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Working for You Isn't Working for Me: The Ultimate Guide to Managing Your Boss
A groundbreaking guide to dealing with difficult bosses by two bestselling experts
In their bestseller Working with You Is Killing Me, Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster taught readers how to free themselves from emotional traps created by difficult colleagues. Now they apply their research and insights to the challenges of "toxic bosses." Sooner or later, we all work for someone we can't stand. When that happens, some people quit, some suffer in silence, and others cope by sulking, obsessing, avoiding, or retaliating. But it's better to take control by applying the four-step process in this book:
• Detect: Am I crazy or is my boss driving me crazy?
• Detach: Accept that you can't change your boss, but you can take back your power.
• Depersonalize: Learn to take your supervisor's behavior less personally.
• Deal: Devise a plan to get what you need, manage your boss, and move your career forward.
Filled with concrete examples, this book will help readers take back their power from even the most challenging bad bosses- chronic critics, yellers, unconscious discriminators, control freaks, pathological liars, and more.
In their bestseller Working with You Is Killing Me, Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster taught readers how to free themselves from emotional traps created by difficult colleagues. Now they apply their research and insights to the challenges of "toxic bosses." Sooner or later, we all work for someone we can't stand. When that happens, some people quit, some suffer in silence, and others cope by sulking, obsessing, avoiding, or retaliating. But it's better to take control by applying the four-step process in this book:
• Detect: Am I crazy or is my boss driving me crazy?
• Detach: Accept that you can't change your boss, but you can take back your power.
• Depersonalize: Learn to take your supervisor's behavior less personally.
• Deal: Devise a plan to get what you need, manage your boss, and move your career forward.
Filled with concrete examples, this book will help readers take back their power from even the most challenging bad bosses- chronic critics, yellers, unconscious discriminators, control freaks, pathological liars, and more.
320 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2009
38 people are currently reading
232 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
January 30, 2025
I had fun reading this self help. Picked up this book when I was in serious mental breakdown from the pressure of my job. The book is not boring chapter by chapter. But it has some interaction. I can write notes and memos.
5 stars
5 stars
July 14, 2020
I stumbled upon this book when I hit a rough patch with my boss. I mean, really rough. In a no-nonsense way, it helped me diagnose the problem. I was able to figure out what kind of manager I was dealing with and how I may be contributing to the situation.
Most importantly, it helped lift me above the fray and gave me some distance and perspective so I could come up with a game plan. After three years in the job, I resigned. I was dealing with a "sacred cow" and I was unwilling to continue sacrificing myself and my staff to an incompetent big boss. So thank you, Crowley, for making that choice easier to make.
Most importantly, it helped lift me above the fray and gave me some distance and perspective so I could come up with a game plan. After three years in the job, I resigned. I was dealing with a "sacred cow" and I was unwilling to continue sacrificing myself and my staff to an incompetent big boss. So thank you, Crowley, for making that choice easier to make.
May 27, 2024
Although I write a lot of book reviews, I usually don’t review psychology-related books because their value is so subjective. What’s most valuable to me as a worker in a non-psychological enterprise, isn’t necessarily valuable to everyone else. Thus, I have a hard time ascertaining a psychology-related book’s general worth. However, this book is an exception. Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster offer workplace advice that pertains to almost everyone. They investigate dealing with difficult bosses and parse, down to the gritty details, how to handle each boss depending on one’s personal approach to work.
To the troubled employee, who faces an all-too-common problem of a difficult boss, Crowley and Elster offer a four-part process: Detect, detach, depersonalize, and deal. Since workers and bosses come from a variety of psychological stances, they subdivide reactions according to a matrix of how these personality types interact toxically and how their interactions can possibly improve. Of course, an employee’s self-awareness and reasonableness play a central role in achieving the best outcome.
My first reaction to this book is that my workplace isn’t so bad. We have our difficulties, for sure, and this exploration addresses those. However, many difficult scenarios that I haven’t encountered are addressed here, like a serially lying boss or a prejudicial boss. Learning to deal with those situations helps me, but it also reminds me that my more trivial difficulties aren’t so severe. It gave me perspective.
Second, besides dealing with bosses better, reading this book equipped me to deal with colleagues and perhaps direct reports in a better way. I was surprised how much the insights could help me with leading other people and dealing with their personality types. It was a guidebook about what not to do as a boss. By itself, that viewpoint added value.
The task of achieving a good relationship with your boss is one that most of us face at some point. I’m glad to take away a few constructive pointers from Crowley and Elster and to grow into a broader perspective about my life situation. It will help me as I continue to do work developing software.
To the troubled employee, who faces an all-too-common problem of a difficult boss, Crowley and Elster offer a four-part process: Detect, detach, depersonalize, and deal. Since workers and bosses come from a variety of psychological stances, they subdivide reactions according to a matrix of how these personality types interact toxically and how their interactions can possibly improve. Of course, an employee’s self-awareness and reasonableness play a central role in achieving the best outcome.
My first reaction to this book is that my workplace isn’t so bad. We have our difficulties, for sure, and this exploration addresses those. However, many difficult scenarios that I haven’t encountered are addressed here, like a serially lying boss or a prejudicial boss. Learning to deal with those situations helps me, but it also reminds me that my more trivial difficulties aren’t so severe. It gave me perspective.
Second, besides dealing with bosses better, reading this book equipped me to deal with colleagues and perhaps direct reports in a better way. I was surprised how much the insights could help me with leading other people and dealing with their personality types. It was a guidebook about what not to do as a boss. By itself, that viewpoint added value.
The task of achieving a good relationship with your boss is one that most of us face at some point. I’m glad to take away a few constructive pointers from Crowley and Elster and to grow into a broader perspective about my life situation. It will help me as I continue to do work developing software.
October 30, 2017
Although I don't currently have "boss troubles," I certainly have in the past and found this book to be actually very helpful for even generally positive work environments. Although I'm somewhat skeptical of relying too much on "types" to stereotype communication styles, I did find it helpful here to look at what the authors call your "boss baggage profile" and then how that conflicts with your boss.
For example, I was pretty clearly divided between identities they call the Nurturer/ Harmonizer/ Star/ Disarmer, which I felt captured my work personality pretty well. What was really interesting was when you take this into identifying your needs and expectations in the workplace to see where things might be off. Personally, I'd agree wholeheartedly that I have a need to feel useful and be given responsibility. I need to feel valued from above and even to feel important at work. From those needs, my expectations are also pretty clear - to be appreciated, needed and trusted. I expect to be able to grow professionally in my workplace and I expect to work for someone with a vision. Conversely, I fear not carrying my weight as much as I fear not being important or seen as a 'smart' member of a team. I fear not having it together as well as being held back or marginalized.
Again, although I would categorize my work experience as generally positive, seeing these things about myself made me realize where my "buttons" were that were being pushed at work. These qualities seem obvious now, but I hadn't had other workplace advice books do as good of a job outlining these things for me and explaining why I was feeling tension where I was.
One aspect of this book that I really enjoyed was the realistic assessment they gave about when it's time to leave a job. The authors ares very upfront about pairings that she doesn't think will work, which is actually refreshing. Too often, these business/workplace self-help books make you feel as if any problem is your own fault or there are situations you can fix if you just apply whatever method the book is recommending. There were definitely situations here that I recognized from my past and the authors were right, I should've left earlier.
Overall, this would be a book I'd like to have on my shelf for future reference.
For example, I was pretty clearly divided between identities they call the Nurturer/ Harmonizer/ Star/ Disarmer, which I felt captured my work personality pretty well. What was really interesting was when you take this into identifying your needs and expectations in the workplace to see where things might be off. Personally, I'd agree wholeheartedly that I have a need to feel useful and be given responsibility. I need to feel valued from above and even to feel important at work. From those needs, my expectations are also pretty clear - to be appreciated, needed and trusted. I expect to be able to grow professionally in my workplace and I expect to work for someone with a vision. Conversely, I fear not carrying my weight as much as I fear not being important or seen as a 'smart' member of a team. I fear not having it together as well as being held back or marginalized.
Again, although I would categorize my work experience as generally positive, seeing these things about myself made me realize where my "buttons" were that were being pushed at work. These qualities seem obvious now, but I hadn't had other workplace advice books do as good of a job outlining these things for me and explaining why I was feeling tension where I was.
One aspect of this book that I really enjoyed was the realistic assessment they gave about when it's time to leave a job. The authors ares very upfront about pairings that she doesn't think will work, which is actually refreshing. Too often, these business/workplace self-help books make you feel as if any problem is your own fault or there are situations you can fix if you just apply whatever method the book is recommending. There were definitely situations here that I recognized from my past and the authors were right, I should've left earlier.
Overall, this would be a book I'd like to have on my shelf for future reference.
July 1, 2016
This book really has one idea that it repeats in various modes and guises: Your problem with your boss is not a problem with you.
This is a reassuring idea, but what if it is a problem with you? Part of life is self-assessment and part of self-assessment is relying on external signals.
I don't think that's well integrated here.
This book is not meant to be read cover-to-cover. Rather different chapters are based on how you score on the personality quizzes.
This is a reassuring idea, but what if it is a problem with you? Part of life is self-assessment and part of self-assessment is relying on external signals.
I don't think that's well integrated here.
This book is not meant to be read cover-to-cover. Rather different chapters are based on how you score on the personality quizzes.
December 21, 2009
Great book with practical assessment help and ways to address various types of bad behavior from bosses.
February 14, 2024
The title makes you think that it's only applicable if you absolutely hate your boss, and it is useful then, but I think it's a good book for anyone to read. After all, how many of us work for companies that are perfect and bosses who are angelic and do nothing annoying at all? This dives into why bosses actions are triggering to us, and proposes that we think about how we respond to that behavior. I identified some of the ways I react that actually do not help me. I got the book from my library, but I'm considering buying it, highlighting certain passages, and keeping them at my desk (wfh).
I like that it gave me some skills to make my job a bit easier on me.
I like that it gave me some skills to make my job a bit easier on me.
September 22, 2019
I like that it validated bad bosses. The advise is structured but nothing too enlightening. Basically, identify that your bad boss is not your fault, decide what you are willing to deal with or find a different job. Pretty standard. With abusive bosses, it's easy to say that one should never deal with it and to report it as illegal activity. However, in practice, it's never that clear cut. One must collect evidence before blowing a whistle in order for the whistle blow to result in anything favorable. I appreciated that the book took this approach.
August 18, 2025
I have read several pieces of work from these authors. I would find this one to be a bit repetitive with some of the solutions being outdated, but I would highly recommend readers check out other works from these authors as well.
November 13, 2022
Helpful suggestions for dealing with toxic/abusive boss.
April 1, 2016
This book has many pluses to it. I also think that I might have gotten a great deal more from it if I had read it a couple of years ago when I was both less further along in my own journey, and (consequently) less able to deal with the 'interesting' boss that I had at the time.
The good parts of the book:
-it gives clear outlines of the 20 (!) types of problematic bosses that people are likely to encounter
-it gives solid details about how to recognize a problematic boss
-it gives solid details about recognizing what stage of interaction you are in with you problematic boss
-it gives some fantastic advice on how to cope with the problematic boss, beginning with your own responses to the boss, and including ways to structure other areas of your life so that your needs can be met outside (or even inside) work and therefore no longer require a healthily-responding boss
-it NEVER victim blames. The above sentence sounds like it might but quite the opposite: by highlighting areas that the reader can change in her/his life the book empowers the person to move in healthy directions, making the impact of the problematic boss much less in the reader's life overall
-the writers provide solid information conveyed in an informative, compassionate, a bit playful, but still professional way
-the book recognizes that bosses can be both male or female. (however it was awkward to use 'him or her' 'he or she' etc. throughout. Many other authors switch pronouns between paragraphs with the same result and less awkward grammar construction).
The downsides, for me, were:
-'four Ds', '20 boss types', 'three As', 'I-forget-how-many reader types', all of these categories seemed overwhelming, especially as I am the opposite of the person who like to break the world down into little boxes
-I did not fit any of the 'reader types'. I've been working very hard on defining myself for myself and so often no longer seem to fit into the 'types' described by self-help books. I suppose that is actually a wonderful sign of progress, but it did make other parts of the book tedious for me
-because I did not fit a 'type' I started reading bits for all of the 'types' in the other chapters. It was tedious
-the 'depersonalize' advice for all types was essentially: 'whatever is going wrong between you and one of these 20 boss types, remember that it is about him/her rather than you'. As a result, I ended up skimming over this entire section
-the 'dealing with' section also seemed tedious so I skimmed and skipped it too
-the 'alleviating fears' part had some solid advice but also seemed more applicable to readers having dysfunctional/unhealthy responses to healthy/healthy enough bosses. The book is supposed to be dealing with the opposite type of relationships, or at least the fact that the boss is dysfunctional and unhealthy in his/her responses (even if the reader is as well). E.g. 'fear of making mistakes' by the reader might be 'due to perfectionism' especially with a healthy boss. BUT when the boss is unhealthy it is fairly likely it is due to 'fear of being screamed at', 'fear of being unfairly criticized', 'fear of being fired for a minor transgression', etc.
Overall, the book is a solid resource providing some solid advice for readers dealing with problematic bosses. I think, however, it would be most useful for those who are beginning their own healing journeys (again, I likely would have gotten more out of it a couple of years ago) or those who are in intense stages of their relationships with problematic bosses and need a reminder about possible healthy and useful responses to the situation.
The good parts of the book:
-it gives clear outlines of the 20 (!) types of problematic bosses that people are likely to encounter
-it gives solid details about how to recognize a problematic boss
-it gives solid details about recognizing what stage of interaction you are in with you problematic boss
-it gives some fantastic advice on how to cope with the problematic boss, beginning with your own responses to the boss, and including ways to structure other areas of your life so that your needs can be met outside (or even inside) work and therefore no longer require a healthily-responding boss
-it NEVER victim blames. The above sentence sounds like it might but quite the opposite: by highlighting areas that the reader can change in her/his life the book empowers the person to move in healthy directions, making the impact of the problematic boss much less in the reader's life overall
-the writers provide solid information conveyed in an informative, compassionate, a bit playful, but still professional way
-the book recognizes that bosses can be both male or female. (however it was awkward to use 'him or her' 'he or she' etc. throughout. Many other authors switch pronouns between paragraphs with the same result and less awkward grammar construction).
The downsides, for me, were:
-'four Ds', '20 boss types', 'three As', 'I-forget-how-many reader types', all of these categories seemed overwhelming, especially as I am the opposite of the person who like to break the world down into little boxes
-I did not fit any of the 'reader types'. I've been working very hard on defining myself for myself and so often no longer seem to fit into the 'types' described by self-help books. I suppose that is actually a wonderful sign of progress, but it did make other parts of the book tedious for me
-because I did not fit a 'type' I started reading bits for all of the 'types' in the other chapters. It was tedious
-the 'depersonalize' advice for all types was essentially: 'whatever is going wrong between you and one of these 20 boss types, remember that it is about him/her rather than you'. As a result, I ended up skimming over this entire section
-the 'dealing with' section also seemed tedious so I skimmed and skipped it too
-the 'alleviating fears' part had some solid advice but also seemed more applicable to readers having dysfunctional/unhealthy responses to healthy/healthy enough bosses. The book is supposed to be dealing with the opposite type of relationships, or at least the fact that the boss is dysfunctional and unhealthy in his/her responses (even if the reader is as well). E.g. 'fear of making mistakes' by the reader might be 'due to perfectionism' especially with a healthy boss. BUT when the boss is unhealthy it is fairly likely it is due to 'fear of being screamed at', 'fear of being unfairly criticized', 'fear of being fired for a minor transgression', etc.
Overall, the book is a solid resource providing some solid advice for readers dealing with problematic bosses. I think, however, it would be most useful for those who are beginning their own healing journeys (again, I likely would have gotten more out of it a couple of years ago) or those who are in intense stages of their relationships with problematic bosses and need a reminder about possible healthy and useful responses to the situation.
November 28, 2009
I liked it, but I did have some doubts, which to some readers may seem minor. I still recommend it. You can read my full review over in my personal bloghere.
June 11, 2016
Very practical information for anyone in a toxic work environment (bad boss and colleagues). Some great strategies no matter where you are in your career. I highly recommend this book for people new to the working world.
July 14, 2010
Not bad - I hoped for more detailed instructions but all in all not a bad guide.
February 19, 2013
Should be mandatory reading for any working person. Helpful even if you love your boss
January 8, 2014
Very very interesting and astute observations. I think that the toolkit in this book will be really helpful in dealing with my boss...
August 17, 2016
All scenarios in this book show the boss and your co-workers as the problem. Was looking for a book that addressed if my attitude was the problem.
April 26, 2017
"Don't resent, document!"
Best little motto ever.
I *loved* this book. The authors were very cool and non-judgmental and really seemed to understand the frustration people can feel with their boss or current work setting. The book was chalk full of solid advice, most of which are easy enough to implement. The questionnaires in the book were both helpful and fun.
Best little motto ever.
I *loved* this book. The authors were very cool and non-judgmental and really seemed to understand the frustration people can feel with their boss or current work setting. The book was chalk full of solid advice, most of which are easy enough to implement. The questionnaires in the book were both helpful and fun.
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews