Hard Is Not the Same Thing as Bad: The Perspective Shift That Could Completely Change the Way You Mother

by Abbie Halberstadt, Lindsay Long (Artist)

A PUBLISHERS WEEKLY BESTSELLER

Bestselling author Abbie Halberstadt helps women see how God can use the everyday  trial s of motherhood to radically transform how they view hardship and grow them to  become more like Jesus.

“Why me, Lord?”
 
Amid the toddler tantrums, the mealtime melees, and the backseat blowups, have you found yourself asking God that same question? Maybe even screaming it into a couch pillow? You’re not alone.
 
Your most trying moments as a mother can quickly spiral into discouragement, hopelessness, and sometimes even resentment toward God or your family—partly because our culture has conditioned us to believe that anything this hard can’t possibly be good for us.
 
Abbie Halberstadt, author of the bestselling M Is for Mama , shares scriptural wisdom and lessons learned from her own challenges as a mama of ten to help shift your perspective on the hardships of motherhood and of life, in general.
 
When you begin to see struggles as a necessary part of God’s plan for your spiritual growth, you can discover supernatural peace and purpose, even when you’re down in the deepest trenches of motherhood.
 

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Christian, Audiobook, Faith, Christian Living, Self Help

240 pages, Hardcover

Published September 5, 2023

Reviews

[Rebekka Wall · Rating 3 out of 5]

I gave this a shot after M is for Mama… but I should have learned my lesson.

First off, I do think Abbie would feel disappointed and saddened if she knew so many women would feel deflated after reading this.

I believe she felt she was sharing relatable truths here and was compelled to write and share all this (obviously, she took the time to put an entire book of her thoughts together) and I agree with the message hard doesn’t equal bad. But her examples of hard did not sit with me or I would imagine many others.

Once her teenager was short with her at dinner. Once she had to cancel her trip to Europe. Once she had a toddler who cried in the car. Once she had a friend who no longer was a friend because of jealousy. Once she could not longer do 2 co-ops so they did one. Once she didn’t have a doorknob on her pantry and had to install wallpaper because a professional wouldn’t do it. Once she was disrespectful to her husband. Her dad was bipolar but now has a great relationship with her and her kids - so not really that hard anymore?

I said this in my review for M is for Mama… I really am happy for her and her family. She clearly has a God given capacity in her life that comes from how He uniquely created her. And that sort of person is very special. She loves Christ and loves her family and that I can get behind.

But I simply can’t get on board that if you choose to get an epidural, use bottles, use Tylenol, sleep train, not have 10 kids, not homeschool, not home cook every meal, or gasp, not build your home from the ground up, you’re pressing the easy button.

[Kelbi Veenstra · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wish I would’ve quit this book. Some good thoughts, but it was hard for me to digest those as I was so appalled at what I perceived to be self-righteousness and condescension. I felt there was a lot of scripture taken out of context, as well. Also … Things I don’t need in a mom book: a “dad thought” at the end of every chapter. Thank u, N E X T.

[Lauren Klomparens · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whew. Lots of conviction here. Good reminders that just because motherhood is hard doesn't mean it's bad. Motherhood is one of many ways God uses to make us more like Him.

[Elise · Rating 1 out of 5]

The premise of the book is great. The first couple of chapters were headed in a great direction, but she went WAAAY off the rails.

I'm so tired of garbage books that use scripture out of context to fulfill personal agendas. 🤢🙄😒

Don't waste your time on this unless you need some kindling for a fire.

[Abigail · Rating 3 out of 5]

This did have lots of helpful and practical encouragement. I appreciated the breakdown of cultural attitudes and the corresponding scriptural correction at the end of each chapter. Her tone was a little too strident when topics veered toward her opinion instead of scripture, and some of her examples distracted greatly from the book as a whole.

I remember commenting on her last book that she had great ideas but needed a stronger editor, and I was sad to see her mention that she had a close friend edit this book just like the last one. A friend can be a great reader and encourager, but she needed a real editor with outside eyes and a more aggressive stance on parenthetical comments, tone, and narrow examples. For instance, and note I say this while nursing a baby at this exact moment, there were way too many unnecessary references to breastfeeding that would be distracting or disheartening to a formula feeding mom. A better editor would have asked for less repetition and had a stronger book as the result. This was disappointingly sloppy and read like blog posts instead of a book. She could learn as a writer what she is telling mothers: Hard feedback from an editor would not be the same thing as bad. I truly hope her publisher will require a better editor who will challenge her and elevate the final product for a more polished and focused book in the future.

[Laura Robinson (naptimereaders) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really loved this book!! This is the second book that Abbie has wrote & it has been such a joy to read her words & be encouraged by them. She shared hard truths that ALL mothers need to hear, as we live in a world that tells us if something is hard it’s because it’s bad. But that’s not the case at all, especially if you are a Christian mother.

“And may Christ’s sacrifice for our sins ever and always be the ultimate reminder that hard is not the same as bad.”

Moms (I’d say this really is more a book for moms) if you need to find hope in your “hard” whatever that may be in this season- this book points to Jesus and the gospel again and again. And you can find hope in that truth & why it’s important to have Him at the center of it all!

Thank you Harvest house publishing & Abbie for an eARC of this book.

“Without the hard, I am sadly going through life without the blaring realization of my own need for a Savior.”

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

Christian, parenting read.  I appreciate this book and its message (after just reading "Fair Play," by Eve Rodsky, I felt deflated). I still dont think this was the right approach for me (being told to just endure, citing scripture, or repeating that God makes all things possible, got repetitive and also felt deflating). I think the title message is important and I liked how she distinguished between suffering and challenging in the beginning. I dont regret reading it but dont think I can recommend it.

[Donna · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title caught my eye. I haven't heard of this author before so I had no expectations going into it. What a pleasant surprise. I wish this had been around when I was raising my little ones.

I loved the change in perspective. Hard? Yes! But for the collective good. Parenting is hard and I liked the questions, the thoughts, and the different way to look at things. Tackling an issue is by far different than avoidance.

I will have to put this one on my reread list. I completely enjoyed this one. So 5 stars.

[Melissa R · Rating 1 out of 5]

Audiobook read by the author (and her husband). The overall tone is condescending and holier than thou. The author is a mother of ten children, including two sets of twins! She gets up early to teach a fitness class! they DIY built their homes! she homeschools and works at the co-op! so if you think you’re tired, you’re wrong! Anything less than this is “mediocre mothering” and taking the easy way out (epidurals, Tylenol for fevers, etc). W I L D. And here’s a cherry picked bible verse to prove it! That’s not enough? There’s a “dad thought” from her husband at the end of each chapter. *eye roll* We all love a supportive husband and father, but as a book that is for mothers.. Go write your own book! Better yet, this all just should have been a blog.

I like the title of the book and about two points she made about how society treats children as a burden and that bashing them is okay. I was really holding out for something profound because the reviews were so good, but it never came.

[Alisha Knapp · Rating 3 out of 5]

I loved Abbie's first book, M is for Mama, but this one fell a bit flat for me. I love the premise of the book and feel it is so necessary to understand in our culture today. I 100% agree with her sentiment that our difficult moments in motherhood is what brings sanctification, and I appreciated her encouragement to lean on Christ in our hard moments instead of allowing those hard moments to turn us into victims of our circumstances.

I wanted so badly to love this book, but the way the author shared her points seemed really scattered to me. I also felt like oftentimes she was wearing her own strength and capacity like a medal over giving glory to Christ for it. Her husband's essays at the end of the chapters didn't always feel like they connected or added much value, but I liked the sentiment. Although I would highly recommend her first book, I'm not sure I would recommend this one. There wasn't any content I necessarily disagreed with, but I just don't feel like I walked away from the book with a ton of value, encouragement, or practical application.

[Susy C. *MotherLambReads* · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love Abby's words of wisdom as she writes from a place of experience and has lived in hard moments. This book would be applicable for any regardless of season's of life of motherhood. She has seen it all and has kids in every stage. I used to be an avid podcast listener and her's was a top choice. If podcasts are your jam now be sure to check her out at "M is for Mama".

Her main takeaway is that hard is good for us, and our good Father knows this and sends such things our way. She focus on these key thoughts:

-perspective shifts
- suffering
-easy and good things
-fear
- foregivness
-mom friends
-marriage
-newborn
-toddlers
-teens
-motherhood

I listened to an audio copy but would love a hard copy as it has beautiful illustrations. There is a part in every chapter where her hsuband weighs in with thoughts from his pespective.

💬 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸𝘴 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘵:𝘩𝘵𝘵𝘱𝘴://𝘸𝘸𝘸.𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘮.𝘤𝘰𝘮/𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘴/

[Dani · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF 😬

Although I didn’t love Halberstadt’s first book, I was looking forward to this one. “Hard is not the same thing as bad” has been a really helpful line for my own life, with seven (going on eight) kids, chronic illness, etc. But I read four or five chapters, then realized I’d pretty well gotten the gist of the title and lost interest. It felt like a thickly padded series of blog posts, not enough meat for a full book.

I hope it’s helpful to other women, but I was pretty disappointed. (Oh except for the illustrations - they look great! Big step up over the previous book.)

[Erica · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was such a blessing to me. Often times as Christians We view hard things as something to muscle through and get over with as soon as possible. But what if we saw hard things as something that draws us closer to God, that allows us to grow in him and to lean on him for strength. This book stepped on my toes in the best possible way and made me realize areas where I'm just trying to get through as opposed to learning and leaning on the Lord. I loved all of the biblical encouragement and wisdom that Abbie presented. I'm thankful for her stepping out, being vulnerable, and writing something that really needs to be heard. I felt like this book went a little bit deeper than her first book, and appealed to a wider audience of Mama's. I loved the "Dad thought" from her husband, Shaun as well as the action steps to take at the end of each chapter.

*I received an advanced digital copy thanks to Harvest House publishers. All thoughts and ideas are my own.

A "few" of the quotes that really stood out to me. There were so many more.

"Every stage (of motherhood) has the possibility of producing So much joy and maturity in our lives as Bible believing Christian mamas. And the deciding factor of whether the emotional scales will tip in the direction of, "this is so hard I hate it! " Or "this is worth the effort I am grateful I get to do this. " Is almost always the perspective with which we view the struggle."

I have been given the ability by God to choose the good in his strength, no matter how much easier It would be to dwell on the hard.

What if the very avenue for maturity that we long to walk down is the path of most resistance that looks a whole lot like are very cute, very challenging toddler.

The Lord is faithful to stretch our capabilities with every trial we face so that, Even if we encounter much harder situations then we did when we were sure we would never be okay again, we no longer buckle beneath the weight of inexperience. As God gives us new opportunities to rely on his strength, We can say with Paul, Philippians 3:12.

Hard work is good and necessary, and it will always be there for those Who desire a home of peace and order. But we lighten that load when we choose to center ourselves in Christ first.

Regardless of how hard My emotions work to convince me I am justified in my disdain for this pint-sized impediment to either my productivity or relaxation, scripture tells a different story.

The ultimate problem with easy is that, when we love it, we settle for whatever we can achieve in our own strength in any given moment. The Good news about hard is that we never have to do it alone or in our own power.

[Taylor Moxley · Rating 3 out of 5]

The premise of this book is SO necessary : hard is not the same as bad. This book provided some good examples and context. Wish it went deeper into how we lean on the Lord through hard seasons.

[Xan Sibley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an encouraging, biblically-rooted, quick read. I listened to the audio and it felt like an encouraging chat over coffee with an older, wiser mom 🤍 Def recommend for mamas in every season.

[Moriah]

Not for me. And I don’t want to be like “Just read Domestic Monastery” but then…Domestic Monastery is so rich and so good, and doesn’t have any weird agendas with regard to the superiority of unmedicated births, breastfeeding, and food choices so….for a primer on parenthood as a path toward holiness, read Domestic Monastery instead? :)

[Madelyn Istrate · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciate the heart of the author, Abbie Halberstadt. I have benefitted from and appreciate her IG posts. I do not doubt her desire in writing this book was to encourage Christian mothers and share some helpful truths. However, I struggled with a few aspects of this book.

What I enjoyed:
- There was an abundance of Scripture, which I greatly appreciated.
- The overall sentiment “hard does not equal bad” and the message that children are a gift rather than a burden are both things I wholeheartedly AMEN.
- Related to previous point, she had lots of wonderful things to say to remind mothers (and everyone) that how we speak about and to our children/all children matters.
- I appreciated her reminders that just because “hard doesn’t equal bad” it also doesn’t mean “hard must always be better/more righteous.”
- The last chapter was extremely encouraging and made me glad to have read the less encouraging parts of the book.

What could have been better:
- One of the things I struggle with in many contemporary Christian living books is the heavy reliance on personal anecdotes. There is a time and place for using anecdotes to enhance the message of the book, but I feel like this book (and others) rely more on the personal anecdotes than the main message. It can make it very hard to relate when our lives are entirely different and shifts the attention from the truths being communicated to the life of the person communicating.
- I’m not convinced that this book needed to be a book. Much of what Abbie shared is helpful, but could have been easily summed up in a blog post. The style of writing was much more casual and would’ve been more fitting on a blog.
- I struggled to remember that this book was a book on motherhood as I read it. The first half often felt more like a reflection on Abbie’s life and how she has seen in many circumstances how “hard does not equal bad.”
- The “Dad Thoughts” at the end of each chapter seem like a well-meaning and fun idea, but didn’t really feel like they fit.

Bonus caveat: giving your baby Tylenol or a bottle does not equate taking the easy route. Neither does intentionally spacing your children out. Some examples definitely veered into non-Scriptural territory and personal preference. So, for any Mama using a bottle or Tylenol, or spreading your babies out, you are not a failure.

⭐️⭐️⭐️

[R. L. Peterson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t even know where to start! This book was such a blessing to me. I plan to reread it slowly, because the convicting messages are ones I know I will need to be reminded of over and over. Cannot recommend this highly enough!

[Courtney · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am hesitant to recommend this one to other moms without quite of bit nuance and warning prior. It was a bit of struggle to finish this if I am honest.

The title tells all: hard doesn't have to mean bad when we face trials as a mother. We aren't called to be victims or martyrs as moms. Instead, the hard is shaping and growing us to be better followers of Christ, better parents, and better spouses. Three stars.

Pros: This book was filled with Scripture. So much so that all of my notes simply turned into copying pages of Scripture - what a gift!

Cons: I think it goes without saying that Halberstadt's experience as a mother to 10 kids is unique, inspiring, and encouraging. She shares plenty of anecdotes and stories of her own, but it became quite saturated and distracted from her main points often. The worst for me was that often her experiences carried the same weight, if not more in certain times, than Scripture, which is a big no-go.

In the end, there are some good points she is making, but I would be very hesitant to hand this to a struggling mama. The danger outweighs the good for me on this one.

[Lexi Huang · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall such a solid mom book with easy to read chapters that are full of truth-filled encouragement. Her message in each chapter is always the same - that the call to mother well is HARD, but that doesn’t make it bad, actually it makes it important to do well. I could see one critic being that it is repetitive but I personally really liked that aspect because each time I’d sit down to read, I would feel the conviction and the encouragement to continue in the hard. So maybe not something to speed read but something to take in over time.

Sometimes she can be a little cringy in her stance on having a ton of kids and how she has had twins so many times. It feels like she is listing all the ways she has it way harder than most moms. But I will say she doesn’t mean it that way, it just can accidentally come across that way and I think it holds it back from being a 5 star-er

[CaryAnne Hart · Rating 4 out of 5]

The “hard is not the same thing as bad” motto has been a helpful tool in this season of mothering. I enjoy Abbie’s two books, her humor, and the way she always points back to Christ instead of conforming to the cultural norm. She is consistent and though sometimes opinionated, she doesn’t bend or conform to be “liked” or “popular”. Appreciate her insight and wisdom. Would’ve been a very helpful book in my early early years of mothering!

[Katie Klein · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wish I would have had this book when my kids were younger!

[Gabie Peacock · Rating 5 out of 5]

After finishing this, I will now be begging all of my girl friends to read it! It was so good. I loved her first one, and I loved this one just as much. Abbie is the real deal.

[Anna |This Curly Girl Reads| · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I first saw Hard Is Not The Same Thing As Bad come out, I was so excited. The Lord has taught me this lesson (though not always in those words) over the years I’ve been a mom, and I knew it would be an excellent read. I was right and then some!

The beginning of the book was very good, and the last half was extra good (is that even correct grammar?) for me personally. I especially appreciated all the biblical references. It was so refreshing!

Are you a mom or going to be a mom? You should definitely read this book 😊 You will relate to something. You will leave each chapter convicted by the biblical reminders, encouraged in your motherhood journey, and most of all inspired to grow closer in your walk with the Lord.

Highly recommend.

[Brenda Tollett · Rating 2 out of 5]

Didn’t like end reference and personal vendetta against some author and book I’ve never heard of. Seems like she missed the point there.. she talked about a mother’s sacrifices and honoring Jesus. Yet she is a fitness instructor, has talked about her entire family going on trips to Alaska and Europe. She has weekends away with her husband. And relies on the older children to babysit. Also has one on one time with each child. All of these are “not losing yourself” she obviously has a supportive husband, and money. Not everyone has family or a mom that will have sleepovers with the grandkids. Vacations. Etc.

Didn’t like the comparison of the difficulty of motherhood to holocaust survivors or Jesus. I would believe we have it easier than they did.

I did like that there were good nuggets of information. To do’s. Biblical references. Input from her spouse.

Overall I don’t regret reading it but I wouldn’t recommend it. Just bits and pieces of it. A summary if you will.

[Brittany Lindvall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Better than her first book in my opinion and I found it more helpful. I did feel like she was trying to be a little too widely applicable by avoiding certain things in this one more than the other (spanking comes to mind). I don’t mind where she falls on the spectrum but state it, she has no problem giving her opinion on plenty of other things. I’m sure that was a conscious choice on her part. I did enjoy her husband’s comments, some of them were very good. It’s a definite recommend!

[Abigail Hayven · Rating 5 out of 5]

Woah. I will be rereading this book over and over in the parenting years to come. What a blessing it was to this new mama’s heart!

I read Abbie’s other book, M is For Mama, a few months ago and thoroughly enjoyed it. But I would say this one is even better. While M is For Mama gave a more practical approach to motherhood, this book gives a more overarching perspective on our mindset and heart posture surrounding parenting, while including Abbie’s always-helpful practical advice.

I will forever be gifting this book to moms in various seasons!

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hard Is Not the Same Thing as Bad is for Christian moms who are looking for a way to view the often challenging role of motherhood in light of the cross.

Abbie’s style is direct, and I, personally, appreciate that. This book was both engaging and encouraging (my absolute favorite kind of book)! It is not the “you can do hard things” kind of pep talk that leaves you trying to just grit your teeth through the challenges of motherhood. Instead, Abbie offers us the rich, Biblical truths that settle into our hearts and our minds so that we can see motherhood through a new perspective of “This is worth the effort! I am grateful I get to do this!”.

I also love she includes action step ideas, prayers, a note for dads (written by her husband), and scripture memory at the end of each chapter. I highlighted one in the chapter on connecting with teens (even though my oldest is 10) to implement this week. Gold.

This book is a gem for Christian moms. It is a book to remind us, simply, that motherhood is good because God is good… even when it is hard.

[Joanne | wellreadcoffeeaddict · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible book! I’m not a mother (yet) but so much of what she says is applicable to anyone, in any stage of life. Highly recommend!

[Annelies Veurink · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very good book for me to read. I often find myself struggling with impatience, frustration, focussing on the negatives when it comes to motherhood. Abbie was straightforward and clear in her book that we need to change our attitude and think eternally about our task with being mothers. “The narrative” comparison checklist at the end of each chapter was a great heart check for me.
I could have done without the many personal examples from the author why her own life is (particularly) hard. I felt that was a little overdone. (10 kids, twins, difficult behaviours, etc).