Write, Wrote, Written discussion

Alice, this is really good. The imagery is intense and you have an undercurrent of emotion building underneath it, flowing at the right rate, carrying it to the deep pool at the ending.

Read it out loud to yourself and I think you might hear a couple of places where a little tweaking/word arrangement, choice, addition and subtraction could make it come to full bloom. It's almost there. So close!

This is so close to perfection that I couldn't not comment :-)

Renee wrote: "Alice, this is really good. The imagery is intense and you have an undercurrent of emotion building underneath it, flowing at the right rate, carrying it to the deep pool at the ending.

Read it ou..."

The line, "golden joints where sound lingers" tripped me up, made me think of squeaky knees and broke the spell a little. Try reading it with "silence" in place of sound and see how it flows to you. The second syllable keeps to the rhythm you've established, too.

Then go to the last three lines. That beautiful rhythm faltered there when I read it, and more so when I re-read it aloud.

Wrapping up the end of a poem is always, ALWAYS the trickiest part.

Perhaps "breaking free," and then a descriptive word instead of "their?" And then I struggled with the next line.

It's SO close, and I think it could wind up being a great contender in a serious poetry contest. For me, it conjures images like Ciro Marchetti's tarot art.

It's always good to step away from something for awhile and then come back to it. You get to see with fresh eyes.

Are there any sort of writing groups or workshops near you? Interacting with other writers can help you see your writing with more clarity and advance your skills. Even if some of the feedback you get isn't relevant (and it won't be, after all, it is YOUR writing and only you know what you are trying to say with it), you'll find it gives your mind a noodge, sometimes down pathways you'd never have found alone. You won't necessarily take the exact advice given, or agree with the critique at all, but you'll get things out of it that will inspire you and make you better.

Alice wrote: " Magnificent Creatures


Metal hearts and steel bones,

Figures born from twisted stone,

Ruby eyes and silver fingers,


Golden joints where silence lingers,

Copper hair and emerald brains,

Break..."

Hi Alice I really like your writting I think you have a good train of thought with you rhyming, Ideas and sentence structure that put together makes it interesting and makes people want to read more. Keep writing because I'm sure a lot of people would love to read more of your writing as I do.
Also I would love to know what you think about my writting if you wanted to check it out. :) :D

I really like these!

Like it!