Ask for It Ask for It Ask for It

by Linda Babcock, Sara Laschever

In their groundbreaking book, Women Don't Ask," " Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever uncovered a startling even women who negotiate brilliantly on behalf of others often falter when it comes to asking for themselves. Now they've developed the action plan that women all over the country requested-a guide to negotiation that starts "before "you get to the bargaining table. Ask for It" "explains why it's essential to ask" "(men do it all the time) and teaches you how to ask effectively, in ways that feel comfortable to you as a woman. Whether you currently avoid negotiating like the plague or consider yourself hard-charging and fearless, Babcock and Laschever's compelling stories of real women will help you recognize how much "more" you deserve-whether it's a raise, that overdue promotion, an exciting new assignment, or even extra help around the house. Their four-phase program, backed by years of research, will show you how to identify what you're really worth, maximize your bargaining power, develop the best strategy for your situation, and manage the reactions and emotions that may arise-on both sides. Guided step-by-step, you'll learn how to draw on the special strengths you bring to the negotiating table to reach agreements that benefit everyone involved. This collaborative, problem-solving approach will propel you to new places both professionally and personally-and open doors you thought were closed. Because if you never hear no, you're not asking enough. "From the Hardcover edition."

Genres: Nonfiction, Business, Feminism, Self Help, Psychology, Leadership, Womens

304 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2008

About the author

Linda C. Babcock is the James Mellon Walton Professor of Economics at the H. John Heinz III School of Public Policy and Management at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She has also served as director of the Ph.D. Program and Interim Dean at the Heinz School.

Dr. Babcock grew up in Altadena, California, and attended public schools there before earning her bachelor's degree in economics from the University of California at Irvine. She subsequently attended the University of Wisconsin at Madison, where she completed a master's degree and a Ph.D. in economics. She has received numerous research grants from the National Science Foundation as well as several university teaching awards. She has served as a visiting professor at the Harvard Business School, the University of Chicago Graduate School of Business, and the California Institute of Technology.

Dr. Babcock specializes in negotiation and dispute resolution. Her research has appeared in the most prestigious economics, industrial relations, and law journals, including the American Economic Review, the Quarterly Journal of Economics, the Journal of Economic Perspectives, Industrial and Labor Relations Review, Industrial Relations, the Journal of Legal Studies, The New York Times, the Economist, the Harvard Business Review, the International Herald Tribune, the Sunday Times of London and the International Review of Law and Economics. She also consults for public sector, not-for-profit, and private sector organizations.

Dr. Babcock is a member of the American Economic Association, the Society for Judgment and Decision Making, the Economic Science Association, the International Association for Conflict Management, the American Law and Economics Association, and the Committee on the Status of Women in the Economics Profession. She is currently serving on the Behavioral Economics Roundtable of the Russell Sage Foundation and as a Review Panel Member at the National Science Foundation.

Dr. Babcock lives in Pittsburgh with her husband, Mark Wessel and their daughter.

Reviews

[Ernestasia Siahaan · Rating 4 out of 5]

The head of my department gives this to all new women in the group, to encourage us to be bold in asking for what we deserve and speaking up our minds.

This book has been an eye-opener for me personally. We often accept our situation because we just assume that it's how it should be. The book shows that it is more a result of us not *knowing* that we could actually ask for a better situation.

I think the book is very well-written, and not at all the preachy kind you would expect from books in this category (i.e. self improvement). It lays out data that has been researched on how women fare on negotiations compared with men. It gives pointers on what to do to enhance our negotiation skills. And what I liked most was that it shares stories from a lot of women facing various circumstances, that serve as examples of what should or should not be done when we need to negotiate.

I would really recommend this book to any women in any stage of their career. (P.S. the office is not the only place where you'd make use of the information you obtain from this book. ;-))

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was chosen for my faculty reading group and since it has been the only book I've read in the last 3 months, I'm gonna go ahead and review it. It is non-fiction and basically takes the stance that women get less than men (money, status, etc) because they don't ask for it. There were some good case studies presented, for example, women generally fail to negotiate on their first job offer whereas men almost always do. And, over a lifetime, that leg up on salary can really have an impact. The book also presents example "stories" of women negotiating and getting (or in some cases failing to get) what they asked for.

Overall I would recommend the book, but I only gave it 3 stars because there was a lot of stuff in there I found repetitive and so just skipped over. Also you have to wait all the way to part 4 before they give you any real tips on negotiating, which is really what I was looking for in reading the book. Still, it was insightful and I would certainly love to pass it on to anyone else who's interested in reading it.

[Z. Yasemin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I met with Linda Babcock in 2019 in one of her workshops at the University of Pittsburgh. Before that, I already read her first book as a graduate student. Reading the first book helped me a lot to think about what it means to negotiate within academia, which is taught or reminded us as a thing "almost never".

The timing for reading this second book was even better, because it intersected with an actual job negotiation phase of my life. As I read through the book, and as I went through the interviews and negotiations with multiple places, I was finding solutions that can address the particular issue I was dealing with :)

More than anything, it has given me a confidence to ask more, literally "ask more". What is offered usually does not match with our abilities, skill sets, and diverse perspectives that we offer. And I asked more of anything regardless of their response :). While some of my requests might not be in the employers' capacity to provide, I might still receive so many other things during that process that they did not even offer initially or consider its possibility:) such as asking for a second computer screen and it is needed to do workshops online! This can not only help you but also for future employees and improve the working conditions in that company.

I recommend this book to everyone, particularly people from academia and even more so for women in academia, who have not had the chance to learn the signifcance of negotiation. We should remind ourselves and others that negotiation does need to be considered as a fight or battle. It is simply a conversation where you are trying to do best for you and where the negotitors try to do what best for their interest.


People often relate women's negotiation with a lack of modesty or having way too high ambitions. For one, there is sexim associated with the idea of who can negotiate and who should not. Second, we dont negotiate because of the financial reasons but for being happier in our current or prospective positions. Negotiatin allows us to feel being valued and belong to a workspace, and boost our confidence for our skill sets, and finally last but not least increase our work engagement knowing that our talents are equitably compensated!

[Nina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I appreciate a lot of this material. All the examples made me feel strong, empowered, deserving, worthy. I would walk out of the T holding my head a little higher - damn straight I’m proud of my abilities and my performance.

However, in its enthusiasm for women refusing to settle for less than their objective value, the book gives negligible attention to two very real considerations:

(a) have you actually demonstrated sufficient competence and mastery to plausibly justify a career opportunity/promotion/raise?
(b) do you have sufficient “brownie points” saved up so that, if the ask is granted, you’re not going to plunge into insurmountably deep “brownie point debt?”

Babcock and Laschever are wrong: the worst thing that can happen is not that your ask is met with the answer ‘no.’ The worst thing is that your ask causes the person on the other side of the table to - consciously or subconsciously - revisit their good opinion of you. Think about these possible internal reactions:

“This recent hire has strong potential but wow I didn’t realize until now that she was so off-base about her performance relative to expectations and how much she has yet to learn. I guess her judgment is less good than I thought. That’s disappointing.”

“Woah, I’m all for women advocating for themselves, but did you really just try to guilt trip me into giving you a raise? I have devoted my life to the underserved and I will not allow anyone to imply that I don’t pay my subordinates a fair wage. I can’t even. With such an unprofessional and entitled attitude, I can’t see a long term future for you at this organization.”

“Yet another ask? I mean - yes, you’re excellent - but I have recognized your excellence repeatedly over the years with promotions, plum projects, and special treatment. It feels like you don’t appreciate how much I’ve given you, deservedly and cheerfully. I’m starting to feel used and wrung dry.”

All of the above are real life reactions that women I know have encountered in the last 3 years, from otherwise progressive, generous bosses who are known for their commitment to their subordinates’ career progression. In all cases, the reactions were not clearly articulated to the woman in question, so she had no opportunity to smooth things over and correct the misperception. In all cases, the resulting bad feeling lasted for months and put a damper on her relationship with her boss. Which, in turn, affected her career progression at that employer.

Whether or not the boss’ reactions were justified is irrelevant. Research has repeatedly shown that ambitious behavior is more likely to spark a negative backlash when exhibited by a woman than a man. Is this fair? Hell no. But it’s real, and it would be tactically shortsighted to pretend otherwise.

Babcock and Laschever spend a lot of time on approaches and maneuvers in negotiations (when/where/how to make a pitch), but insufficient time on the possible costs of a poorly timed, poorly framed, or out-of-proportion ask. Such considerations may be irrelevant if your negotiation counterpart is someone random on Craigslist or even remote HR personnel who have little influence over your day-to-day interactions. But when it’s your immediate supervisor, or your spouse, or members of your support system? People whose good opinion truly matters to you and not just for strategic reasons? In such cases, chutzpah should be accompanied by a large reserve of accumulated brownie points.

[Clare · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would recommend that any young woman just starting out in her career buy this book and keep it on the bookshelf to refer to as she progresses in her job. It gives very concrete information about how to negotiate on the job to get what you need and want. It is clear and practical with lots of examples of negotiating tactics. Even as an older woman with an established career, I am going to use some of the tactics when I apply for a new job soon. Excellent book.

[Dany · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although the stories were very (VERY!) repetitive, I really got a lot to think about out of this book. It’s incredible to realize that so many of our disadvantages as women come from simply not asking or not knowing how to ask effectively. I’d love to read more by these authors.

[Lynne Spreen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book so much I did two blog posts about it. (http://anyshinything.com/2012/03/16/i...)

Here's a horrifying fact, quoting from the book: "This bias without malice starts early. In a study, school children were asked to perform a small task and then pay themselves what they thought they deserved. (First graders were asked to award themselves Hershey’s Kisses.)In first, fourth, seventh and tenth grades, girls consistently paid themselves 30% – 78% less than boys."

How does that make you feel about your daughters and granddaughters?

Here's the bottom line: the authors DOCUMENT that women and men both discriminate against women (it's ingrained, not intentional; they call it "bias without malice") and the only way to overcome that is for women to simply ASK. Start asking for a better deal. Men do it FOUR TIMES as often as women, and that changes both the money they save and earn, and also their feeling of satisfaction with life.

What makes this book an easy, good read is the number of great anecdotes in it. I like stories of people who are struggling with the issue. It helps non-fiction more interesting. This book is replete with inspiring anecdotes. Also, the authors write in a companionable, funny, down-to-earth voice. It's like reading a self-help guide put together by your smart friend.

But more importantly, authors Babcock and Laschever document and prove their case at every turn, and then they give you solid tips for learning to improve your life through negotiation. Whether it's at a yard sale, getting a better table at a restaurant, bartering services, or getting the job, raise, or promotion you deserve, they tell you how to do it.

I REALLY recommend this book, and I recommend you give it to your daughters and granddaughters to read as well.

[Vonetta · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars, but I'll round up. Waaaaay too many examples/stories of women's negotiating (mis)adventures. But there is helpful information about how to set up a negotiation, laid out very similarly to how a negotiations class would go (or at least it laid things out just like my MBA nego class, for better or worse). If you've taken a course, you'll find much of the instructional parts redundant, but I appreciated the overarching encouraging tone of the book. The authors want to stress that you're valuable and you deserve to be treated as such. It really challenges that reflex in your head that says "I don't deserve this," because you do deserve everything you've worked for. As a result of reading this book, I've decided that 2014 will be the Year of the Ask. For me, 2013 was about leaning in and being fearless; 2014 should be just as fulfilling.

[Kamila · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks to this book I feel more comfortable asking for things, while also recognizing (as the book points out) that women unfortunately are still expected to be "relentlessly pleasant." Although I did not get what I asked for in a recent important negotiation, I feel proud that I at least stepped into negotiating without being afraid that I was doing the wrong thing.

[Marrije · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this book, ladies. And profit.

[Devin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical, empowering, and full of step-by-step strategies, 'Ask For It' is a must-read for women learning to negotiate with confidence, and exactly what's missing from 'Women Don't Ask'.

I have been searching for a book that connects research specifically about women in negotiation with actions that are best suited for us. The authors back up their advice with data, and explore how both conscious and unconscious bias can shape outcomes. That context matters for women in business. It reminded me that just because you know what a BATNA, Target Value, or anchoring is, you also need to acknowledge the gender biases of the system you are operating in and understand how to use them to your advantage.

I really appreciated how this book goes beyond vague encouragement or example stories and delivers tangible tools for how to negotiate. From identifying what you actually want, to practicing with low-stakes asks, to learning how to frame your request in a collaborative way, 'Ask For It' gives you a full playbook for learning how to negotiate in work and in life.

The six-week “Negotiation Gym” at the end was a real highlight for me. It offers a clear, confidence-building progression program that anyone can try. Whether you are asking for a discount, more flexibility, or a new opportunity, practicing these skills help you get over your fear of negotiating.

I will caveat though… some parts of this book also feel dated (especially the sections about how to use the internet to find jobs…) Still, I found this book more useful than 'Women Don’t Ask', which relied more on stories than strategy. This one is grounded in practical information and how negotiation is a learned skill.

[Sakib Ahmed · Rating 4 out of 5]

In most cases, when a woman is said to be asking for it , it’s not a nice insinuation, and the outcome is never desirable.

These blinks, however, will show you that asking for it is all about taking control of your life and going after what you deserve. Furthermore, they will guide you through the process of negotiation and tackle some common issues that women face, leaving you better equipped the next time you’re asking for a raise or arguing with your partner over, for example, getting a pet cat or dog.
Effective negotiation skills are useful in many situations, no matter how big or small. More importantly, learning how to negotiate will lead not only to better relationships with those around you but also with yourself.

Negotiation is an everyday occurrence, but for many women, it’s not easy to undertake. Women need to learn to ask for what they want and do so in the right way to increase their chances of success. This involves being prepared to collaborate with others, taking the other negotiator’s interests into account and paying particular attention to communicating pleasantly while not undervaluing oneself.

[Elizabeth Caddy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every woman should read this book. It’s eye-opening and has changed the way I move in relationships and negotiations. Since starting this book, I have more boldly asked for things I might not have and am now on a fast-track to a role I have had my eye on. This shit works.

I’m giving this to every woman I know for college graduation gifts.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got my PhD from Carnegie Mellon, where the author Linda Babcock teaches; she was actually the head of my department while I was there, and was an important mentor to me. I didn’t focus my own research on negotiation, but through a few classes and just being in the department I became familiar with a lot of her research (more so the research that made up the first book, WOMEN DON’T ASK, which is why I hadn’t read it). Then at my first job after finishing my degree one of my office mates recommended that I read this, and briefly lent me her copy. I wasn’t able to finish it then, but I saw it at the library recently so I got it and restarted it.

. I’ve never been a very comfortable negotiator, for a lot of the reasons Babcock & Laschever mention in the book. I found reading it to be very helpful and motivating. The authors write well, with an excellent mix of explanations of scholarly research and personal stories to highlight points. They also do an excellent job of simultaneously driving home how much women can gain by negotiating more (& more effectively) and not making readers feel at all bad for not having done so in the past—knowing how effective of a mentor Babcock is in person, it’s not surprising that she and her co-author managed to strike this relatively delicate balance, but it was nice to see in writing. I haven’t gone through the book’s exercises yet, but I definitely plan to. This book has already been personally helpful to me, and I highly recommend it to other women.

[Mariana (marianaylavida) · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Every aspect of your life has the potential to be transformed by negotiation. So rather than worrying about asking for too much, start thinking about what you really want. Reflect on what would delight you, not what you're willing to settle for."

Excelente libro, de esos que cambian completamente tu perspectiva sobre la vida, en más de un aspecto. Uno que tienen que leer todas las mujeres. (Empezando por muchas que conozco).

Las dos autoras escribieron este libro después de haber publicado "Women don't ask", un estudio sobre las desventajas que tienen las mujeres (sobre todo el el mundo laboral) por no negociar cosas que los hombres sí: aumentos en salario, beneficios, bonos, etc. Mientras que negociar, tener ambición y "pedir màs" es un comportamiento aceptado e incluso esperado para los hombres, socialmente esos mismos comportamientos son rechazados en una mujer.

"Ask for it" es una guía sobre los principios básicos de negociación, dirigido a mujeres para motivarlas, sí, a negociar...pero dicho de otra manera, atreverse a pedir las cosas que quieren (y saben que merecen). Aunque se enfoca principalmente en el mundo laboral, los principios descritos pueden ser aplicados a cualquier aspecto de la vida: desde elegir qué película ver hasta un acuerdo con una pareja.

Podría decir muchísimas cosas, pero simplemente lo dejaré en: si alguna vez te has quedado con las ganas de pedir algo por miedo a escuchar "no", a "dañar una relación", o a sentir que "quieres demasiado y deberías agradecer lo que tienes", si hay una situación en tu vida que quisieras que mejorara pero no te has atrevido a dar el paso para cambiarla, LEE ESTE LIBRO.

[Melissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't usually read business books, but a group at work was reading this. This book was really detailed and covered a lot of ground, from figuring out what you want and seeking role models, to the mechanics of negotiation, to exercises, to commentary on specific challenges for women based on how they're perceived when negotiating.

I definitely do not like books that claim innate, fatalistic sex differences. This one had a great focus on the context women live in - studies on how women are perceived and how women tend to interact in business contexts. It covered sex differences without claiming they were genetic or universal.

The negotiation strategies and exercises were very helpful for developing my understanding, even though I don't plan to actively work to develop my negotiation skills beyond the opportunities that come up in my daily life and career. This was a quick read and I'd recommend it to anyone interested in the topic.

[Ashley · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book immensely readable, but the content was awful. Both authors have an agenda - to make you believe that women have somehow been "cheated" out of what they deserved because they don't ask for it. I resent many of the authors recommendations on behavior, which suggest that a woman should act like a man in order to get ahead. Regardless of the difference in our outlooks, I would be lying if I said that it didn't change how I viewed male/female negotiations.

The tidbits that I would recommend:
1. Ask for what you are worth (not what you need) and define your best alternative (BATNA)
2. Research! Pay special attention to what the other side wants and potential areas of compromise
3. Be "relentlessly pleasant" in your negotiations

[Claire · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lots of useful things. I am not going to do the 6 week course thing, and might not ever actually feel like I can negotiate things, but now I'll at least feel bad about it.

In all seriousness, though, even if I'll never be an aggressive asker-person, this book changed how I think about asking for things, in a good way. I'll probably revisit for situations when I might actually be needing to do such things.

One thing that bothered me is that it didn't give much help as to how to assess when a situation is truly negotiable. The line the book takes is something on the lines of "may as well try to negotiate everything," but I really don't feel like that's the reality of a lot of situations...especially in job situations, lately.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

My prescient sister in law gave this book to me at a time when I needed it (and I did get the raise!). I found this book an eye opener about how often we as women downplay our value, make excuses to avoid speaking up, and miss opportunities. I was dismayed that as an empowered, educated woman I still fell into the same traps of devaluing my work and waiting on others to speak up for me at work, and used many of the same justifications for my actions that were outlined in the book.

I wish every woman graduating from college or entering the workforce would have the chance to read this book so they would feel empowered and prepared to ask for what they deserve.

[Des · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would highly recommend this book to every young woman who is starting out in her career. In fact, it should probably be required reading for college women (men can also read it if they want :)
It's filled with practical advice that is useful at all career stages but for young women, it would set them up for career success early on. I also liked that the authors addressed the likeability factor in a pragmatic way and encouraged women to break down that stereotype as they move higher up on the career ladder. The real stories interspersed within the chapters were also insightful and helped to break up the monotony of just reading advice and research studies.

[Gray · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book INCREDIBLY helpful! It made me feel confident and angry about all I had missed out on by not negotiating at the same time. A lot of people say that the stories are repetitive, and they can be, but I appreciated the number of stories/examples, because it meant I was able to find a few that were more relatable and relevant to my situations. By including so many examples, the authors allow most readers to find a few that inspire them most and are more relevant to each reader.

#1 thing I learned: If I’m in a situation to say “yes” or “no” or even “ok” its a negotiable situation

[Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this book as part of the course materials for a one-day Negotiation course offered by WinSETT (Women in Science, Engineering, Technology, and Trades). This book was extremely valuable in talking me through how negotiations work, common problems, and how to evaluate my own life and plan for negotiations. I've recommended it to nearly everybody I know who's looking for a new job as well as people looking for a raise. Also, while it is written for women, nearly all of the advice would also benefit men.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't think I needed this book. I'm a pretty ballsy gal who generally speaks her mind. But reading through this made me realize that I've been going about it all wrong and there are several places in my life where I should have negotiated and where I should be negotiating. This really helped me as I'm thinking through my job search, and I now have a bunch of tools to deal with salary negotiations and similar situations in the future. Read it, ladies!

[Y. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wish I'd read this a long, long time ago. The information is nothing earth shattering, but I'm giving this four stars because this, in some part or other, helped me say "I demand more money!" - which I'm sure is a phrase most people would never think I'd say. (a few times now!)

Though, to be sure, requests shouldn't be baseless. So, make sure you do your work, do it well, and do your research into your fair market value!

[Minjia Qiu · Rating 4 out of 5]

The premises is critical for all women - if you don't ask you'll never get what you want, and ask for more than what you think you could get so there's a negotiation. We instinctively do this as toddlers, throw tantrums to get what we want; but somewhere before we turn adults, boys learn that taking risks by asking is reasonable, while girls wait for boys to ask them out. This book lays out the facts and stats, and provides concrete examples and practical tips on preparing to negotiate.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essential reading for any woman looking to achieve more professionally, socially, at home - in any capacity. Thoughtful, approachable, and full of easily achievable suggestions, laced with an insightful examination on the culture that sets up women to ask for less, or not ask at all. No, really: READ THIS!

[gabrielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ooooh! We were holding steady at 4 stars, despite the overly shiny-happy attitude, and then blammo, we pulled up hard in the "likability" chapter. Which made my head spin around, just like in the exorcist.

[Afnan mohammed mohammed · Rating 1 out of 5]

Boring Book. It is Full of examples of successful women that are unknown, and no proof of that! I think the writer just wants to full the papers with examples that are almost too idealistic to be true!

[Rebecca Saxton · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this was a well written book and found it to be informative in the fact to ask for certain things outside of the work place that I would have never thought of to do before. Also , I believe it was very helpful to see that men tend to negotiate more for their salary than women do.

[Lindsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read it, ladies, and stop feeling guilty.