Perspective Plus discussion

Hi everyone,
I'm a new member, and I joined today because I received a hand-written letter in the mail from my mother. She decided to break the "taboo" around discussing my weight to plead that I make weight loss a priority.

Some context.
My mother is French, and lives in a small town in France. I grew up in Richmond, VA, until the age of 13 when my parents split. I then left and lived with my mom in Paris for 6 years. Then I came back to the States for college in rural New York and eventually moved out to California. From the earliest age, I remember my mother's concern with my weight, though I was an average sized kid. I remember I would gain some weight in the winter, and my mother would remark on this. Then I'd lose it in the summer being active, and she would remark on that. She wasn't extreme with the remarks, but I knew she liked it when I was thinner. I very quickly came to see myself as fat, especially as I entered middle school, though in middle school I was a size 10. By high school I was a size 12, and very weight conscious. I used to wear these wide belts that I would synch very tight... anyway, not a story of severe body image problems, but I definitely wasn't comfortable. It didn't help that I'm taller (at a mighty 5'5"!) than most French women. I felt like this bulky, huge person. My mother is thin and beautiful, both of which she works at, because appearance is very important to her. Appearance is not especially important to me. I don't wear clothes that aren't comfortable. I don't wear heels or any shoes that aren't comfortable. I don't spend a lot of time or money on my hair. It's way more important to me to be clean and tidy-looking than to wear fashionable clothes, especially since I can't seem to guess right when it comes to putting together an outfit; I mean, I have my own tastes, but to listen to my mother, and one appearance-conscious friend from years ago, I have no clue. Anyway.

I went to visit my mother for a month earlier this summer. The first three weeks were extremely difficult because she was very irritable and critical of me. For the most part, she stops short of addressing my weight, because once when I was 20 I told her that she had to stop trying to get me to lose weight or I wasn't going to want to come to visit her anymore. Before that she would be on me constantly, offering to pay for weight watchers, telling me these jeans would make me look thinner than those, etc. After that conversation she would steer clear of actually coming out and saying anything about my weight unless I opened the door. If I said, "You know, I'm frustrated because my husband and I have been watching what we eat and he's lost ten pounds and I gained two," then she would go ahead and talk about how I eat way too much, etc. etc. She often emphasized that this was coming from a concern for my health, and not having to do with my appearance, but I cannot believe her on this. She is so beauty-conscious; maybe she's ALSO concerned about my health, but I know she's ashamed of the way I look. Here's how I know. When I go visit her, she often offers to sew me something new to wear. Nice, right? So I'll try to pick out a pattern, and she systematically vetoes anything that shows my shape. I'll finally hit on something more loose, and she'll go for that. Then, when she makes it, she'll make it even looser. She'd put me in a tent if she could.

So now she sent me this letter, in which she says she feels obliged to break her silence, that in fact it would be *criminal* if she didn't, and address her concerns about my weight. Think of your husband, think of your son. How will they survive if you die young of heart disease? And on and on. And she specifically says it's about my health, not my looks. This message is already really long, so I won't go into detail, but she's got issues with who I am in a lot of other ways too, though she didn't address any of that in the letter; just really let me know about these other things when I visited.

I am not the kind to take shit from anyone... except my mother. I will tell off any jerk who wants to take me on... except my mother. We live thousands of miles away from each other, first of all. She's been through a lot (abusive ex-husband who is still suing her and trying to destroy her financially), for another. I know she was as difficult as she was with me when I was there because she's very frustrated that I live so far, that her only grandchild lives so far--she's envious of her sisters who have family close, and she's upset that she's missing out (which doesn't excuse her behavior, it just explains it). I've avoided getting into a confrontation with her for quite some time, and if I could, I would never address any of it with her. This is also because I don't think it would do any good. She'd just think I was being terribly harsh with her and very unkind. She'd see herself as the victim.

Anyway... how have you handled relationships with loved ones who shame you and pressure you about your weight? What advice do have for me?

First off, DEEP BREATH. BIG HUG.

Second,you need to accept that your mother is who she is and that you are NOT going to change her attitude or how she treats you. You said it yourself that she is more into outside than the inside, Obviously there are things in her past that make her act this way. That is not a defense, but an observation.


YOU need to be YOU and if your mother cannot accept you for who you are, then that is HER problem. You need to do what is best for you and toss it all to everything else. You said that you are a mom. GOOD for you! Here is an opportunity to do the opposite of what your mother has done and is doing to you. You can't change her, but you can change how YOU react to what she says and does. YOU need to be healthy, but you can be fuller bodied and be healthy at the same time. You also mentioned in your intro that you used to swim but with your son you can't right now. So, plunk him in the stroller and go for a walk. Walk to the post office or just a few houses. Each time you go a little further. Take your writing materials with you if you can and walk to the park. Let him nap in the fresh air. It's a start until he gets older and you can get back into the pool...hey, what about a baby and me aqua class?


Thirdly, lay down the law with her the next time you are together. Tell her that you are working on being healthier, but that you are the size you are because that is who YOU are. Tell her your weight is off limits for discussion, and that she is NOT to discuss your weight with ANYONE EVER (and this means you not bringing it up either)! (You don't want her to end run via your son later on.) Don't threaten her with never seeing you again or your son, but lay it down for her that you are who you are and that if she cannot accept that, then you may limit your time with her in the future. I know what is like to have a mother with a martyr complex so I know that direct confrontation does not work nor do threats. Plain talk,in a calm voice typically does the trick.

Fourth, YOU need to accept yourself for who you are, and that is a valuable, wonderful, sexy, caring, loving mother and wife, a smart and vibrant woman who happens to be fuller bodied than some, but is still important.

Fifth, I have had the "we only tell you this because we love you" talks from family that I could not talk back to (older than me) and they only made me want to go eat a pound of Oreos. What changed was how I reacted to their "words of love." I accepted that this was their clumsy attempt at concern. I would let them talk, thank them gently for their concern and just go about my business. When I go old enough to talk to them on a reasonable level, meaning that they would listen, I calmly explained that I am happy with who I am and that I am very healthy. I don't drink, I don't (and never have) smoked, I am a vegetarian, and I have never taken an illegal drug in my life. (A lot of the family that was on me smoked, so....)

Finally, "Remember who you are." YOU are YOU and YOU are wonderful, no matter what she says. If you are happy with who you are,then again, I say toss it all.

We're here for you,and we support you.

(P.S. I know you are in an emotional state, but please watch your language.)

Hi Kim,
I apologize for the inappropriate language. I had to reread to see what I'd said; I guess it just came out that naturally, I didn't realize! But I will be careful from now on.

I really appreciate the reply. I *am* healthy, you know. I do walk and hike a lot with my family, and I'd like to eventually get back to the swimming, once my son is older and I can get more time to myself.

One thing you said particularly resonated with me, which is to tell her not to talk to anyone about my weight. I've been thinking about how she's probably discussing my weight with her sisters, and imagining them all tut-tutting about it is making my head hurt. I wonder if she'd honor my request if I told her not to discuss my weight with anyone anymore? I suppose it's worth a try.

I don't want to talk to her about it, I confess. It's already a real challenge for me to write a letter. I don't want to talk to her at all at the moment. I don't know what I'll end up doing.

I've been lucky enough not to have the parental guilt trip laid on me, but still I empathize. Advice-wise, I think Kim already hit the relevant points. So I'll just add my own voice saying that you are important, and you are welcome, just as you are.

Sophia, no prob on the language. It happens. As for healthy, as long as you are, then there is no problem from a health standpoint. Talk to your mother or don't, it may be a moot point if she likes to play victim. You may just want to wait until you are ready. If you are angry or hurt at the time, you may not make your points. Try writing letters you don't send, so don't worry about grammar or being coherent, but TELL your mother HOW you FEEL about EVERYTHING (in any colorful language you desire) and get your thoughts down. When they are cohesive, then and only then, do you either write you mother a well thought out letter or you talk to her using your talking points.

Just remember that we are here for you no matter what.

(A a note to all: please keep in mind that I go back to work tomorrow so I will be delayed in replies until Wed.)

First, welcome to the group. I am very sorry that you have found us through such an emotionally traumatic time, I hope that you find comfort and friendship here.

Second, I am going to be blunt (its who I am). It is none of your mother's business, and you need to let her know that if she cannot respect you and your boundaries, then she can cease communication. I know, it is easy to say. But in the long run you will be better off.

I have not been forced into such a decision based on my weight, but I HAVE been forced to make that decision more than once. I have siblings that I have not talked to in 20 years because I did not turn my back on my mother when she married her former brother-in-law shortly after my dad and his wife (my aunt) both passed away 15 days apart. I was more concerned that my mother be emotionally stabilized after losing her husband of 35 years and her sister in two weeks, closely following her brother0in-law and nephew dying the previous month.

I also have not seen or spoken with my 20 year old son in two years because he chose a dangerous, potentially deadly path with drugs and sex. I love him dearly and always will, but I will NOT let myself be destroyed by watching his destruction.

Back to you. You have a husband and a child to think of. How can you be there for them emotionally if you are being emotionally destroyed by your mother? Being close is awesome, and of course you love your mother. But her actions and her words are killing you by degrees, more so than your weight. There are a lot of people that are very overweight but are in good health. Let your mother know what her words did to you, and what her actions did to her. I would not wait until you see her again unless it will be soon. A letter or a phone call should serve. Personally, I would send her a letter via registered mail and keep a copy of it... just in case.

Looking at things from the outside, it seems that your mother cares mainly about appearance, not about health or happiness. I would rather be fat and happy than thin and miserable.

Thank you all for the replies and the support. This is a very hard time for me and knowing others have been through similar experiences and that you're sane, good people (as I can tell you are!) really helps. I've sent her a letter today. I tried to keep things simple and brief, but I was clear on how hurt I am. I hope it helps, but I'm coming to understand that I may have to cut her from my life. It would be very hard on both of us, and I hope it doesn't come to that. I just can't imagine her changing.

You are very welcome.

I am glad that we are here for you. People like you are why I started this group in the first place. I know that there are more people out there going through this type of situation and that there is not a whole lot of support unless you are seeking to lose weight but not be happy as you are, which is not a terrible thing despite what Madison Ave. would have you believe.

A lot of us have had to cut toxic people out of our lives over the years. I lost a good friend over a guy. I wouldn't give her bail money. I didn't like him, and I found out later I had good reason not to like him,but she got mad that I wouldn't loan her bail money for him. I found it very painful at first, but as time went on, I realized exactly how toxic she had been for me to be around.

"Love makes you do the wacky." as one of my favorite characters once said, and that is not always a good thing. We have all done strange things in the name of love, and at times, very hard things. Sometimes the only way to love somebody is from a distance, like Paul with his son. The love is there, but the distance is needed to be able to survive.

I know you fear her not changing, and you need to be prepared for her to take great umbrage at this letter,as she will get a LOT of millage out of her perceived victim-hood, but she may come around. Give her space and time. Let her know you are open to a relationship later on, but until she can accept you for who you are, you are not going to allow for this kind of treatment. She may settle down when she realizes that her behavior has cost her more than she thinks,she may change her tune.

Life is too short for mean people. It's a simple ideas with hard execution when it involves those we love. It is the same principal with physically abusive relationships, especially ones with parents who are the abusers. You love the parent, but not the actions, and they get you so wound up in their take on the world, that you believe it all the same.
That is why is hard for people to walk away from abusive relationships.

I can't say what in your mothers past (you mentioned an abusive marriage) may be the prompts for her to act this way. While I am not defending her, I am trying to see the whole picture. I had to learn to forgive my late dad for the way he raised me. I had to let go of what happened and understand why. It was the only way he knew. It took me a long time to get to that point. He did not hit me or threaten me out of some place of hatred for me, but the way he was raised which was the only way he knew how to raise me. It wasn't as bad as he had been through, and when he was a kid, that was how you raised your children. I had to accept that, as hard as it was, but I did finally realize that fact. Does it make a difference now,not really, but it did help me let go of a lot from the past.

You can only be responsible for you and your actions.

YOU are YOU and YOU are wonderful. YOU are welcome here and BIG HUGS.

Thanks again, Kim. Still waiting for a response from her.

Keep us posted. You have our support.

I second what Kim said. Your new friends are, indeed, here to lend our support. Thoughts and energies with you :)

My mother called and I let it go to the answering machine. She left a tearful message in which she reiterated her desire to pay for a weight loss program for me, but swore she wouldn't bring it up again unless I did. She also talked about how I may not realize she's aging and gets tired and stressed more easily. Apparently this is her explanation for the way she treated me when I was over there.

At first I was upset to hear how she was hurting. Then I thought about everything she said. I didn't hear an apology. I didn't hear anything like her admitting she'd made a mistake, or that she'd mistreated me. So I'm pretty much just pissed now. Which is better than heartbroken, and I also realize that this is what I expected. Sigh. I'm going to answer her as clearly as I can, in writing again, because that's the way I communicate best. And we'll see. I don't hold out much hope but it feels good to finally tell her everything I've been holding back. I'm going to do my best not to be too harsh about it, but I'm going to tell her what I got from her message, and how inadequate it is in addressing how I feel she has wronged me. I'm going to do this to validate myself. My mother is very big on gaslighting me, and I will not accept that this time. From there, I don't know what will happen on my end. On her end, I'm pretty sure I'll get more of the same. Will getting this stuff off my chest be enough for me? Will I be able to go back to having a relationship with her despite her refusal to confront her own behavior? I don't know.

Deflection by martyr complex, right on schedule. Hon, I'm so sorry that she, well, did exactly what you expected her to do. For what it's worth, I think you chose wisely in letting her message go to the machine. It sounds like that conversation could only have ended in either yelling, or you apologizing for upsetting her. Which was probably her goal with the whole 'tired and stressed' comment.

I am proud of you for sticking to your guns, for getting all this off your chest (especially in a calm and rational way; let any hysterics be on her part), and for not accepting the bull**** she's trying to deliver. (Apologies for language.)

Whether you can go back to having a relationship with her, or have to make a clean break, you are moving forward. Now it's her choice to either move forward with you, or be left alone in the past. Either way, you have friends here who have shoulders to cry on, arms to hug you, and more 'helpful' advice than you ever wanted.

Peace, love and happiness.

Narzain: the language is fine since you bleeped yourself.

Sophia: Narzain is very correct in his assessment of the situation (So smart and handsome. I am very lucky.) You knew that your mother would play victim here, and playing is what she is doing. If,as you said, she has gaslighted you in the past, then you know what she will do next. She will try to pack your bags and send you on a guilt trip.

This is where we practice "how I react to my mother" procedures. You are on the right track by NOT engaging her on her terms. That is the first correct thing in list of correct things you have done so far. Second, was recognizing that she did not apologize for her end of things. Third, you are validating yourself, and that is most likely the hardest thing to do at any point, but especially now. Fourth, you are sticking to a communication medium where you have the most emotional control, a letter. Speaking will only allow emotions to ratchet and for her to wheedle you into a decision that you will regret or goad you into a further blow up that has nothing to do with the situation at hand.

Standing firm at this juncture will be the hardest thing you will have to do. She will pour it on thick, she will use her grandchild to guilt you, she will use the "I only do this because I love you" schtick, and she will rant,cry,maintain radio silence and all around pitch a major fit and fall in it to try to shake you loose from your high ground.

Keep reminding yourself that YOU are better than this, that while you love your mother, you don't love her actions, and that YOU are worth every bit of love,friendship,kindness,and self worth you have in your life. DO NOT let her engage you in an emotional discussion. Keep repeating to her your message of your feelings, how HER actions make you feel and if, when it is all said and done, she cannot or will not give you a proper apology, even if it is not for everything, then make that clear to her why you are either limiting your contact with her or why you are cutting her our of your life for good.

You can't control your mother, her actions or her reactions, but you can control yours. I give you big kudos for doing this. It is not easy to stand up to a parent, a doctor (see my own recent moment of that in "Standing up for myself") or anyone else that we trust to protect us and help us do what's best for ourselves when they are clearly wrong. Your mother is a bully of the worst kind. She uses her fears as yours and uses emotional blackmail to manipulate you. (I know from personal experience how THAT goes!)

The trick, which you are learning,is to see it coming and not let it affect you. This means you may be seen as an ungrateful brat, a b*****, a cold unfeeling daughter,etc. So be it. YOU are NOT ANY of those things, but to her you will seem to be, so be ready for a lot of vitriol to be thrown at you when she doesn't get her way. Watch out for the family maneuver, in which other members of the family get involved trying to plead you mothers hurt feelings to you,and try to get around your defenses.

Dig in, it may be long siege. Have plenty of chocolate (dark of course),plenty of tissues, a good book or two, and an a**load of resolve to stick to your principles. It won't be easy,it will hurt, and it will suck, but it will be the best thing for you in the end.

WE are here for YOU and WE think that YOU are wonderful just the way you are.

I agree with what Kim and Aaron said completely. You are doing what is best for you. When all is said and done, you are NOT responsible for your mother. You have to be strong for your self and for your family. And the most important part of that is taking care of yourself.

While I was battling for custody of my son ( a LONG drawn out battle that ended with Children;s Services filing the same charges I had filed three years previously, the court dismissing MY case, and THEN giving me custody when the damage had already been done) I pushed for my ex-wife to take parenting classes and to be evaluated mentally. They asked if I would be willing to do the same. Of course, I said, anything for my son's benefit. One thing that I will always remember from the parenting class was a scenario that they gave.... if you are in an airplane that loses air pressure, would you put the oxygen mask that would drop on yourself or your child first? Everyone except me said the child first (as that's what they thought they should say). The correct answer was to take care of yourself first, because if you passed out from lack of oxygen and the plane crashed, who would take care of your child?

You are doing that now... painful as it might be. You are taking the steps to make sure you are ok so that you can be there for your child (and by extension your husband as well). It may well be one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but it sounds like it will be one of the most beneficial things you'll ever do at the same time.

Your mother is your mother. You obviously love her, or this would be a simple thing for you to do. However, she is an adult. She made her choices many years ago when she was emotionally abusing you (yes, that is exactly what she was doing, whether she intended to or not) and shattering a young child's self image and emotional well-being. Take care of yourself, and let her do the same. Stay strong, the payoff WILL be worth it. Surround your self with family and friends that love you for who you are, not for who THEY think you should be.

We may not know you in the real world, but you are now part of our group. We are here for you.

Thanks, everyone. I just sent off the second letter after several rewrites. My husband was afraid I was being too harsh. I've gotten to a point where I don't even know anymore. I know she won't change, so why throw everything at her? I tried to make the letter more positive in tone: "I'd like it if we could do this and that, and treat each other as friends" etc. rather than several paragraphs of how she was hurting me, which was the original version. I still left some of that in, and especially addressed the fact that once again in the message she left, she said she wanted to pay for the weight loss program. Ugh, makes me want to scream. I'll see how she takes it. If she tries to cooperate and be kind, I will continue in this vein. If she goes the emotional blackmail/guilt trip/gaslighting route, I'm going to have to cut her off, or be harsh, or something.

Kim, it's like you know her and my family or something. I'm already braced for one of my aunts to call me and tell me all about how hard I'm being on my mother. I am not looking forward to this.

Thanks again, everyone. I really appreciate you all and all the supportive, kind things you've been saying. It really helps.

Sweetie, I have seen my own family pull the same stunts over the years, so I can predict how your family and you mother are going to react. I have seen my friends with siblings go through more of this type of horse hockey than I would care to think about. I have been at ground zero for 1 divorce during my career, and 3 custody cases over the years (2 with friends and 1 while on the job) and I have seen first hand the underhanded,sneaky, and downright nasty things people do when cornered.

I am not perfect nor is my advice, but I can tell you what I have learned from my own witnessing of these situations and my own dealings with my own mother who has a martyr complex of her own. I have learned that people will lash out out of fear. I cannot speak for what your mother has gone through that may have caused her own fears to manifest onto you about appearance or her own insecurities, but if your letter is harsh, then it is harsh. I think that no matter what you say or how you say it, she is going to see this as an attack. Period. You could be the Mother Teresa, The Dali Lama and Gandhi all rolled into one at this point and she is still going to feel under attack.

Again, I say you can change how you react to your mother. Telling her how she makes you feel when she does (blank) is a good step. Now, you have to prepare yourself for the consequences of what you laid out for her. Make sure you are prepared to follow through with your stated plan and have support in place to carry through. We are here for you, but you do need real time off screen support.

We have all gone through the self loathing thing, the self hatred thing, the "if I was thinner" thing with ourselves and put upon us by others in our lives. Some may be going through that right now, but don't have the bravery to talk about it. YOU are very brave to share this with people you don't know from Adam's apple. YOU have chosen to stand up to your mother (which is very hard) and you are standing up to yourself and for yourself for doing this.

Yes, by standing up to your mother, you are standing up to yourself and telling yourself that you are not going to let this be done to you any more. That is a brave and wonderful thing to do, and I am impressed.

I am humbled that you chose us to share with,and I hope that our advice and support are the boost you need to continue on your journey to becoming the fabulous woman you are and continue to be. Be well, be at peace, be happy, be you.

And let me just add that I'm proud of you for using "I" language instead of "you" language in the final draft. In other words, "I feel like..." instead of "You did..." That's a good communication tool, and helps you be the reasonable one. She can (and likely will) still interpret what you say as an attack but that is, in the end, her problem.

You are a brave and wonderful person, and I wish you well in this difficult quest.

Thanks again, everyone. At the moment, she's giving me the silent treatment. ::eyeroll::

'Twas expected. Remember,don't engage her or your aunts. If she wants to talk to you in a civil and respectful way, then and only then, talk to her.

We're here for you. :)

So, I just got an email from her and I am livid, and also incredibly disappointed. I was really hoping she'd understand how hurtful her behavior was and that she'd apologize. I know, I know--I've been the one listening to friends who hope for some loved one to be a certain way when it's so obvious that's never going to happen many, many times. I just really wanted to believe my mother was capable of better.

In her letter she hurled guilt trips at me for how unappreciative I am of all the work she did to make my visit perfect for me. She also justified sending the You're-so-fat-you're-going-to-die letter YET AGAIN. She apologized for not getting me glasses when I was thirteen and for making me wear wool sweaters when I was a kid despite the fact I hated how itchy they were. She also apologized for leaving my dad and forcing me to move with her and leave all of my friends--so that was nice. But nothing about anything in recent memory and certainly nothing about her behavior during our visit. She said that her aggravation with me was "light and quick to pass" (hello, gaslight, long time no see) and that I'm venting rage on her but she's not the right target. And that if she did show aggravation towards me that she certainly was much harder on my uncle. Because obviously, her lashing out at my uncle makes the way she treated me hunky dorie. She also accused me of spending too much time on the computer when I was there in response to my saying in my last email to her that I wished we might have spent more time doing nice things together. The fact that I use my computer to write the novels she claims to be proud of does not enter her mind.

Anyway, details. The point is, she doesn't get it and she never will. She's never going to change. I can look forward to all future interactions with her continuing to have elements of shaming, gaslighting, guilt trips, etc. I'm so frustrated, angry, and sad right now. I can't stand thinking she's got all of my family members over there convinced I'm being this raging adolescent, too. UGH.

I've written an angry response that I'm going to sit on for a while and revisit before I send it. I'm just so fed up and I don't have any hope of things improving, so why not just tell her off once and for all?

Then again, maybe the best thing to do is just send her a note saying, in effect, "Never mind." She's not going to hear what I need her to hear. Maybe it's just better to disengage and try my best not to care so much anymore.

At the very least, write it. Put your feelings into writing for your own benefit if nothing else. Should you mail it? Only you know that. Do not let anyone... ANYONE... tell you what to do. YOU are the only one that can make that choice, or SHOULD make that choice. Whatever you decide to do, be true to your self and stand firm.

Alas, none of her responses are particularly surprising. Painful, hurtful, and manipulative, yes, but not surprising. You have our sincere empathy, and all the virtual hugs you can stand.

I do think it's a good idea to sit on the angry response for a bit. That way, if you do decide to send it, it's a rational decision, not a knee-jerk throwing fuel on the fire. Whatever you decide to do, make sure that it's YOUR decision. As Paul so eloquently said, be true to yourself.

I concur with my fellow posters. Sitting on the angry letter is best as anger will only fan the flames. You yourself predicted how things would play out,so no surprise there on that front. The thing now is to figure out how you are going to go from here. If you do decide to leave a door open, then leave it open and allow time for her come to you. If you decide to close it, than close it firmly and walk away.

Will any of this not hurt? Of course not. It will hurt like a son of a gun, but you can survive the pain and move on. There is a misguided sense of love under all of this, which I think all of us have had at one time or another. It is the clumsy "I only say this because I love you" spiels we have heard from well meaning family who don't realize that they are hurting us more than helping us.

First priority is taking care of you and yours. Your mother has made her bed and now must lie upon it, and you my dear must take a deep breath,stand back, and figure out your choices.

We are here for you as you need us.

Paul, Narzain, and Kim,
Thank you all so much. I really appreciate your support. You've only just met me, but you've welcomed me into your space and listened and sympathized as I've dumped all my troubles on you. That is incredibly generous and kind, and I want you to know I am aware of how rare and special you are. Thank you.

I've now written 3-ish letters (the -ish refers to a sheet of paper that is really more of a brainstorm than a letter) and I haven't decided which is going to be the one. There may be a fourth and a fifth, who knows. I think what bothers me the most about her latest response is that she implies I'm being childish, ungrateful, and petty. For a moment, reading it, I believed it. I doubted myself, I worried. But it didn't take long for me to recognize the guilt trips, the gaslighting, and the denial, and I have stepped away from her characterization of me. I want to redefine myself in my response to her, though I know that she won't hear me. It's so frustrating to need for someone to hear you, and know they never will!

Thank you so much for your kind words. See,a childish, ungrateful and petty person would not recognize others, thus proving (as you realized on your own so good for you!) your mother wrong. As I said previously, the letter writing that is not cohesive or grammatically correct is just fine as a way to get it all out of you. You then can either collate it all into a cohesive letter or just burn them and let go of the emotions behind them.

You are not going to change your mother and whatever brain washing she has endured, but like I have said, you can change how YOU react to her. I had to do that with some family of mine. I had to learn to smile,nod,and say "thank you for your concern" and walk away. Eventually, they either backed off or passed away as I got older and some even learned that I am healthy despite my weight of around 350 and that I am HAPPY with who I am,which I think is the hardest thing for people to accept. If they are not happy with themselves, then surely others must feel the same way.

When I was 19, I worked at a local discount chain as a door greeter. (The owner was worried about Sprawl-Mart moving into the area at the time. We lasted 3 months before the position was dissolved chain wide.) I had a customer come up to me one day and ask me if I was happy. When I said I was, she seemed shocked that I was happy at my size (a little thinner than I am now, but not by much) as she had just lost a bunch of weight and was happy with herself. I had to stand there and accept her lecture with a smile on my face even though I wanted forget I'm a pacifist and punch her in her smug mouth.

Nothing I could have said then would have changed her mind because she was convinced that if her experience was "x" then everyone in this situation MUST be "x" as well. I was and am happy with WHO I am and WHO I am just happens to be in a fuller sized package. I am who I am. You are who you are. Ta mere est ta mare. You can't force a person to change if they truly don't want to, and it sounds to me like her fears are too great to let go at this time. I feel that dropping it for now, not engaging her, and leaving the door open for later communication is fine. She sounds like she loves you, no matter how misguided her notions are, and unless you are discussing weight, you seem to get along fine.

An unfortunate consequence of her actions is that she will lose contact with her grandchild. I would not throw this is her face, mind, but I would allow it to sink in as you keep from engaging with her. If you decide to keep in contact, if she starts in on you, you just have to say firmly that you are ending the call/visit/what have you if she cannot stay off the subject, then end it. This also means that YOU cannot bring it up either or you will open the door you wanted closed.


Again we are here as needed.

(Note: the library is closed Sun/Mon for Labor Day so no computer for me until Tue.)

I don't mean to poke the bear darling,but how are you doing with your situation?

Hi Kim,
Thanks for checking in. I actually haven't heard from her in about a month. The last email I sent to her, I listed some of the things she'd said and done because she was still claiming that this was all concern over my health (which, to reiterate, is fine, and my father, who I inherit my body from, is thirty years older than me, and fine). I told her I would never believe that, that saying so was comforting herself with a lie, and I listed some of the stuff I've told you guys about to illustrate the messages she's given me since I was little. She responded and tried to excuse every instance, of course, but she also seemed to take some responsibility. And then she really wanted to talk on the phone, and I told her I needed a bit more time. About two weeks ago? Maybe three? I let her know that if she wanted to call I was ready to talk, and since then, I have heard nothing from her.

Honestly at this point I'd just as soon not talk to her anyway, so it's for the best. I'm not sure when I'll want to talk to her again. Right now it feels like never, and I'd only be doing it because I don't want her to lose her only daughter and her only grandchild. But for me, it will be very painful and hard and weird. I don't know what to say to her because it feels like my options are to either express the anger I still have, which is redundant since I've done that already, or pretend everything is fine, which is dishonest and incongruent. So, no win, that I can see. But I'm going to have to talk to her sooner or later, because I do care about her. At this point what's hard is not knowing when the phone call will come. :P

But thank you all again for being so caring and supportive. I really appreciate it!

Oh sweetie, I know that this is hard. It is hard enough to stop repeating harmful patterns to ourselves let alone get someone else to let go of theirs. Giving yourself time was very wise, else she may have worn you down on the phone and all would have been for naught.

Glad we could be there for you and bien sur we will be there in the future.

Such a difficult thing to face. Its awesome that you are standing firm... it is, in my opinion, the best choice for you and your family.

Hugs to you.

Thanks you guys. You really are so kind!

Il n'y a pas de quois. We are always here to listen to any and all problems big or small.