Perspective Plus discussion

We recently had a member leave this group. It is not the first time this has happened and I know it won't be the last. It was, I hope,nothing personal, but to me any member loss is personal. I don't know what in the fardling world I'm doing and I am still feeling my way even after all this time. I do not have the apparent knack for getting discussions to go on beyond one line, or for getting one to get off the ground.

As I have said before, I feel like I am talking to myself quite often or just to hear my own head roar. I hope, as the section states,to hear from members regarding needs and wants if there is something we are not doing here to meet those needs. If you are not comfortable posting it, send me a message via my profile and we can talk that way.

I guess for me, this group is my baby. I am trying to nurture other people and their self esteem and worth, while trying to support my own,and I see a member loss as a personal failure to keep that person engaged and informed. I fell that at times I am failing to do what I hope to do an that is get this group national someday. All activist groups started with a few disgruntled people in a room somewhere kvetching and that lead to others joining in and somehow or another, a cause is taken up and the next thing you know, bsm! the French Revolution, or the American Revolution, or an Egyptian coup happens.

Perhaps for some I am not political enough, for others too political. Maybe I am not doing enough from a proactive standpoint, or I am too proactive. I know that I cannot please everyone every time, but I am striving for a middle ground that is a launch point for others. Sure, there are blogs and groups that are more public, better established, better known and better done than this, but they all had to start somewhere humble too, and they gain and lose members all the time.

I know this, but I still take it to heart when some one leaves any of the groups I moderate. I feel like I am not good enough to do this at times, that my leadership skills are nill and that I was a fool for doing this in the first place.

Again, my normal levels of stupidity come into play. I hope that there are many of you who are reading things in this group who are perhaps not ready to join and admit that you have worth, and those of you who are here who do not say much, but do read what I have to say or think.

So, here I go, off into the void, and I hope you all will go with me, or not, your choice.

Again, I find myself feeling hurt because we have gone from 30 members to 29 as yet another person left the group for whatever reason. I know that this should not be personal and that I can not take each gain and loss as if this is some kind of personal attack on my character or on how I run this group. For some,the restrictions on language or text short hand may be onerous, or perhaps I am too political or not political enough.

I guess I see this group as an extension of myself but I also want to see this be an extension of all of us. I do not want anyone to feel that they cannot speak their mind, share their own stories or feel left out. I know that I cannot please everyone all the time,or cover all the bases for every one, but I am really trying. I have never run a group like this one and am still finding my way.

Again I am left with feelings like I have failed somewhere along the line and that this group is just an indulgence of my ego. Perhaps it is, and I am really doing no good for anyone.

This is not meant to sound like a pity party, but I guess it comes across that way.

See,my natural stupidity wins out again.

You are NOT stupid! Just sensitive. This group represents a significant extension of yourself onto the net, so what happens in the group naturally affects you. Sadly, members coming and going (often for very little perceptible reason) is a part of any internet group. In a tightly-knit (at least I think so) group like this, each departure will be more strongly felt.

For all the strengths of internet groups (letting people from all over connect in a common interest, etc), there are weaknesses, too. One of those is the fact that what is a whim or light decision to one person can easily be perceived as far more meaningful by others. That's just the nature of the e-beast.

I have seen some of the good this group has done, the support it has given those in need. This is no ego trip.

Kim, allow me to agree with Narzain, though I don't know you nearly as well as he does. This group was the one place I came to during the crisis with my mother where I truly felt understood and supported. My husband was also an immense support, but honestly, he doesn't really understand and he really wants everyone to make peace, something you all did not push on me. So I can honestly say that your support and kindness during that time was invaluable to me. I can't speak to why someone left (maybe they were tired of hearing about *my* problems, ya know?). All I can say is that I really appreciate you and this group, and you don't deserve to blame yourself for anything related to this group. Thank you again for everything you have done for me.

Thank you for that. I expect "kind words" from Narzain since he is my boyfriend and all that, but hearing it from someone who doesn't know as as well, well that makes me take pause. I am not trying to make this a pity party, or an ego trip, but a safe place for one and all to be who they are, share what they need to share, and to find support for the journey of being who they are.

Sophia, you reminded me of why I started this group. It started as a place for me to share who I am and help others hopefully find out who they are as well. It is a personal thing for me, as you can see by my very personal posts at times, because I feel that unless I am willing to share what is in my past that has led me to where I am now, perhaps others will see that they too are no alone and that others do truly understand them.

I take it personally when somebody decides to leave this group, which is "my baby" compared to the other two groups I run, which I expect more coming and going in than here. I guess I feel that the safe space I have tried to create and encourage sharing in is not seen as safe or as all inclusive as I would like it to be perceived.

I am not used to being seen as a "cool" person unless you are under the age of 12 (give or take) or as a person who has all the answers (again unless you are under 12), so this is still very new to me to have people actually seem to be interested in what I have to say.

I am so glad that we were and are here for those who needed us. Perhaps that is what was the case. The member left because they no longer needed us. If I hold onto that, maybe it isn't so bad after all.

I will most likely be told off for this post but I feel that I need to say this. I feel that I have derailed my own group by making way too many posts be about me and my selfish nonsense as of late. I feel that this may have caused some members to leave as they may have felt that they were not seeing their needs met because I have been banging on and on about my insignificant problems and not focusing enough on empowerment issues as well as focusing on social change.

I started this group to do all that and not be a personal space for me to whine. I mistakenly thought that if I was personal and shared my own past that others would feel more comfortable in sharing their own thoughts and hopefully feel more welcome and safe here. I feel that I may have actually made this more of an ego trip than what I started it out to be and I am very sorry for that. From here on out, I am going to do my best to be quiet unless it is to post about things that affect us all and keep my personal nonsense and problems to myself.

I apologize to all of you who have felt that this group has let you down and I am going to try my level best to improve how I do things here in the future. This group is not all about me, but about all of us and how we fit into the world.

You are all worthwhile, smart, wonderful people and I feel that I have done you all a disservice with my selfish behavior.

I a apologize to all of you for that once again and will try to be better starting now.

Let's not forget that you are also a worthwhile, smart and wonderful person. You are part of "all of us," and you fit into this group as you fit into the world. Plus, this is at heart your group; or should I say, you are the heart of this group. If you feel the need to change or refine your focus, then follow your heart. That's what got us here to begin with. But don't think that what you have to say is whining or unnecessary.

I was told recently that my line of "what is good for the group" is utter garbage (cleaned up) and that my self indulgent pity party is not helping anyone but myself get attention because that is all that I am truly after, and that my bid to make others feel sorry for me is at the heart of this thought.

I allowed these comments to distract me from what is important let alone,I was so stunned that I did not respond to them at the time, but I want to clear some things up for any of you in this group or who are lurking about out there. My insecurities, which are many, are not about getting attention, nor is it a bid for pity when I talk about what is going on in my life in this group. I share because I truly care about the members of this group and wish to keep a space that is for all to feel safe if sharing what they need to share or vent to allow themselves to let go of what is holding them back from being the wonderful people they are.

So, as far as this group is concerned, all are as always,welcome to share, encouraged to share, and to please tell me if something is missing. If you are not sure about something, please send me a message via this site or just post a question. I am trying my best to muddle through my own mess and I work through things when I talk about them out loud.

If you don't like that, then you can shove it up your nose.

Kim wrote: "I was told recently that my line of "what is good for the group" is utter garbage (cleaned up) and that my self indulgent pity party is not helping anyone but myself get attention because that is a..."

Whoever this person is who said these awful things is clearly having some problems of their own. It smacks of "lashing out," don't you think?

Kim, you know how grateful I am for the space you've created, and if you didn't share your own trials and victories, I wouldn't feel like it was okay for me to do so as well. I think you're very brave, putting yourself out there. I hope you won't stop.

You know what dear? I will GLADLY lend my size 14 shoe to shove it up that nose! This "person" does not know you, what you stand for... nor does he/she speak for anyone else in the group. *(^(*^ on him/her.

Thank you both for that. I am very sensitive to not criticism so much, but to personally negative thoughts. Since I am more than very capable of listening to the little voice in my head, any outside commentary feeds right into that, thus causing the loop of self doubt/loathing that I am trying to fight against. I have a bad habit of forgetting that I am indeed human and therefore at the mercy of many foibles and tribulations that come with that condition.

I am not used to having anything to say that others want to listen to me say, as I talk, a lot, so most people tune me out, or I have been ignored for so long, that this is still new to me. I have been told by a good friend to stop apologizing for everything that is not my fault. This was in a way my fault for listening to this person and reading the email. I deleted it without response, and Narzain can tell you the mess I have been about this. I was ready to hand the group over to someone else and let them do this, but then I thought, "NO! This is MY group." I started this as a way to reach other people who need to hear the message that I believe in, and that is all people have worth (yes event the orifice holes as they teach us tolerance), every one can make a difference and every one is a human being entitled to basic rights and respect.


I tell my kids all the time when they get discouraged because somebody is better than they are at something that that's what that person is good at, and that they (my kid is question) is better or will be better at something else, like math, or reading, or art. Everyone has something they do better than somebody else, but not gloating about it is important. If your talent can help others, then use it for that when you can.

I forget things quite a bit as I get overwhelmed by the chaos that is my life and I forget about those who are not members of this group (the person in question was not obviously) who do read these posts and hopefully gain some insights to positive changes in their lives. Sophia, Narzain holds you up as an example every time I doubt myself and I thank you for that. Yes, you. You made a difference for me in the fact that I know for certain that this group is doing some good after all. I say that if you can reach one person, you are making a difference.


So, this group is personal to me, and I hope to all of you it is too. And I will try to keep the personal attacks out of it.

I wish there was an emoticon for when you feel that warm heart-tuggy feeling, you know the one? That's me right now. :D

I know what you mean. I get that way about this group sometimes myself.

I am reluctant to re-post some of the negative messages I have gotten since I started this group. I do not respond to any of them,and I do not wish to give the writer any more attention than they deserve by showing off their handy work. I have not gotten many,mind, but the few I have gotten, as you can see, have gotten to me. I am working on that, along with a myriad of other things, so that those people don't get a win no matter what. The support of this group has been a tonic to me and has helped on my journey.

Paul and Narzain are there for me off screen as well (along with a few other members) to help keep me going. I am grateful for them as well, and hope that they were not hurt by not not saying so earlier.

It is so easy to get caught up in the minutiae that goes into running this and 2 other groups, that sometimes I can get lost in my own head. It happens. I am trying my level best to find a balance and find a place for the haters as well as the lovers.

There's really no point in reposting negative messages. They're an inevitable part of any internet group, kind of like mold. Some people just aren't happy unless they're making someone else feel bad, and those people just aren't worth paying that much attention to.

And yes, Sophia, I do hold up your example pretty often. As a group, I think we can look at you and say "hey, we did some good, just by being a safe place to vent." That is pretty warm and heart-tuggy. :)