Review Group discussion
General discussion
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Jokes, all jokes, and nothing but jokes....
Here's the first-- via Jay [It's actually just more of a funny note than a joke, but let's not get into poetic forms here....]:A new phenomenon called E-MOONING
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
I LOVE the ASSICONS! This is the best Group I've met in the brief time (sometimes it seems glacially long) I've been on Goodreads. Usually it feels like a penal colony here. I want to share a blonde joke that I used to tell...
P.S I'm a blonde with a Ph. D., so I get to tell blonde jokes.
Here goes..
Q. What is the difference between an intelligent blonde and Big Foot?
A. There have been sightings of Big Foot.
Yeah, I'm now looking for appropriate places to use Assicons...
OK, to complete my post...Boobicons
(o)(o) Perfect breasts
( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) Perky breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) Pierced Breasts
(p)(p) Hanging Tassels Breasts
\ o /\ o/ Grandma’s Breasts
( – )( – ) Against The Shower Door Breasts
| o | | o | Android Breasts
($)($) Martha Stewart’s Breasts
(oYo) Wonderbra breasts
Anyone got the male equivalent? (!!)
Anne wrote: "I LOVE the ASSICONS! This is the best Group I've met in the brief time (sometimes it seems glacially long) I've been on Goodreads. Usually it feels like a penal colony here. I want to share a bl..."
I literally laughed out loud at my desk on this one. Thanks for posting it!
You probably know this one Anne:What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
PS I can't quite match you - a BA and I'm an ex-redhead who's faced the years fading me out to strawberry blonde. I wonder if eventually I'll be Snow White?
Now I have two blonde jokes in my repertoire! (I don't get out much.)
Jay wrote: "this one will probably catch you too, Mike:http://i.imgur.com/wY5N2.jpg"
lol -- She's not breaking any new records with
either. Poor JK....
Q: Why do blondes prefer cars with sunroofs?.moor-gel eht ekil yeht esuaceB :A
Mike wrote: lol -- She's not breaking any new records with either. Poor JK...."I just read the description. It sounds really dull.
K.A. wrote: "Mike wrote: lol -- She's not breaking any new records with either. Poor JK...."I just read the description. It sounds really dull."
Interesting reviews:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Casual-Vaca...
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ETA: You know your book is bad when it winds up as an aside in a joke thread. (okay -- hijack over -- everyone go home. there's nothing more to see here. move along....)
Here's an old one for you (but I still giggled all over again!)http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/just4...
Attendance call on the first day back at school in Birmingham, UK.The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
"Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Here."
"Fatima Al Chadoury? "
"Here."
"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
"Here."
"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
"Here."
"Mi Cha El Mey Er" ... Silence in the classroom.
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated, "Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?"
A boy at the back shyly rose and said in a small voice, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me; it's pronounced Michael Meyer."
Do magazines really have to add "Alive" to "Sexiest Woman" or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?
I have an awful suspicion the latter might be true... I lost some of my naivety when I googled for info on Somerset College of Arts and Technology by its local commonly used acronym. Very embarrassing as I was in work at the time lol!
Jay wrote: "Attendance call on the first day back at school in Birmingham, UK.The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
"Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?"
..."
lol -- good one! :)
Jay wrote: "I have an awful suspicion the latter might be true... I lost some of my naivety when I googled for info on Somerset College of Arts and Technology by its local commonly used acronym. Very embarra..."
NEVER google Zucchini Recipes.
Oh, now I HAVE to google it. What a bummer!
And googling Canoeing Events leads to paddling which leads to...
Just saw this on my fb wall and thought it was funny:A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'..
The old guy obeys and says, "99"..
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99"..
Again, the old guy says, '99'.."
The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'..
The old guy begins,
"One....
two…
three…"
You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!
Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails' and 'highballs'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thank you for this one, Jay. This was a definite keeper.
Thanks Jay, that's so hilarious and smart. With my ad background I can truly appreciate it!
The comments under the NewsThump article are pretty funny, too - NewsThump must be like The Onion, which always pulls at least a few people in...
Two blondes walk into a bar heatedly debating the finitary consequences of the invariant subspace problem regarding the special case of Argyros & Haydon.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
Adult Scrabble...Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.
P N E S I
People who wrote SPINE became doctors...
The rest are all my e-mail friends...
Oh, Jay, that last one had me actually crying with laughter! My dogs were all concerned and tried to crawl in my lap!
It totally cracked me up! I can just imagine what my Salukis would have made of my reaction.
Watch for the cyclist in the video http://www.thewestonmercury.co.uk/new...
Apparently the council forgot to close the gates on a £29m defence structure – oops!
COWSSOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
WRITERSYou have two cows.
You endlessly debate their character and motivations, forget to feed them and they die. But they receive a beautifully worded eulogy as the leaping fingers of crimson and burnt orange sear the cringing flesh that blackens and shrinks from the twin carcasses on the funeral pyre.
PARAPROSDOKIANS... are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
And mine is.........
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
!!!I was just looking for a really simple way to describe the difference between socialism and communism! (To certain acquaintances)I think this is a Papro...that thing:
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Attributed to Groucho Marx.
Spooky!Just don't get your socialism mixed up with your surrealism.
Irony: The opposite of Wrinkly. (Sorry, but someone had to do it.)
Someone posted this on my Facebook page:i before e except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor
Are you sure someone had to do it, Annette? (! tee hee!)
Review Group
Books mentioned in this topic
The Casual Vacancy (other topics)The Casual Vacancy (other topics)
The Casual Vacancy (other topics)
You know you've got them. Don't save them for the bar or office (which could be one and the same if you happen to be one of those writers who has a bar in your office) -- share them here!
[Just keep it PG, if you don't mind.]