You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder

by Kate Kelly

With over a quarter million copies in print, You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?! is one of the bestselling books on attention deficit disorder (ADD) ever written. There is a great deal of literature about children with ADD. But what do you do if you have ADD and aren't a child anymore? This indispensable reference the first of its kind written for adults with ADD by adults with ADD focuses on the experiences of adults, offering updated information, practical how-tos and moral support to help readers deal with ADD. It also explains the diagnostic process that distinguishes ADD symptoms from normal lapses in memory, lack of concentration or impulsive behavior. Here's what's And the book still includes advice

Genres: Adhd, Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health, Health, Personal Development

482 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 1993

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name.

Kate Kelly is a clinical specialist in psychiatric nursing who leads therapy groups for ADDults. She lectures widely and is a featured presenter at most major ADD conferences. (from Amazon.com)

Reviews

[Michele Harrod · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks. This is all I can say to these authors. Talk about pick a book up, and suddenly understand your whole life. And yes, I did think that, and yes, I have since been tested ADHD positive, at my ripe old age of 44. Never even knew such a thing existed in Adults. The discovery and the journey of self understanding, forgiveness and learning new ways to live, have been utterly life changing and amazing. Wow, I really wasn't lazy, crazy or stupid! Very cool.

[James Oliver · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's the first book I read on ADD so I guess the initial favourable impression was just a kind of 'ah, at last I am not alone' kind of recognition. However, I've liked it less as time passes. It is badly organised and set out with far too many exclamation marks and EMPHASIS!!! It's a real 'victim' book.

One thing that is good is that it outlines the various 'sub-types' of ADDers - ADD symptoms manifest themselves in different kinds of behaviours among different types of people. It's not just crazy tartrezine-fueled kids running around causing chaos.

I think Driven to Distraction is a better and ultimately more helpful book.

[Marley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kind of ironically, I'm going to call this one too scattered. I get that when they started, this was a work by not-so-professionals trying to get the word out when zero other material existed on the market, so they tried to cover absolutely everything.

However: SO many anecdotes thrown in for a paragraph at a time and then referred to 300 pages later, so many that you kind of lose track of anything so many different types of "ADDers" are actually supposed to have in common with each other. So many different angles at trying to boost one's self-esteem that don't all match up with each other. And so many different kinds of listmaking that they seem to suggest you do all at once (thus overwhelming the easily-overwhelmed ADHD types!). All that said, some very valuable nuggets of gold for the newly diagnosed or the probably-about-to-be-diagnosed. (money line here:) I think the string of quotations I scribble into my commonplace book are going to be infinitely more valuable than this book as I experienced it in real time.

The final 4 chapters of the revised edition, written after 10 years of experience as ADD life coaches and thus filled with much more concrete suggestions, might end up my favorite parts. All the stuff on meditation, exercise, pulling it together when having "an overwhelm," and ADD-specific ways to fight negative self-talk (c.f. my "Feeling Good" review) actually seem pretty useful. Hold on for my next review, which will cover a book on this subject that so far is proving far more consistent and digestible and interesting to me.

[Pamela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Finally, I'm not alone. For years I thought I was crazy. I thought if I tell anyone what its like inside my head, surely they'll have me committed. So I kept quiet. It wasn't until my kids were diagnosed with ADHD and my daughter explained to me what its like in her head, that I realized I had ADD. I still wasn't sure what that meant, so I went looking for books. The title of this one immediately caught my attention, but I was sure the information contained inside couldn't possibly live up to the title that I so easily related to. I was wrong. This book has been a savior, in a head that is constantly cluttered, streaming, and screaming for peace, now I know I'm not alone. I know I can manage what sometimes feels like an uphill battle, in 10 feet of snow, without my shoes on.

The book is funny, well organized, and easy to read for someone who tends to read several books at one time because I can't keep my head in just one. I'm in the process of reading all of Kate and Peggy's books on ADD.

[Inge · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was a disappointment for me. Too focussed on ‘recovery’ as if adhd ever disappears, scattered and pretty outdated in certain aspects.

I actually dnf-ed this one before deciding to give it another shot. I initially decided to end because in one of the first chapters it told me to follow the twelve steps of AA for adhd recovery and to ‘believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity’ - uh excuse me what. AD/HD is not insanity and has nothing to do with a ‘Power greater than myself’ it’s neurological?!

As this was mentioned as a good resource on AD/HD I decided to give it another shot. I could’ve spared myself the effort. This may have been a good resource twenty years ago, but it does not hold up - even with the updates.

The majority of the given strategies or bits of advice weren’t workable. Not everyone can just switch careers, or would be better off being a stay at home-mom... And can we stop telling people with AD/HD to ‘work’ on it? Yes, sometimes you might need certain strategies to cope because you struggle with certain aspects of society due to how your brain works, but ‘working’ on AD/HD or ‘recovery’ suggest that we can overcome it and it’s all bad. The authors do advocate acceptance and the fact that AD/HD also has its good sides, but the language in this book contradicted that at least once per page.

I also wonder whether anyone has ever explained what gender actually is to the authors... and confronted them with their ideas about the role of women, as well as their ideas about romantic relationships and having kids. (which both seem to be presented as something we all need to achieve ASAP)

[Amy Rhoda Brown · Rating 2 out of 5]

Starting right from the awkward title, this book is showing its age. Written back in the nineties (when it was apparently the only ADD book) it tries to cover all the conceivable angles of the ADD life in one dense tome. It's text heavy, with narrow margins and clunky visual design, leavened only by some unattractive and often irrelevant cartoons.

It's 2016 and you can now read books — or at least articles —about every conceivable concern for people with AD/HD: AD/HD in the workplace, AD/HD in the bedroom, AD/HD for women, men, boys and girls, AD/HD on vacation, AD/HD and personal grooming, AD/HD and pets... I can keep going as long as I can think of things to Google.

You definitely do not need to slog your way through this book. It was, no doubt, an amazing resource in its time, but now it can safely be retired.

[sophie]

If you've done some reading about ADHD in recent years - books, articles, videos - you've likely received the same or better information than what this book can provide.

The information is dated, and it shows, relying mostly on the authors' experience in their own lives and as ADHD coaches. Most glaring is that the book itself is unfortunately not ADHD-friendly to read at all - it is long, and the writing I found wordy and repetitive. I can appreciate the meaning of it's publication at the time, but there are better modern resources.

[Emma Sea · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well, who knows if I have ADD or not, but certainly the strategies I have in place so I can cope with life are exactly the same strategies the authors recommend for ADD. (Except meditation. I read a lot of books that suggest meditation, and I'm so resistant to the idea and I do not know why.)

But to some extent aren't these just strategies that all adults use to get stuff done and keep sane? SCHEDULE! Time track. Use notebooks to record everything (Evernote is the greatest invention in the world). Keep a routine. Make room for quiet time. Get enough sleep. Find balance (still one I have trouble with).

What I actually wanted the book for - strategies for working with a co-worker with ADD - not actually so useful, because the focus is on developing personal self-management routines, rather than things I can do in the workplace to make life easier for them and make us productive when working together. So much is variable that I'm going to have to ask them what they prefer (but not over the telephone! So that was one good tip).

I can't judge how good this book would be for the target market, but it seems really comprehensive, I liked the authors' writing style, and I enjoyed reading it. I think this would also work for people who are just temporarily overwhelmed with stuff, and not only for people with ADD.

3.5 stars rounded down.

[Julee Smucker]

I read the latest version, which was not this edition. Just finished reading it in January 2021. For someone learning about themselves and AD/HD it us a very good read. Though outdated, it still has very pertinent information and insight. I read this book after other people that have AD/HD suggested it.

What I like most of all is thatthe ladiea that wrote it have AD/HD, so it comes from a neurodiverse perspective. Both were professionals when they wrote it, so having someone with knowledge is reassuring.

A great read with no judgement and very valuable information for a beginner!

[ceren · Rating 2 out of 5]

When I started this book I thought I can learn something from it and utilise it in my life. I was almost done with the book and I hadn’t got any significant detail that I didn’t know already. It has what known information for even not ADHD person can predict. Wasn’t worth the time.

[Misheel Mandalsaikhan · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF!

I was so excited to start reading this book and gain valuable insight into my ADHD since it was consistently well recommended online!!!!

- The writing style made me want to rip my hair out!!!!!
- Reminiscent of me trying to describe my bizarre dreams to my husband, going into too much detail, & emphasizing everything as important to the plot!!!!

- They say they structured the book in a way that’s helpful for people with ADHD and somehow made it worse!!!!

- Too many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Weird spacing between paragraphs that made me lose track of what they were saying!!!!!!

- Clearly a self-help book written 2 decades ago that would’ve been helpful then!!!

- Pretty sure I get more useful insight from memes.

[Laura · Rating 1 out of 5]

Note: This review refers to the eAudiobook, a 2-hour-long abridgment of the original book.

I don't believe I have ADD, but I thought the book might have some useful strategies for dealing with procrastination and disorganization. Perhaps the full-length book does include that type of content, but this abridged edition did not. Perhaps this audiobook would serve as a useful refresher if you had read the full-length book. It is not useful as standalone material.

Most of the information did not seem specific to ADD and it was explained too superficially to be useful. For example, active listening and the use of "I" statements were covered in only a minute or two each.

Fairly early in the recording, they recommend tracking, in great detail, how you spend your time for 2-3 weeks, then analyzing your records to plan your time for an upcoming week. This advice sounds nearly impossible for anybody to follow, let alone somebody who struggles to sustain attention. And then they go on to say that your plan will probably fail!

[Marti Dumas · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book was well-organized and the voice was genuine. If I had read it when it was originally published years ago, I probably would have found it informative. Unfortunately, I was hoping to gain some insight into ADD for adults and I didn't learn anything that I didn't already know. I'd give it 2 stars because the Goodreads label says 2 stars= "It was okay," but that seems like a pretty low rating for a book that does have pertinent information despite not being helpful for me.

[Gavin · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is not a book. It's a joke really. Looks like the author cut out an article or two from COSMOPOLITAN and then paid someone a few hundred dollars to increase the number of total words so she could have it published as a book.

Utter waste of time (and money).

[Luke Scalone · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked up this book in the hopes of getting a deeper dive into ADHD, and I feel like this wasn't really what I was given. I had previously read Taking Charge of Adult ADHD: Proven Strategies to Succeed at Work, at Home, and in Relationships, and that was a reasonable, science-backed primer. It wasn't deep, but it was a crash course with special given to medical treatment. This book, instead, recommends medicine, but it seems to be much more about everyday beyond or in addition to medication.

Such a book is fine, in principle, but this went into each topic with far more detail than necessary. In fact, it's challenging to see this book as being about ADHD at all. Going by this book, I would imagine that ADHD is a form of neurodivergence that simply intensifies things that everyone experiences. It's a primer on how to live life, and that's great, but isn't really what I was looking for.

To make matters worse, I'm not sure that it even gets ADHD right. I could be totally off-base, but it seems to me that ADHD is not a mere intensification of certain aspects that everyone lives. Instead, it is a qualitatively different experience. This ultimately stems from issues with relating to neurotransmitters--dopamine, most significantly, but also norepinephrine and serotonin. The frontal lobe seems to be especially badly affected by it, and it seems to run somehow out of step with the rest of the brain.

There is one thing that is really good about the book, and it's the extensive coverage given to meditation. For many with ADHD, meditation seems to be an absolute lifesaver, and I suspect it is because of the way it causes different brain parts of the brain to work in concert. If I remember correctly, Richard Jones, in An Introduction to the Study of Mysticism, argues that mystical experiences generated by both meditation and psychedelics lead to different lobes coordinating in ways that they normally do not. This is exactly the sort of thing that those with ADHD would find useful. I've also found that other SSRIs are helpful in getting my own ADHD under control. I have the triple-whammy of ADHD, depression, and being without a thyroid. As a result, my tendencies are really intense, and hitting the depression and thyroid problems with medication lightens much of the load exacerbating ADHD.

I apologize for the digression, but these were some of the things I thought about as I read the book. It might be worth reading if this is your first time learning about ADHD, but there are other books out there.

[Kirsten · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can see why this was recommended to me by so many people. It's a good, friendly guide for people who've been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. Occasionally it's a bit dated, especially some of the organizational advice, but overall I found it super helpful and appreciated the cheerful tone.

[Matt Gets Lit · Rating 3 out of 5]

Now that I have a library card, I've started doing the research on ADD that I've always wanted to do, to better understand how my husband acts and communicates.

The first book I read was "Driven to Distraction" by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey. It was a little dated (first published 1992) but super informative–almost too informative, as it followed several case studies in both adults and children. I learned later the book is considered among the gold standards in ADD research. I can understand why; I came away from it feeling like I better understood how my husband thinks. More importantly, I knew how to explain his mental distractions and hard-wired impulses, enabling me to not interpret them as direct assaults.

Next on my list was this one, "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!" Where the last book had a psychological angle, this book was kinda all over the place. Self-help, biology, empowerment, psychology: the writing feels scattered and overwhelming.

I should admit though, it's a little weird to read a self-help book for a disorder I don't have. For example, there was an extensive section describing body language and how to communicate while in groups. While all the tips felt obvious to me, to the point where I thought the authors were patronizing their readers, perhaps this is the exact detailed description someone with ADD needs. Especially in 1993, when this was originally published, and when there weren't as many resources available.

But some of the tips the writers provided just weren't practical. One tip was to time how long people talk in a group conversation. Ideally, this was to help the ADD adult to know how long to speak and to not monopolize the conversation. But I can't imagine this person would make many friends if they were always checking their watch while people were talking.

Another tip was to close your office door if you find your work environment too distracting. (Especially that loud fax machine!) Super helpful for everyone who has office doors. And if your family dinner is disrupted by noisy pets, maybe it's time to find one of those furry rascals a new home.

After that last advice, it was difficult to take the rest of this book seriously.

I feel these writers' hearts were in the right place, and maybe it was a necessary resource at the time it was published, but I don't think I came away from this book with anything new or useful.

[Lucas · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is outdated, and I often felt alienated as someone who differs in gender from men and women. No usage of "they" but "he/she". But even though there wasn't quite a lot of information or even simple thought about people from other genders, this book still has usefulness, a lot of it even.

It was a blast to read! And the humor isn't even hopelessly lost in time, nor is it offensive; it's simply playful. It's lighthearted and keeps the book from being boring. I think humor is a good way to keep it attractive to read.

It's quite a read, as it is thick, but it is filled with information. There are lengthy explanations (really helpful!) with lots of detail, but never too much. You also don't have to read it in order (I did, though), you can simply go to the table of contents and choose a chapter that sounds helpful to you. it's a self-help book after all.

Definitely worth a go!

[Adrienne Campbell · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's been 19 years since I read this book but I know it helped me understand who I am and how my brain works. It was wonderful to read a book that made sense to me. I could totally relate! When you've spent most of your life either being told or believing you are lazy, crazy or stupid...it's a wonderful relief to know you are not alone. And no, I'm not Lazy, Crazy, or Stupid!

[Ayla · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars
Self help book on understanding ADHD and implementing strategies on how to successfully live with it. Easy to read and fun pictures to break up the chapters keeping you motivated to finish! Found much that I related to while some parts not so much.

[Abbie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Eh, it was fine. A bit outdated probably

[Tara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read after an official diagnosis. My whole life makes sense now lol.

[Jem · Rating 2 out of 5]

Outdated and the tone was annoying throughout.

[Saleh Ibrahim · Rating 3 out of 5]

Loved it, help me understood more about ADD. However the book feels outdated and I have the feeling there are better resources out there. Great starting point but doesn’t feel comprehensive enough.

[sterling webster]

DNF'ed at 15%

Don't make a book about ADHD over 400 pages. I clearly don't have the attention span to read it.

[Steph · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think the audiobook is easier to digest than the physical copy based on the reviews I've read. I listened to the audiobook and generally found it easy to get through. However, I will say the book shows its age so an updated version might be better. It was informative and I found parts helpful but it probably wouldn't be my first ADHD book recommendation.

[Kazi Nahian · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was a great read. Considering how old the book is, it does a good job touching upon the technicalities and symptoms of ADD. in addition, it covers details about meds and its alternatives very nicely, too. Despite everything, I feel like by the end of the book it becomes just like any other old self help book, very pep-talky.

[Someone Someplace · Rating 3 out of 5]

The main issue with this book is that it’s very outdated, with the last update being in 2005 afaik. There’s a few pearls of wisdom but overall besides an intriguing title - meh.

[Phoenix Scholz-Krishna · Rating 2 out of 5]

This "updated edition" is already out of date. Its language is far from neutral/inclusive, and its chapters on technology and organisational systems are badly in need of an update. There was also a lot of stuff I skipped because it doesn't apply to me: I'm not American (and this book is extremely US-centric), I don't have children or a large family, I'm no longer in a school/university environment, and in my country, a lot of the approach, medication, costs of assessment and treatment, and even recommended medication is very different. Thankfully, I already have a top organisational system (I hugely recommend the very basics of The Bullet Journal Method by Ryder Carroll), but some of the chapters on navigating conversation, reading neurotypical people's behavioural and conversational codes, and being a trained adrenaline junkie (and how to free up time, space, and resources when caught up in this stressful cycle) really struck a chord with me. At the very least I now have some starting points for practising slowing down my overly busy mind, even before starting medication.

TL;DR: I recommend treating this book as a pick & mix according to your own experience and needs.

[Kimberly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book on many levels, but it was written awhile ago and I could not stomach the now obvious masking techniques taught so I could blend in to the group. Now this could be me n a mood because I have high pain today from my chronic illness or it could be me wanting to be accepted with my differences not only because I can hide them well.

Still I devoured the first two parts of this book because it was great to hear I have real medical differences not me being a daydreamer, fairy touched, mentally imbalanced, developmentally challenged or whatever horrible things people may have said behind my back.

So a good quick listen (audiobooks rule for those needing to move and wanting to read). Really good for being an older book. I am sure if they could update it with current information it would be a 5/5.