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How to Argue and Win Every Time: At Home, At Work, In Court, Everywhere, Every Day
The book thqt teaches you how to argue and win every time. So you want to know how to compose the winning arguent? How to prepare it? Deliver it? Spense believes that argument begins with the person, and that to argue successfully one must accomplish more than mere teechnique. He maintains that success in arguments, as in life, is a derivative of personal growth, of discoverring who we are, and embracing the uniqueness that is individual to each of us.
The Laws of Arguing According to Gerry Spence
1. Everyone is capable of making the winning aargument.
2. Winning is getting what we want, which also means helping "others" get what they want.
3. Learn that words are a weapon, and can be used hostilely in combat.
4. Know that there is always a "biological advantage" of delivering the TRUTH.
5. Assault is not argument.
6. Use fear as an ally in pubic speaking or in argument. Learn to convert its energy.
7. Let emotions show and don't discourage passion.
8. Don't be blinded by brilliance.
9. Learn to speak with the body. The body sometimes speaks more powerfully than words.
10 Know that the enemy is not the person with whom we are engaged in a failing argument, but the vision within ourselves
The Laws of Arguing According to Gerry Spence
1. Everyone is capable of making the winning aargument.
2. Winning is getting what we want, which also means helping "others" get what they want.
3. Learn that words are a weapon, and can be used hostilely in combat.
4. Know that there is always a "biological advantage" of delivering the TRUTH.
5. Assault is not argument.
6. Use fear as an ally in pubic speaking or in argument. Learn to convert its energy.
7. Let emotions show and don't discourage passion.
8. Don't be blinded by brilliance.
9. Learn to speak with the body. The body sometimes speaks more powerfully than words.
10 Know that the enemy is not the person with whom we are engaged in a failing argument, but the vision within ourselves
307 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1995
382 people are currently reading
4977 people want to read
About the author
Gerry Spence
35 books64 followersGerry Spence is a trial lawyer in the United States. In 2008, he announced he would retire, at age 79, at the end of the Geoffrey Fieger trial in Detroit, MI. Spence did not lose a criminal case in the over 50 years he practiced law. He started his career as a prosecutor and later became a successful defense attorney for the insurance industry. Years later, Spence said he "saw the light" and became committed to representing people, instead of corporations, insurance companies, banks, or "big business."
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 140 reviews
May 7, 2018
Win Your Case: How to Present, Persuade, and Prevail--Every Place, Every Time was a 5-star read. True, it started off with Gerry Spence's cod zen approach to life and a good bit of devotion to his ego, but eventually he got over himself and the book was a stunningly good read, helpful too. A book that made you think.
But with this one, I just couldn't pull my boots out of the mire of Gerry's self-admiration, so I left them there, pulled my feet out instead and made a run for it. (I ran straight into Machiavelli's The Prince. He was somewhat of a calculating bastard and his advice was distinctly more aggressive than Gerry Spence's!)
5-stars to anyone who could actually finish reading this book.
Rewritten May 2018 for no particular reason.
But with this one, I just couldn't pull my boots out of the mire of Gerry's self-admiration, so I left them there, pulled my feet out instead and made a run for it. (I ran straight into Machiavelli's The Prince. He was somewhat of a calculating bastard and his advice was distinctly more aggressive than Gerry Spence's!)
5-stars to anyone who could actually finish reading this book.
Rewritten May 2018 for no particular reason.
June 21, 2009
Wow! Alot of folks who have reviewed this book need a hug and a valium (a potent combination I might add).
Let me start by saying that the title of this book is a bit misleading, and intentionaly so. This book isn't about arguing as much as it's about communicating. Mr. Spence useds the word 'argument' in the context that everything we articulate- whether it's a desire to teach , punish, express wants or state an oppinion- is essentialy an argument.
The twist to this little tome is that effective arguing is not a act of selfishness but a labor of love. A good argument is one in which the greatest good is served.
I particularly found the chapter on arguing with kids quite useful. I used to be quite authoritarian and rule oriented when it comes to child rearing and this little chapter taught me that kids will grow into responsible loving adults without being constantly hovered over and corraled into so called 'correct behavior'. This chapter is worth the price of the book alone.
Let me start by saying that the title of this book is a bit misleading, and intentionaly so. This book isn't about arguing as much as it's about communicating. Mr. Spence useds the word 'argument' in the context that everything we articulate- whether it's a desire to teach , punish, express wants or state an oppinion- is essentialy an argument.
The twist to this little tome is that effective arguing is not a act of selfishness but a labor of love. A good argument is one in which the greatest good is served.
I particularly found the chapter on arguing with kids quite useful. I used to be quite authoritarian and rule oriented when it comes to child rearing and this little chapter taught me that kids will grow into responsible loving adults without being constantly hovered over and corraled into so called 'correct behavior'. This chapter is worth the price of the book alone.
August 21, 2024
So I got continuing education credit for reading this book and I didn't have any preconceptions about Gerry Spence. I had to force myself to finish this book and after downing much Pepto I can say I have come to hate this man. He is the most self-centered, egotistical, questionable wife-fawning (my lovely fragile flower), quasi riddle-speak, bore of a man. I hate, hate, hate this book and the man himself. I wish I could give back the 20 hours of CPE to erase this experience from my mind.
November 19, 2014
This book is an enjoyable read written by a lawyer who, according to Wikipedia, has never lost a criminal case as either a prosecutor or defender, and hasn't lost a civil case in 46 years. This was written in 1996, a couple years after I first heard of Spence when he skillfully defended Randy Weaver and exposed major problems in the federal government's actions in the Ruby Ridge case. Spence has defended Imelda Marcos and a host of others.
The negative reviews of this book seem to be by people who wanted a quick silver bullet, which is not what Spence provides. "Winning" has to be defined, as does "argument." Spence states that not every argument can be one, there is no need for a suicide charge. A "tactical retreat" is often a smart maneuver in winning a larger war.
The first part of the book reminded me of Plato, it reads like Socrates' dialectic. Spence (an ardent environmentalist) has an imaginary dialogue with a lumberjack, showing that if you can empower someone ("would you serve on a committee looking at this issue?") in their compromise, you win the argument. Argument is necessary. It's an important part of identity and personal growth. "Every boss should have a sign on his desk saying 'Argue with me,'" he writes. Spence proposes a new paradigm of argument: Argument is a means by which we bring about change, either in ourselves or others. It is a way to achieve an outcome you desire. What do you want to change?
"You are your own authority," and submitting to an external authority will stunt your growth. Both parties to an argument retain their authority, which makes "winning" somewhat problematic to define. You are simply changing someone without changing their authority, or accepting someone else's argument without relinquishing your own authority.
"All power, yours and theirs, is yours." Our power is creativity, joy, pain, experiences, belonging only to us. "Their power is my perception of their power." Others possess only what we give them. These philosophical/psychological points underpin his argument in the book. (These thoughts on not submitting to outside authorities will be problematic to those who look at an outside source-- like the Bible-- as their authority. Spence does not address absolutes in the book).
We should not live life skeptical of every little thing, but we should be skeptical. We want to trust the salesman, reporter, etc., but we need to listen and think. We also need to be aware of our own prejudices and cognitive biases, as well as the person you're arguing with. "I've learned more from my dogs" than any of the so-called "experts from on high."
Spence writes that you should always tell the truth. An admission on your part scores points with a jury while an exposure of yourself by your opponent undermines your case. Better to confess than be exposed and accused of hiding something.
Tell a complete story. Use pictures in your words. Do not appeal to the jury's intellect, but rather their emotions. Use simple language that paints vivid pictures. (He gives a wonderful example of how he did this in front of an audience hostile to his environmentalism, converting some to his side.) Practice putting emotion into your words. Think of certain situations where you have felt emotion X. Now pick a word you associate with that emotional situation. Say that word with the emotion you associate with that experience. Practice it in your car, the shower, etc. Practice growling, practice showing joy. Spence comes across like an old-time stump speaker or carnival barker; it's obviously effective. Make the "magical argument." "I know this man is innocent and I want badly to show you how I know..."
It is better to convince one person in your audience who will make a lasting change than your entire audience and they forget what you said by morning. "Winning" is the conversion of that one rather than the majority.
Spence concludes the book with great thoughts in regards to communication in marriage. If you want love or respect, you need to communicate love and respect. If you want a major life change, explain to your wife the entire story, what happens first, next, and what the end picture is ("... and we live happily ever after"). Spence regrets misspent years as a parent who saw his children as pupils rather than as independent individuals. He learned from his wife that it's better to show your children respect. If you want your children to respect you, show respect to them by giving them freedom to learn and fail, give them responsibilities, show them trust and watch them earn more. If you want to win the argument with your 16 year old, you have to star when he's 6. If you love unconditionally, people are more willing to listen to your argument-- the argument can be won without words.
The same principles apply at work. If you want respect from your boss, you must always demonstrate that you respect her. If asking for a raise, frame it in terms of the benefit to the company. "With a raise (tuition reimbursement, etc.), I will be able to devote less time to my outside activities, boost company productivity, increase profit, etc." Spence writes that corporations are amoral entities "No one has ever seen a corporation." The corporation exists to make certain people profit, so you win arguments with a corporation only by framing it in the interest of the shareholders.
I found this to be a highly entertaining and personally helpful read. I recommend it. 4 stars out of 5.
The negative reviews of this book seem to be by people who wanted a quick silver bullet, which is not what Spence provides. "Winning" has to be defined, as does "argument." Spence states that not every argument can be one, there is no need for a suicide charge. A "tactical retreat" is often a smart maneuver in winning a larger war.
The first part of the book reminded me of Plato, it reads like Socrates' dialectic. Spence (an ardent environmentalist) has an imaginary dialogue with a lumberjack, showing that if you can empower someone ("would you serve on a committee looking at this issue?") in their compromise, you win the argument. Argument is necessary. It's an important part of identity and personal growth. "Every boss should have a sign on his desk saying 'Argue with me,'" he writes. Spence proposes a new paradigm of argument: Argument is a means by which we bring about change, either in ourselves or others. It is a way to achieve an outcome you desire. What do you want to change?
"You are your own authority," and submitting to an external authority will stunt your growth. Both parties to an argument retain their authority, which makes "winning" somewhat problematic to define. You are simply changing someone without changing their authority, or accepting someone else's argument without relinquishing your own authority.
"All power, yours and theirs, is yours." Our power is creativity, joy, pain, experiences, belonging only to us. "Their power is my perception of their power." Others possess only what we give them. These philosophical/psychological points underpin his argument in the book. (These thoughts on not submitting to outside authorities will be problematic to those who look at an outside source-- like the Bible-- as their authority. Spence does not address absolutes in the book).
We should not live life skeptical of every little thing, but we should be skeptical. We want to trust the salesman, reporter, etc., but we need to listen and think. We also need to be aware of our own prejudices and cognitive biases, as well as the person you're arguing with. "I've learned more from my dogs" than any of the so-called "experts from on high."
Spence writes that you should always tell the truth. An admission on your part scores points with a jury while an exposure of yourself by your opponent undermines your case. Better to confess than be exposed and accused of hiding something.
Tell a complete story. Use pictures in your words. Do not appeal to the jury's intellect, but rather their emotions. Use simple language that paints vivid pictures. (He gives a wonderful example of how he did this in front of an audience hostile to his environmentalism, converting some to his side.) Practice putting emotion into your words. Think of certain situations where you have felt emotion X. Now pick a word you associate with that emotional situation. Say that word with the emotion you associate with that experience. Practice it in your car, the shower, etc. Practice growling, practice showing joy. Spence comes across like an old-time stump speaker or carnival barker; it's obviously effective. Make the "magical argument." "I know this man is innocent and I want badly to show you how I know..."
It is better to convince one person in your audience who will make a lasting change than your entire audience and they forget what you said by morning. "Winning" is the conversion of that one rather than the majority.
Spence concludes the book with great thoughts in regards to communication in marriage. If you want love or respect, you need to communicate love and respect. If you want a major life change, explain to your wife the entire story, what happens first, next, and what the end picture is ("... and we live happily ever after"). Spence regrets misspent years as a parent who saw his children as pupils rather than as independent individuals. He learned from his wife that it's better to show your children respect. If you want your children to respect you, show respect to them by giving them freedom to learn and fail, give them responsibilities, show them trust and watch them earn more. If you want to win the argument with your 16 year old, you have to star when he's 6. If you love unconditionally, people are more willing to listen to your argument-- the argument can be won without words.
The same principles apply at work. If you want respect from your boss, you must always demonstrate that you respect her. If asking for a raise, frame it in terms of the benefit to the company. "With a raise (tuition reimbursement, etc.), I will be able to devote less time to my outside activities, boost company productivity, increase profit, etc." Spence writes that corporations are amoral entities "No one has ever seen a corporation." The corporation exists to make certain people profit, so you win arguments with a corporation only by framing it in the interest of the shareholders.
I found this to be a highly entertaining and personally helpful read. I recommend it. 4 stars out of 5.
March 26, 2011
This is not a how-to book. Arguing is not a technique according to Spence. Instead, he has philosophies about the art of arguing. He shows that words do have power. He likes to tell stories to draw out his point in his arguments. He gives lots of examples and my favorite is when he relates them to his law practice experience. He said that arguing is about telling the truth and also giving your opponent respect. He says also that sometimes losing is winning. For instance, in a marriage, you may win by not arguing. You may suggest going out to dinner with your spouse even though you know you want to stay home and relax. Your wife thinks that it was very nice of you to want to go out to dinner with her, but she says that she is tired and prefers to stay home and that maybe another evening, you both can go out to eat. You agree, and you allow yourself to lose. However, really you win and get what you want which is to stay home and not go out to eat that evening. Gerry Spence has some interesting points of view and gives the reader a chance to re-look at things from a different perspective.
May 28, 2011
How to Argue and Win Every Time is a very interesting book by a superb lawyer. Gerry Spence lays out the way to win an argument on page 203. Some are common sense but here is the list. Prepare, Open the other to receive your argument, give the argument in the form of a story, tell the truth, tell the other what you want, avoid sarcasm, use logic but do not avoid creativity, never permit your opponent from taking control, state your weakest points at the beginning, and give yourself permission to win.
Using a story to make your argument is the greatest advice in this book. People listen to stories and are more likely to sympathize with you as a result. The idea is to get them to emphasize with your point. If you get that, you win.
Mr. Spence philosophizes a lot but has entertaining stories as well. You can’t help but to like him even if you don’t like the book.
Using a story to make your argument is the greatest advice in this book. People listen to stories and are more likely to sympathize with you as a result. The idea is to get them to emphasize with your point. If you get that, you win.
Mr. Spence philosophizes a lot but has entertaining stories as well. You can’t help but to like him even if you don’t like the book.
June 25, 2009
Like most books we get a lot from, this one found me exactly when I needed(it's a long story). Uncomfortable with confrontation, can't tell when you're point is being diverted or words put in your mouth, have trouble expressing yourself under pressure; then this book is for you. Goes into gracefully admitting when you're wrong and 'the biological advantage of presenting the truth'. I can't imagine going through that time in my life without the information and skills I learned from this one. Thanks Gerry, you're swell.
March 16, 2015
نویسنده کتاب جری اسپنس از وکلای پرآوازه ی امریکایی در مورد فوت و فن استدلال و برقراری ارتباطی مناسب با دیگران است.انچه سبب زیبایی دو چندان کتاب شده است اشاره های نویسنده به پرونده ها و موارد وکالتی در جای جای کتاب است که برای حقوقدانان مفید و کاربردی است.ترجمه و تلخیص آن بوسیله دکتر میر فخرایی صورت گرفته که اگرچه از متن اصلی فاصله گرفته ولی به زیبایی ان افزوده و از کاربرد اشعار و ضربالمثل های فارسی نیز دریغ نورزیده است
December 21, 2008
I am amazed that a book like this can be on any best seller list. The author seemed more interested in showing off his dazzling ability with words than actually conveying any meaningful knowledge. Don't waste your time.
April 1, 2009
Words to live by. A great book for anyone who is passionate about what they believe in and is looking for a way to fight for those ideals.
January 3, 2010
Amazing book that I read immediately after reading The Power of Now years ago. The parallels between the two books in terms of spirituality were so interesting to me.
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August 9, 2022"Winning is getting what we want, which is often includes assisting others in getting what they want" (25).
"No matter how skillfully we may argue, we cannot win when the Other is asked to decide against his self-interest" (86).
"Winning is sometimes appreciating the wisdom of tactical withdrawl, especially in the face of immutable prejudice--in the face of this impenetrable vault that locks the mind" (98).
"To open the Other to your argument, tell the truth. Be yourself. That's enough" (152).
"No matter how skillfully we may argue, we cannot win when the Other is asked to decide against his self-interest" (86).
"Winning is sometimes appreciating the wisdom of tactical withdrawl, especially in the face of immutable prejudice--in the face of this impenetrable vault that locks the mind" (98).
"To open the Other to your argument, tell the truth. Be yourself. That's enough" (152).
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February 15, 2009“How to argue and win every time” – Gerry Spence – Notes
The Lock: I am not a powerful person. Those I face are always more powerful than I. How can I win against them?
The Key: All power, yours and theirs, is yours.
Fear is our ally. Fear confirms us. Fear is energy that is convertible to power-our power.
If you feel your fear, you can also feel it’s power, and you can change it’s power to your power.
You have a power of your own that no one else can ever match.
We have become focused not on how to identify our own uniqueness, but on how to mimic the mark and style of others. We have been told that if we can look like others, we will be successful.
My life has been dedicated to poking around in the outer reaches of myself. In the same way that the universe unfolds as it is explored, so does my own. No sooner do I arrive at some new, inner galaxy than I can see heretofore unimagined worlds that invite further exploring. But the acceptance of external authority as my overriding authority blocks all discovery of the self. Such acceptance inhibits all growth and mimics death, for no act is more suicidal than casting aside one’s personhood and replacing it with the alien authority of another.
We have been locked in our closets by those who have sought not our love but our compliance, who have sought not our growth but our subservience.
What is power?
The power peculiar to each of us is that force that distinguishes each of us from all other beings. Our power permits us to grow and to fulfill our potential. It is the surf, the swell, the wave, the storm we feel in our veins that propels us into action. It is our creativity. It is our joy, our sorrow, our anger, our pain. This energy is our personhood-the extraordinary mix of traits and talents and experience that makes up the fingerprint of our souls.
The Lock: I am not a powerful person. Those I face are always more powerful than I. How can I win against them?
The Key: All power, yours and theirs, is yours.
Fear is our ally. Fear confirms us. Fear is energy that is convertible to power-our power.
If you feel your fear, you can also feel it’s power, and you can change it’s power to your power.
You have a power of your own that no one else can ever match.
We have become focused not on how to identify our own uniqueness, but on how to mimic the mark and style of others. We have been told that if we can look like others, we will be successful.
My life has been dedicated to poking around in the outer reaches of myself. In the same way that the universe unfolds as it is explored, so does my own. No sooner do I arrive at some new, inner galaxy than I can see heretofore unimagined worlds that invite further exploring. But the acceptance of external authority as my overriding authority blocks all discovery of the self. Such acceptance inhibits all growth and mimics death, for no act is more suicidal than casting aside one’s personhood and replacing it with the alien authority of another.
We have been locked in our closets by those who have sought not our love but our compliance, who have sought not our growth but our subservience.
What is power?
The power peculiar to each of us is that force that distinguishes each of us from all other beings. Our power permits us to grow and to fulfill our potential. It is the surf, the swell, the wave, the storm we feel in our veins that propels us into action. It is our creativity. It is our joy, our sorrow, our anger, our pain. This energy is our personhood-the extraordinary mix of traits and talents and experience that makes up the fingerprint of our souls.
August 1, 2013
Titles are everything. No matter what I can logically says, a good title can still convince me to check them out, whether it is a movie, book, game, or illegal narcotics.
“How to Argue and Win Every Time”? Sounds like a brilliant book! Even if it is 50% of what I think it is, that’s still great!
Unfortunately it is not even 2% of my expectations. I heard the title, and thought maybe it is a no bullshit sophist style book about the art of arguing, one of my favorite hobbies, and probably one of the qualities that turns people off the most. The author, a high profile lawyer, writes like a shitty tree hugging hippy. Usually, I wouldn’t use terms like that as an insult (I like hippies!) but the way he portrays himself, it BECOMES an insult, because it makes me want nothing to do with his approaches, his personality, and his belief.
You know what tips Mr High Profile Gerry Spence has for us? Here’s one. Go to the forest or wilderness and…make sounds. Oh yeah, and a winning strategy for winning arguments is this. Do you give yourself permission to lose. Yes, that’s it. Do not give yourself permission to lose.
The book is more about trying to put Spencer in a good, friendly, peace-loving, environment-blowing, tree-cuddling light than anything even remotely to the promise of the title.
“How to Argue and Win Every Time”? Sounds like a brilliant book! Even if it is 50% of what I think it is, that’s still great!
Unfortunately it is not even 2% of my expectations. I heard the title, and thought maybe it is a no bullshit sophist style book about the art of arguing, one of my favorite hobbies, and probably one of the qualities that turns people off the most. The author, a high profile lawyer, writes like a shitty tree hugging hippy. Usually, I wouldn’t use terms like that as an insult (I like hippies!) but the way he portrays himself, it BECOMES an insult, because it makes me want nothing to do with his approaches, his personality, and his belief.
You know what tips Mr High Profile Gerry Spence has for us? Here’s one. Go to the forest or wilderness and…make sounds. Oh yeah, and a winning strategy for winning arguments is this. Do you give yourself permission to lose. Yes, that’s it. Do not give yourself permission to lose.
The book is more about trying to put Spencer in a good, friendly, peace-loving, environment-blowing, tree-cuddling light than anything even remotely to the promise of the title.
August 12, 2013
Although the author's book purports to feature "arguing", the content translates well to the negotiations people encounter in their daily lives, with their employers, employees, customers, neighbors, friends and family.
Spence offers valid suggestions on how to properly frame a discussion, and his subjective strategies for being successful. Having negotiated business contracts and license agreements for parts of five, calendar decades, I can assuredly write that there is no, one, fool-proof strategy. Nevertheless, I enjoyed this relatively short, easy-to-read book and recommend reading it as it is yet another, logical source to consult if this subject interests you.
Whether you are an appelate lawyer arguing a brief, a local government official negotiating a services contract, or find yourself in a social circumstance that is not necessarily to your liking, it behooves you to initially put your ego aside and listen to (or read) what the other side is putting forward. Once they have committed, you can easily ascertain and discern a relevant strategy that will make you "successful", as Spence encourages.
An intelligent read.
Spence offers valid suggestions on how to properly frame a discussion, and his subjective strategies for being successful. Having negotiated business contracts and license agreements for parts of five, calendar decades, I can assuredly write that there is no, one, fool-proof strategy. Nevertheless, I enjoyed this relatively short, easy-to-read book and recommend reading it as it is yet another, logical source to consult if this subject interests you.
Whether you are an appelate lawyer arguing a brief, a local government official negotiating a services contract, or find yourself in a social circumstance that is not necessarily to your liking, it behooves you to initially put your ego aside and listen to (or read) what the other side is putting forward. Once they have committed, you can easily ascertain and discern a relevant strategy that will make you "successful", as Spence encourages.
An intelligent read.
February 17, 2016
First, everyone should read this book which is not relevant for just lawyers. Spence helps us understand that arguing is something we all engage in - disabuse yourself of any negative connotation of the word. Spence helps us see that arguing to win is simply communicating with a purpose - to get what you want (verdict, raise, compliant children etc). One of the great insights here is that when you walk in another's shoes you will not only get what you want through better arguments, but you will likely modify your goals as you empathize with the other! characteristically bold, fiercely antiestablishment, and always straight from the heart. Spence is a unique American who should be listened to.
June 2, 2012
If you think this is a handbook on verbal Kung Fu against an opponent - you will be disappointed. It's more of a help on how to understand the others POV, and advises when to NOT make an argument. Some of the chapters were more relevant than others for me, but enough to make it a worthy read. Especially the chapter on "how to win" against a Corporation, in short - you can't. It's basically an a moral entity, and the larger it gets, the harder and less likely people are to do the right thing. Why? because people tend to only tell their superiors what they want to hear, which is sometimes far removed from the truth...
needless to say, some people's POV makes more sense than others...
needless to say, some people's POV makes more sense than others...
August 22, 2015
Being a lawyer, I was looking for some new insights into the art of arguing that are more specific to my profession. But this book is more concerned with general nature of arguing in all spheres of life, including the court room.
Spence has laid great emphasis on show of emotions in one's arguments and he has also stressed the need of being honest and upright while arguing, thus he's an 'Anti-Machiavellian' sort of person and that reflects throughout his book.
Spence has laid great emphasis on show of emotions in one's arguments and he has also stressed the need of being honest and upright while arguing, thus he's an 'Anti-Machiavellian' sort of person and that reflects throughout his book.
June 5, 2010
This book impresses me greatly. I can tell by how many times a week I bring this book up in casual conversation. A thinking book - and as such, took a long time to read. Best digested a little at a time. Recommended to me by a special education parent advocacy group, but applicable everywhere. A book I may return to again.
January 26, 2008
The description makes a lot of promises and really carries through on them.
June 10, 2008
Exactly that - speak from the inner child. This lawyer doesn't have it down with m/f relationships, but his sense of how to live your life in other ways is profound.
October 4, 2008
What can I say - I love this man!
September 27, 2010
Re-mapping my brain, awesome book!! ahahahahahaha..
August 17, 2012
Insightful and fascinating. My take-away message from it: just tell the truth. It has nothing to do with arguing.
October 29, 2012
Very informative read. I read it awhile ago, but I still practice tidbits I learned from this book. I don't like to argue, but when I have to...I win 99.9% of the time!
July 25, 2020
Gerry Spence must be a *peach* to live with.
Inherited this from my father’s bookcase, read only half-ironically.
As a lawyer, I argue at work. As the youngest child on either side of my extended family, I argue in my personal life. Constantly. I, too, am a peach to live with.
Spence also loves arguing. Really, really, really loves arguing. He doesn’t just enjoy it— he deifies it. Arguing is what separates man from beast, he says; without it, our entire species would die off. It’s very dramatic. The whole book is dramatic. The imagery Spence provides is comically off-the-charts at times.
But, to be clear, he uses the term “arguing” very loosely. An actor, acting out a scene that makes you cry, is “arguing” for your empathy. And arguing doesn’t mean merely disagreeing. Disagreement for disagreement’s sake— rather than because you are trying to attain something you want— is not arguing. In fact, to Spence, sometimes “arguing” is just agreeing with your opponent. “Winning” is also a very loose term in Spence’s book. It doesn’t, for instance, mean your opponent loses. Or even that you have an opponent.
One thing I did really like: he views arguing as a natural expression of emotion, of showing to other people what matters to us. He doesn’t encourage arguing removed from emotion, relayed with cold hard logic. That’s not persuasive. Your emotion is the most valuable part of your argument, and he encourages self-awareness of that emotion, particularly for men, who are socialized to subdue their emotions.
And he encourages you to free yourself of the admonitions of authority figures (parents, teachers, etc.) that you swallowed as a child— don’t act up, don’t talk back, don’t have your own opinions, let’s just get through this day. That’s no way to go through life, Spence says— life is only fun if you’re allowed to disagree and have your own opinions. Arguing is, fundamentally, an expression of your right to your own voice.
And Gerry Spence definitely has a distinctive voice. I especially liked the chapters on “arguing” with children, and I think his suggestions there have a lot of merit, focusing on the children’s personhood and individual dignity.
Inherited this from my father’s bookcase, read only half-ironically.
As a lawyer, I argue at work. As the youngest child on either side of my extended family, I argue in my personal life. Constantly. I, too, am a peach to live with.
Spence also loves arguing. Really, really, really loves arguing. He doesn’t just enjoy it— he deifies it. Arguing is what separates man from beast, he says; without it, our entire species would die off. It’s very dramatic. The whole book is dramatic. The imagery Spence provides is comically off-the-charts at times.
But, to be clear, he uses the term “arguing” very loosely. An actor, acting out a scene that makes you cry, is “arguing” for your empathy. And arguing doesn’t mean merely disagreeing. Disagreement for disagreement’s sake— rather than because you are trying to attain something you want— is not arguing. In fact, to Spence, sometimes “arguing” is just agreeing with your opponent. “Winning” is also a very loose term in Spence’s book. It doesn’t, for instance, mean your opponent loses. Or even that you have an opponent.
One thing I did really like: he views arguing as a natural expression of emotion, of showing to other people what matters to us. He doesn’t encourage arguing removed from emotion, relayed with cold hard logic. That’s not persuasive. Your emotion is the most valuable part of your argument, and he encourages self-awareness of that emotion, particularly for men, who are socialized to subdue their emotions.
And he encourages you to free yourself of the admonitions of authority figures (parents, teachers, etc.) that you swallowed as a child— don’t act up, don’t talk back, don’t have your own opinions, let’s just get through this day. That’s no way to go through life, Spence says— life is only fun if you’re allowed to disagree and have your own opinions. Arguing is, fundamentally, an expression of your right to your own voice.
And Gerry Spence definitely has a distinctive voice. I especially liked the chapters on “arguing” with children, and I think his suggestions there have a lot of merit, focusing on the children’s personhood and individual dignity.
February 10, 2018
Essential information on freedom and self ownership. This book outlines how it is ourselves that provide ourselves security. This isn’t a how-to book, but instead it is a book on personal growth, assertiveness, when humility is important and what is worth arguing for. This book would far greater, and much easier to read, if Spence cut out most of the stories. But he is indeed a fan of stories. His other books are better and very important reading on the importance of liberty and freedom.
August 11, 2016
I really thought I would love this book, but I actually hated some parts. Likewise I both respected the author and at times hated him.
Some of the advice was excellent, work hard, research and know the facts but then speak from the heart, speak using emotion, people don’t change their mind based on logic – they change based on emotion and fill in a rational/logical explanation for the change later.
Openly identify the weaknesses in your argument upfront so that they are not darkly revealed by your opponent as though you have been lying or covering up the truth. They will have a lot less impact if you real these yourself and may even help you.
Make it clear to the judge or jury that they have all the power, the power to decide and explain what the impact of that decision will be on the life of your client.
Other great advice, know when not to fight/argue – this could be in personal relationships when you often lose by winning and can win by losing.
When people open up or reveal something difficult about their life say “that must have been hard/difficult/frustrating/lonely” etc… this can often win that person on side by showing empathy.
Listen
Ask questions
Speak from the heart
Have respect at all times, don’t tear people down
Speak from the heart, use emotions – people don’t want to side with a logical emotionless robot/Spock
Use the whole body when you speak passionately, don’t just stand there
Have the right mindset – you’ve got to believe you will win and don’t be intimidated by your opponent
Some advice I thought was pretty wacky:
Go outside in a park, take off your shoes and walk in nature, shout loudly and start singing….
Some advice I thought was excellent:
“It must have been pretty hard on your mother trying to raise a family by herself.” (The words It must have been are magical words that say to the other, “I understand how it was”)
“You bet.” Now the juror and I were on the same side
Any argument with a loved one:
--“I was told that anger stands for pain, that when a person is angry the person has been hurt. I want to know about your pain. I want to know about it before it injures us more.
--(You may get a surprised look. You may also get a sarcastic response, like, “For Christ’s sakes, has it come to this? What kind of crap are you reading now?” There really is a lot of pain, right? Press on.)
--“I am told that anger comes from loneliness or fear or frustration or guilt or jealousy or from some other kind of pain-that anger covers hurt. I do not want you to hurt. I do not want you to have pain. I need to know way you are hurting. I want you to tell me so I can do something about it. I want to do something about it because I love you. Will you please tell me?”
As Ralph Waldo Emerson reminded us, “the ancestor to every action is a thought” That thought proceeds action provides us with the opportunity to edit our language, our action, even in the heat of passion.
—So you detect anger—yours? Go pick up this book, turn to this
page—you marked it, remember? Now begin reading anew.
—START READING HERE:
You are not ready to deal with your anger yet.
Do nothing yet.
Say nothing.
Now say to the other, without anger, quietly: “I know you didn‘t want to hurt me, but when you said (whatever it was), I felt hurt.”
Or say, “When you did (whatever it was), I felt hurt.”
Practice this. It is not easy to do. If, however, whenever you recognize that you are angry you will get into the habit of stopping, and following the above exercise, you will eventually become skilled at dealing with your anger in a constructive, loving way that will enrich the relationship rather than wound or destroy it.
Some of the advice was excellent, work hard, research and know the facts but then speak from the heart, speak using emotion, people don’t change their mind based on logic – they change based on emotion and fill in a rational/logical explanation for the change later.
Openly identify the weaknesses in your argument upfront so that they are not darkly revealed by your opponent as though you have been lying or covering up the truth. They will have a lot less impact if you real these yourself and may even help you.
Make it clear to the judge or jury that they have all the power, the power to decide and explain what the impact of that decision will be on the life of your client.
Other great advice, know when not to fight/argue – this could be in personal relationships when you often lose by winning and can win by losing.
When people open up or reveal something difficult about their life say “that must have been hard/difficult/frustrating/lonely” etc… this can often win that person on side by showing empathy.
Listen
Ask questions
Speak from the heart
Have respect at all times, don’t tear people down
Speak from the heart, use emotions – people don’t want to side with a logical emotionless robot/Spock
Use the whole body when you speak passionately, don’t just stand there
Have the right mindset – you’ve got to believe you will win and don’t be intimidated by your opponent
Some advice I thought was pretty wacky:
Go outside in a park, take off your shoes and walk in nature, shout loudly and start singing….
Some advice I thought was excellent:
“It must have been pretty hard on your mother trying to raise a family by herself.” (The words It must have been are magical words that say to the other, “I understand how it was”)
“You bet.” Now the juror and I were on the same side
Any argument with a loved one:
--“I was told that anger stands for pain, that when a person is angry the person has been hurt. I want to know about your pain. I want to know about it before it injures us more.
--(You may get a surprised look. You may also get a sarcastic response, like, “For Christ’s sakes, has it come to this? What kind of crap are you reading now?” There really is a lot of pain, right? Press on.)
--“I am told that anger comes from loneliness or fear or frustration or guilt or jealousy or from some other kind of pain-that anger covers hurt. I do not want you to hurt. I do not want you to have pain. I need to know way you are hurting. I want you to tell me so I can do something about it. I want to do something about it because I love you. Will you please tell me?”
As Ralph Waldo Emerson reminded us, “the ancestor to every action is a thought” That thought proceeds action provides us with the opportunity to edit our language, our action, even in the heat of passion.
—So you detect anger—yours? Go pick up this book, turn to this
page—you marked it, remember? Now begin reading anew.
—START READING HERE:
You are not ready to deal with your anger yet.
Do nothing yet.
Say nothing.
Now say to the other, without anger, quietly: “I know you didn‘t want to hurt me, but when you said (whatever it was), I felt hurt.”
Or say, “When you did (whatever it was), I felt hurt.”
Practice this. It is not easy to do. If, however, whenever you recognize that you are angry you will get into the habit of stopping, and following the above exercise, you will eventually become skilled at dealing with your anger in a constructive, loving way that will enrich the relationship rather than wound or destroy it.
June 9, 2014
Another contender for longest on the shelf before reading. I got this book when I was a senior in high school in 1996 because I saw Spence on TV and I thought I was going to be a political science major and then go into law or diplomacy or something, so I got the book. But I studied history and theater. And through every move since, and there have been many, I have held on to the book, thinking that it would be a real shame to have purchased the book and then to get rid of it before reading it. Eventually, I would read it and then argue and win every time. So here we are.
It's funny, I could have read it earlier and it probably would have helped with theater and history. This could double as a book for actors, I was surprised at the extent to which the advice is the same. Be honest, always be listening, prepare, prepare, prepare and then all that preparation will let you be spontaneous and in the moment.
History lectures are kind of like arguments too. You need to deliver information in the form of a story, you need to be honest about the flaws in your argument. You can't just rely on writing everything down and reading it aloud, you'll bore everyone to death.
I appreciated that Spence was himself in the book too. He could have taken his own opinions out of the book and probably sold more copies...this seems like the sort of thing that you could conceivably water down to pure platitude and then sell for years at airports. But the way this is written, it could piss people off. I don't think a conservative would appreciate it much. Spence is clearly an environmentalist, he doesn't believe in the death penalty, he hates bankers and big business. He rags on bankers heavily throughout the book. But that's part of his thing here - you have to be yourself, you can't try to hide. People know when you're faking it.
It's funny, I could have read it earlier and it probably would have helped with theater and history. This could double as a book for actors, I was surprised at the extent to which the advice is the same. Be honest, always be listening, prepare, prepare, prepare and then all that preparation will let you be spontaneous and in the moment.
History lectures are kind of like arguments too. You need to deliver information in the form of a story, you need to be honest about the flaws in your argument. You can't just rely on writing everything down and reading it aloud, you'll bore everyone to death.
I appreciated that Spence was himself in the book too. He could have taken his own opinions out of the book and probably sold more copies...this seems like the sort of thing that you could conceivably water down to pure platitude and then sell for years at airports. But the way this is written, it could piss people off. I don't think a conservative would appreciate it much. Spence is clearly an environmentalist, he doesn't believe in the death penalty, he hates bankers and big business. He rags on bankers heavily throughout the book. But that's part of his thing here - you have to be yourself, you can't try to hide. People know when you're faking it.
January 1, 2024
To begin with let's not doubt the seemingly impressive talents and success by the author in his career as a lawyer which much requires the skill of putting forward a compelling argument and persuading others...
However this book was amazingly bland and poor in my opinion , some obvious good tips which are a tad common sense in my opinion but nowhere near better bang for your buck and time work by the likes of Robert Cialdini and do on...
This seemed like a textbook of such bland nature I'd expect from the 'for dummies' series versus a successful author and expert in the exact field the books written on
Hmmmm...
To Our Continued Success!
Seemy
Waseem.tv/Blog
👆🏼 P.S -
If you found this review helpful - I’d like to invite you to discover more on our blog. Where the community share some of our most important insights to level up each others knowledge 💡- from experience in studying books like this, training programs, podcasts and much more - visit the blog link above to find out more.
P.P.S 😅 - You probably noticed from my profile that I’ve reviewed a LOT of books over the years now - if you love seeking knowledge like me I’d love to connect with you further as a like minded person (send me a friend invite! 😀) - Also if you are curious - here is my preferred and recommended resource for seeking timeless wisdom - Check it out via the website invite link below 👇🏼 (You’ll be able to claim some awesome books for free 📚)
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However this book was amazingly bland and poor in my opinion , some obvious good tips which are a tad common sense in my opinion but nowhere near better bang for your buck and time work by the likes of Robert Cialdini and do on...
This seemed like a textbook of such bland nature I'd expect from the 'for dummies' series versus a successful author and expert in the exact field the books written on
Hmmmm...
To Our Continued Success!
Seemy
Waseem.tv/Blog
👆🏼 P.S -
If you found this review helpful - I’d like to invite you to discover more on our blog. Where the community share some of our most important insights to level up each others knowledge 💡- from experience in studying books like this, training programs, podcasts and much more - visit the blog link above to find out more.
P.P.S 😅 - You probably noticed from my profile that I’ve reviewed a LOT of books over the years now - if you love seeking knowledge like me I’d love to connect with you further as a like minded person (send me a friend invite! 😀) - Also if you are curious - here is my preferred and recommended resource for seeking timeless wisdom - Check it out via the website invite link below 👇🏼 (You’ll be able to claim some awesome books for free 📚)
https://Waseem.tv/GoodReadsBookInvite
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