(Tony and Clarke haven't seen one another since their college days in 1987)
THE REUNION ___________
(Knock on door)
Tony: damn. Just when I was about to orgasm. Never fails. Where can I stash these surgeon's gloves?
(More knocking)
Tony: hold your horses. Where's my jockstrap? Oh, there it is. Coming! Or at least I was about to before you knocked. I may hit this person.
(Opens door)
Tony: okay this better be good. Holy shit!
Clarke: Tony! It's you. I finally found you. Oh, you look so handsome. God save the queen!
Tony: Is that you, Clarke? I mean...is it really you?
Clarke: Yes, it's me, it's me. May I pee?
Tony: uh, excuse me? What?
Clarke: it was a long flight. This huge lardass hogged the toilet all the way.
Tony: come in, come in. My God. I'm in shock. Leave your hip boots at the door.
Clarke: just give me two seconds to wee wee and then we can talk, okay?
Two Hours Later _______________
Clarke: that was refreshing. Nice butterflies on your toilet seat. And what a powerful flush. Almost sucked my buttock hairs off.
Tony: that was fast.
Clarke: well I did say two seconds. Cute lamps!
Tony: what do you have, a dick or a turbo blaster jetstreamer?
Clarke: you haven't lost your snide sense of humor. Love your home. Hate your language.
Tony: thank you. Sit down, please.
Clarke: why thank you.
Tony: not there, there's a tac.
Clarke: oh. Here?
Tony: sure. There are three tacs there. Lower it.
Clarke: so tell me, how long have you been living here in your very own house?
Tony: three years. Uh, Clark...
Clarke: paid for? Rented? Stolen?
Tony: what?
Clarke: the house.
Tony: uh, almost paid for.
Clarke: did you finally go into doctorhood?
Tony: I'm an M.D., yes. Now Clarke, I was wondering....
Clarke: love the sofa. Plush. Fake, over-stuffed, but I love anything plush. You were about to say something? Cute cushions, yeseeee!
Tony: yes, twice, I...
Clarke: well, what is it then? Out with it. Mind if I pass wind?
Tony: fart away.
Clarke: oh don't use those lewd slang words. Ahhh....refreshing. Now you may speak.
Tony: are you sure I'm allowed?
Clarke: it is your house. And did I mention what a dynamo house it is? So American. So many knack knicks, yes.
Tony: knick knack.
Clarke: who's there?
Tony: oh, never mind! How did you find me, Clarke?
Clarke: guess. Pretend we're on Jeopardy!
Tony: um, I'd rather hear it from you. Save a lot of time, you know, and voice...especially yours.
Clarke: yes, a voice is a terrible thing to waste.
Tony: oh, how did you get here, dammitt!!!??
Clarke: really, I never! No need to get huffy. Are those gum drops? And are those real gums?
Tony: no. Snake eyes. And no, false teeth-ivory.
Clarke: oh, then I'll pass. Pass out. Snake eyes!!! AAAAHH!
(PLOP. Clarke collapses)
Tony: maybe if I dump him out front and stick a stamp to his forehead, the postman will ship the shit back to England. I never thought I'd see him again. Just when I got my hearing back and my sanity restored. Of...Fuck, Clarke! (Kick!)
Later _____
Tony: Clarke? Clarke, are you okay? That was a pretty nasty fall to the floor.
Clarke: oh...oh...I'm...I feel slightly dizzy. Would you kindly help me to my feet? I don't believe I have my bearings yet.
Tony: how are you feeling, though? Any bumps on the old noggin?
Clarke: I'll be okay in a minute or two. Tony, why on earth didn't you catch me if you saw me about to pass out?
Tony: Clarke! One minute I was talking to you and the next minute you weren't there. I looked down and there you were on my oriental rug.
Clarke: it's a nice rug. I'm okay now. Um, Tony, you were bluffing about the snake eyes weren't you?
Tony: yes. You never could take a joke. You British have no sense of sick humor.
Clarke: well it wasn't funny! You scared me half to death. Really, Tony. I come all this way and you do this to me.
Tony: So, I told you I became a doctor. What line of work are you in, Clarke? And does it involve pre-paid blow jobs?
Clarke: oh, don't use such coarse and vulgar language. Your vocabulary is atrocious. Pick up your dictionary once in awhile. I'm a milkman.
Tony: that hit on the head must have gave you a concussion. I-I could swear you said you were a milkman just now. You really aren't. Are you?
Clarke: and what is wrong with that? A lot of people depend on me for their cow utter squeezings. And I enjoy my work a lot.
Tony: let me get this straight. Okay, you and I went to the same college. You were the serious student and well, so was I, but...four years of university to push milk? Why? In God's name why?
Clarke: I-I...it's a long story.
Tony: Why aren't you in a successful career?
Clarke: I wanted to be a great violinist.
Tony: oh yes. I remember being kept awake at night. You used to practice right across the hall. I thought you were torturing a mongoose over there. I take it you improved?
Clarke: indeedy! I met a marvelous man who coached me. I gave recitals, appeared in concerts, took part in orchestras. It was my life, my calling.
Tony: so what happened? Someone steal your violin or what?
Clarke: no, I still have it. It's in my suitcase there.
Tony: just...leave it rest. It had a long trip.
Clarke: yes. Anyway, my career as a violinist was cut short 5 years ago. It was a freak accident. I stood too close to a cellist and put her eye out with my bow. She went blind in one eye because of me. I never played again. And I felt so guilty I married her. Her name is Dora.
Tony: holy shit! You? You got married? You're a fruit! You were in love with me!
Clarke: like I said, I married out of guilt. It lasted 2 months. I couldn't give her nookie so she dumped me for our meter reader. Just as well I suppose. She was blind in one eye, he was deaf in one ear and had one nut.
(Tony and Clarke haven't seen one another since their college days in 1987)
THE REUNION
___________
(Knock on door)
Tony: damn. Just when I was about to orgasm. Never fails. Where can I stash these surgeon's gloves?
(More knocking)
Tony: hold your horses. Where's my jockstrap? Oh, there it is. Coming! Or at least I was about to before you knocked. I may hit this person.
(Opens door)
Tony: okay this better be good. Holy shit!
Clarke: Tony! It's you. I finally found you. Oh, you look so handsome. God save the queen!
Tony: Is that you, Clarke? I mean...is it really you?
Clarke: Yes, it's me, it's me. May I pee?
Tony: uh, excuse me? What?
Clarke: it was a long flight. This huge lardass hogged the toilet all the way.
Tony: come in, come in. My God. I'm in shock. Leave your hip boots at the door.
Clarke: just give me two seconds to wee wee and then we can talk, okay?
Two Hours Later
_______________
Clarke: that was refreshing. Nice butterflies on your toilet seat. And what a powerful flush. Almost sucked my buttock hairs off.
Tony: that was fast.
Clarke: well I did say two seconds. Cute lamps!
Tony: what do you have, a dick or a turbo blaster jetstreamer?
Clarke: you haven't lost your snide sense of humor. Love your home. Hate your language.
Tony: thank you. Sit down, please.
Clarke: why thank you.
Tony: not there, there's a tac.
Clarke: oh. Here?
Tony: sure. There are three tacs there. Lower it.
Clarke: so tell me, how long have you been living here in your very own house?
Tony: three years. Uh, Clark...
Clarke: paid for? Rented? Stolen?
Tony: what?
Clarke: the house.
Tony: uh, almost paid for.
Clarke: did you finally go into doctorhood?
Tony: I'm an M.D., yes. Now Clarke, I was wondering....
Clarke: love the sofa. Plush. Fake, over-stuffed, but I love anything plush. You were about to say something? Cute cushions, yeseeee!
Tony: yes, twice, I...
Clarke: well, what is it then? Out with it. Mind if I pass wind?
Tony: fart away.
Clarke: oh don't use those lewd slang words. Ahhh....refreshing. Now you may speak.
Tony: are you sure I'm allowed?
Clarke: it is your house. And did I mention what a dynamo house it is? So American. So many knack knicks, yes.
Tony: knick knack.
Clarke: who's there?
Tony: oh, never mind! How did you find me, Clarke?
Clarke: guess. Pretend we're on Jeopardy!
Tony: um, I'd rather hear it from you. Save a lot of time, you know, and voice...especially yours.
Clarke: yes, a voice is a terrible thing to waste.
Tony: oh, how did you get here, dammitt!!!??
Clarke: really, I never! No need to get huffy. Are those gum drops? And are those real gums?
Tony: no. Snake eyes. And no, false teeth-ivory.
Clarke: oh, then I'll pass. Pass out. Snake eyes!!! AAAAHH!
(PLOP. Clarke collapses)
Tony: maybe if I dump him out front and stick a stamp to his forehead, the postman will ship the shit back to England. I never thought I'd see him again. Just when I got my hearing back and my sanity restored. Of...Fuck, Clarke! (Kick!)
Later
_____
Tony: Clarke? Clarke, are you okay? That was a pretty nasty fall to the floor.
Clarke: oh...oh...I'm...I feel slightly dizzy. Would you kindly help me to my feet? I don't believe I have my bearings yet.
Tony: how are you feeling, though? Any bumps on the old noggin?
Clarke: I'll be okay in a minute or two. Tony, why on earth didn't you catch me if you saw me about to pass out?
Tony: Clarke! One minute I was talking to you and the next minute you weren't there. I looked down and there you were on my oriental rug.
Clarke: it's a nice rug. I'm okay now. Um, Tony, you were bluffing about the snake eyes weren't you?
Tony: yes. You never could take a joke. You British have no sense of sick humor.
Clarke: well it wasn't funny! You scared me half to death. Really, Tony. I come all this way and you do this to me.
Tony: So, I told you I became a doctor. What line of work are you in, Clarke? And does it involve pre-paid blow jobs?
Clarke: oh, don't use such coarse and vulgar language. Your vocabulary is atrocious. Pick up your dictionary once in awhile. I'm a milkman.
Tony: that hit on the head must have gave you a concussion. I-I could swear you said you were a milkman just now. You really aren't. Are you?
Clarke: and what is wrong with that? A lot of people depend on me for their cow utter squeezings. And I enjoy my work a lot.
Tony: let me get this straight. Okay, you and I went to the same college. You were the serious student and well, so was I, but...four years of university to push milk? Why? In God's name why?
Clarke: I-I...it's a long story.
Tony: Why aren't you in a successful career?
Clarke: I wanted to be a great violinist.
Tony: oh yes. I remember being kept awake at night. You used to practice right across the hall. I thought you were torturing a mongoose over there. I take it you improved?
Clarke: indeedy! I met a marvelous man who coached me. I gave recitals, appeared in concerts, took part in orchestras. It was my life, my calling.
Tony: so what happened? Someone steal your violin or what?
Clarke: no, I still have it. It's in my suitcase there.
Tony: just...leave it rest. It had a long trip.
Clarke: yes. Anyway, my career as a violinist was cut short 5 years ago. It was a freak accident. I stood too close to a cellist and put her eye out with my bow. She went blind in one eye because of me. I never played again. And I felt so guilty I married her. Her name is Dora.
Tony: holy shit! You? You got married? You're a fruit! You were in love with me!
Clarke: like I said, I married out of guilt. It lasted 2 months. I couldn't give her nookie so she dumped me for our meter reader. Just as well I suppose. She was blind in one eye, he was deaf in one ear and had one nut.
Tony: wow. That's the life.
TO BE CONTINUED..........