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Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation
Learn how to stop policing and pleading and become the parent you want to be. You love your children, but if you're like most parents, you don't always love their behavior. But how can you guide them without resorting to less-than-optimal behavior yourself? Dr. Becky Bailey's unusual and powerful approach to parenting has made thousands of families happier and healthier. Focusing on self-control and confidence-building for both parent and child, Dr. Bailey teaches a series of linked skills to help families move from turmoil to 7 Powers for Self-Control to help parents model the behavior they want their kids to follow. These lead 7 Basic Discipline Skills to help children manage sticky situations at home and a t school, which will help your children 7 Values for Living, such as integrity, respect, compassion, responsibility, and more. Dr. Bailey integrates these principles in a seven-week program that gets families off to a good start, offering plenty of real-life anecdotes that illustrate her methods at work. With this inspiring and practical book in hand, you'll find new ways of understanding and improving children's behavior, as well as your own.
304 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2000
995 people are currently reading
3841 people want to read
About the author
Becky A. Bailey
41 books74 followersBecky A. Bailey, Ph.D., specializes in early childhood education and developmental psychology. Her lectures reach more than 20,000 people annually, and her awards include a Parents' Choice Foundation commendation for three of her parenting audiotapes. She has appeared on CNN, PBS, and The Hour of Power with Dr. Robert Schuller, among other programs. She lives in Oviedo, Florida.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 273 reviews
July 5, 2023
I consider myself something of an authority on parenting books, having read at least 25 of them. They seem to fall into categories, Tips and Tricks, Woah You Didn’t Already Know This Hype, Specific Problem, XYZ is the Reason Why Kids Today are Weird, Parenting Through Religious Teachings and finally, Teach Yourself to Teach Your Children Without Screwing Them Up Too Badly. Easy to Love is the only one I’ve read that falls into this last category. This is my third reading of this book in two years.
About two and a half years ago was my most difficult time during my relatively short time as a mother. I had been struggling with my then three-year-old since she hit that 18 months mark. I was pregnant with my second, doubting my wisdom in birthing my first and feeling an like an utter failure as a parent. I was so stressed I was actually having chest pains. I was yelling, swearing and otherwise being the exact opposite of what I wanted to be. Despite my fervent attempts at control, (or perhaps because of them) Danielle was misbehaving at every turn; defiant, (NO, YOU CLEAN IT UP!) hurtful, (I HATE YOU!) and quick to melt down at every setback. I’m getting anxious just writing this. I tried everything: time-outs, punishing bad behavior by taking things away, rewarding good behavior and offering choices and incentives. I also tried outright control tactics using all my power as MOM to control her. None of it worked and none of us were happy. I knew there had to be a better way. I searched and searched and when I found this book the synopsis shone like a ray of hope into my desperate heart. I think I may have heard angels harmonizing. Yes, yes this is us!
As I read I knew I found that elusive parenting philosophy for which I had been searching! Becky focuses on self-control (for parents and children) and discipline as teaching rather than punishment. Kids develop in predictable ways and no one is born knowing how to negotiate conflict. Some of us never learned. (Me!) As I grew I learned how to avoid most conflicts and internalize the rest. (Awesome strategy, no?) In my mind conflict is BAD. (No wonder I used to fantasize about running away to the mountains to be a hermit.) In actuality conflict is GOOD, because it is an excellent opportunity for learning and teaching. Instead of giving me advice on to manipulate and control my children, it taught me how discipline and control myself, so I could then be an effective teacher for my children. Every time I teach my girls how to negotiate through a conflict I feel more confident negotiating my own conflicts. It taught me how to assertively say “no” and be heard without being hurtful. It taught me to be kind to myself when I make mistakes and give myself credit for my good intentions so that I could see my children’s true (good) intent and be kind with them when they make mistakes. Then guide and practice with them what to do instead. I learned how to turn off the “punitive self talk” (Amy, that was really stupid. What’s wrong with you?) that was programmed into me, so I can also resist hurling the plethora of terrible phrases I have stored away at my children. It taught me that the gift of controlled parenting that I give my children, I also give myself. I feel like I’m finally going through and throwing out my growing-up-baggage rather than handing it down to them.
Easy to Love can get a bit confusing with Becky’s Seven Powers for this and Seven Basic Skills for that and GAMES and PEACE plans that don’t fit very well with what you’re supposed to remember. However, if you take it slow and read word to word, stopping to absorb and mentally practice what’s she’s saying, you’ll get it. This book is the exact opposite of a quick-fix, it takes years and multiple reading before everything really start to sink in. Becky stated that for her personally it took about five years before the processes and words felt natural and came to her mind without thinking hard first. I was discouraged initially and then thought, I could be the same crappy, ineffective parent I am now in five years or a better, happier version of myself in five years.
Here is an example of a personal situation to which I applied Becky’s teachings.
Marker Mayhem!
Danielle is coloring with markers at her kid sized table in our front room. Gabi comes up and tries (in normal toddler fashion) to grab the marker right out of Danielle's hands. Danielle shouts, “NO GABI THAT’S MIIINE!! MOOoooooOOMM, Gabi is trying to take my marker!!!”
Gabi starts stomping her feet and adds to the cacophony, “I neeeeed it! Give it to Gabi!”
Before reading this book (or on an off day today) I would have handled it one of two ways:
Tact 1. Go after Danielle because she's older and therefore less crazy.
Me: “Danielle, can you share your marker with Gabi?”
Danielle: “No! Noooo! I need it to finish my horse picture!” Predicting that I’m going to coerce her she digs in. “I don’t want her to use my markers!”
Me: I'm getting frustrated at this point and my brains becoming scrambled by all the ambient screaming: “Danielle, you need to learn to share! Gabi just wants to color with you! Why is that such a terrible thing?! Give her one of the other markers that you’re not using.”
Danielle: “NO, NOOOOO! I don’t want her to use my markers!!” “Gooo away GABI!” she practically spits out. Gabi ratchets her displeasure up a notch.
Me: Feeling desperate I say, “Gabi, lets you and me go read some books!”
Gabi: “No, no! Color! Markers! Maaaaarrrrrkers!"
Me: “Danielle, share with Gabi or the markers are mine.”
Danielle: “No!!!!”
I take all the markers and shove them in the box and put them up on top of the fridge.
Danielle: “Good, you take them, just so long as GABI doesn’t get to use them. FINE!”
Me: *Long angry rant about sharing and sisterly love and you should be so lucky to have so much and this is selfish behavior, etc, etc.*
Tact 2: Go after Gabi because she's the offender.
Me: “Gabi, you can’t snatch things from other people!” “Let go! Let gooo!” Pry her fingers off Danielle’s marker.
Danielle: “Yeah, Gabi don’t snatch!”
Gabi: “Maaaaaaarrrrker! I neeeeed it!”
Me: “Gabi, lets do something else. Do you want to read a book?”
Gabi: “No, maaaarrrrker!”
Me: “How about blocks? We can build a super cool tower!”
Gabi: “No, marker!”
Gabi runs back and grabs marker again. Then we start with tact 1.
Results of doing things “my” way:
I’m angry and disappointed, Danielle is angry with me and Gabi, and Gabi is melting down. I did all the work resolving the conflict and nobody is feeling good.
This is how it plays out when I use Becky’s methods:
I dash in and then squat down to be eye level with the girls. Danielle starts in reiterating the problem, “She’s trying to snatch my marker!!”
I look at both girls and say, “Hold on, lets calm down, we can figure this out. Gabi let go of the marker, I’ll help you.” I help release her fingers.
Gabi: “Maaarrrker, I need it!”
Me: “Gabi, you wanted to color with Danielle so you tried to take the marker.”
Gabi looks at me and calms down a little. Danielle tenses up, expecting me to try to coerce her, I reassure her, “Don’t worry I’m trying to teach you guys.” “Gabi, if you want to color with Sister, please ask, don’t take, taking can hurt Danielle’s feelings. Try asking now. Say, ‘Danielle can I have your marker?’”
Gabi: “Danielle, have marker?”
Danielle: “No! I’m using it! I need it to finish my horse picture.”
Me: “Say that to Gabi.”
She does, somewhat gentler, and Gabi starts to get upset again.
Me: “Danielle, try offering Gabi one of the other markers.”
Danielle: “Gabi, here you can use a different color.” (She really did this!) “But don’t color on my picture!”
Me: “Danielle can you show Gabi where to get paper?”
Danielle: “Gabi come with me, the paper is over here.” Feeling magnanimous, she gets Gabi about 50 sheets.
Gabi sits down and starts coloring, Danielle says, “Wow, Gabi I like your coloring.”
Result: We all learned something, our relationship is stronger and we are happy.
Instead of jumping in and solving the problem using my position of power, I taught them how to work through the conflict. Will they do this perfectly next time? Nope. Will they do it perfectly the next 50 times? Nope. But I see Danielle (5 years old) getting it more and more and trying out parts of it. She's much more relaxed when I come in to help with a conflict because she trusts me to guide her instead of coercing her. She has yet to put it all together, but heck she’s only 5! I don’t do it perfectly every time either, actually I mess up all the time. But, when I do make mistakes I’m kind to myself and remind myself that I’ll have lots of opportunities to practice and I’ll get it eventually. I particularly feel good that they’ll have these skills their whole life! Who has better odds of becoming a better baseball player, one who starts playing at 5 or someone who put a glove on her hand for the first time at 35?
My littler one, Gabi benefits from having clear firm boundaries and a Mom who knows how to enforce them without being angry or spontaneously permissive because she doesn’t have the will to fight on that particular day. With these tools, I know how to set and enforce boundaries in a loving way that teaches responsibility, self control and conflict resolution.
The principles of this book can be difficult to absorb as you’re learning them, however Becky provides many common real world examples that applies the teachings. At the end of the book she even provides a week by week schedule for practicing each particular skill.
I’m not a perfect parent, nor will I ever be, nor do I aspire to be. But I’m doing everything I can to give my girls the best chance at a happy life. In turn, I’m giving myself a happy life with my husband and the two coolest little kids I’ve ever met.
About two and a half years ago was my most difficult time during my relatively short time as a mother. I had been struggling with my then three-year-old since she hit that 18 months mark. I was pregnant with my second, doubting my wisdom in birthing my first and feeling an like an utter failure as a parent. I was so stressed I was actually having chest pains. I was yelling, swearing and otherwise being the exact opposite of what I wanted to be. Despite my fervent attempts at control, (or perhaps because of them) Danielle was misbehaving at every turn; defiant, (NO, YOU CLEAN IT UP!) hurtful, (I HATE YOU!) and quick to melt down at every setback. I’m getting anxious just writing this. I tried everything: time-outs, punishing bad behavior by taking things away, rewarding good behavior and offering choices and incentives. I also tried outright control tactics using all my power as MOM to control her. None of it worked and none of us were happy. I knew there had to be a better way. I searched and searched and when I found this book the synopsis shone like a ray of hope into my desperate heart. I think I may have heard angels harmonizing. Yes, yes this is us!
As I read I knew I found that elusive parenting philosophy for which I had been searching! Becky focuses on self-control (for parents and children) and discipline as teaching rather than punishment. Kids develop in predictable ways and no one is born knowing how to negotiate conflict. Some of us never learned. (Me!) As I grew I learned how to avoid most conflicts and internalize the rest. (Awesome strategy, no?) In my mind conflict is BAD. (No wonder I used to fantasize about running away to the mountains to be a hermit.) In actuality conflict is GOOD, because it is an excellent opportunity for learning and teaching. Instead of giving me advice on to manipulate and control my children, it taught me how discipline and control myself, so I could then be an effective teacher for my children. Every time I teach my girls how to negotiate through a conflict I feel more confident negotiating my own conflicts. It taught me how to assertively say “no” and be heard without being hurtful. It taught me to be kind to myself when I make mistakes and give myself credit for my good intentions so that I could see my children’s true (good) intent and be kind with them when they make mistakes. Then guide and practice with them what to do instead. I learned how to turn off the “punitive self talk” (Amy, that was really stupid. What’s wrong with you?) that was programmed into me, so I can also resist hurling the plethora of terrible phrases I have stored away at my children. It taught me that the gift of controlled parenting that I give my children, I also give myself. I feel like I’m finally going through and throwing out my growing-up-baggage rather than handing it down to them.
Easy to Love can get a bit confusing with Becky’s Seven Powers for this and Seven Basic Skills for that and GAMES and PEACE plans that don’t fit very well with what you’re supposed to remember. However, if you take it slow and read word to word, stopping to absorb and mentally practice what’s she’s saying, you’ll get it. This book is the exact opposite of a quick-fix, it takes years and multiple reading before everything really start to sink in. Becky stated that for her personally it took about five years before the processes and words felt natural and came to her mind without thinking hard first. I was discouraged initially and then thought, I could be the same crappy, ineffective parent I am now in five years or a better, happier version of myself in five years.
Here is an example of a personal situation to which I applied Becky’s teachings.
Marker Mayhem!
Danielle is coloring with markers at her kid sized table in our front room. Gabi comes up and tries (in normal toddler fashion) to grab the marker right out of Danielle's hands. Danielle shouts, “NO GABI THAT’S MIIINE!! MOOoooooOOMM, Gabi is trying to take my marker!!!”
Gabi starts stomping her feet and adds to the cacophony, “I neeeeed it! Give it to Gabi!”
Before reading this book (or on an off day today) I would have handled it one of two ways:
Tact 1. Go after Danielle because she's older and therefore less crazy.
Me: “Danielle, can you share your marker with Gabi?”
Danielle: “No! Noooo! I need it to finish my horse picture!” Predicting that I’m going to coerce her she digs in. “I don’t want her to use my markers!”
Me: I'm getting frustrated at this point and my brains becoming scrambled by all the ambient screaming: “Danielle, you need to learn to share! Gabi just wants to color with you! Why is that such a terrible thing?! Give her one of the other markers that you’re not using.”
Danielle: “NO, NOOOOO! I don’t want her to use my markers!!” “Gooo away GABI!” she practically spits out. Gabi ratchets her displeasure up a notch.
Me: Feeling desperate I say, “Gabi, lets you and me go read some books!”
Gabi: “No, no! Color! Markers! Maaaaarrrrrkers!"
Me: “Danielle, share with Gabi or the markers are mine.”
Danielle: “No!!!!”
I take all the markers and shove them in the box and put them up on top of the fridge.
Danielle: “Good, you take them, just so long as GABI doesn’t get to use them. FINE!”
Me: *Long angry rant about sharing and sisterly love and you should be so lucky to have so much and this is selfish behavior, etc, etc.*
Tact 2: Go after Gabi because she's the offender.
Me: “Gabi, you can’t snatch things from other people!” “Let go! Let gooo!” Pry her fingers off Danielle’s marker.
Danielle: “Yeah, Gabi don’t snatch!”
Gabi: “Maaaaaaarrrrker! I neeeeed it!”
Me: “Gabi, lets do something else. Do you want to read a book?”
Gabi: “No, maaaarrrrker!”
Me: “How about blocks? We can build a super cool tower!”
Gabi: “No, marker!”
Gabi runs back and grabs marker again. Then we start with tact 1.
Results of doing things “my” way:
I’m angry and disappointed, Danielle is angry with me and Gabi, and Gabi is melting down. I did all the work resolving the conflict and nobody is feeling good.
This is how it plays out when I use Becky’s methods:
I dash in and then squat down to be eye level with the girls. Danielle starts in reiterating the problem, “She’s trying to snatch my marker!!”
I look at both girls and say, “Hold on, lets calm down, we can figure this out. Gabi let go of the marker, I’ll help you.” I help release her fingers.
Gabi: “Maaarrrker, I need it!”
Me: “Gabi, you wanted to color with Danielle so you tried to take the marker.”
Gabi looks at me and calms down a little. Danielle tenses up, expecting me to try to coerce her, I reassure her, “Don’t worry I’m trying to teach you guys.” “Gabi, if you want to color with Sister, please ask, don’t take, taking can hurt Danielle’s feelings. Try asking now. Say, ‘Danielle can I have your marker?’”
Gabi: “Danielle, have marker?”
Danielle: “No! I’m using it! I need it to finish my horse picture.”
Me: “Say that to Gabi.”
She does, somewhat gentler, and Gabi starts to get upset again.
Me: “Danielle, try offering Gabi one of the other markers.”
Danielle: “Gabi, here you can use a different color.” (She really did this!) “But don’t color on my picture!”
Me: “Danielle can you show Gabi where to get paper?”
Danielle: “Gabi come with me, the paper is over here.” Feeling magnanimous, she gets Gabi about 50 sheets.
Gabi sits down and starts coloring, Danielle says, “Wow, Gabi I like your coloring.”
Result: We all learned something, our relationship is stronger and we are happy.
Instead of jumping in and solving the problem using my position of power, I taught them how to work through the conflict. Will they do this perfectly next time? Nope. Will they do it perfectly the next 50 times? Nope. But I see Danielle (5 years old) getting it more and more and trying out parts of it. She's much more relaxed when I come in to help with a conflict because she trusts me to guide her instead of coercing her. She has yet to put it all together, but heck she’s only 5! I don’t do it perfectly every time either, actually I mess up all the time. But, when I do make mistakes I’m kind to myself and remind myself that I’ll have lots of opportunities to practice and I’ll get it eventually. I particularly feel good that they’ll have these skills their whole life! Who has better odds of becoming a better baseball player, one who starts playing at 5 or someone who put a glove on her hand for the first time at 35?
My littler one, Gabi benefits from having clear firm boundaries and a Mom who knows how to enforce them without being angry or spontaneously permissive because she doesn’t have the will to fight on that particular day. With these tools, I know how to set and enforce boundaries in a loving way that teaches responsibility, self control and conflict resolution.
The principles of this book can be difficult to absorb as you’re learning them, however Becky provides many common real world examples that applies the teachings. At the end of the book she even provides a week by week schedule for practicing each particular skill.
I’m not a perfect parent, nor will I ever be, nor do I aspire to be. But I’m doing everything I can to give my girls the best chance at a happy life. In turn, I’m giving myself a happy life with my husband and the two coolest little kids I’ve ever met.
October 15, 2009
This book, as with all Becky Bailey books, is nothing but fluff and "feel good" psychology. Yes, let's love the children. Let's nurture them. Of course, that is what we should strive for. I'm not in disagreement with the basic premises. But what about the 4-year-old who calls his teacher a bitch? What about the 6-year-old who hurls a chair into the face of a peer? Becky Bailey does not provide one ounce of empirical support for any of her assertions. She invites organizations like Head Start to use her books and "rituals" and she holds elaborate conferences on her magical wisdom. Of course, it would cost an organization thousands of dollars to send employees to a conference or, alternatively, cost thousands more to have the great Ms. Bailey make an on-site visit. When you truly have a passion for enhancing the development of young children—a passion that primarily focuses on poverty-stricken groups, such as those found in Head Start—you don’t charge tens of thousands of dollars for consultation and conferences. You use research-based strategies—not feel good fluff—to support your claims. By all means, check out Becky Bailey if you deal solely with higher-SES children and families. But if you work with children who present a diverse range of learning and behavioral difficulties, you are unlikely to find any practical or realistic tips.
December 4, 2017
I haven’t read a lot of parenting books, but I’ve read a few and this is BY FAR the best. It is highly practical and applicable. I found it extremely useful and it has completely revolutionized the way I think about how to parent and how to discipline effectively. It’s taken me a long time to get through; I read it slowly, but I wanted everything to sink in. It is still sinking in. What Bailey teaches takes lots of practice because it requires a lot of intentionality and behavioral changes in *yourself* as much as your children. So good. Will be referring back to this book over and over and over again until it’s second nature. Highly recommend.
February 23, 2009
This is my mommy handbook! Bailey's ideas are so Christlike (and it's not a Christian/spiritual book). Her focus is on the parent learning to discipline him/herself, and you can then learn to model better behavior to your children. Excellent, excellent book!!!
October 19, 2012
I finished a few days ago what will be a life changing book in this house. The book called - Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky A. Bailey (also from the list of books I got from Soulemama.com) has to be one of the first parenting books dealing with disciplining that has spoken to me in such deep and profound ways.
Now, I also have to tell you, prior to this book I pretty much wrote off all parenting books (and yes, I did just write about a parenting book that I also thought was a good read - but that felt different because it wasn't a book about the day to day grind and trying to discipline your kids, ya know?). Anyway, I have read a few parenting books in my day, I have tried them out (after hearing other rave about them) and they have not worked for me, in my house, with my kids. And I had given up on all of them. Life, clearly was not that easy and I needed to forge my own path with my kids and do what felt right for us.
With my girls, that was easy. Probably too easy - and that should have been my clue. Don't have any more kids. Cause you can't get three easy kids, I had already used up the easy genes LOL! And so I walked around thinking I was a great parent. And then came my son. I often joke that I thought I was too good of a parent and God sent him to me to humble me.
And humble me he did. He threw tantrums I had only heard about before. He whined more than I thought one child was capable of doing. Once he had his mind on doing something, there was nothing you could do. Redirect? Ha! That was a joke. He gave up napping at 9 months old. He was my hardest to get to go to sleep without crying and whining. He has broken every. single. rule. Multiple times. He hits. He throws. He kicks. He takes. He grabs. He fights. He is a difficult child to say the least
Now, allow me for one moment to also tell you - he laughs more than other child I have known. He cuddles with me. He kisses. He hugs. He loves. He giggles. He reads with me. He idolizes his sisters. He worships his dad. And he loves me to pieces. I tell you this, because I feel it's only fair to show you both sides of him and not just the struggles we have had, because as much as he sometimes makes me want to run away screaming to not have to deal with another tantrum, he is at heart a kind and loving child. I just wish that side of him was the only one I have to deal with!
Anyway, back to the book. I started it. I admit at the beginning I laughed. I thought no way. This is too complicated. No one can do all of this! And this lady has really great ideas but they seem so impractical! But I kept reading (perhaps out of desperation) and it started to speak to me some more and then a little more. And a couple of days ago I needed to get my son to do something - and I knew it would turn into a power struggle, so I decided to give the ideas a whirl. And it worked. Just like that. It worked. My chin hit the floor and I was speechless. And we tried it again. And it worked. And then something else happened that made me try something else in the book. And it worked. And so we've been trying these ideas out with a lot of success.
This does mean he doesn't melt down. Or that I have stopped yelling. Because people, he's three. And so he's going to melt down. And I'm high strung and too easily upset. So when he doesn't listen I still yell. We are not perfect in this house, but you know what, it is helping. There is a bit more peace here. And I'm so grateful for that. Because most of my parenting energy went right to him and I always fear that someday my girls will say I spent all my time on him and they didn't get enough. This is getting better by the day though.
I've now devoured the entire book and it all clicked in my head. I get it all. I want to go back and reread it all. It's got a lot to it. And she says read it slowly to practice - I don't have that luxury - it's a library book. I do believe we will buy it though - it speaks that much to me. But it really does make sense and can I just say the author includes times where she hasn't done it so well and mistakes she has made, which I love. I hate reading books from people who say things like "this always works. And once you do this you'll always have great, grand times." And that irks me so much I can't read the book. Not so with this book. She mentions a couple times, kids are kids, and they will misbehave - even the most perfect child will misbehave. That's what kids do. And parents will make mistakes. Even the most perfect ones will. And I'm telling you, that right there is so helpful to read from an expert. And I really got the message that I needed to accept what was happening as it was and not wistfully wish for something else (mostly perfection and happy, well-behaved, polite, intelligent children at all times traipsing around life with a happy, calm, peaceful mother!).
Anyway, I'm now at the point where I wish I had read this book much sooner in life (although husband and I did discuss that even if I had read a year or two or more ago it might not have spoke to me then. Something interesting to ponder I think) and I believe in it. And I've been using some things with the girls too.
I know this is already long, but to give you an idea of the book and what she discusses, she constantly comes back to parents can't teach what they don't know. If you want your kids to be disciplined, you have to be disciplined, etc. etc. She talks about how time-outs and reasoning are used often as disciplining children but parents forget to teach the correct behavior. Her example of this is great and to sum it she says imagine you fill out a form at work. The boss calls you in his office and says, you have filled this form our wrong. Go to the lounge and think about your actions for 10 minutes and then you can come out again when you are done. So you go and think about it and come out. The next day you have to fill the form out again, you still don't know how to do it, so you get in trouble again. It really got me to think about the teaching part of discipline ... no, you have to say you filled it out wrong. Come here so I can show the correct way to fill this out. And even after being shown it once, you might need to be reminded of a few things a few more times. She also talks about choices. Because we parents are so good at giving choices. She also talks about real choices and fake choices. Apparently I've been using fake choices, as in "You may clean your toys or go sit in your room." See, that's a fake choice because one is clearly bad, so it's not really a choice. Who knew, this whole time I was giving fake choices. No, use real choices You may pick up your legos first or your books first. The child can't choose not to pick up, but does get a choice and a say in what he is doing. Brilliant (this is the one I've used the most so far because it's the easiest to incorporate in my opinion). She also talks about being vague - giving a command like be nice. That's vague. A toddler doens't know what that means, so be concrete.
Okay, if you've read this far - bless you. If you are struggling with getting kids to listen, to tame whining, to make your house more peaceful, I so completely recommend this book. But, I also recommend you get it from the library or borrow it from someone. Because as much as this book spoke to me, it might not speak to you (cause I've been there too!). But, I hope and pray if you are struggling with these issues, that this book does speak to you, because then reading it and beginning to use it will help your day run more smoothly I believe!
Now, I also have to tell you, prior to this book I pretty much wrote off all parenting books (and yes, I did just write about a parenting book that I also thought was a good read - but that felt different because it wasn't a book about the day to day grind and trying to discipline your kids, ya know?). Anyway, I have read a few parenting books in my day, I have tried them out (after hearing other rave about them) and they have not worked for me, in my house, with my kids. And I had given up on all of them. Life, clearly was not that easy and I needed to forge my own path with my kids and do what felt right for us.
With my girls, that was easy. Probably too easy - and that should have been my clue. Don't have any more kids. Cause you can't get three easy kids, I had already used up the easy genes LOL! And so I walked around thinking I was a great parent. And then came my son. I often joke that I thought I was too good of a parent and God sent him to me to humble me.
And humble me he did. He threw tantrums I had only heard about before. He whined more than I thought one child was capable of doing. Once he had his mind on doing something, there was nothing you could do. Redirect? Ha! That was a joke. He gave up napping at 9 months old. He was my hardest to get to go to sleep without crying and whining. He has broken every. single. rule. Multiple times. He hits. He throws. He kicks. He takes. He grabs. He fights. He is a difficult child to say the least
Now, allow me for one moment to also tell you - he laughs more than other child I have known. He cuddles with me. He kisses. He hugs. He loves. He giggles. He reads with me. He idolizes his sisters. He worships his dad. And he loves me to pieces. I tell you this, because I feel it's only fair to show you both sides of him and not just the struggles we have had, because as much as he sometimes makes me want to run away screaming to not have to deal with another tantrum, he is at heart a kind and loving child. I just wish that side of him was the only one I have to deal with!
Anyway, back to the book. I started it. I admit at the beginning I laughed. I thought no way. This is too complicated. No one can do all of this! And this lady has really great ideas but they seem so impractical! But I kept reading (perhaps out of desperation) and it started to speak to me some more and then a little more. And a couple of days ago I needed to get my son to do something - and I knew it would turn into a power struggle, so I decided to give the ideas a whirl. And it worked. Just like that. It worked. My chin hit the floor and I was speechless. And we tried it again. And it worked. And then something else happened that made me try something else in the book. And it worked. And so we've been trying these ideas out with a lot of success.
This does mean he doesn't melt down. Or that I have stopped yelling. Because people, he's three. And so he's going to melt down. And I'm high strung and too easily upset. So when he doesn't listen I still yell. We are not perfect in this house, but you know what, it is helping. There is a bit more peace here. And I'm so grateful for that. Because most of my parenting energy went right to him and I always fear that someday my girls will say I spent all my time on him and they didn't get enough. This is getting better by the day though.
I've now devoured the entire book and it all clicked in my head. I get it all. I want to go back and reread it all. It's got a lot to it. And she says read it slowly to practice - I don't have that luxury - it's a library book. I do believe we will buy it though - it speaks that much to me. But it really does make sense and can I just say the author includes times where she hasn't done it so well and mistakes she has made, which I love. I hate reading books from people who say things like "this always works. And once you do this you'll always have great, grand times." And that irks me so much I can't read the book. Not so with this book. She mentions a couple times, kids are kids, and they will misbehave - even the most perfect child will misbehave. That's what kids do. And parents will make mistakes. Even the most perfect ones will. And I'm telling you, that right there is so helpful to read from an expert. And I really got the message that I needed to accept what was happening as it was and not wistfully wish for something else (mostly perfection and happy, well-behaved, polite, intelligent children at all times traipsing around life with a happy, calm, peaceful mother!).
Anyway, I'm now at the point where I wish I had read this book much sooner in life (although husband and I did discuss that even if I had read a year or two or more ago it might not have spoke to me then. Something interesting to ponder I think) and I believe in it. And I've been using some things with the girls too.
I know this is already long, but to give you an idea of the book and what she discusses, she constantly comes back to parents can't teach what they don't know. If you want your kids to be disciplined, you have to be disciplined, etc. etc. She talks about how time-outs and reasoning are used often as disciplining children but parents forget to teach the correct behavior. Her example of this is great and to sum it she says imagine you fill out a form at work. The boss calls you in his office and says, you have filled this form our wrong. Go to the lounge and think about your actions for 10 minutes and then you can come out again when you are done. So you go and think about it and come out. The next day you have to fill the form out again, you still don't know how to do it, so you get in trouble again. It really got me to think about the teaching part of discipline ... no, you have to say you filled it out wrong. Come here so I can show the correct way to fill this out. And even after being shown it once, you might need to be reminded of a few things a few more times. She also talks about choices. Because we parents are so good at giving choices. She also talks about real choices and fake choices. Apparently I've been using fake choices, as in "You may clean your toys or go sit in your room." See, that's a fake choice because one is clearly bad, so it's not really a choice. Who knew, this whole time I was giving fake choices. No, use real choices You may pick up your legos first or your books first. The child can't choose not to pick up, but does get a choice and a say in what he is doing. Brilliant (this is the one I've used the most so far because it's the easiest to incorporate in my opinion). She also talks about being vague - giving a command like be nice. That's vague. A toddler doens't know what that means, so be concrete.
Okay, if you've read this far - bless you. If you are struggling with getting kids to listen, to tame whining, to make your house more peaceful, I so completely recommend this book. But, I also recommend you get it from the library or borrow it from someone. Because as much as this book spoke to me, it might not speak to you (cause I've been there too!). But, I hope and pray if you are struggling with these issues, that this book does speak to you, because then reading it and beginning to use it will help your day run more smoothly I believe!
June 16, 2017
I had a very specific purpose in reading this book. Of my six children, one in particular is quite a challenge. Just by the title, I thought it might be a good fit, and the reviews I read seemed very favorable.
Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation
(2000, William Morrow) by Becky A. Bailey has given me a fresh perspective, which is a bit of a feat. I’ve heard everything, tried everything, etc. As a deaf education major in college, my master’s project was to write a review on all the research I could find about discipline in the classroom. I taught middle and high school for three years before becoming a stay at home mom, and have racked up fourteen years of experience as a mother (and a foster mother). And yet, this one child continues to stump me.
Rating: 5 stars
Christian elements: This isn’t a Christian book. However, I felt that the author does occasionally show respect for a variety of religions without promoting one over the other. Here’s an example:
“If your best efforts still do not resolve the conflict, I suggest you step back from the event entirely. Breathe deeply, bow your head, and say, ‘Thank you for all the teaching opportunities I have had today.’ Having observed this moment of reverence, …”
Ideas and quotes: I’ll list a few things, particularly those that I found in the beginning of the book.
*”Your job as a parent is to strengthen, not break, your child’s will. That will has a vital role to play in ensuring his safety and the fulfillment of his potential… His will can give him the strength to choose healthy foods…. It can empower him to refuse dangerous drugs and peers… Your child’s will can only serve him if it is left strong and whole, not if it is weak or broken.”
*”Misbehavior actually serves many wonderful purposes in your child’s development. It would be misguided to try to stop misbehavior. Your goal is better framed as preventing the likelihood of misbehavior being repeated and becoming habitual. You can do this by responding to misbehavior wisely when it happens.”
*The author explains that we (parents, etc.) need to “become the person I wanted children to be… In order to do this, I needed to develop self-control.” (My pastor prefers the term “control of self” to indicate that we want to accept God’s guidance in reigning in our own ungodly behavior rather than being controlled by our own desires. We are in self-control when we throw a tantrum, he would say!) The author lists “the seven powers for self-control,” my favorite of which is “The power of perception: No one can make you angry without your permission.”
*“Every conflict presents you with a choice. You can choose to view conflict as an opportunity to teach or as an opportunity to blame and punish.”
*“When you have been treated with disrespect, you need to respond assertively. If you respond aggressively, you are simply treating your child with disrespect while trying to teach respect.”
What I liked:
There is so much more in this book. I will just add that I was very gratified to see that this book did NOT advocate rewards. I’ve long felt that rewards are for recognizing especially hard work or for the accomplishment of a long-term goal. And if you think about it, it gets particularly sticky when dealing with a whole house full of children. (Why does ___ get a lollipop for finishing homework?)
The last chapter is a summary/refresher course along with specific suggestions about when, how, and in what sequence to start implementing Ms. Bailey’s ideas. This is great, as there’s so much to remember.
What I didn’t like:
My life as a mother isn’t magically fixed. Bummer. However, the book delivered far more than I expected. At times, I am not sure how to apply the concepts taught (or don’t remember to do so), so I’m planning to occasionally browse the areas I marked. Maybe make myself a cheat sheet… I should probably do it before my next book review, as starting next Friday, I will have all six kids home for the summer Don’t get me wrong - I love them. But chaos will ensue. Opportunities for conflict multiply. Hello, summer!
***********
The bottom line: This book is great to give a parent (or other authority figure) a fresh outlook on discipline. I may try Managing Emotional Mayhem.
Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation
(2000, William Morrow) by Becky A. Bailey has given me a fresh perspective, which is a bit of a feat. I’ve heard everything, tried everything, etc. As a deaf education major in college, my master’s project was to write a review on all the research I could find about discipline in the classroom. I taught middle and high school for three years before becoming a stay at home mom, and have racked up fourteen years of experience as a mother (and a foster mother). And yet, this one child continues to stump me.
Rating: 5 stars
Christian elements: This isn’t a Christian book. However, I felt that the author does occasionally show respect for a variety of religions without promoting one over the other. Here’s an example:
“If your best efforts still do not resolve the conflict, I suggest you step back from the event entirely. Breathe deeply, bow your head, and say, ‘Thank you for all the teaching opportunities I have had today.’ Having observed this moment of reverence, …”
Ideas and quotes: I’ll list a few things, particularly those that I found in the beginning of the book.
*”Your job as a parent is to strengthen, not break, your child’s will. That will has a vital role to play in ensuring his safety and the fulfillment of his potential… His will can give him the strength to choose healthy foods…. It can empower him to refuse dangerous drugs and peers… Your child’s will can only serve him if it is left strong and whole, not if it is weak or broken.”
*”Misbehavior actually serves many wonderful purposes in your child’s development. It would be misguided to try to stop misbehavior. Your goal is better framed as preventing the likelihood of misbehavior being repeated and becoming habitual. You can do this by responding to misbehavior wisely when it happens.”
*The author explains that we (parents, etc.) need to “become the person I wanted children to be… In order to do this, I needed to develop self-control.” (My pastor prefers the term “control of self” to indicate that we want to accept God’s guidance in reigning in our own ungodly behavior rather than being controlled by our own desires. We are in self-control when we throw a tantrum, he would say!) The author lists “the seven powers for self-control,” my favorite of which is “The power of perception: No one can make you angry without your permission.”
*“Every conflict presents you with a choice. You can choose to view conflict as an opportunity to teach or as an opportunity to blame and punish.”
*“When you have been treated with disrespect, you need to respond assertively. If you respond aggressively, you are simply treating your child with disrespect while trying to teach respect.”
What I liked:
There is so much more in this book. I will just add that I was very gratified to see that this book did NOT advocate rewards. I’ve long felt that rewards are for recognizing especially hard work or for the accomplishment of a long-term goal. And if you think about it, it gets particularly sticky when dealing with a whole house full of children. (Why does ___ get a lollipop for finishing homework?)
The last chapter is a summary/refresher course along with specific suggestions about when, how, and in what sequence to start implementing Ms. Bailey’s ideas. This is great, as there’s so much to remember.
What I didn’t like:
My life as a mother isn’t magically fixed. Bummer. However, the book delivered far more than I expected. At times, I am not sure how to apply the concepts taught (or don’t remember to do so), so I’m planning to occasionally browse the areas I marked. Maybe make myself a cheat sheet… I should probably do it before my next book review, as starting next Friday, I will have all six kids home for the summer Don’t get me wrong - I love them. But chaos will ensue. Opportunities for conflict multiply. Hello, summer!
***********
The bottom line: This book is great to give a parent (or other authority figure) a fresh outlook on discipline. I may try Managing Emotional Mayhem.
April 29, 2013
I LOVE THIS BOOK!
But there is good news and bad news.
The good news is, these techniques WORK. They truly do. I love that the author explains the development of a child's brain and why they need to be disciplined (or trained, or guided, whichever word you prefer) in a certain way. As a Christian, I love that my belief in the controversial theology that children are innocent and innately good is supported in this book. That is perhaps the most encouraging thing for me as a mother. My children are good people and their behavior is normal.
When I am using these techniques as opposed to a punishment and rewards system, my 3 year old is much better behaved, and the amazing part is, he is kinder and sweeter to his 18-month-old sister. He actually takes from my guidance, and uses my words to relate to her. When I'm consistently reminding him and showing him the words to speak gently, rather than snapping at him with a general remark to "be nice" or "don't yell at your sister," his behavior changes almost instantly.
The bad news is, when you are a busy parent of more than one child, implementing this parenting style all the time is pretty much impossible. Sometimes you just need your kid to quit whining about the shoes you've given him to wear for the day and can't really take ten minutes to sit on the floor with him and empathize.
That being said, you take what you can, and work with the situation at hand, do the best you can, and don't feel guilty about the rest. I don't hand out five-star reviews often, but this book is deserving.
But there is good news and bad news.
The good news is, these techniques WORK. They truly do. I love that the author explains the development of a child's brain and why they need to be disciplined (or trained, or guided, whichever word you prefer) in a certain way. As a Christian, I love that my belief in the controversial theology that children are innocent and innately good is supported in this book. That is perhaps the most encouraging thing for me as a mother. My children are good people and their behavior is normal.
When I am using these techniques as opposed to a punishment and rewards system, my 3 year old is much better behaved, and the amazing part is, he is kinder and sweeter to his 18-month-old sister. He actually takes from my guidance, and uses my words to relate to her. When I'm consistently reminding him and showing him the words to speak gently, rather than snapping at him with a general remark to "be nice" or "don't yell at your sister," his behavior changes almost instantly.
The bad news is, when you are a busy parent of more than one child, implementing this parenting style all the time is pretty much impossible. Sometimes you just need your kid to quit whining about the shoes you've given him to wear for the day and can't really take ten minutes to sit on the floor with him and empathize.
That being said, you take what you can, and work with the situation at hand, do the best you can, and don't feel guilty about the rest. I don't hand out five-star reviews often, but this book is deserving.
July 21, 2017
I had to buy my own copy of this book after I got it out of the library years ago, in part because it was so helpful and in part because I felt the need to highlight so much of it in bright yellow as a reminder to myself. :)
This book is about changing our own outlooks and learning to change the way we react to stress with our children. It is not light reading, since it is so full of deep thoughts, lessons, ideas, plans and things to think about. There is a lot of very helpful stuff in here that can help change the way you think about your children and give you much more peace, plus it's designed to help you learn discipline for your own life and pass that on to your kids. I've read a ton of parenting books, especially attachment parenting ones, and out of all of them this is probably the one I got the most out of.
This book is about changing our own outlooks and learning to change the way we react to stress with our children. It is not light reading, since it is so full of deep thoughts, lessons, ideas, plans and things to think about. There is a lot of very helpful stuff in here that can help change the way you think about your children and give you much more peace, plus it's designed to help you learn discipline for your own life and pass that on to your kids. I've read a ton of parenting books, especially attachment parenting ones, and out of all of them this is probably the one I got the most out of.
September 3, 2019
3.5 stars
Some good suggestions that could help any family. I really appreciated the suggestions concerning how to interpret children’s behavior. Three recommendations that I have started using are to focus on the behavior you want, view each conflict as a learning opportunity, and make positive attributions for children’s behavior.
However, there was not nearly enough research cited. Also, there were many times that I found myself asking “yes but what if that doesn’t work and the kid keeps hitting/crying/etc?” She often just assumed her suggestions would solve the problematic behavior and moved on.
Overall, I am glad I read it.
Some good suggestions that could help any family. I really appreciated the suggestions concerning how to interpret children’s behavior. Three recommendations that I have started using are to focus on the behavior you want, view each conflict as a learning opportunity, and make positive attributions for children’s behavior.
However, there was not nearly enough research cited. Also, there were many times that I found myself asking “yes but what if that doesn’t work and the kid keeps hitting/crying/etc?” She often just assumed her suggestions would solve the problematic behavior and moved on.
Overall, I am glad I read it.
November 7, 2013
It has been a while I did not read any parenting books at all. I used to read it a lot when my daughter was in pre-school age. And I relax a lot more when she entered formal education, things were quite manageable. I remember somewhere, when they hit the age of 9, things change again, they are entering the period of teenage life, it is going to be a different game all together. I think I can feel it, it is no longer as easy as before to deal with my daughter who is going to be 10 years old next year. So that probably the reason I pick up parenting book again. Honestly after reading more than 50 parenting books, all of them sound very similar. Parenting is not about giving order, but walk the talk. our kids are the reflection of us ... simple as that. The same as what it said in this book, before we discipline our kids, we discipline our-self first.
This book introduced the concept of 7 power of self control that help us as parents to model the behavior to the children. 7 basic disciplines that help children to manage sticky situation and 7 value of living such as integrity, respect, compassion, responsibility etc.
the 7 power of self control are : The power of perception, no one can make us angry without our permission. The power of attention, what we focus on, we get more of. The power of Free Will, the only person we can make change is ourselves. The power of unity, focus on connecting instead of trying to be special. The power of love, see the best in one another. The power of acceptance, this moment is at it is. The power of Intention, conflict is an opportunity to teach.
From these 7 powers of self control, we eventually will produce 7 basic discipline skills that we can always use constructively to respond any difficult moment or situation. By Doing these we eventually create a home that models the 7 values of living. This will happen automatically. As parent change their attitudes and behaviors, so will their children.
Now, the 7 basic discipline skills are Composure, living the values we want our child to develop. This teaches integrity. Encouragement, Honoring children so they will honor us. This teaches interdependence. Assertiveness, saying no and being heard. This teaches respect. Choices, Building self-esteem and willpower. This teaches commitment. Positive Intent, turning resistance into corporation, this teaches cooperation. Empathy, handling the fusing and the fits, this teaches compassion. and lastly Consequences, helping children learn from their mistakes. this teaches responsibility.
In all ... this is a good book to read after few years out from parenting book. I am glad I picked up this book. It is a good reminder once again, what is PARENTING ALL ABOUT. cheers all.
This book introduced the concept of 7 power of self control that help us as parents to model the behavior to the children. 7 basic disciplines that help children to manage sticky situation and 7 value of living such as integrity, respect, compassion, responsibility etc.
the 7 power of self control are : The power of perception, no one can make us angry without our permission. The power of attention, what we focus on, we get more of. The power of Free Will, the only person we can make change is ourselves. The power of unity, focus on connecting instead of trying to be special. The power of love, see the best in one another. The power of acceptance, this moment is at it is. The power of Intention, conflict is an opportunity to teach.
From these 7 powers of self control, we eventually will produce 7 basic discipline skills that we can always use constructively to respond any difficult moment or situation. By Doing these we eventually create a home that models the 7 values of living. This will happen automatically. As parent change their attitudes and behaviors, so will their children.
Now, the 7 basic discipline skills are Composure, living the values we want our child to develop. This teaches integrity. Encouragement, Honoring children so they will honor us. This teaches interdependence. Assertiveness, saying no and being heard. This teaches respect. Choices, Building self-esteem and willpower. This teaches commitment. Positive Intent, turning resistance into corporation, this teaches cooperation. Empathy, handling the fusing and the fits, this teaches compassion. and lastly Consequences, helping children learn from their mistakes. this teaches responsibility.
In all ... this is a good book to read after few years out from parenting book. I am glad I picked up this book. It is a good reminder once again, what is PARENTING ALL ABOUT. cheers all.
July 27, 2018
I opened the book sort of skeptically and not feeling especially needful of any tips on disciplining...I can hold the line, no problem. 😬 But it ended up being thought provoking and really got me in the heart a few times.
Some key ideas I want to remember:
⭐️ When I say or think, "This makes me so frustrated," or, "You made me angry," type statements, I give the power over my emotions to that situation or person. Instead, I should say, "I am frustrated/angry/whatever...and that's all right."
⭐️ Give two positive choices...not "Pick up your Legos or I will put them up for a week," but, "It's time to pick up Legos. Would you like to put them in this basket or this box?"
⭐️ Wish people well silently while in public places and notice how this changes my attitude toward them.
⭐️ This script helps in teaching skills rather than just dealing with misbehavior: "You wanted the red crayon. You may not hit. It hurts. When you want the red crayon, say, "May I have that when you're done?" And now practice. For the one who was hit: say, "I don't like that. Stop."
⭐️ If I grab their arm or speak in anger, the teachable moment is gone and they will remember the anger. There will be times I have to physically move or restrain them, but in order to teach, I must be firm but gentle.
⭐️ To help children learn from consequences: 1. Give guidance about possible outcomes. (Walk around the pool. It's slippery.) 2. Allow the child to experience the consequences. (Don't yell WALK whenever your child breaks into a trot.) 3. Be quiet and self-controlled. 4. Offer empathy when the child makes a poor choice. (Sincerely mention that the bloody knees must hurt.) 5. Guide the child to reflect on new strategies (What will you do differently next time and how will you remember this?)
Some key ideas I want to remember:
⭐️ When I say or think, "This makes me so frustrated," or, "You made me angry," type statements, I give the power over my emotions to that situation or person. Instead, I should say, "I am frustrated/angry/whatever...and that's all right."
⭐️ Give two positive choices...not "Pick up your Legos or I will put them up for a week," but, "It's time to pick up Legos. Would you like to put them in this basket or this box?"
⭐️ Wish people well silently while in public places and notice how this changes my attitude toward them.
⭐️ This script helps in teaching skills rather than just dealing with misbehavior: "You wanted the red crayon. You may not hit. It hurts. When you want the red crayon, say, "May I have that when you're done?" And now practice. For the one who was hit: say, "I don't like that. Stop."
⭐️ If I grab their arm or speak in anger, the teachable moment is gone and they will remember the anger. There will be times I have to physically move or restrain them, but in order to teach, I must be firm but gentle.
⭐️ To help children learn from consequences: 1. Give guidance about possible outcomes. (Walk around the pool. It's slippery.) 2. Allow the child to experience the consequences. (Don't yell WALK whenever your child breaks into a trot.) 3. Be quiet and self-controlled. 4. Offer empathy when the child makes a poor choice. (Sincerely mention that the bloody knees must hurt.) 5. Guide the child to reflect on new strategies (What will you do differently next time and how will you remember this?)
March 28, 2018
This book is life changing, and no, I’m not exaggerating. I feel that every parent should read this book. The book is not about controlling your children, or eliminating conflict. The book is about YOU as a parent. It teaches you to have self-control. That is its main focus. You must be able to have control over your own emotions in order to teach your children. That is exactly what I needed. As I have been working to utilize the Seven Powers of Self-Control, I have a seen a dramatic difference in my life. And I’m not even that good at using them yet! Once you have greater control over yourself, you are able to see conflict as an opportunity to teach your child, instead of control or punish them. The book also focuses on helping your children become assertive and capable of solving problems, which are the kind of children I want to raise. The book teaches you how to be guided by love in your parenting, and how to influence your children through love instead of fear. I highly recommend this book to every parent, teacher, daycare employee, primary teacher, or anyone else who spends time around children. I also highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to have better control over their emotions (this book coupled with Emotional Intelligence 2.0 would be perfect). I love love love this book. Read it!
December 12, 2009
I tend toward perfectionism and pessimism... generally, not a healthy or happy combo. Since reading Learned Optimism in nine years ago, I've made great progress in changing my thought process toward faith, hope and optimism. Bailey centers on many of the same positive psychology principles, so a lot of what she had to say wasn't new to me. However, she gave me several new concrete ways (attribute positive intent, disobedience is not disrespect, and focus on what you want, just to name a few) to apply optimism in life and parenting.
It also makes sense that you cannot teach your children what you don't know. I'd never thought it about it before, but why should I expect my child to do what I have not mastered? Eating healthy is a good example. ;-)
Bailey occasionally sends a "if you do X, you have ruined your child" message, but those paragraphs, though extremely off-putting, are actually few in number compared to the prevailing "don't beat yourself up" attitude. She also encourages you to take what works for you and leave the rest.
I realize she isn't a mother herself, but I've found her advice helpful thus far. As I've tried to apply the concepts taught, I have been happier and more secure in my parenting (especially during my daughter's two-year old moments).
It also makes sense that you cannot teach your children what you don't know. I'd never thought it about it before, but why should I expect my child to do what I have not mastered? Eating healthy is a good example. ;-)
Bailey occasionally sends a "if you do X, you have ruined your child" message, but those paragraphs, though extremely off-putting, are actually few in number compared to the prevailing "don't beat yourself up" attitude. She also encourages you to take what works for you and leave the rest.
I realize she isn't a mother herself, but I've found her advice helpful thus far. As I've tried to apply the concepts taught, I have been happier and more secure in my parenting (especially during my daughter's two-year old moments).
October 17, 2017
There is a lot in this book I will never remember (lots of rules in sets of seven for some reason), including a seven-week plan that I will never complete. Fortunately, there is a LOT of good in here too. It was really eye-opening to read about the differences between passive, aggressive and assertive and how as adults we typically fall into one category and that makes all the difference in how our kids respond to us. I also have been practicing attributing positive intent to everything my kids do. It's much harder than it seems, but truly does make a difference. I'm not sure I quite agree with the author's take on rewards/punishments and the use of thank you and please, but it's definitely food for thought. I've been on a kick of parenting books as of late and this is a stand-out for sure and one I'll likely come back to.
August 2, 2011
This was the first book I've read on Positive Discipline. I rolled my eyes a lot at all the self-help language. And I felt ridiculous when trying out positive, empathic phrases on my kids (and afterwards realizing that I still got it wrong and ended up bribing or threatening a time out or something). But then I could see my son react well even to my stupid phrasings, and I feel like we're better understanding each other. Not that his behavior has radically changed, but there's something good happening here, I'm sure of it. I'm going to read Dr. Sears' book, "The Discipline Book" (also a positive discipline book) and hopefully it won't sound like an infomercial the way this one often does.
August 18, 2014
A really well-stated book, Dr. Bailey has distilled her suggestions into seven skills that turn children constantly in conflict into more cooperative individuals. The concepts seem easy at first until you try to implement them, and realize how much negativity we hand each other every day in commonly-used language. I find myself questioning how I say things now, wondering if I couldn't have said them better, with more optimism. I m tutoring a four-year-old Difficult Child: this book, together with Dr. Turecki's THE DIFFICULT CHILD and Faber and Mazlish's HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN & LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK, are forming a platform with which I can approach both the parents and the child, both on a teaching level as well as a psychological one.
March 15, 2016
I am not in the practice of giving unsolicited parenting advice, but if I did it would be for every parent to read this book. It's very challenging because it focuses on first identifying and changing your own behaviors. Then it focuses on the ways to positively help your child. Sometimes that help is letting them experience the natural consequence of their actions. It focuses a lot in developmental stages and how many of the behaviors children exhibit and that we see as negative are absolutely part of their development. If parents aren't afraid of coming at things from a new and different angle and are ready to be assertive without being overly passive or overly aggressive then this is a great book to start you on your journey.
July 22, 2019
I listened to this because a couple people whose parenting I respect and admire mentioned that this book was a helpful resource for them. It is not written from a Christian perspective, so the worldview doesn't align perfectly (some reviewers mentioned that this is Christlike parenting and while I agree on some points, she does have some unChristian beliefs, like the belief that children are inherently good), but I appreciated some of the helpful "scripts" she suggested for various interactions and the mindset shifts she suggested for going into potentially tense parenting moments.
February 28, 2008
I found this book very helpful in dealing with my son's misbehavior -- realizing that misbehavior (and especially repeated misbehavior) is a part of development, and helping me to think about my reaction to it. The hard part is keeping it in mind in the heat of the moment! The book is written like a self-help/business type book (think the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People), but once I got past the slightly annoying format I found that the content was really great.
February 8, 2017
This book has the potential to change the lives of you and your children for the better!! It is not a quick fix though so I have yet to see if I can carry out everything she teaches in this book. It will be a journey of developing self-control and conscious parenting at all times. This book is for people who are open to working on themselves and changing the way they live, model and parent. It is not a "techniques to make your child do what you want" type of book.
May 12, 2021
Good. It gives both practical and theoretical ideas for relating to your kids. I also love how she ties in our own discipline and emotional stability as parents with that of our kids. If you don't have it, you can't teach it. So true.
February 17, 2022
I really appreciated the content in this book, but it was poorly written. Her mnemonics and “7 steps” are terrible, but the ideas surrounding them are useful. Skip to the last chapter that summarizes all the teachings, and that’s all you need. For a deeper dive on these principles read No Drama Discipline instead. It’s better written and more research based. A few takeaways:
-You can’t teach something you don’t practice. Learn self-mastery first and you’ll be a better parent
-Conflict is an indicator of growth trying to happen. View conflict as opportunities to teach
-What I focus on I get more of
-Assume positive intent
-You can’t teach something you don’t practice. Learn self-mastery first and you’ll be a better parent
-Conflict is an indicator of growth trying to happen. View conflict as opportunities to teach
-What I focus on I get more of
-Assume positive intent
August 25, 2025
This is my top recommendation for a parenting book! It shows how to combine loving behaviors with guiding behaviors to truly reach our kids in a way that works. Instead of punishing what we don’t want, it encourages us to teach and guide toward what we do want, giving our children the skills to succeed.
But the heart of the book is this: discipline is for everyone, especially parents. We can’t teach what we don’t practice ourselves. First and foremost, we must grow into the kind of people we want our kids to become.
An excellent book and it actually works! Been using these strategies for the last 12 years and reread the book to refresh. Got even more out of it than the first time!
But the heart of the book is this: discipline is for everyone, especially parents. We can’t teach what we don’t practice ourselves. First and foremost, we must grow into the kind of people we want our kids to become.
An excellent book and it actually works! Been using these strategies for the last 12 years and reread the book to refresh. Got even more out of it than the first time!
August 11, 2019
I’m taking away some good little nuggets of advice from this one. The strategies presented in this book seemed like the perfect blend of Love and Logic and Cognitive Coaching...both of which I’ve been trained in as an educator. I chose this book primarily to help me with my own strong-willed children at home, but the strategies could definitely be applied in my classroom as well. I do kind of wish I would have read a physical copy of it instead of listening to the audio because I’m afraid I won’t retain the information as well.
January 14, 2024
I read this book because the mama I’m nannying for uses it as kinda a foundation for her parenting style. This book is teeming with insight into the behavior of children and how to get children to choose cooperation (not forcing). The author is obviously very knowledgeable and I hope to use the knowledge I’ve gained through this book while I’m working with my kiddos now and later down the road. It also had some great points about self-compassion and self-regulation that are great for every adult/parent/caregiver.
September 29, 2020
I listened to this on audiobook, and I liked it so much, I might buy the hard copy to mark up and save as a reference. Numerous practical tips on how to connect with your child to promote cooperation and connection. I appreciated that it spoke to the young child age, rather than just older, because that's my life right now.
(You're welcome, Michelle.)
(You're welcome, Michelle.)
December 4, 2020
Has great _concrete_ advice you can use to address the _why_ of parenting behavior, not just the _how_ and _what_. It is great at offering up a mirror to let you examine how your parenting choices are an extension of you, and how changing yourself can change your children.
February 23, 2024
This book is a one stop shop for summing up the gentle parenting method, providing practical tools, and going over the development stages and expectations of children. Extremely helpful and thorough, I highly recommend it.
April 19, 2019
I first learned of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky A. Bailey, Ph.D. from a friend who shares the same parenting ideals as I do. She talked about it sounding like a good book based on Ms. Bailey's website: http://www.beckybailey.com/ The website has many good ideas and basics to help a parent when disciplining. (And if going out and buying this book doesn't sound like something you want to do, running over to the tips section of the website should help you out and give you some idea if this is for you.) After she picked up the book and started reading it and proclaiming how wonderful it is, I decided to get a copy for myself. I have not been disappointed.
The chapters are entitled: 1. From Willful to Willing, 2. The Seven Powers for Self-Control, 3. The Seven Basic Discipline Skills, 4. Assertiveness: Saying No and Being Heard, 5. Choices: Building Self-Esteem and Willpower, 6. Encouragement: Honoring Your Children so They Can Honor You, 7. Positive Intent: Turning Resistance into Cooperation, 8. Empathy: Handling the Fussing and the Fits, 9. Consequences: Helping Children Learn from their Mistakes, 10. Why Children Do What They Do: The Development of Misbehavior, 11. Loving Guidance in Action: Solving the Top Discipline Problems, 12. The Loving Guidance Program: Change Your Life in Seven Weeks, Epilogue, The "What-ifs" Page, References, and Index.
The introduction spends its time exploring why this method of discipline is important and needed. Her writing is concise and easy to follow. Important points are highlighted out of the text by bold print and separation lines. She gives an overview of the entire book in a few short sub-sections. She says it concisely when she says, "Discipline is a lifelong journey, not a technique." With the suggestions in this book, your life will be changed by how you live it and teach it.
The basic premise of her second chapter is that you must first have self-control before you can discipline your child or teach your child discipline. Self-control is the heart of discipline. Some people learned self-control as a child, other learned to fake it, and still others never learned the concept. This book is for everyone, although the second and third groups will get more out of the second chapter. In case you are curious, the seven powers for self-control are the powers of 1. attention 2. love 3. acceptance 4. perception 5. intention 6 free will and 7. unity. Starting in this chapter and in each chapter, there are very short, easy exercises to work though.
The third chapter deals with the seven basic discipline skills, which are 1. composure 2. assertiveness 3. making choices 4. encouragement 5. attributing positive intent 6. empathy 7. consequences. Ms. Bailey states that all these skills can be used in fear-based discipline and most often are, but that they can easily be used in love-based discipline and will be much more effective.
Chapters four through nine delve into each skill further, describing what it truly means to use this skill in love, giving examples of how to use the skills and phrases that may help. Each chapter ends with "There's No Time Like the Present!" describing what you can do now to implement that skill.
Chapter 10 describes what sort of misbehavior you can expect at certain developmental stages. The idea is that children are testing certain things at these stages and so what they do when they misbehave is fairly predictable. For instance, a preschooler often tells parents things that sound like lies, that are often embellishments of wishful thinking. These help them develop and deal with the idea of power and control, a central issue at this time in their life and development.
The eleventh chapter deals with common discipline encounters and how to solve them using the seven basic skills in love. The final chapter has a seven week program for implementing these skills and changing your children's life and your own!
I must admit, I'm still somewhere in chapter 10. I've been reading the book for two months. I've been reading it at an unusually slow pace so that I can absorb everything and work on implementing those skills. But our lives have changed. I am looking forward to finishing the book and implementing the program to help me.
You can learn new skills as an adult, but it is easier as a child. I would rather my child learned to live out of love than fear with inner discipline. Everything we do teaches our child something. Is it what we want them to learn?
The chapters are entitled: 1. From Willful to Willing, 2. The Seven Powers for Self-Control, 3. The Seven Basic Discipline Skills, 4. Assertiveness: Saying No and Being Heard, 5. Choices: Building Self-Esteem and Willpower, 6. Encouragement: Honoring Your Children so They Can Honor You, 7. Positive Intent: Turning Resistance into Cooperation, 8. Empathy: Handling the Fussing and the Fits, 9. Consequences: Helping Children Learn from their Mistakes, 10. Why Children Do What They Do: The Development of Misbehavior, 11. Loving Guidance in Action: Solving the Top Discipline Problems, 12. The Loving Guidance Program: Change Your Life in Seven Weeks, Epilogue, The "What-ifs" Page, References, and Index.
The introduction spends its time exploring why this method of discipline is important and needed. Her writing is concise and easy to follow. Important points are highlighted out of the text by bold print and separation lines. She gives an overview of the entire book in a few short sub-sections. She says it concisely when she says, "Discipline is a lifelong journey, not a technique." With the suggestions in this book, your life will be changed by how you live it and teach it.
The basic premise of her second chapter is that you must first have self-control before you can discipline your child or teach your child discipline. Self-control is the heart of discipline. Some people learned self-control as a child, other learned to fake it, and still others never learned the concept. This book is for everyone, although the second and third groups will get more out of the second chapter. In case you are curious, the seven powers for self-control are the powers of 1. attention 2. love 3. acceptance 4. perception 5. intention 6 free will and 7. unity. Starting in this chapter and in each chapter, there are very short, easy exercises to work though.
The third chapter deals with the seven basic discipline skills, which are 1. composure 2. assertiveness 3. making choices 4. encouragement 5. attributing positive intent 6. empathy 7. consequences. Ms. Bailey states that all these skills can be used in fear-based discipline and most often are, but that they can easily be used in love-based discipline and will be much more effective.
Chapters four through nine delve into each skill further, describing what it truly means to use this skill in love, giving examples of how to use the skills and phrases that may help. Each chapter ends with "There's No Time Like the Present!" describing what you can do now to implement that skill.
Chapter 10 describes what sort of misbehavior you can expect at certain developmental stages. The idea is that children are testing certain things at these stages and so what they do when they misbehave is fairly predictable. For instance, a preschooler often tells parents things that sound like lies, that are often embellishments of wishful thinking. These help them develop and deal with the idea of power and control, a central issue at this time in their life and development.
The eleventh chapter deals with common discipline encounters and how to solve them using the seven basic skills in love. The final chapter has a seven week program for implementing these skills and changing your children's life and your own!
I must admit, I'm still somewhere in chapter 10. I've been reading the book for two months. I've been reading it at an unusually slow pace so that I can absorb everything and work on implementing those skills. But our lives have changed. I am looking forward to finishing the book and implementing the program to help me.
You can learn new skills as an adult, but it is easier as a child. I would rather my child learned to live out of love than fear with inner discipline. Everything we do teaches our child something. Is it what we want them to learn?
May 14, 2019
This is seriously the best parenting book I’ve ever read. It has taken me almost a year to work through this relatively slim book, but I found I needed to take time with each chapter to fully absorb it. (I took notes and made flash cards for myself — I’m a nerd, I know). It also has taken me that amount of time to actually put into practice these parenting techniques.
I should also say that this is probably one of the best mental health/counseling books I’ve ever read too. Another reason I chose to read it slowly is because one of the very first quotes of the book is “You cannot teach what you do not know.” So if I don’t know how to deal with my feelings or accept disappointment in a healthy way, how can I expect my child to not throw a fit about leaving the park early?
Maybe everyone else already understands this, but it took this book for me to realize that children misbehave because they don’t know the appropriate way to deal with something, not because they are disrespectful. The first thing the author teaches is to accept the moment as it is and to look at this tantrum (or “bad” behavior or whining) as a moment to teach our children a better way. There are many times I whine or throw a tantrum as an adult, but we seem to expect children not to do these things and to be punished for them. Bialey has us focus less on punishment, and focus more on what we actually want our children to learn. Basically, this book is about changing our mindset about parenting, starting with changing our mindset about ourselves.
This might sound philosophical, but Bailey also has specific actions to take, to the point of “here are the words you could say” kind of thing. She gives tons of examples of what to do and compares that with what we might already be doing, which I appreciate. I think one of my biggest takeaways was from The Power of Attention: what you focus on, you will get more of. This might be obvious, but it is something I had never really practiced in a parenting context. I usually found myself saying, “Don’t do this,” “no, not that,” etc. Bailey suggests that we focus on what our kids are doing well and also giving a suggestion of what to do rather than what not to do. This is simply just reframing how we say things. For example, I should say, “Put your feet on the floor,” rather than “Don’t put your feet on the table.” Little things like this actually matter and make a difference.
I have become a more compassionate, centered parent because of this book. I still make mistakes, of course, but I have found this way of teaching rather than punishing helpful for my kids and me.
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