Terminalcoffee discussion

Phil gave me this idea to start this thread, because we were discussing Rihanna in the fashion thread.

Anyway what's your thoughts/ ideas and perceptions of idiot people who claim that women in abusive relationships "ask" or "deserve" to treated the way they do (i.e. beaten up, humiliated etc). And those who make jokes about it.

Should it be ignored or should there be more "social awareness" to elicit change of attitudes for the masses. Personally I think too much "awareness" without sustainability is more of a hindrance than actually resolving certain situations. Any takers?

Hmm, I think I should edit the post + title again.

hey, could any of you moderators delete this thread. Please?

I think I had to put it on the question category. Sorry about that.

Rihanna got beat up by her boyfriend on what was meant to be a huge night for her career.

The abuser was sentenced to a fine and 240(?) hours of community service. There is now evidence that he FAKED the reports he turned in to show he completed the community service.

Rihanna is still dating him.

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I say the abuse is entirely on him, but by maintaining an intimate relationship with him she is enabling the abusive behavior. By faking his community service, he has shown that he does not have remorse for what he did. It's quite likely he will beat her up again.

If he does beat her up again, who is "at fault?" Is it Rihanna, for placing herself in that situation, knowing the danger? Is it the abuser, because the one who strikes is always at fault? Is it something else?

I *think* that's what the basic question is.

Yep, that's what I'm getting to. But both are to blame. Because they are celebs and people worship them. Its the whole issue about being a role-model etc. And other things. But what's irritating about the whole issue is the fact that she came back to him because she "loves" him. Mothereffing seriously. Read all this in Heat magazine last year when I went to the hair salon.

Whats worse is that she has MONEY, she could leave him at will. Unlike the majority of women who are dependent on the man's funds. (referring to the SA context). Dunno what abuse stats are like in the States.

^^^ Yes, this.

And it's exhausting and hard to watch and it is difficult not to pass judgement on the person who is staying in the relationship, but it's so much bigger than what you can see or understand.

Also, the abuser is an asshole of the highest degree EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

It's not like when you were fighting with your siblings and walked across the living room kicking and doing windmill arms and if your sister happened to be in your way, it was her fault if she got kicked/hit.

Very true, BW. Still in the minority for sure, but it seems like it is increasing.

You guys made this worth coming in here to see. So very many good points and information about a topic that can be difficult to address.

I have had friends, one male and one female, who were in abusive relationships. Both started out with emotional abuse, belittling comments, just being gradually stripped of any self esteem. Then the physical stuff started. Both were told the EXACT same thing, "No one will ever love you like I do!"

My reaction to that is, "Uh, good!"...but they didn't hear what I heard in that comment. They heard, "No one besides me will ever love you." Still, I'd rather be alone forever than with someone like that! But, my friends didn't see that at the time, neither of them. They can see it now, but not then.

One got out. One is still with the abuser, but she has woken up and started to get her self back as well as standing up to her husband. At first it made things worse, but when he saw that it didn't matter, he couldn't intimidate her, he backed off. It's all about control with him.

I have to admit, it has been hard for me to support her decision to stay. I love her, and I'm here if she needs me, but it is hard not to want to shake her till her eyes roll. But, I don't live her life, I can't make her choice. Maybe it is best for her three kids. I don't really know how aware the kids are of what is happening. Would I want to be a single mother of three? Not really, no. What a support system looks like makes a difference as well. Where I support my friend with love and the fact that I'd take her and all three kids if she came here, she lives a couple thousand miles away from me and that may not feel like a solid option for her. (I have tried to get her to.)

It's hard. It's hard not to want to say vile things about her husband. AND, he is supposed to be a Christian! Bastard.

My guy friend, well that chick was just plain crazy. Actually she is still crazy. She recently tried to contact him and basically started the same old crap. I blasted her. She hasn't bothered to make any further contact. She knows she can't bully me. It's sad how he still reacts like it's normal to be treated that way! It has been years. Jeesh, I turned into scary momma bear when it happened. I could actually feel my blood pressure go through the roof. Had she been physically near me I would have had a hard time showing any "turn the other cheek" behavior. I have a few friends that are really, really close, I protect them pretty fiercely. You can do whatever you want to me, but mine? No.

I think one would have to feel depressed in that situation as well, and depression can be a crippling thing.

The lyrics from a recent Rihanna song ("Stay") could be addressing this. The video is a little disturbing.

All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot headed believer
I threw my hands in the air said show me something
He said if you dare come a little closer
Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now tell me now, tell me now tell me now, you know

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
And it take me out the way
I want you to stay

It's not much of a life you're living
It's not just something you take it's given
Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now tell me now, tell me now tell me now, you know

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
And it take me out the way
I want you to stay

The reason I hold on
Cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one
But I'm the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the light
It's hard to know which one of is caving

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
And it take me out the way
I want you to stay
Stay
I want you to stay

Me too, Barb. Me too.

It is indeed a difficult topic to understand fully, especially if we are judging it from afar. Most of us, I hope, do not speak from experience. It is mostly a hypothetical question. What would I do as a man if I witnessed this abuse? If I were a woman in this situation, I would surely leave or react a certain way.

There is wisdom in listening to people who have lived and survived such trauma. When Themina Durrani, a Pakistani woman married to a famous politician, was asked if humanity is intrinsically indifferent or compassionate regarding domestic abuse, she responded: " It should be compassionate because everybody has the same feelings. [...] it should be ... however it is indifferent because everybody is caught up with their own survival, with their own circumstances".
See at the 4:20 mark http://dawn.com/2013/02/21/tehmina-du.... Her story is both tragic and uplifting.