The Pragmatist's Guide to Relationships: Ruthlessly Optimized Strategies for Dating, Sex, and Marriage

The Pragmatist's Guide #3

by Malcolm Collins, Simone Collins

The Pragmatist’s Guide to Relationships presents a data-driven dissection of sex, dating, and marriage by taking a deep dive into academic literature and stress testing strategies advocated by “marriage gurus” and self-styled pick-up artists. Combining insights from these disparate fields, we construct novel models detailing how humans secure partners and make long-term relationships work while exploring how these systems can be exploited to one’s advantage in a world of broken dating markets and plummeting marriage rates.

This guide acts as an instruction manual for mate acquisition strategies of all stripes, providing the foundation needed to excel at any number of tricky tasks—be it getting laid, writing a marriage contract, training a spouse, determining whether a partner cheated, exploring the world of non-monogamy, or finding the perfect long-term partner.

As with all Pragmatist Foundation books, the proceeds from this book go to nonprofits. In line with the foundation's goals, the book attempts to explore the topic of human relationships without pushing the agenda of any particular ideological team.

Genres: Relationships, Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Love, Philosophy, Romance

550 pages, Hardcover

Published November 6, 2021

Reviews

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Pragmatist's Guide to Relationships is what I would expect from any practical field guide on a subject: A bit of history, broad overviews of important facets, warnings, tactical tips, and helpful explanations, carefully categorized in a manner that is easy to skip around and targeted (meaning chapters that really only apply to certain audiences, like younger people who are only just starting to date, are neatly organized in the appendix and not boring general audiences). This is somewhat amusing considering that most relationship advice is packaged in a much more emotionally sensitive (and less professional and no-nonsense) package. If you want a guide to relationships that isn't going to hold your hand and tell you that you are perfect as you are and everything is going to be OK, you will not enjoy this book, but if you enjoy practical guides and would like to pick up some interesting insights on dating and relationships, you'll be glad you gave this book a try.

[Brian R. Knauff · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book WILL challenge you.

There's a lot to question/disagree with, but as advertised, it's on me to dig deeper. (Challenge accepted!). This is the second of three books in the "pragmatist" series [we're] reading together. I have no doubts as to the usefulness and value of what Simone and Malcolm have written!

[Shoshannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I struggle to even draft a mental list of all the useful insights in this book. If you are serious about looking for relationships or improving the one you are in, then this is simply a must-read that will open your eyes to concepts and insights you are not likely to find anywhere else.

[LP · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has a lot of information in its appendix and you can design your reading experience by selectively reading the chapters relevant to your personal goals and life. What I like about the book is that the book was cowritten by a man and a woman, making the points they present relatable to readers of both genders.

I recommended this book to my male friends who are struggling with the dating scene as well, since I personally found this book to be insightful and useful. I think bearing in mind that the concept of BATNA (best alternative to negotiated agreement), aka Opportunity Cost in Economics (the second best alternative you can get next to the option you are evaluating), is incredibly important while dating, as the authors are trying to remind us readers. You should always know what your objectives are, how much you are willing to concede and if nothing works, what truly can make you happy in your personal life, BEFORE going into a relationship or even falling head over heels over someone.

I also wrote to the authors after reading the book and actually discussed with them about my thoughts on the content. They have a network of actual professionals (counseling, coaches, etc.) that they are happy to connect you with. Or if they have insights on the very topics you have follow up questions on, they will write back. I think that really helps readers understand their message more and could also improve their content over time, if they were to release more publications.

[Cameron · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a bit of a mad book, in that I highly suspect it's one of the most thought out and ruthless ways to arrange a relationship, the authors essentially advocate for relationships that enable you to become greater than the sum of your parts, which sounds pretty innocuous but in actuality, the methodology within is highly deliberate and thought through.

That said the book is deliberately open-minded and lists a variety of different relationship styles that could work for various different circumstances.

I think it might be the relationship guide for achieving success out there. It definitely did make me want a partner that propelled me forward in life!

[hTimSs S · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the book, The Pragmatists Guide to Relationships, Malcolm and Simone are masters at giving you the truth. They quickly debunk contemporary love clichés using a thorough grasp of human nature, leaving you perplexed and wondering how everyone could have been so mistaken while offering a convincing alternative. This book is for those who desire to benefit from reality at the cost of some beloved cultural collective delusions. Recommend.

[Tiago · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I’ve had read this when I was 18!

[Mona Yehia · Rating 2 out of 5]

This Book Is Anything But Pragmatic!

Mathematics is an essential part of my university studies and has always been one of my favorite subjects. I really wish that relationships were as simple as something that could be solved with pure calculations and numbers—unfortunately, this is not the case!
In general, the book is not only utopian and unrealistic, ignoring human psychology and society, but it also ignores many important factors that contribute to the equation of a “healthy relationship.”
One example is in Chapter 4 (The Pragmatism of Choosing a Partner), where it indirectly criticizes successful women for wanting a partner who is on the same level or more successful, claiming that this shrinks their dating pool. Now let me ask you this:
What percentage of less successful men are in relationships with more successful women and don’t feel insecure about it?
(And remember, “successful” is relative—this could mean a woman with a university degree dating a man with only a high school diploma.)
If you answer this question honestly, you’ll understand that it’s not always an “option” for women to lower their standards. In real life, many successful women are rejected by men with lower qualifications precisely because of their success!
In Chapter 2 (Evaluating Compatibility – Beyond Chemistry and Attraction), the book encourages both genders to go on multiple dates (for example, one every 1–2 weeks), ignoring the fact that we do not live in a utopia of gender equality. Even in the most progressive countries—like in Europe—a woman following that advice could be seen as indecisive, manipulative, or worse.

Even if a woman avoids sex in the early stages of dating, the social judgment still falls heavily on her. Meanwhile, a man doing the same might be seen as “smart” and “in control,” although even some women may judge him as manipulative. So in reality, this approach actually shrinks women's chances of finding someone who won't judge them for dating multiple people before committing.
On the other hand, men who go on dates every week or two are likely to meet only a small percentage of serious women—because many women who are serious about relationships tend to wait longer before dating, in order to avoid societal judgment.
The book does introduce some good insights about how attraction works, but if I were truly looking to build a good relationship, I would read books that explore the psychology of both genders in depth. That way, I could better understand both myself and the opposite gender. It might not be the easiest approach, but it’s definitely more practical—and even healthier—than depending only on numbers.

[GrantedBooks Rogers · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Pragmatist's Guide to Relationships by Malcolm Collins and Simone Collins, is not your typical guide to relationships; so if you are not open to new ideas or challenging your beliefs then this isn’t the book for you. In my opinion this book is a thoughtful study that challenges traditional acumen.
I liked how the author mixes practical advice with logic. Collins’ do a great job of breaking down complicated ideas into digestible pieces, so if you have an interest in understanding things from a pragmatic aspect then i would recommend this book.
The authors’ approach is empathetic and investigative but at the same time it doesn't shy away from the hard truths. I was intrigued by the way Collins’ manoeuvre the complexities of human emotions, whilst also providing strategies that are workable.
I think this book would appeal more to the contemporary reader. It's not about quick fixes, it's about understanding the acts that frame our relationships and learning how to handle them with grace and wisdom. The book offers a good insight and provides tools that can make a difference in how we interact with other people. I highly recommend The Pragmatist's Guide to Relationships to anyone who has an interest in deepening their connection with the people close to them.

[Grymm Gevierre · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was pretty floored with the last book in this "Pragmatist's Guide" series, and I was excited to start on this one. Simone and Malcolm take a logical, pragmatic approach to researching and writing about the topics in this series. It's a bonus that the profits from these books go toward nonprofits; it shows that the Collins just want to help make people more aware, intentional, and overall better.

This book covers a wide variety of topics and even has an appendix. It has cognitive separation (probably my favorite section), breaking up traps, and everything in between. I'm incredibly impressed by how thorough they were. So much so they split it into two different books (as they mention early on, this is the first part, and The Pragmatist's Guide to Sexuality is the second).

It's hard to summarize this book in a way they haven't already. The title alone is quite literal. It's a great book and will help you think about relationships in a way that can help you not only pour a solid foundation but also keep your eyes open to signs and pitfalls that could be a damnation for any relationship style. I highly recommend this book. It's worth your time.

[Lily · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a mix for me - well-written, and while I enjoyed some chapters, some seemed to toe the line a little too closely to some toxic online communities and the advice they spout. (Hence my four-star rating). I really appreciate the emphasis on consent and how different relationships can be, and that there’s no such thing as a one-size-fits-all relationship style. I think this book is great for maintaining healthy relationships, and giving a guide for looking out for abusive behaviors, and navigating a relationship that doesn’t conform to what’s considered a societal norm. (Including things like LDRs, which thanks to our constantly connected state have evolved quite a bit from what they used to be). Overall, a good relationship guide.

[Kevin S · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book put words to the experiences that I've had over the past few years in the long-term relationship dating market. The clarity of categories in this book is very helpful.

I can't get over Malcom and Simone Collins as a tag-team pair who dissect a wide variety of topics. Their series of Pragmatist's Guide books is very exhaustive surrounding each topic.

Also the book contains a link to a free reading of the book! It's not professionally done (just Malcolm and a microphone somewhere in his own home), but a free audiobook is very amazing.

[Drew · Rating 4 out of 5]

Part of me wants to give this book five stars because of all the great advice in there, but there are too many pieces of bad advice throughout that it would be inappropriate.

Portions of the book were hilarious, some of it unintentionally. Definitely a recommended reading.

[Jevgenij · Rating 2 out of 5]

For a "pragmatist's guide" there is very little actually actionable advice in this book. It's mostly a collection of research summaries of varying usefulness, without any practical conclusions.

[Swati Tanu · Rating 4 out of 5]

The sections in the book are organized really well. You can jump to the parts that matter to you. For example, if you're young and just starting to date, there's a section for you. And if you're not interested in that, you can find it in the back, so you don't get bored.

Most relationship advice is all about feelings and being sensitive. But this book is different. It's straightforward and doesn't sugarcoat things. It tells you the truth, even if it's not what you want to hear. The authors, Malcolm and Simone, know a lot about how people really are. They show you that a lot of what we think about love is wrong. They give you a new way to think about it.

If you like practical advice and want to learn more about dating and relationships, you should read this book. But if you want a book that makes you feel good and says everything will be perfect, this might not be for you. I recommend it to people who want to see relationships in a different way.

You might like to check out more similar books here.

[Malcolm Collins · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am really proud of the work our team put into making this book as comprehensive as it is.

[Audun · Rating 3 out of 5]

They strike me as aliens trying to describe human relationships. Some weird stuff, but also some unique and valuable insights