Daniel’s Comments (group member since Dec 11, 2015)

Daniel’s comments from the Ask Daniel Petra group.

Fourteen years ago, I reached a new bottom and I found myself in Total Despair.
I realized that if I did not want to die, I needed to do something quick! Stanislav Grof’s book had been on my bookshelves for several years. I finally decided to read it. I felt that it was the answer to my situation. I began to understand what Holotropic Breath-work was about. I decided to try it.
A few weeks ago I took part in my 100th Breath-work. I truly believe that Holotropic Breath-work has contributed significantly to my life, and that it has been responsible for my healing and my growth. I am definitely a much better and much healthier and happier man than I was fourteen years ago.
In this book, Grof offers one of the most comprehensive description of the Human Psyche, in all its many complex and amazing aspects. In fact he provides us with a new Cartography of the Human Psyche, which gives us a map and the tools to become explorers of our own inner universe.
He describes in detail the four perinatal matrices: before, during and after child-birth. He explains in detail why what we experience in child-birth has been so crucial in imprinting us with the basic patterns into which we have grown up. He also provides us with the knowledge and the tools with which to heal ourselves from any traumas that have become imprinted and somatised in our being and in our psyche.
One of the basic principles of Holotropic Breath-work is that, in order to heal a trauma that is somatized in our beings, we need to be able to generate an emotional intensity that is equivalent to the one that originally created the trauma.
Usually traumas are generated (and somatized in our bodies) because we had dis-sociated from the pain and from the fear created by a traumatic event. During a session, we may be able to re-connect to this trauma, its pain and its emotion(s). If we remain connected to it, in full consciousness, and if we continue to breathe into it, we may begin to vaporize it and to heal it. We may do so at least at some level and to some degree. For a complete healing we may have to continue this process another time.
This book has completely changed my life. I hope that it might change yours. I most highly recommend it!

What I call the law of the “cookie-cutter” explains why so many of us have allowed ourselves to be unwittingly imprinted with behaviors and with patterns that are unhealthy and self-defeating. This imprinting is especially deep and especially difficult to overcome when it has occurred in childhood. This imprinting may also occur later in life. It may occur to just about any of us; it may occur either subconsciously or unconsciously. This imprinting may occur not only from love relationships. It may occur from any relationships that involve a certain degree of intimacy and of codependence, whether at home or at work.

From Missing Links, page 180

Our baggage
What I have dubbed the law of the “cookie-cutter” describes the origins of the old dysfunctional, codependent, unhealthy and self-defeating patterns that we swore never to repeat. These are the “toxic patterns” that create “toxic relationships.” When we are children, we learn by role-modeling,
absorbing the example of those who are in a dominant position. We do so just like a photographic plate absorbs light. We may do so unconsciously as well as consciously.

The law of the “cookie-cutter”

What we live › we learn
What we learn › we practice
What we practice › we become
what we become › has consequences

When we enter into an intimate relationship we bring with us all our “baggage” of habits, patterns and behaviors with which we have allowed ourselves to be “imprinted.” I refer you to one of my favorite movies: The Story of Us, starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeifer. The movie is an
absolutely wonderful and tender love story. It begins by showing how the parents are trying to hide from their children their decision to separate. It takes an unexpected turn when the couple discovers that they are both still deeply in love with each other.

At a certain point, there is an absolutely brilliant scene in which husband and wife both lie down on their marriage bed. Instead of making love, they start talking to each other in a way in which they had never done before. After a little while, one of their parents appears next to them and then
another parent ... until all four parents are lying in bed with them. This is a most vivid illustration of the law of the “cookie-cutter.” It shows just how deeply imprinted we are with the role-models that have most influenced us. We have been “molded” from a combination of the roles and patterns with which we have allowed ourselves to be imprinted. This has been happening since our earliest childhood ... for better and for worse.

From Missing Links, page 192

Please visit: www.danielpetra.com

There are many ways by which we may sabotage our own lives, our happiness, our health, our success and our relationships. The variety is actually quite amazing. It may range from a garden-variety bad habit and all the way to life-threatening addictions. It may range from the habit of procrastinating, to the lack of some basic social skill, such as talking too much, to any number of obsessive/compulsive behaviors …. all the way to chronic alcoholism and drug addiction. To begin to overcome bad habits I refer you to Missing Links, pages 78, 79 ff.

Missing Links is full of very practical and surprisingly effective tools for self-transformation and behavior modification. Because most of us lead very busy lives, I show how to proceed by tiny “Baby Steps” (B/S) and in thin “salami slices” (S/S) of time. I show how to do this in all aspects of our lives … at work, at home, as we drive, as we shop, and as we play.

A FEW BASIC SECRETS
• One of the basic secrets of self-transformation is that, before we can change a self-defeating behavior, we need to learn to minimize its « gravity, intensity and frequency ».
In my experience, trying to proceed too quickly and trying to find shortcuts usually only ends up being a huge waste of time and energy. We usually have to “bottom out” before we start to make any consistent progress.
• We also need to reduce the pressure on ourselves and have more pleasure and more fun. It is easier to make progress if we allow ourselves to make a game out of what we do.
• If we want to be truly happy, we need to learn to be satisfied with everything we do.
• We also need to learn to criticize ourselves less and empower ourselves more.
• Another secret of behavior modification is that: “frequency is more effective than quantity.”

For a Practical Guide to Overcome Self-Defeating habits please visit: www.danielpetra.com

I would love to have your candid feed-back and your comments.

THANK YOU

Daniel Petra

Melody Beatty makes it clear that there are many definitions of codependency. This is hers: “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior. She offers a very extensive, detailed and very practical list of codependent characteristics such as: caretaking – low self-worth – repression – obsessions – controlling behavior – denial – dependency – poor communication – weak boundaries – luck of trust – anger – sex problems etc. Dependency may be manifested in various ways, for example: codependents don’t feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves. I can certainly have identified with most of the characteristic for a very long time, especially with: weak boundaries. I have benefitted greatly from this book: very effective and very practical.

I am happy to report that, for the past several years, I have been able to avoid being trapped by codependent relationships. In Missing Links I ask the question, Our Relationships: are they Energy “suckers” or energy “busters”? See Missing Links, Chapter 10 and ff.

“Crazy Wisdom” is an absolutely natural and organic process that has been utilized by our ancestors for thousands of years. We can find many examples of “Crazy Wisdom” in tales, fables, myths and rituals etc. This is especially true of aboriginal cultures which our society tends to call primitive and savage. “Crazy Wisdom” may be used to great advantage not only in our personal lives but also, and especially in our more creative endeavors and projects. Playwrights, actors, cinematographers and artists of all kinds have utilized the process of “Crazy Wisdom” to create many of the world’s greatest masterpieces.

We can find some wonderful and very practical examples of “Crazy Wisdom” in the movie: The King’s Speech, starring Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena Bonham Carter & Co. The film shows how despair may provide the motivation that can finally drive us to seek the help that we need. I find that this movie is not only hugely entertaining and, at times quite hilarious, but that it also happens to be very practical. This movie illustrates quite vividly how unorthodox and, at times, quite surprising methods may bring about results that we may not have been able to obtain in any other way. In Missing Links I used this, and many other movies to illustrate how to effectively utilize natural, organic and creative processes in our lives.

Missing Links is quite original and it is full of “Crazy Wisdom”
Initially, I have been inspired and guided in how to take full advantage of “Crazy Wisdom,” by the works of the Mythopoetic Movement. Most especially by Robert Bly, Clarissa Pinkola Estes and Joseph Campbell. I have been benefitting from “Crazy Wisdom” for decades in my own personal life. “Crazy Wisdom” has also been inspiring and guiding me, in many wonderful ways, in the writing of Missing Links and of the books that will follow. In particular I refer you to Missing Links, Chapter 3, which deals with the Process of Paradox and to Chapter 7, which deals with Our Dance of Creativity.

Playful, easy to read and a lot of fun.
For example, in Missing Links I write about:
-How to use "Ring-a-Dingies."
-The process of: Creative “Beating Around the Bush.”
-The Movie in Reverse.
-The Law of the Cookie-cutter.
-Semi-Healthy and Intermediate Steps.
-Cheating Without Guilt.
-Our Relationships: “Are they Energy Boosters … or Energy Suckers?!”
-Fill’er up … P – L – E –A – S - E!
-How to proceed by "Baby Steps" and by "Thin Salami Slice" of time.
-Minimizing the Damage.(MTD).
-Trying to be as playful as little children … etc.

As you can see, there is a lot of "Crazy Wisdom" in Missing Links.
If you would like to look inside the book, I encourage you to visit our web-site at: www.danielpetra.com
I look forward to reading your comments and your feed-back.

THANK YOU

Daniel

There are some people who have great difficulty dealing with evil in their life. Some people even prefer to deny that there is such a thing as evil. M. Scott Peck states clearly that: “... we are all in combat against evil.” This book has helped me an awful lot to deal with evil. When faced with evil I used to become very angry. I used to have great difficulty dealing with anger. This book deals with many aspects of evil in ways that I find very helpful and practical. M. Scott Peck utilizes several actual case studies to illustrate his points. He also deals with such subjects as: Possession and exorcism. An examination of group evil. As well as the dangers presented by evil, in its many form. He makes me feel that there may be real hope to overcome evil in our lives.

Rather than criticize myself, I have learned to make a contract with myself in which I agree to congratulate myself even for the teeniest improvement … no matter how small. The process of contracting is an essential one. It requires that we become aware of our tendencies and of the patterns in which we are involved. It is also essential that we learn to start to forgive ourselves. As I found out, forgiving ourselves may not always be easy. Usually, in our very competitive and perfectionistic societies, we are far more used to criticize ourselves and others, than to forgive.

As long as I am going in the right direction, I consider that I am doing very well. If I have made mistakes, instead of punishing myself with guilt, I have learned to forgive myself and to Minimize The Damage (MTD). I have learned that before we are able to switch from the wrong tendency to the right one, we usually have to “bottom out.”

Over the years I have learned that, rather than criticize myself, it is essential that I congratulate myself for the “tiniest” progress that I am able to make. I have learned to congratulate myself even when my mistakes have become smaller. I have become able to congratulate myself even when I am able to reduce the damage that I have done, especially compared to the damage that I used to cause in the past.

Missing Links, Chapter 3, page 44

Please visit: www.danielpetra.com

Actually the title was the inspiration for a humorous maxim that has by now become accepted in twelve steps and other kinds of support groups: "I am not OK, you are not OK, and that's OK!"
This book deals with the multiple nature of human beings and it has been a great inspiration for me. For example, this book has helped me to increase my understanding of our Inner Characters and their interactions, especially our inner Mother, Father and Child. I find that this book has helped me to understand much better how my Total Self operates. Our Inner Characters are always active. I have learned to recognize them, to accept them and to deal with them much better.

Quite frankly I no longer care. More and more I tend to look at life and at relationships as theatre. The more I give myself permission to fully enjoy life as theatre, the more fun I have and the more playful I become. I have never had more fun in my life as I have right now!

Life can turn into theatre (whether comedy, drama or both) just about anywhere, just about any time: this includes our workplaces. Good leaders are able to take advantage of this in many ways: whether to resolve conflicts playfully or to inject some fun, comedy and vitality into the workplace. Theatre, drama and comedy, when they are utilized properly, can “light the fire” in our hearts and give us all a much needed boost.

Making a game out of our relationships
It is a lot easier to enjoy life, and especially our relationships, if we are able to make a game out of it.
It is a lot easier to make a game out of our relationships if we are able to see life as a stage and at our relationships as theatre. “As if” we were playing and acting in a never-ending series of plays, of scenes and of games … Personally I no longer know where life ends and theatre begins, or where theatre ends and life begins. I just allow myself to enjoy the process as much as possible.

I wholeheartedly agree with William Shakespeare when he writes in As You Like It (II, 7):

“All the world’s a stage, and all men and women merely players.”

When we look at life as a tragic comedy and at our relationships as plays, we may start to take ourselves a lot less seriously. We may start to see some of the possibilities by which we may begin to change ourselves and to heal our relationships. It becomes easier for us to stop blaming and to begin to change our patterns.

From Missing Links, Chapter 12, page 199

Most of us are familiar and we have probably utilized the following strategy at least sometimes:
"Hope for the best and prepare for the worst!" This book deals with one of my favorite paradoxes.
On the one hand, I consider myself to be a very optimistic person. On the other hand I like to be realistic and prudent and I do want to be ready for the worst ... just in case. This book has been extremely validating and empowering for me because it has helped me to overcome any guilt that I may have felt about not feeling obliged to always think positively. This book also deals with it the following paradox in Chapter 7. No Size Fits All: Different Folks, Different Strategies. This book totally complements and reinforces what I have myself written about paradox in Missing Links in Chapter 3. I strongly recommend it!

Entertaining and inspiring movies are the result of a collective process of creativity which may involve some of the most talented and creative people on our planet. As I have already shared in Chapter 12, I tend to
agree completely with Shakespeare when he writes in As You Like It, ( II, 7):“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.”
Quite often I don’t know where life ends and theatre begins and vice versa, and ... quite frankly, I no longer care. A wonderful example of this can be found in Robert Altman’s film Cookie’s Fortune, starring Glenn Close, Julianne More & Co. I find that life is a never-ending adventure and that
good movies are a wonderful extension of our lives. Movies and theatre are a wonderful way to learn more about ourselves, about others and about the world in which we live. At the same time we are also being entertained. I often refer to movies because they are easily accessible to most of us. They can be viewed in our homes, and we can enjoy them even when we are tired. When I buy movies I try to buy only those movies that inspire me, that educate me and that I find entertaining. The movies I watch over and over, are the movies that are the most entertaining and the most inspiring. I find that movies are one of the most readily available and one of most effective sources of information, entertainment and inspiration. For more on this I refer you to the book The Motion Picture Prescription, by Gary Solomon.

One of the most de-humanizing characteristics of our modern societies is the degree to which so many of us are trapped in a state of almost constant over-competitiveness. This state of over-competitiveness tends to constantly build up pressure within us, and may be one of the main causes of stress, heart disease and many other chronic illnesses. Do we really need to compete with “Superman” or “Superwoman”?

Excessive expectations?
I used to place on myself “enough weight to crush an elephant!” I learned to do this from my parents, who were both perfectionists and overachievers. I kept adding to my unrealistic and excessive expectations until I became so crushed by the weight that I felt almost totally paralyzed.

“Less pressure … more pleasure.”

One of the best ways to get started along the road of self-transformation and behavior modification is to learn to minimize excess pressure and to welcome more pleasure into our lives. Instead of pushing ourselves
to do more and more, why not try to “let go” a little bit and take some time to “smell the roses along the way.” What good is all the money and power if we can never feel satisfied? Why not try to accept a little bit less “success,” and learn to enjoy a little more “happiness” instead? One of the books that has made a huge difference in my life is one of Harold Kushner’s best-sellers:

When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough

One of the most common ways of hurting ourselves and of deepening our “Inner Void” consists of not being satisfied with what we already have. Instead of being satisfied with what we have, many of us keep trying to accumulate more and more, and we don’t know when or how to stop. A truth that is often repeated in the human potential movement is that: “There is great power in wanting what we already have.”

From Missing Links, page 5

Please visit: www.danielpetra.com

Creative “beating around the bush” is a process that I allow myself to utilize when I find that I keep procrastinating ... when I feel that the resistance to accomplishing some tasks is increasing. In cases such as these, I usually have a tendency to avoid doing what I need to do. I am constantly tempted by other tasks and by other activities. I have discovered that if I allow myself to work on the tasks by which I am tempted, I usually end up accomplishing them, one after the other, even if they are not urgent. This is because these tasks are usually easier, and they require less time to accomplish. Having made progress on a series of smaller tasks, I usually find that I have gotten myself mobilized. My energy rises and I feel motivated once again.

The process of sublimation
The secret of creatively “beating around the bush” is that there is a process of “sublimation” that is taking place. This is a process that allows us to accomplish a bunch of other tasks in exchange for not dealing with the tasks which we are resisting. The part of our Total Self that was resisting, is content because we have allowed it to procrastinate. The part of our Total Self that needed to be productive, is rewarded by getting tasks accomplished and by creating “room” in our future schedule.

A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO OVERCOME PROCRASTINATION
To look inside Missing Links and to view our Practical Guides to overcome obsessive/compulsive behaviors and self-defeating habits, please visit our web-site at: www.danielpetra.com

Copyright © 2015 by Daniel Petra

Here are a few of them:

• Moby Dick
• Frank Capra’s: It’s a Wonderful Life
• From Here to Eternity
• To Kill a Mocking Bird
• Cannery Row
• Miss Daisy`s Chauffeur
• Fried Green Tomatoes
• The Help
• Beaches
• A Dangerous Method
• Biloxy Blues
• You Can`t Take it With You
• Etc.

I also adore movies that are based on real life events such as:

• Awakenings
• We Bought a Zoo.
• Invictus.
• The Devil Wears Prada.
• A River Runs Through It
• Julie & Julia
• The King’s Speech
• Cross Creek
• The Young Victoria
• Etc.

In Missing Links I often refer my readers to good movies such as the ones above.

Please visit: www.danielpetra.com

Dear Shannon,
I sincerely appreciate your favorable comment!
Have you had the chance to read Missing Links yet?
Please keep in touch ...
Daniel

“This incredibly comprehensive book raises the most important questions of our time. If you are looking for inner growth and fulfillment, you should definitely read this book. It points out the lack of authenticity and wisdom that prevents us from living our lives to the fullest.
The author approaches critical subjects in a conversational tone and delivers what can be best described a personal development course in the form of a book or a portable workshop. This book is ideal for people who like to preserve their privacy (and their dignity) and hate having to talk to someone about their issues and shortcomings, but are serious about overcoming them.
The goal of the book is not only to achieve certain feats but also to sustain them and experience growth holistically and continually. It is about the realizations and the actions which guide us on the path of living life in more effective and fruitful ways as individuals and as a species. The author provides guidance while sharing his own experiences in context. The ultimate goal, of course, is to feel consistently satisfied with oneself and one’s life, something that so many people today are sorely lacking”.

By Katarina Nolte
Author of several books including: 100 Steps to a Lean Body.

Appeared on NetGalley, on Katarina Nolte’s site and on Twitter - 2013

OVERCOME BAD HABITS AND OBESESSIVE/COMPULSIVE BEHAVIORS

I have created a series of free Practical Guides on:

• How to Overcome Procrastination
• How To Overcome Eating Disorders
• How To Quit Smoking Without Suffering
• How to Overcome Depression

More Practical Guides are on the way soon!

You may download them from our website at: www.danielpetra.com

A FEW BASIC SECRETS
• One of the basic secrets of self-transformation is that, before we can change a self-defeating behavior, we need to learn to minimize its gravity, intensity and frequency. I call this, the process of Minimizing The Damage (MTD). In my experience, trying to proceed too quickly and trying to find shortcuts, usually only ends up being a huge waste of time and energy. We usually have to “bottom out” before we start to make any consistent progress.
• We also need to reduce the pressure on ourselves. We need to have more pleasure and more fun. It is easier to make progress if we allow ourselves to make a game out of what we do.
• If we want to be truly happy, we need to learn to be satisfied with everything we do.
• We also need to learn to criticize ourselves less and empower ourselves more.
• Another secret of behavior modification is that: “frequency is more effective than quantity.”

Missing Links, Chapter 1
OUR CONTRACT
Rather than criticize myself, I have learned to make a contract with myself in which I agree to congratulate myself even for the teeniest improvement … no matter how small. The process of contracting is an essential one. It requires that we become aware of our tendencies and of the patterns in which we are involved. It is also essential that we learn to start to forgive ourselves. As I found out, forgiving ourselves isn’t easy. In our very competitive and perfectionistic societies, we are far more used to criticize ourselves and others, than to forgive.
Missing Links, Chapter 3, page 44

Please visit: www.danielpetra.com