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Hunted Query Letter Critique--SECOND DRAFT, please check it out!
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You should put your last name in there, too, and your e-mail address. Some agents like to respond via email--even if you sent it to them through snail mail.Awesome, though, Sella! Way better than my query letter. I loved how well you described the story.
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Umm, perhaps a transition between the description of the novel and the other stuff you have written.
If you feel the need to keep your age a secret (which really isn't nescessary... it's really just a preference) then you could take out the part about the school newspaper. Otherwise, it's fine.
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Awesome, though, Sella! Way better than..."
Oh yeah, I'm definitely putting my contact info, I know that - I just didn't want to put it up on the internet now, lol. :D Thanks :D
Awesome, thanks Brigid!! :D
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Okay! Thanks for the advice! :D
Okay, just letting you know in case you didn't. :)
message 8:
by
Sella, ov vey! i haven't checked this group in months. ><
(last edited Jun 20, 2009 03:01PM)
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Dear (name of agent here),
What would you do if you had to choose between the one you loved – and your entire career?
What would you do if the one you loved was a vampire – and you were assigned to kill it?
A nineteen-year-old man named James faces this and many other impossible challenges in my young-adult novel, Hunted. Hunted is a completed, modern-day urban fantasy set in the busy streets of Albany, New York, and consists of about 120 thousand words.
Vampire Hunter No. 2197 – a.k.a. James – is part of an organization of vampire killers. His job seems simple – go out into the world, use the training he's received over the last ten years, and exterminate the predators. But James is beginning to realize that being a superhuman with awesome magic powers and sword-fighting skills is not all that it's cracked up to be.
To his horror, James begins to fall for Sylfaen – the vampress he's supposed to kill – and he procrastinates killing her again and again. Unfortunately, he has a Vampire Hunter girlfriend, Jade, who is oblivious to what he's doing. James is overwhelmed with guilt for the forbidden feelings he's nursing behind Jade's back, but he can't bring himself to stop.
A crazy whirlwind of events leads to James abruptly bearing the blood of his best friend on his hands. Suddenly, James finds himself in a mess bigger than the job description could have ever implied.
Hunted is a novel about one man's struggles to find his identity, escape the consequences of the horrible murder he's committed, and decide on which side he really belongs – as war rages on in the world around him.
Hunted is similar to books such as Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer, or Vampire Kisses, by Ellen Schreiber, because it shares the theme of vampires. However, it is also very different from these books, because unlike Twilight and Vampire Kisses, it doesn't focus on the forbidden love between vampires and humans, but rather how that forbidden love is wrong, and the kind of trouble it can lead to.
Readers of both genders can enjoy Hunted. Hunted will appeal from ages 12 to 18.
I have written one novella and many short stories. I am working on a few novels, but Hunted is the only one that is finished. None of my work has been published.
Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript is available upon request.
Keep in mind that I'm going to add a line that says why I chose whatever agent I'll pick (i.e. if the agent specializes in fantasy, then I'll say that my book is fantasy, so that's why I've chosen this agent ... etc).
Please give me feedback! Is it ready or not? :D
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The second one is better than the first.
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Hi Sella,Please take these suggestions as my opinion. Your story sounds interesting, and needs a query that sings. Most first query attempts don’t follow the rules and need many revisions. Good luck. -S.S.
A good reference:
http://queryshark.blogspot.com
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for HUNTED a 121, 270-word modern day urban fantasy.
Vampire Hunter No. 2197 is beginning to realize that being a superhuman with kick-ass magic powers and sword-fighting skills is not all that it's cracked up to be.
JAMES––A.K.A. NO. 2197¬-¬ HAS forbidden feelings FOR Sylfaen, A vampress he's supposed to kill, and GUILT? SHOW the blood of his best friend dirtying his hands. he suddenly finds himself in a mess DOING WHAT? bigger than the job description could have ever implied. GIVE A GLIMPSE OF IT.
SET UP THE CONFLICT AND THE STAKES HERE.
Hunted is a novel about JAME'S struggles to find his identity, escape the consequences of the horrible murder he's committed, and decide on which side he really belongs –
DON’T TELL WHAT THE STORY IS ABOUT, SHOW IT.
as war rages on in the world around him. WHAT WAR? EXPLAIN THE NATURE OF IT.
HUNTED is a young adult novel of 121,268 words and is my first novel. My writing history includes XXX articles printed in the XXX school newspaper and XX articles in the newsletter.
Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript is available upon request.
Sincerely,
CONTACT INFO HERE (redacted for this website)
S.S.--I was just about to recommend the QueryShark blog as well. I've found it helpful (even though I am not quite ready to write a query letter myself).Things I have learned from reading the blog: start with your story, not the word count or that you are seeking representation--the last is obvious--after all you it is a query letter. Though
you can do it.
Sella--another site I found helpful, in several ways:
http://www.agentquery.com/format_tips...
Using it as a guideline: YA novels are 40-60,000 words, also you don't use the exact word count but round up to an even number: 121,000 words--you had it in the second draft I think, but it has gotten a little lost from all the posts.
As to the rest, I agree with S.S.--but then that is just my opinion and you can take it or leave it as you will.
Best of luck!
Ellen
I just finished writing a query letter for my novel, Hunted. Please read it and then give me suggestions on how to improve it!! Thanks. :D
Dear _______: ((I don't know what agent I'm sending it to yet))
What would you do if you had to choose between the woman you thought you loved – and your entire career?
A nineteen-year-old man named James faces this and many other impossible challenges in my young-adult novel, Hunted. Hunted is a completed, modern-day urban fantasy set in the busy streets of Albany, New York, and consists of 121, 268 words.
Vampire Hunter No. 2197 – a.k.a. James – is beginning to realize that being a superhuman with kick-ass magic powers and sword-fighting skills is not all that it's cracked up to be. With forbidden feelings towards Sylfaen, the vampress he's supposed to kill, and the blood of his best friend dirtying his hands, he suddenly finds himself in a mess bigger than the job description could have ever implied. Hunted is a novel about one man's struggles to find his identity, escape the consequences of the horrible murder he's committed, and decide on which side he really belongs – as war rages on in the world around him.
I have written one novella and many short stories. I am working on a few novels, but Hunted is the only one that is finished. I have published many articles in my school newspaper, and I have had many stories featured in the school newsletter.
Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript is available upon request.
Sincerely,
Sella