Asa’s Comments (group member since Jun 24, 2024)

Asa’s comments from the Beta Reader Group group.

Yeah 2 of the 3 of them were I just checked. Thanks for the heads up!!

Thank you guys! I will send a copy each your way. I greatly appreciate it!!

Hey beta-readers, I am looking for some feedback and critique on part 1 of a trilogy entitled "The Mazakian" which features ruthless combat, cruelty, deception, and a nation doomed to a fate often worse than death for the actions of a few.

There are a few content warnings:

Descriptive violence, blood, gore, and death, mild sexual content, mild language

Blurb:

The Esanian Empire is tossed once more into the horrors of war after the murder of Queen Ilektra. Bêorth, the Lord of Esan, blinded by his own rage, forces his weary legions across decrepit wastelands to the very gates of Nauryth, a land like Hell upon the earth. Izmeloth, the Lord of the Norvir, an immortal spirit like a fallen god, awaits their coming in all his might. The Mazakian rides with their host, his sword a legend across the stretches of the Empire, but within his bosom lingers a dark soul with a heinous secret. The goddess of Gehennoreb watches as the war unfolds, her wraith and minions walking amongst the living to spread their dominion like a cancer. She is watching, waiting for the Crown of Nauryth to be brought into her hands. The terrors of war, demons and unspeakable beasts lurk in the depths of every shadow…the shadow of the Mazakian.

What I am requesting:

Honest feedback on what you think of the story, the overall flow, if anything is confusing or off-putting, plot holes, character arcs. The answer to all of these will give me what I am most looking for, and that is your opinion.

Please remember this is part 1 of a trilogy, so somethings are left unexplained and will not be made clear until later on in the series. That being said, if anything leaves you totally confused, please let me know.

I have combed through this manuscript for the past 7 years, and have finally brought it to a place I think to be acceptable. In its fullness, the original novel came in a 260k words, and thus I was advised to break into a trilogy. Parts 2 and 3 are currently being edited further.

Format of the book will be a google doc. I will assign you as a commenter.

If you are interested, please send me a DM or comment below and I'll be in contact with you. I greatly appreciate your time and feedback

Thanks!

Genre: High Fantasy
Length: 250k words/ 42 chapters

Content warnings: Some scenes can be gruesome in nature with a dark theme riddled throughout. There are sexual references, but nothing erotic.


Led by a king who has lost his sanity, the legions of Esan march towards the decrepit city of Nauryth to face an age old enemy of the world after the murder of Queen Ilektra. When the city is sacked and the Crown of Iron Thorns is taken by the king, the terrors of the Empire are not over, but just beginning. Misfortune follows as the Crown is brought back to the city of Ulchyzia, and death comes in the form of ice and fire...and a hound from Hell. In the wiles of chaos, the Crown is stolen, and Vikonomê, a slayer of demons and knight of a foreign realm, takes the task upon himself to retrieve it. He pursues the ancient dread and ventures into wild lands full of peril. It will take him to the ends of the earth and beyond where death lurks around every bend. Treachery follows on the heels of each step and the fallen goddess watches his every move from afar as he races towards a harrowing revelation...towards her very throne.

Looking for feedback on overall flow, readability, and what you like/dislike or if there are any parts that do not make sense.

Note: The prologue is quiet lengthy, and I plan to edit much of it out, but I do need a second opinion maybe on what to keep/omit. There are a few chapters that I am working on splitting at certain points as they are lengthy as well, but the material is there and I plan on keeping it.

Yes that sounds much better! Thanks so much!

Led by a king who has lost his sanity, the legions of Esan march towards the decrepit city of Nauryth to face an age old enemy of the world after the murder of Queen Ilektra. When the city is sacked and the Crown of Iron Thorns is taken by the king, the terrors of the Empire are not over, but just beginning. Misfortune follows as the Crown is brought back to the city of Ulchyzia, and death comes in the form of ice and fire...and a hound from Hell. In the wiles of chaos, the Crown is stolen, and Vikonomê, a slayer of demons and knight of a foreign realm, takes the task upon himself to retrieve it. He pursues the ancient dread and ventures into wild lands full of peril, but little does he know it will take him to the ends of the earth and beyond where death lurks around every bend. Treachery follows on the heels of every step and the fallen goddess watches his every move from afar as he races towards a harrowing revelation...towards her very throne.

I would love for a few readers to give me their thoughts on this novel. I have spent the last six years working on this book and believe I am finally ready for others to give some feedback. Everything as of now is in Scrivener, but I'm sure I can export in many formats to send out. The blurb above was written in about five minutes. Honestly there is so much going on in the book that I find it overwhelmingly difficult to sum it all up in a couple hundred words. I am hoping that my readers can give feedback on the blurb as well as I have not yet written a formal one that I would consider to be ready for publishing. Thank you all so much.