Ask Greg and Amiira Behrendt - Tuesday, September 3rd! discussion

Welcome to the group! Greg and Amiira will be answering questions throughout the day on Tuesday, September 3rd in this thread only. In the meantime if you have a question for the authors or just want to introduce yourself feel free to do so in this thread.

Hi, I'm so excited to have discussions with you guys. :)

I'm so excited to ask you guys questions!

I enjoyed reading He's Just Not That into You (see review http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/...). I would have added another section but I loved the book and the humor it brought to a serious thing women deal with. I can't wait to read your other books.

What I want to know is if you'll ever do a book focused more on people in long term relationships or marriage? Your wit and honesty brings enlightenment to areas most people want to ignore. It'd be interesting to have your take on it.

Hello,

I am very excited to read this book. I have read and have a copy of "He's just not that into you", as well as "It's called a break up because it's broken". My name is Lauren I am 25 years old. This past January I got out of a 4 1/2 year long relationship. Ever since I was 17 I have been with someone (Not intentional, that's just how it worked out). After breaking up with my ex I moved to another city to live closer to family. So far I have had 8 months to myself, being alone and I must say it is great but lonely at times. The current city I am in ,I don't have many friends. So I've been joining meet up groups, I have the tinder app (lol), I'm trying to take peoples advice that say, "Your still young, Live your life how you want and you will find someone eventually", I'm trying to get past the fear of not having someone be their with me. For the first time I'm going to places alone and it's scary. I have to really push myself sometimes to attend events that I really want to go to. I actually have two dates this weekend with two different males and I'm very nervous but I don't want to think anything more of it then just meeting new friends..However I have no idea what their thinking. Do you have any advice for people who are newly dating such as myself? If I was your daughter what advice would you give me? lol!

In terms of dating..What are your thoughts on the woman asking the guy out first? I honestly don't like the thought of that but a lot of times I have to catch, and stop myself because when I see and hear a guy I like I have no problem putting myself out their and stepping up first.

What are your thoughts about equality in terms of dating? For example, When a guy buys me a drink I like to return the gift and get him a drink on the next one. That way it's fair and no one is expected to put out (Since it seems like guys buy girls whatever they want with the expectation of something in return). Do you think that is a good way of doing things?

Another example, I had a date with someone not too long ago. We planned to meet up at a place with our friends and mingle. I changed the plans on him 1 hour before we were suppose to meet, asked him if it was okay..turns out he was already at our meeting place. So I felt bad, felt that what I did was unfair to him, and decided to drive back and follow through with the original plan. My friend didn't come with me, she informed me "if he liked you he'd change his planes to come meet you here, Doesn't matter if you told him an hours notice or a minutes notice. He should come to you no matter what". I told her, "We've only been talking for 3 days is that even fair?" "She says, "It doesn't matter". How is that fair? Do those rules even apply in this generation? I like to be equally fair, and I understand I want him to like me and doing some sacrificing for me is very nice but then again I don't want to be a Bitch either. What are your thoughts?

Thank you very much :)

Hi Greg & Amiira,

I read "He's Just Not That Into You" almost 10 years ago! in my 20-somethings -- along with a few other self-love-relationship-improvement books. Yours was the one that got through the most!

Two years after reading the book, I reconnected with an old college friend...fast forward another three years, and we're married! We're coming up on our 4-year anniversary this November. Your advice from HJNTIY is long-lasting advice and was key in finding my husband/my "one."

I'm going to echo a question above and ask if you've considered or have plans on writing a book on marriage/life partnerships. While I may not think we "need" it, it would absolutely be a joy to read your take on the subject! :)

This book...is it just about first dates? I agree that I would like to see a book by you two on relationship/marriages that are already in progress. I'm sure it would be hilarious and true.

I really do not have a question. Have not had a date with someone that I was not attached to since 1994. I am just thrilled that this book seems to be getting some praise. Be well you two. Hope to see you in October.

First off, I’d like to say that my three close friends and I have read all your books and are huge fans!! – We have one very much loved copy of the breakup book - highlighted, underlined, and dog-eared - which we all passed around to each other in college each time one of us went through a painful breakup. Thank you so much for being our fourth best friend in our time in need!

Second, I wanted to ask a question that was not answered in your latest dating book and that I’ve been dying to ask ever since I read it – In your book, you mention that you should wait and have several dates with someone before having sex. Reading your reasonings, I could not agree more – However, what you didn’t mention is what plan B is – That is, what do you do if it’s too late and you do have sex with a person early on – For example, I currently am seeing someone who I started having sex with on the first few dates. As I was super happy with my singleness and independence at the time, I made it known in the beginning that I did not want something serious, despite him reiterating that he was open to actually dating and not just having sex. However, the more I got to hang out with him and know him, the more I started to realize that he was an awesome person and had many of the qualities that I am looking for in a significant other. However, I’m afraid that my realization may have been too late and I may have lead him to labeling me as someone that he just has casual sex with. When I brought up the “What is this to you?” talk, he replied with “It is what it is” and said that even though he cares about me, he hadn’t thought much of “us” getting serious since I had sent him the message in the beginning that I wasn’t looking for anything serious.

So my question now is - How can you salvage a potential relationship if you started getting physical in the relationship very early on? Are situations like mine even salvageable? Or is it time to start (re)reading “He’s Just Not That Into You”?

How about that bro!

Hi Tina!
Greg and I are here in the kitchen reading your questions. Firstly, thanks for reading and loving our books. We genuinely appreciate it and are so pleased that they meant something to you. As for you answering your question about how to salvage your situation... here's what I'd do. The next time you see the guy you're having casual sex with but would like to try to parlay it into actual dating/checking out the possibility of a relationship with you should have him meet you at a 50's diner and tell him something along the following lines, "Hey guess what? I found this really cool time machine. Turns out I want to go back in time to the day I told you I wasn't interested in dating you or having anything serious with you. After spending time with you and realizing how awesome you are, my future self wants to go back and right the past to change the course of history. It's something I HAVE to do to ensure the safety and future of the planet earth." If he isn't flattered by your creativity and the sentiment then he stinks and is only good for sex anyway. Good luck!

Hi Angie!
We're thinking about it. Working title is "How To Keep Your Marriage From Sucking". What do you think??
Axx

Stuart wrote: "I really do not have a question. Have not had a date with someone that I was not attached to since 1994. I am just thrilled that this book seems to be getting some praise. Be well you two. Hope to ..."

Thanks Stuart. I feel like you need to get out more because there's someone out there waiting for you to find them! Not attached since 1994? How very grunge of you.

So I'm 39 and single, is this book for me? I find I run out of fun dates by the third one.

Angie wrote: "This book...is it just about first dates? I agree that I would like to see a book by you two on relationship/marriages that are already in progress. I'm sure it would be hilarious and true."

That's a very real possibility... as soon as we can figure out how to be in one as well. Relationships are are tough and I think knowing that and realizing you can only be on one a day at a time. I know that when I make my wife and my family my priority the rest of my life seems to go better. Seriously and I don't know why that is but it just seems to be true.

Charlene wrote: "Hi Greg & Amiira,

I read "He's Just Not That Into You" almost 10 years ago! in my 20-somethings -- along with a few other self-love-relationship-improvement books. Yours was the one that got throu..."

Hey Charlene!
So truly happy that you found your mate and enjoyed the book. It's so funny that this question has come up today as it's something that has come up for years now. We've toyed with the idea of a marriage book called "How To Keep Your Marriage From Sucking" but have never really committed to writing it. Definitely a conversation we'll revisit.
Thanks!
Axx

I about as clear as mud. I have not dated since 94 due to the fact that I have been married to her since that time. I feel that she would be totally against me dating others. That being said Jess and I dated for 11 days before I proposed and we have been together for 20 years.

Lauren wrote: "Hello,

I am very excited to read this book. I have read and have a copy of "He's just not that into you", as well as "It's called a break up because it's broken". My name is Lauren I am 25 years o..."

I/we get this question all the time. In HJNTITY, ICABUBIB, and IJAFD we have said we feel when a guy is serious he'll find a way to ask you out. But we've always also said if asking a guy out is something you want to do GO FOR IT. We don't want to make decisions for you. We have only ever shared our experience which is that men should know to ask women out. That's how we are raising our daughters. If you've let a guy know that you'd be open to a date and that guy doesn't have the where with all to ask you out then ask yourself if this is the kind of guy you see yourself in a relationship with.

Hi Greg & Amiira. Greg I have listened to a lot of your standup lately, and the bit about Games Night and playing Pictionary is hilarious and so very true. I second, third and fourth the idea that you guys should write about marriage. I would love to read that out loud with my husband. Keep up the awesome work. M

Lauren wrote: "Hello,

I am very excited to read this book. I have read and have a copy of "He's just not that into you", as well as "It's called a break up because it's broken". My name is Lauren I am 25 years o..."

Hi Lauren!
You have many questions that we'll try to get to but first off I want to say that I genuinely do believe you're on the right track with the idea of living the life you want to live and putting yourself in alignment with attracting the right person for you. When you have found great satisfaction in your life and are truly happy...that's when someone comes along and f**ks it all up with their love. Swear to every form of God that this is true. Hooray for you that you're going on these two upcoming dates without putting too much expectation on them. Such a healthy attitude to have. Like we say in It's Just A F***ing Date - all relationships don't work out until you find the one that does. Same goes for dating. As for asking guys out, I'm against it. Strictly because men are best when they are in pursuit of something they want and if you do the asking - it's game over. They'll assume they can already have sex with you because you made the initial overture (even if that's not the case) and not view you as the prize that you are. There's a chapter in It's Just A F***ing Date where we actually walk you through how to get asked out by a guy you want to ask you out. There are these little turns you can take that let the person know that you're interested without giving away the power of pursuit. Okay, I think your last question was about fairness in buying drinks and the etiquette of changing plans. Certainly you can buy a fella a drink AFTER he has already bought you one, however why not just let him buy you a drink or two? But not nine of them. It's like being able to take a compliment. Just say thank you. You don't have to tell them they have pretty eyes too. If someone is treating you like a lady, let them. Also, don't drink so many free drinks that you're too free with the rest of you. The lady can easily turn into the tramp when they're a little drinky which blows the whole idea of the lady you want to be in the world. As for changing plans an hour beforehand, I can see both sides of that coin. Yes, you are of value and people should come to you, but yes, his time is also valuable and making a change an hour before your plans is sucky especially when he's ALREADY there EARLY because he's excited to meet you! You're a smart cookie - you know what the right thing to do is. It's just a matter of listening to the right voice not the one that gets you into trouble! Axx

Stuart wrote: "I about as clear as mud. I have not dated since 94 due to the fact that I have been married to her since that time. I feel that she would be totally against me dating others. That being said Jess a..."

Terrific! I love that story! I fully retract my last reply to you.
xx

Michelle wrote: "I enjoyed reading He's Just Not That into You (see review http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/...). I would have added another section but I loved the book and the humor it brought to a seri..."

Hey Michelle,
The idea of a marriage/long term relationship book is something that we've toyed with for awhile but have yet to commit to. Definitely something we'll be revisiting though. Thanks for your comment!
Axx

M wrote: "Hi Greg & Amiira. Greg I have listened to a lot of your standup lately, and the bit about Games Night and playing Pictionary is hilarious and so very true. I second, third and fourth the idea tha..."

Hey M,
I was sad to see you die at end of Skyfall. I did not see that coming and am truthfully, not okay with it. Okay, there have been many comments about the idea of writing a marriage book so let's start throwing out chapter titles people! Let's get this party started. The working title of the book is "How To Keep Your Marriage From Sucking" - we'll take all ideas into consideration!
Axx

Tina wrote: "First off, I’d like to say that my three close friends and I have read all your books and are huge fans!! – We have one very much loved copy of the breakup book - highlighted, underlined, and dog-e..."

Hi Tina!
Greg and I are here in the kitchen reading your questions. Firstly, thanks for reading and loving our books. We genuinely appreciate it and are so pleased that they meant something to you. As for you answering your question about how to salvage your situation... here's what I'd do. The next time you see the guy you're having casual sex with but would like to try to parlay it into actual dating/checking out the possibility of a relationship with you should have him meet you at a 50's diner and tell him something along the following lines, "Hey guess what? I found this really cool time machine. Turns out I want to go back in time to the day I told you I wasn't interested in dating you or having anything serious with you. After spending time with you and realizing how awesome you are, my future self wants to go back and right the past to change the course of history. It's something I HAVE to do to ensure the safety and future of the planet earth." If he isn't flattered by your creativity and the sentiment then he stinks and is only good for sex anyway. Good luck!

Angie wrote: "This book...is it just about first dates? I agree that I would like to see a book by you two on relationship/marriages that are already in progress. I'm sure it would be hilarious and true."

Hi Angie!
We're thinking about it. Working title is "How To Keep Your Marriage From Sucking". What do you think??
Axx

Nathalie wrote: "I'm so excited to ask you guys questions!"

Us too!
Axx

Alona wrote: "Hi, I'm so excited to have discussions with you guys. :)"

We are as well!
Axx

Kenny wrote: "I'm looking forward to the Q & A here on Sept 3rd."

Not more than we are!
Axx

Russell wrote: "So I'm 39 and single, is this book for me? I find I run out of fun dates by the third one."

I mean Russell if YOU are fun it doesn't matter where you go You could take her to the dump if you guys have chemistry. Don't take her to the dump. I like to think the book is a great primer for anyone who wants to date but it's written to women.

Why you go corndoggin' when you know your have frien'?

Amiira wrote: "M wrote: "Hi Greg & Amiira. Greg I have listened to a lot of your standup lately, and the bit about Games Night and playing Pictionary is hilarious and so very true. I second, third and fourth th..."

How about- "Are you sure you know where you're going? Tales from the road"
or
Multitasking is great, but can you close the bathroom door when you're in there?

M wrote: "Amiira wrote: "M wrote: "Hi Greg & Amiira. Greg I have listened to a lot of your standup lately, and the bit about Games Night and playing Pictionary is hilarious and so very true. I second, thir..."

That made me laugh out loud! Keep them coming!

Pat wrote: "Why you go corndoggin' when you know your have frien'?"
Wink!

Ok... I have a question. I have been dating a friend of mine very casually. We started seeing each other last Summer and we continued on for several months and I started getting attached to him quite a bit. So, I notice him backing off because I am becoming "clingy" I suppose. We didnt actually end things I just was getting hurt and decided to try and focus on myself and if someone else who was interested came along then that was fine. We went several months not dating really. We would still text but I hadn't met up with him or made plans with him or anything. I was having fun and going on dates and feeling really great about myself and where I was in life again. Through this time he blew my phone up..."Why dont you ever make time for us anymore" or "Are you seeing someone else now" or "Your just being stingy with your time now" "What do you want from me, so I know what to give you" He even showed up at my house one night out of the blue and stayed the night...I told him we wouldnt be sleeping together b/c I wasn't going to be just that to him, I wanted more. So we slip back into this casually seeing each other again and it has been great until this past weekend. We were drinking and it brought out the "clingy" in me and I told him I wanted him to actually be committed to me and he said he cares for me and I am the one he texts/calls, I am the one there at that moment and all weekend and he swears he isnt seeing anyone else, only me so why isn't that good enough for me. Then we also talked about love and he says he loves me as a person and who I am but he isn't able to give me the love I am looking for and he does not want a label right now. And he knows I care about him a lot. So, do I need to just brush my hands with this relationship? I know him so well, I am crazy about him, he knows me more than any guy ever has and it just seems so hard to totally walk away from him :( But I also want to stay true to myself and I cant just be at his beck and call and not listen to my needs. I want to be married one day or at least be worthy of a commitment. I know I have things to work on too, I just get so anxious when it comes to dating. I want to know right then and there if its "the one" or not! What are your words of advice? Thanks :) xo

Marly wrote: "Ok... I have a question. I have been dating a friend of mine very casually. We started seeing each other last Summer and we continued on for several months and I started getting attached to him qui..."

Hey Marley! I found your answer in your question.

"...he says he loves me as a person and who I am but he isn't able to give me the love I am looking for and he does not want a label right now. And he knows I care about him a lot." -YOU

You've tried it twice. It's not enough. He's been kind enough and man enough to share his truth with you. Take him at his word and stop wasting time waiting for him to change. You are way too superfoxy for that Super Marley!

GB

Hello Greg and Amira,

I love your books, they make me laugh out loud, while at the same time tackling a topic that matters to me!

I have a question: i agree with what you say, that whenever you start really living your life, someone comes along and just knocks you out of the water....kind if happened to me recently, when instead if noone, suddenly there were 3 people interested. One more than most....
So the question is....there's someone I met recently at a weekend in the mountains with friends. We got on really well and a mutual friend let each of us know there was interest from the other one. He followed up to say it would be nice to meet but would shortly be off traveling for work. I told him that i too would later be traveling and suggested we meet either before or after i came back (thus trying to give him a chance to suggest a date). He just said OK and has stayed in touch quite a bit while traveling. Recently while briefly in my city between flights he tried to meet up spontaneously but I was busy..then he tried again with much more notice to check my plans for this weekend (unfortunately I'm away - as I wasn't waiting around in case he called ;-)) but I did say I am free fri-sun the week after...(again to give him a chance to suggest a date). He didn't suggest a date straightaway, so shortly after as an afterthought i just sent a little message to say, "let me know what day looks good for you that weekend - as my calendar seems to fill up!" And then, in case that sounded arrogant "ps that's not meant to sound corporate

Nesrin wrote: "Hello Greg and Amira,

I love your books, they make me laugh out loud, while at the same time tackling a topic that matters to me!

I have a question: i agree with what you say, that whenever you..."

Nesrin wrote: "Hello Greg and Amira,

I love your books, they make me laugh out loud, while at the same time tackling a topic that matters to me!

I have a question: i agree with what you say, that whenever you..."

This all sounds positive and fine to me. Amiira my have another point of view but I like the way your doing business!

Thanks Greg! Appreciated!

Not sure if this rest of my message came through but he did reply to say both days worked for him and he'd like to get a date in my calendar!

I'm all for organic fun non mind games dating ....and just being curious to see what might grow! :-)

Hi Greg and Amiira,
Thanks for your insight above, I will definitely try out your advice!

One other question that I had - In your newest dating book you seem to be sending the message that you should not weigh your date down with all your expectations, not to take things so seriously, and to just have fun on the dates. Yet in "He's Just Not That Into You", you seem to be saying something almost contradictory - to not to be a wet blanket, to not keep low expectations, but to make sure you are getting what you want and to leave if you aren't. At what point do we make this switch? At what point can we go from just casually dating to rightfully asking for/expecting the commitment that we want?

I read HJNTIY about two years ago when I was trying to convince myself to break up with my boyfriend. It didn't work, but it did help me to speak up for myself and tell him to cut the crap because I deserved more than he was giving me. On the other hand, I recommended this to a customer a few months ago who was at a crossroads in her relationship. Next time I saw her, she told me that she had found the courage to let go and move on.

First I want to say thank you so much for making HJNTIY!! It has changed my life. I am still single & dating, but so much more secure, and confident with myself. I come from a line of woman who have stayed in emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive relationships. I was never taught how a man treats you when he really likes you. I never had a very good example to follow. My question is... I do a lot of online dating. As the girl, if I see someone I am really interested in, is it okay to attempt to talk to them first? or should I only talk to the guys who speak to me first? Lets just put it this way, you can tell on the website the guy looked at your profile & even hit something letting me know hes interested, but did not make the first move to write me. I know he needs to ask me out on a date first & he should ask for my phone number. I hope its not too silly of a question, but I just want to make sure I am online dating the right way.

Glad to have been replied! Thanks Amiira and Greg! I really hope you do make a book about marriage/long term relationships.

Hi, Amiira and Greg... I just wan't to ask how would you make your man faithful to you? It seems that men now a days cheat on their partners.. Thanks so much...

Becki wrote: "So I've been thinking all day about what I might want to ask, but I've decided I don't really have a question. I do want to say that "He's Just Not That Into You" got me through college and "It's C..."

Hey Becki,
Thanks for writing in. We're really thrilled that our books hold such a special place in your heart/on your nightstand/in your bookcase.
Axx

Alona wrote: "Hi, Amiira and Greg... I just wan't to ask how would you make your man faithful to you? It seems that men now a days cheat on their partners.. Thanks so much..."

Alona sadly you can't make anyone do anything. If you feel he's not faithful and you can't trust him perhaps it's time to find a new relationship. Men cheat because they have low self esteem and seek out validation from anyone who will give it to them. There is no solution for another persons' low self esteem. So pick someone who takes good care of themselves and seems to put others interests before his own. Ok?

Jessica wrote: "First I want to say thank you so much for making HJNTIY!! It has changed my life. I am still single & dating, but so much more secure, and confident with myself. I come from a line of woman who hav..."

Yes of course you can talk to them first. Anywhere, anytime, wallflowers are hard to get to know. Men like fun, strong, flirty, self possessed women. So much in fat that they tend to ask them out. You are doing great Jessica!

Tina wrote: "Hi Greg and Amiira,
Thanks for your insight above, I will definitely try out your advice!

One other question that I had - In your newest dating book you seem to be sending the message that you sh..."

Solid question. It is a progression to be sure. You should always have a set of standards for yourself. What's ok what's not ok, but be sure you really know someone before you start checking off those boxes. Life has natural rhythms, and if you listen to them you know when to start taking things seriously. Someone needs to get to know you before they can learn your rules and for you to learn theirs. So don't take the dates too seriously but always take yourself seriously.

Greg wrote: "Alona wrote: "Hi, Amiira and Greg... I just wan't to ask how would you make your man faithful to you? It seems that men now a days cheat on their partners.. Thanks so much..."

Alona sadly you can'..."

Thanks so much Greg :)

Thank you so so so very much! I have taken your advice and I am much happier not worrying about him. I did kinda know the answer already. I guess it was just not what I wanted to hear lol. We are still friends and I know we will remain that way, I just know I deserve far better and I refuse to settle ;) And I know I will find it.