what were you thinking." A lot of her advice works for day to day conflicts but the process she outlines is really intend for the kinds of things that get teens expelled or risk drastic physical and mental harm. A big part of the process is getting control of the narrative and managing gossip.
The "eight setbacks" part of this book is just used to walk the reader through the process in for eight scenarios. Many kids will not experience the kinds of failures that she outlines. These are just situations that your kid MIGHT get themselves into - failing out of school, self-centeredness to the point of endangering others, cutting off contact with all friends and family. She has cute names for each of these - the rebel, the black sheep, etc. But some of the names are a bit of a stretch, it can be difficult to see how the process would apply in other scenarios that she doesn't mention.
As in her other works, Icard stresses that being queer or neurodivergent or not being conventionally attractive are NOT failures for either the child or the parent.
The "eight setbacks" part of this book is just used to walk the reader through the process in for eight scenarios. Many kids will not experience the kinds of failures that she outlines. These are just situations that your kid MIGHT get themselves into - failing out of school, self-centeredness to the point of endangering others, cutting off contact with all friends and family. She has cute names for each of these - the rebel, the black sheep, etc. But some of the names are a bit of a stretch, it can be difficult to see how the process would apply in other scenarios that she doesn't mention.
As in her other works, Icard stresses that being queer or neurodivergent or not being conventionally attractive are NOT failures for either the child or the parent.
August 28, 2023
I received a free e-arc of this book through Netgalley.
This is really a good book for parents of any age children/young adults to read before there are any issues as well as when problems start popping up. It has very specific step by step directions for helping your child through a crisis so you definitely want to own or check out a copy of this book to have on hand for those situations. I really appreciated the very specific information and could think of situations with certain children that this could be handy for.
This is really a good book for parents of any age children/young adults to read before there are any issues as well as when problems start popping up. It has very specific step by step directions for helping your child through a crisis so you definitely want to own or check out a copy of this book to have on hand for those situations. I really appreciated the very specific information and could think of situations with certain children that this could be handy for.
October 8, 2023
I read a lot of parenting books, and to be honest, many of them feel redundant. This didn’t. I felt like many of the stories shared were relatable experiences I can imagine happening with my kids as they get older, and I plan to use ICard’s strategies and approaches to parent my kids through some of these challenges.
I found myself inspired and feeling like I now have more tools to parent better- than I did before I read this book.
Thank you to the author, publishers, and NetGalley for the advance review copy!
I found myself inspired and feeling like I now have more tools to parent better- than I did before I read this book.
Thank you to the author, publishers, and NetGalley for the advance review copy!
November 16, 2023
Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success: What to Do and What to Say to Turn "Failures" into Character-Building Moments by Michelle Icard is a wonderful resource for parents and anyone who works with youth. This book does a great job showing the normality of failure and how each can be dealt with. I really appreciate that the book specifically deals with different types of setbacks and how to guide kids through them. This is a book to keep on hand as needed! I received a digital copy of this book from the publisher with no obligations. These opinions are entirely my own.
Want to read
December 14, 2023This is the second book I’ve read by Michelle ICard. Her books are easy to read and provide a good basis for parents navigating the tween / teen circus. This book reminds us to step back a little and allow our child to navigate life during the challenging times.
The book is broken into 8 areas that can create difficltly including struggling to connect with peers and struggling at school.
A useful book and well recommended.
Thank you Rodale and NetGalley for an ARC in return of my honest review .
The book is broken into 8 areas that can create difficltly including struggling to connect with peers and struggling at school.
A useful book and well recommended.
Thank you Rodale and NetGalley for an ARC in return of my honest review .
February 23, 2024
I appreciate the authors singular goal in writing this book. Education on what we can do and what we can say to turn "failures" into character-building moments. The approach was clear and concise with a three step set: contain, resolve, and evolve. The author emphasizes the important of presence with a child in the midst of their challenges to walk them through toward building character. I appreciate the research, the practical steps, and the readability of this book. Thank you NetGalley for the opportunity to read and review this book.
August 28, 2024
I swear by Michelle but this wasn’t my favorite of hers. I disagreed with a few of her takes (which is rare!) including a blurb about kids with ieps. She talks about weighing the decision to get your child an iep because they may not be able to enter the army. I assure you if your child needs an iep, that’s the least of your worries. It read to me like she may have interviewed a public school special ed teacher, who is probably used to talking families out of it. This is just one example but definitely the weirdest. Big fan of the other books, didn’t love this one.
January 14, 2025
Super practical and inclusive approach to common child developmental struggles. The title speaks to the idea that the “setbacks” a child may face are likely age-appropriate opportunities to grow. Teenagers pushing boundaries, tweens being risky, and elementary age navigating social rules - to names a few. The author uses more extreme examples with functional, hopeful, and realistic tools and insights for parents and others (other guardians, mental health workers, etc).
August 25, 2023
This is a must read for parents with kids of all ages. Michelle's writing is informative and relatable, giving practical advice that you can actually do. This book relieves some of that parenting anxiety, helping parents guide their kids through those inevitable mistakes and turning them into learning and connecting opportunities.
September 15, 2023
Wise and empathetic. Michelle Icard’s latest book is an essential addition to your parenting book shelf! Navigating the tween and teen years isn’t always smooth sailing, but this book offers the reassurance and guidance to help parents successfully navigate through the rough patches. Highly recommend!
September 27, 2023
Parenting is hard - especially when my oldest is 9 going on teenager and my 4yo is emulating his brother. This book is so helpful with tactics and resolutions to change setbacks into successes. I appreciated her time and effort into writing this book and I know that I will use it in the future.
Thanks to NetGalley and Rodale Books for this eARC. This book is out now.
Thanks to NetGalley and Rodale Books for this eARC. This book is out now.
February 23, 2024
Slow to start while the author explains her approach, but it really picks up once we get to the case studies. This isn’t the kind of parenting book that needs to be read all the way through in order, but can be accessed as a resource, so you can jump right to the chapter(s) relevant to your kid(s).
August 7, 2024
Practical advice for not freaking out when your teen makes mistakes. The biggest takeaways for me were discerning when to take swift action and when to let the chips fall where they may. Mistakes are a requirement of growing up. A parent's reaction to those mistakes can have a lasting impact far worse than the lesson that can be learned.
September 3, 2023
Great suggestions for how to use a simple process to address parenting challenges. Love how the author redefines failure and encourages parents to think about their child’s needs instead of how setbacks may reflect on the parent.
December 27, 2023
As a mother of two middle school girls, I've been a Michelle Icard fan since reading her 14 Talks Before Age 14. This more recent book helps parents prepare for and handle their adolescent's "failures" in a productive way. I definitely recommend this for parents.
August 25, 2023
Michelle approaches failures with such empathy and totally reframed the way I see my own setbacks (both as a teen and as an adult). A must read for parents of teens everywhere. Totally brilliant.
September 29, 2023
Excellent book... I will need for reference over the next chapter of my life...raising 3 tween/ teen daughters. I love the teen bill of rights.
October 18, 2023
Easy to relate to with appropriate suggestions. I enjoyed the stories - a good read.
January 14, 2024
First section on failure highly useful, 2nd half breakdown less relevant but interesting
January 21, 2024
Really informative and great advice.
May 21, 2024
This book provides reasonable solutions and thoughtful processes for families. Very readable as well.
August 24, 2024
Some good reminders and specific strategies, not just all philosophy. I liked the case studies!
November 29, 2023
Let your kid develop grit by learning from mistakes and hard things.
Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews