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Getting to 'I Do': The Secret to Doing Relationships Right!
Dr. Patricia Allen's jam-packed seminars in Los Angeles have resulted in over two thousand marriages. Now you too can take advantage of this proven step-by-step program. Here's what you'll
272 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 1994
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2401 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 86 reviews
February 27, 2013
I have mixed feelings about this book. I had heard a lot about it and how Dr. Pat Allen has had a big influence on many people (including Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker, of whom I am a fan), so I decided to give this book a try.
Some of the stuff in this book is good old-fashioned common sense (i.e., don't sleep with a man until you're in a committed relationship and don't move in together until you're engaged or married). Some of the stuff just didn't make sense to me until I had thought a lot about it (for example, she says the only way you know that you love yourself and others is if you honor your commitments. At first I was like, "whaaa?" and then after sleeping on it for several days, I realized it was completely true and kind of profound).
But as a Gen Y girl who was raised to believe that I can do anything I set my mind to, this book was a bit infuriating. At times, it seemed like Dr. Pat is telling women to always be totally passive and let men take the lead on everything, which is a very hard concept to swallow. After a great deal of thought, I came to the conclusion that Dr. Pat isn't recommending that women be passive doormats. Rather, she is telling women to relax, sit back, and let their love lives evolve naturally. If a man REALLY loves you and wants to cherish you for the rest of his life, he will step up and act the part. He won't need any help or any convincing from you. I think a lot of women (me included) make excuses for men's poor behavior, try to be energetic about fixing relationship problems, and try to force relationships that just aren't working. This book reassured me that a man will take the lead and be proactive if he truly cares. My job as a woman is to date around until I find a man who is willing to step up. Dr. Pat is basically saying chill out, ladies, and let men do most of the work.
Even if you don't agree with Dr. Pat's views on male-female roles, this book is useful in that it explains how men think and the best way to communicate with them. Overall, I learned a lot about the male mind from this book and I would recommend it if you are willing to read it with an open mind and can tolerate some of the anti-feminist sentiments.
Some of the stuff in this book is good old-fashioned common sense (i.e., don't sleep with a man until you're in a committed relationship and don't move in together until you're engaged or married). Some of the stuff just didn't make sense to me until I had thought a lot about it (for example, she says the only way you know that you love yourself and others is if you honor your commitments. At first I was like, "whaaa?" and then after sleeping on it for several days, I realized it was completely true and kind of profound).
But as a Gen Y girl who was raised to believe that I can do anything I set my mind to, this book was a bit infuriating. At times, it seemed like Dr. Pat is telling women to always be totally passive and let men take the lead on everything, which is a very hard concept to swallow. After a great deal of thought, I came to the conclusion that Dr. Pat isn't recommending that women be passive doormats. Rather, she is telling women to relax, sit back, and let their love lives evolve naturally. If a man REALLY loves you and wants to cherish you for the rest of his life, he will step up and act the part. He won't need any help or any convincing from you. I think a lot of women (me included) make excuses for men's poor behavior, try to be energetic about fixing relationship problems, and try to force relationships that just aren't working. This book reassured me that a man will take the lead and be proactive if he truly cares. My job as a woman is to date around until I find a man who is willing to step up. Dr. Pat is basically saying chill out, ladies, and let men do most of the work.
Even if you don't agree with Dr. Pat's views on male-female roles, this book is useful in that it explains how men think and the best way to communicate with them. Overall, I learned a lot about the male mind from this book and I would recommend it if you are willing to read it with an open mind and can tolerate some of the anti-feminist sentiments.
June 23, 2014
This book was recommended to me by a friend. While reading it, I couldn't help but think, "Why did she want me to read this?" Anyways, I think the author is a little bit off her rocker. I would recommend reading this book but taking her advice with a grain of salt. The most interesting thing that I learned from the book and the thing that I agree with the most is the idea that every relationship needs a masculine & feminine energy. I'd never thought about it that way, but it makes perfect sense. I think it is especially helpful for women, who oftentimes must have masculine energy outside of their romantic relationships, to evaluate themselves and decide which energy they want to be and which energy they want to attract. Where I disagree strongly is about the author's definitions of masculine & feminine energy and guidelines as to what a masculine energy & feminine energy does and does not do. No where was this more evident than in the assessment test that was provided. The one that sticks out is that if your boyfriend likes to camp and you do not, going camping with him (b/c it is something that he likes) is NOT the feminine thing to do. I also remember her saying that a woman should not give anything to a man over the age of 5 (FIVE!!) without expecting something in return. She says that if you want your thoughts respected AND your feelings to be cherished, you are a narcissist. Anyways, I'd suggest this book to a friend with the advice to pick out the pieces that make sense to you and laughingly disregard the rest.
May 27, 2021
I picked this book up after hearing Nikki Glaser discuss it on Sofia Franklyn’s podcast. At this point, nearly 30 years after it’s been written, it’s become a little outdated. The gendered language is problematic at times and it had me tuning out somewhat. However, I gave it 3 stars because I do feel like there is some good advice here about how to have healthy conversations, set boundaries, and express your needs within romantic relationships. The book is not a total loss, but needs to be read and examined critically by 21st century women.
July 8, 2021
While this book may trigger some feminists, including myself, it has actually been one of the biggest eye-openers for me in terms of what is masculine energy and what is feminine.
It wasn't easy reading it initially because it challenged many messages society throws at us from "you're a woman—you don't need a man" to "the future is female" & "you can have it all," but when I put my guard down, I was able to see how this was precisely the dysfunction blocking me from stepping into my divine feminine and being aware of how powerful I truly am.
The greatest irony is how in relinquishing this sense of control of wanting to be both feminine and masculine all the time, I was able to find more power in my feminine energy preference.
This book has made me understand commitment, boundaries, honouring the feminine, and how to navigate the waters of relationships in the first year. I feel more empowered to ask for a commitment and to do so in a way that isn't energetically confusing anymore.
I always though being feminine meant being giving and nurturing and had this whole idea in my head that it means caring for, but to my surprise, Dr Patricia Allen explains how being self-centred is ultimately the most feminine thing. I raised an eyebrow first...but with practice, I saw how powerful this suggestion was, and how effective it was at allowing me to see the masculine rise up in a man.
This book, I know, I will hand down to my future children early. Because I wish I had it sooner, and I don't say that about many books.
It wasn't easy reading it initially because it challenged many messages society throws at us from "you're a woman—you don't need a man" to "the future is female" & "you can have it all," but when I put my guard down, I was able to see how this was precisely the dysfunction blocking me from stepping into my divine feminine and being aware of how powerful I truly am.
The greatest irony is how in relinquishing this sense of control of wanting to be both feminine and masculine all the time, I was able to find more power in my feminine energy preference.
This book has made me understand commitment, boundaries, honouring the feminine, and how to navigate the waters of relationships in the first year. I feel more empowered to ask for a commitment and to do so in a way that isn't energetically confusing anymore.
I always though being feminine meant being giving and nurturing and had this whole idea in my head that it means caring for, but to my surprise, Dr Patricia Allen explains how being self-centred is ultimately the most feminine thing. I raised an eyebrow first...but with practice, I saw how powerful this suggestion was, and how effective it was at allowing me to see the masculine rise up in a man.
This book, I know, I will hand down to my future children early. Because I wish I had it sooner, and I don't say that about many books.
March 13, 2020
This book is trash. I got up to about page 70 and just couldn't go on. It's extremely dated and antithetical to modern feminism. I wouldn't recommend this if you are looking for a committed relationship with an equal partner. There were a few sentences/points that I agreed with, but the approach is all wrong.
July 15, 2008
LOVED this book. After reading it about 10 times in a row with highlighters in hand, I finally clued in. It made a HUGE difference in what I looked for in a potential hubby. Helped me steer clear of a few duds, helped me see what qualities were "golden" for me.
I recommend to read it once through w/o highlighters, then about 10 times more with. Color coded of course. Pink for girl stuff, blue for boy stuff, yellow for danger (caution!) green for what you're doing right, and because orange is the remaining one in the sharpie 5 pack for things you need to work on in yourself.
I have attended a few of the author's seminars in person, and am only two degrees of separation from direct personal contact. Pat Allen is a hoot! AND she hit the nail on the head for me :)
I recommend to read it once through w/o highlighters, then about 10 times more with. Color coded of course. Pink for girl stuff, blue for boy stuff, yellow for danger (caution!) green for what you're doing right, and because orange is the remaining one in the sharpie 5 pack for things you need to work on in yourself.
I have attended a few of the author's seminars in person, and am only two degrees of separation from direct personal contact. Pat Allen is a hoot! AND she hit the nail on the head for me :)
Read
June 17, 2012I though this author made many contradictory statements. She also has archaic attitudes towards women. Seems if you are a stay at home wife, you should just wait for your husband to make all your decisions and dress pretty. It scares me that there are people like this author writing books and having the world think they are experts.
April 24, 2022
Wow 😵💫.
Whatever this was took some science and gave it a horror movie twist that was more biased than the news nowadays.
There are better books about this niche topic out there.
I’m going to wash my brain with bleach, see y’all later ✌🏻.
1 star ⭐️
Whatever this was took some science and gave it a horror movie twist that was more biased than the news nowadays.
There are better books about this niche topic out there.
I’m going to wash my brain with bleach, see y’all later ✌🏻.
1 star ⭐️
May 28, 2017
This book has amazing insights into relationship.
In it, Dr Pat Allen explores the roles of the masculine and the feminine in relationship. Although the book title, "Getting to I Do", suggests it is for getting to marriage, the subtitle, "The Secret to Doing Relationships Right" is a better reflection of the insight contained.
Dr Allen points out that in relationship, there must be a masculine and there must be a feminine. She suggests that it does not matter whether the person assuming either role is male or female, and although I disagree with the morality of that suggestion, she is right that there must be a clear separation of roles if a couple wishes to avoid continual conflict and frustration.
She provides insight after insight, and case study after case study, showing how couples find peace and fulfillment, or clashes, frustration, and dashed hopes, as they switch between the masculine and the feminine roles.
She suggests that if a person wants to feel loved and cherished, they must accept and maintain the feminine role, and if they want to be respected, they must accept and maintain the masculine role.
She suggests that a woman that wants a masculine man better assume the feminine role, and maintain it in their relationship, or risk alienating and losing him. She suggests that a man that wants to be respected needs to cherish and safeguard his partner's feelings as well.
She points out that it is not necessary for a person to accept their chosen "relationship" role in all aspects of their life, but that they must maintain that role in the relationship itself or risk undermining what has been built.
She explores the problems that occur in relationship when one partner behaves strongly in one role during courtship, and then switches roles when events or experiences trigger actions in the alternate role.
Of course, most Christians will note that the recipe Dr Allen provides was ordained by God for a man and wife, that the roles and genders are not interchangeable, and that this has been documented in the Bible for near 6000 years. Yet even in the Church I have found a lot of folks with deep confusion over these basic truths, and although Dr Allen does not spiritualize her insight, and her insights on this seems to spring solely from her own research, she nails this principle dead-on, and I found her perspective accurate, encouraging, and insightful.
Whether Christian or non-Christian, no matter what your views on things that folks typically squabble over, this book has potential to reveal foundational truths about the way committed relationship works. With that said, it is worth noting that this book will not solve all relationship problems, but it has potential to provide revolutionary help to any couple who is clashing over usage of the masculine and feminine roles. I suspect that a huge percentage of relationships struggle over these roles from time to time, and for many, the role each partner chooses in the relationship, and how consistently they maintain this role, is likely to be one of the determining factors for whether their relationship will disintegrate, flounder, or flourish.
A must-read for anyone in or desiring relationship.
In it, Dr Pat Allen explores the roles of the masculine and the feminine in relationship. Although the book title, "Getting to I Do", suggests it is for getting to marriage, the subtitle, "The Secret to Doing Relationships Right" is a better reflection of the insight contained.
Dr Allen points out that in relationship, there must be a masculine and there must be a feminine. She suggests that it does not matter whether the person assuming either role is male or female, and although I disagree with the morality of that suggestion, she is right that there must be a clear separation of roles if a couple wishes to avoid continual conflict and frustration.
She provides insight after insight, and case study after case study, showing how couples find peace and fulfillment, or clashes, frustration, and dashed hopes, as they switch between the masculine and the feminine roles.
She suggests that if a person wants to feel loved and cherished, they must accept and maintain the feminine role, and if they want to be respected, they must accept and maintain the masculine role.
She suggests that a woman that wants a masculine man better assume the feminine role, and maintain it in their relationship, or risk alienating and losing him. She suggests that a man that wants to be respected needs to cherish and safeguard his partner's feelings as well.
She points out that it is not necessary for a person to accept their chosen "relationship" role in all aspects of their life, but that they must maintain that role in the relationship itself or risk undermining what has been built.
She explores the problems that occur in relationship when one partner behaves strongly in one role during courtship, and then switches roles when events or experiences trigger actions in the alternate role.
Of course, most Christians will note that the recipe Dr Allen provides was ordained by God for a man and wife, that the roles and genders are not interchangeable, and that this has been documented in the Bible for near 6000 years. Yet even in the Church I have found a lot of folks with deep confusion over these basic truths, and although Dr Allen does not spiritualize her insight, and her insights on this seems to spring solely from her own research, she nails this principle dead-on, and I found her perspective accurate, encouraging, and insightful.
Whether Christian or non-Christian, no matter what your views on things that folks typically squabble over, this book has potential to reveal foundational truths about the way committed relationship works. With that said, it is worth noting that this book will not solve all relationship problems, but it has potential to provide revolutionary help to any couple who is clashing over usage of the masculine and feminine roles. I suspect that a huge percentage of relationships struggle over these roles from time to time, and for many, the role each partner chooses in the relationship, and how consistently they maintain this role, is likely to be one of the determining factors for whether their relationship will disintegrate, flounder, or flourish.
A must-read for anyone in or desiring relationship.
October 24, 2017
I think this is a great guide to getting what you want out of a relationship without being a pushover or overbearingly bossy and demanding of a man. It has taught me a lot and makes a lot of sense. It made me realized all of the things that I have done wrong in a relationship and absolutely showed me that the men I have chosen in the past weren't necessarily the best match for me to begin with. I am very grateful for this book and will keep it as a hand held guideline of how I should carry a relationship.
October 8, 2021
I learned so much from this book! Never too late to learn!
September 13, 2022
Similar to The Rules, but with less fakery, 'games'...
Explained the differences between men and women and how they operate "think vs feel"
Explained the differences between men and women and how they operate "think vs feel"
October 23, 2023
Another relationship book that I found on TikTok, woohoo! I thought this was a very thought-provoking read, though it definitely swings a little too extreme in my opinion. The thesis is basically that in every relationship, there’s someone effectively “in their masculine energy” and “in their feminine energy”, regardless of their actual gender. (Disclaimer up front: This book is from the 90s and does not talk about non-heterosexual relationships at all, nor our non-binary friends.) It encourages the reader to consider which role they would *prefer* to be in, and realize how their actions might undermine that preference.
This framework definitely made me consider ways that I might have been over-functioning in relationships. To pick one example, I have bought men flowers a lot more times than they’ve bought me flowers—and Dr. Patricia thinks there’s a connection! She points out that modeling a behavior in hopes that the person you’re dating will magically catch on and start behaving differently is just not a psychologically sound way to do things. Rather, you need to create an expectation early on about how you wish to be treated, share positive reinforcement, and be willing to walk away if a situation isn’t meeting your needs. Pursuing men also makes them less likely to pursue you, and sometimes can lead to situations where you’re unsure if they’re actually into you because they’ve just been going along with your driving. I definitely took away several things to think about after reading this book!
This framework definitely made me consider ways that I might have been over-functioning in relationships. To pick one example, I have bought men flowers a lot more times than they’ve bought me flowers—and Dr. Patricia thinks there’s a connection! She points out that modeling a behavior in hopes that the person you’re dating will magically catch on and start behaving differently is just not a psychologically sound way to do things. Rather, you need to create an expectation early on about how you wish to be treated, share positive reinforcement, and be willing to walk away if a situation isn’t meeting your needs. Pursuing men also makes them less likely to pursue you, and sometimes can lead to situations where you’re unsure if they’re actually into you because they’ve just been going along with your driving. I definitely took away several things to think about after reading this book!
April 12, 2025
March book of the month! A friend recommended it, found it on ThriftBooks for cheap. I as pleasantly surprised!! All around pretty solid, could have done with less objectification.
September 2, 2008
This is a TERRIBLE title for a really interesting book on relationships that transcends marital status. This book was highly recommended by an author I really respect otherwise I wouldn't have made it past the title. I would recommend it for anyone - single, in relationship, married, divorced - particularly career-driven women. I don't necessarily buy into all of her opinions/points (although I feel like it's going to take a re-reading to fully understand the author's perspective) but the premise that women who are in charge all day at work and don't necessarily want to be in charge at home or in a relationship and might consider modifying their communication style from one to the other is just really interesting and made me really think.
October 20, 2015
Despite it being outdated like an episode of Murphy Brown and embarrassing like being caught in a pair of Spanx, this book is both as enjoyable and useful as both. Its themes must not be taken out of context nor held under an uber-modern "post gender" lens. When applied to the two opposing energies inherent in everything in the natural world, this book is actually great. What's so great about it is that it provides easy to apply techniques for knowing yourself, communicating yourself, and holding yourself to the standard you mean to, in long term relationships. I learned a lot from it and had a some laughs. But I'm still glad I own it electronically and don't have to keep it on my bookshelf for all the too-cool world to see.
October 16, 2011
I read this book on the suggestion of a friend. What the author says makes a lot of sense--you can't have two take-charge people in a relationship, and you can't have two you-take-care-of-it people in a relationship. What she suggests is tough--if you don't want to take the lead in a relationship, don't pursue the guy. But that just goes to show that I'm not very good at flirting lol.
January 19, 2011
This book changed my life. How? Awareness.
Now, I don't agree with everything that Dr. Allen preaches. However, I deeply enjoy and love this book.
I think it should be prime reading to anyone dating and relating to their sex of choice in this modern world.
Now, I don't agree with everything that Dr. Allen preaches. However, I deeply enjoy and love this book.
I think it should be prime reading to anyone dating and relating to their sex of choice in this modern world.
October 25, 2020
A QUALITY MARRIAGE GUIDE
I'm pretty mad that I haven't read this book before I got married myself. It has me thinking of all the mistaken compromises I made. This is a QUALITY RELATIONSHIP AND MARRIAGE BOOK.
I'm pretty mad that I haven't read this book before I got married myself. It has me thinking of all the mistaken compromises I made. This is a QUALITY RELATIONSHIP AND MARRIAGE BOOK.
October 11, 2019
Misogynistic drivel.
January 10, 2020
Mind poisoning garbage
Read
February 1, 2020Apparently I'm a narcissist not fully self-centered enough to be female.
March 3, 2020
My mom recommended this to me and after that first chapter I was hooked. I didn't want her to be right, I still don't. But I see the truth of her words playing out in real life all the time. I don't want to have to display myself as a sex object to get a date. I think it's demeaning. But I look around and it's the women that do that are going out and the women that don't are who're staying in on Friday nights.
February 13, 2024
This book was recommended by a mentor. It was written in the 90s, and definitely has a simplistic view of male and female roles that would rub many people in 2024 the wrong way. That said, it gives a lot of good, practical advice for communication within traditional relationships between masculine and feminine people. What I’ve learned and already applied has been eye opening. I definitely foresee myself returning to this in different stages of dating relationships to reread and glean more advice.
October 3, 2024
2.6 ⭐️ rounded up. dr patty is insane but also i get what she’s saying. u must read this with a grain of salt! trying to be more in my feminine 😂😂😂
February 24, 2025
Let’s go with 1.5 stars. I don’t even know how I truly feel about this book. I added this to my to-read quite a while ago following the recommendation on one of my many podcasts I listen to. It was published in the 90s, so I knew it’d be dated, but wow how far we’ve come. The entire book is based on a very binary view of the “feminine” vs “masculine” in a relationship. I did my best to read this with an open mind, despite that, and did find that I resonated with SOME things, but absolutely cringed at others. I’m not a seasoned book critic, but what I did do while reading this was highlight quotes that either made me go 🥴 or 🤨 or 👀. I’ll let you guess which is which. Enjoy these bits from the book:
“respecting your man's thinking ahead of your own means that whether the ideas, desires, or opinions that he is sharing agree or disagree with yours, you must listen, re-vere, honor, esteem, and accept them, or negotiate a change in such a way (which I will teach you) so that he feels respected.”
“this transmitting tissue is smaller in right-handed men than it is in left-handed men or in women, generally right-handed men act from either their left lobe (teaching, verbal-izing, problem-solving, solution-giving) or their right lobe (sensuous, nonverbal, sexual), but rarely from both right and left lobes at the same time.
However, a woman, because her corpus callosum is larger, is capable of processing data both from her right and left lobes at the same time, in effect melding her thoughts and feelings. This can cause problems in a relationship between a woman and a right-handed man, when she expects him to be able to speak freely about feelings and he expects her to be logical. Often, a right-handed man is confused about his bright, sensitive woman, and says, "How can anyone be so smart and so dumb at the same time?"
“If you choose to be the feminine energy, do not ask your masculine man for better or more love, time, affection, or sex. You may ask for all the things you want, like diamonds, houses, and cars, because masculine men like giving things. But in the area of love, time, affection, and sex you must wait patiently for the best offer to say yes or no to.”
“If you look back at your own childhood, and your mother was giving, protecting, and cherishing her family, you're seeing someone who forgot to go back to her womanhood after she had her babies. Mothering is a terminal illness when used on able-bodied people over the age of five, who can do for them-selves.”
“If you choose to be the feminine energy in a relationship, please take this pledge:
"I PROMISE NEVER TO GIVE ANYTHING TO A MAN UNLESS HE IS UNDER FIVE YEARS OF AGE OR SICK IN BED, UNLESS THERE'S SOMETHING IN IT FOR ME FIRST."
“NARCISSISTIC-Trying to use logic and feelings equally, which ultimately neutralizes both and ends intimacy through competitive conflict.”
“Knowing what he thinks and wants allows him to focus better, and a focused, thinking masculine man will act decisively, which will elicit respect from you, his feminine woman. He will say, "We're going to go there. We're going to do this. I'm going to get that job. I'm going to build this house. I'm going to provide for you. How do you feel about that?" And you will tell him how you feel, whether it be positive or negative.”
“Feminine women literally gush painful feelings verbally, and they need to know that all those painful feelings will be accepted, even if not approved of, by their men.”
“When he marries, he gives up irresponsibility and takes on the responsibility of his woman and everybody she loves, and she gives up her independence.”
“She can be what I call "undependent,* which is dependent at home and independent at work.”
“Each person in a relationship needs to be able to function financially independently of the other in order to be an adult.”
“Over a period of time, you, too, can "bond" physically to the man you're having sex with. It may take you longer than a feminine-energy woman, but when you do bond, it could become an addiction and cause illness and loss of your ability to work.”
“If you want to "attract" a masculine-energy male, you must be "seen" as a sex object. You take care of your body, dress sensuously, fix your hair and makeup, go where men are, catch "his" eye, and signal your interest and availability”
“A woman may not want to be seen as a sex object, but the truth is, she has to be if she wants to attract a man.”
“you should never flirt in silk, and try not to wear pastels. The rule is, never show sweat. It gives away everything.”
“All right, I know you may be cringing. But I never said finding the right mate was going to be easy. I just said it would be worth the effort.”
“If you go to the gym to work out and be healthy, you're not going there to be female. If you go to the gym to dance to music, to swim, or to lie around and talk to the girls, you are "going feminine." The following is a pledge I ask "feminine-energy" women who come to my seminars to take:
"I PROMISE TO WASTE AT LEAST ONE HOUR EACH DAY OF MY LIFE, TASTING, TOUCHING, SEEING, SMELLING, AND HEARING, WITH NO PERFORMANCE IN MIND, AND I PROMISE TO SHARE THAT PROCESS ONCE A WEEK WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, IN ORDER TO PRESERVE MY FEMININE ABILITY TO BE FEELING-CENTERED AND RELATIONSHIP-ORIENTED, SO HELP ME GOD!"”
“My definition of love is: "THE ONLY WAY YOU KNOW YOU LOVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS IS BY THE COMMITMENTS YOU ARE WILLING TO MAKE AND KEEP."”
“Waiting is hell, but I maintain that a man is not gone unless it has been eight weeks, because it can take that long for him to process a decision. For four weeks, a man can usually keep himself busy dating, working, and living without you. But if he is really interested, somewhere between six and eight weeks he will begin to miss you, and then he will call.”
Okay honestly yall, there are soooo many more but I’m tired of trying to copy and paste from my kindle lol hmu if you want more craziness with maybe a tiny bit of wisdom thrown in?
“respecting your man's thinking ahead of your own means that whether the ideas, desires, or opinions that he is sharing agree or disagree with yours, you must listen, re-vere, honor, esteem, and accept them, or negotiate a change in such a way (which I will teach you) so that he feels respected.”
“this transmitting tissue is smaller in right-handed men than it is in left-handed men or in women, generally right-handed men act from either their left lobe (teaching, verbal-izing, problem-solving, solution-giving) or their right lobe (sensuous, nonverbal, sexual), but rarely from both right and left lobes at the same time.
However, a woman, because her corpus callosum is larger, is capable of processing data both from her right and left lobes at the same time, in effect melding her thoughts and feelings. This can cause problems in a relationship between a woman and a right-handed man, when she expects him to be able to speak freely about feelings and he expects her to be logical. Often, a right-handed man is confused about his bright, sensitive woman, and says, "How can anyone be so smart and so dumb at the same time?"
“If you choose to be the feminine energy, do not ask your masculine man for better or more love, time, affection, or sex. You may ask for all the things you want, like diamonds, houses, and cars, because masculine men like giving things. But in the area of love, time, affection, and sex you must wait patiently for the best offer to say yes or no to.”
“If you look back at your own childhood, and your mother was giving, protecting, and cherishing her family, you're seeing someone who forgot to go back to her womanhood after she had her babies. Mothering is a terminal illness when used on able-bodied people over the age of five, who can do for them-selves.”
“If you choose to be the feminine energy in a relationship, please take this pledge:
"I PROMISE NEVER TO GIVE ANYTHING TO A MAN UNLESS HE IS UNDER FIVE YEARS OF AGE OR SICK IN BED, UNLESS THERE'S SOMETHING IN IT FOR ME FIRST."
“NARCISSISTIC-Trying to use logic and feelings equally, which ultimately neutralizes both and ends intimacy through competitive conflict.”
“Knowing what he thinks and wants allows him to focus better, and a focused, thinking masculine man will act decisively, which will elicit respect from you, his feminine woman. He will say, "We're going to go there. We're going to do this. I'm going to get that job. I'm going to build this house. I'm going to provide for you. How do you feel about that?" And you will tell him how you feel, whether it be positive or negative.”
“Feminine women literally gush painful feelings verbally, and they need to know that all those painful feelings will be accepted, even if not approved of, by their men.”
“When he marries, he gives up irresponsibility and takes on the responsibility of his woman and everybody she loves, and she gives up her independence.”
“She can be what I call "undependent,* which is dependent at home and independent at work.”
“Each person in a relationship needs to be able to function financially independently of the other in order to be an adult.”
“Over a period of time, you, too, can "bond" physically to the man you're having sex with. It may take you longer than a feminine-energy woman, but when you do bond, it could become an addiction and cause illness and loss of your ability to work.”
“If you want to "attract" a masculine-energy male, you must be "seen" as a sex object. You take care of your body, dress sensuously, fix your hair and makeup, go where men are, catch "his" eye, and signal your interest and availability”
“A woman may not want to be seen as a sex object, but the truth is, she has to be if she wants to attract a man.”
“you should never flirt in silk, and try not to wear pastels. The rule is, never show sweat. It gives away everything.”
“All right, I know you may be cringing. But I never said finding the right mate was going to be easy. I just said it would be worth the effort.”
“If you go to the gym to work out and be healthy, you're not going there to be female. If you go to the gym to dance to music, to swim, or to lie around and talk to the girls, you are "going feminine." The following is a pledge I ask "feminine-energy" women who come to my seminars to take:
"I PROMISE TO WASTE AT LEAST ONE HOUR EACH DAY OF MY LIFE, TASTING, TOUCHING, SEEING, SMELLING, AND HEARING, WITH NO PERFORMANCE IN MIND, AND I PROMISE TO SHARE THAT PROCESS ONCE A WEEK WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, IN ORDER TO PRESERVE MY FEMININE ABILITY TO BE FEELING-CENTERED AND RELATIONSHIP-ORIENTED, SO HELP ME GOD!"”
“My definition of love is: "THE ONLY WAY YOU KNOW YOU LOVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS IS BY THE COMMITMENTS YOU ARE WILLING TO MAKE AND KEEP."”
“Waiting is hell, but I maintain that a man is not gone unless it has been eight weeks, because it can take that long for him to process a decision. For four weeks, a man can usually keep himself busy dating, working, and living without you. But if he is really interested, somewhere between six and eight weeks he will begin to miss you, and then he will call.”
Okay honestly yall, there are soooo many more but I’m tired of trying to copy and paste from my kindle lol hmu if you want more craziness with maybe a tiny bit of wisdom thrown in?
June 11, 2020
Probably one of the better dating books I've read.
Its primarily geared toward women, but it can relate to all genders and orientations. I like how she doesn't just say there's only one way to act, but she acknowledges that men and women are either masculine or feminine, and opposites attract. Therefore, if you're a masculine woman who likes to give and lead, you'll have a better relationship with a feminine man who likes to receive. She also gives some good pointers on effective communication and conflict resolution,.
It's also helped me see where I could be going wrong, as well, in the way I approached relationships, personally. The author also gives descriptions and tips on how to navigate the four phases of dating: Honeymoon, Imperfect, Negotiation, and Commitment.
Overall, a great read for anyone who is looking for a serious, committed relationship, and is willing to be open-minded, and learn new ways of relating to the opposite sex.
Its primarily geared toward women, but it can relate to all genders and orientations. I like how she doesn't just say there's only one way to act, but she acknowledges that men and women are either masculine or feminine, and opposites attract. Therefore, if you're a masculine woman who likes to give and lead, you'll have a better relationship with a feminine man who likes to receive. She also gives some good pointers on effective communication and conflict resolution,.
It's also helped me see where I could be going wrong, as well, in the way I approached relationships, personally. The author also gives descriptions and tips on how to navigate the four phases of dating: Honeymoon, Imperfect, Negotiation, and Commitment.
Overall, a great read for anyone who is looking for a serious, committed relationship, and is willing to be open-minded, and learn new ways of relating to the opposite sex.
January 27, 2014
I really enjoyed this book, I thought the example throughout did an excellent job of highlighting the situations and techniques referenced. Even though I don't agree with everything the author says, I do appreciate the information she provides, and I did like the fact she admitted to her marital problems. I like the focus on "loving yourself" more than the other person and knowing when to stand your ground and walk away. I thought it was excellent to point that out as women tend to want to "work things out" and stay too long. Overall, I would recommend this book, and I'll use it as a reference to see how they work in real life.
June 15, 2023
Keep in mind I read this over 15 years ago but I believe it’s the reason I got married. I also recommended it to three friends and they all were married within a year. Coincidence, maybe? What still stands out to me to this day was around masculine and feminine energy. As women who have had to conform to survive in the outside world it makes us have to carry energy that we may not necessarily want to have in our relationships. This book is definitely not for everyone, take it with a grain of salt as it is over 20 years old.
April 19, 2021
Ended up reading it twice in quick succession, this is a very entertaining and useful read. I feel perhaps the title is a bit misleading because at its heart it teaches communication skills that are vital to anyone who wants to have joyful, fun and meaningful relationships, regardless of whether they lead to marriage. I would recommend to anyone seeking to be more self-aware and better equipped to navigate dating.
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