Perspective Plus discussion

Until recently, I had a what I thought was a good friend, suddenly just break off our relationship. I have been left wondering what did I do to cause this. She has been different toward me since my breast lump scare in November and by last week I had my suspicions confirmed that we were no longer friends. We have been friends for about a year, meeting at the library over common ground. She is about my mom's age (give or take) and we got along "like a house on fire" as the saying goes.

The oddities of our friendship were many,but not unusual for having met someone at the library. Neither of us knew the others address,only a phone number and we pretty much only got together for breakfast once a week at the local Dunkin which is about a 2 minute walk from the library.

In November, she started punking out on me for breakfast, not showing up at all and not calling me to tell me why she wasn't there which she usually did so I wouldn't worry. She LOVED Narain and was very friendly with him as well. By the day before Christmas Eve,she was not seemingly happy with me because of how I was not handling the whole Target breach. To her mind, I was one of 40 million people (at the time) and what was I upset about? Ah,becasue I am a Target card holder and couldn't get the bloody company on the bloody phone so I couldn't do any of the steps to protect yourself your were instructed to do, so I was scared and mad at the same time.* This may have been what set her off. I am not sure.


All I know is that I called her a few times after Christmas to let her know that I was bringing her bakery items to the library and to let me know if she wanted them. In my final call, which I kept light, I told her that this would be my last call and if she wanted to talk, she knows where to find me. I know she has talking caller I.D. so if she was there, she knew it was me, and I left messages that may have just been erased.

My big clue to all of this, because up to this point I thought she may have been sick and unable to talk, was last week when I was at the library and she sailed right past me and into the computer lab. Her nose was so high in the air, a plane was in danger of going up it. I went home and deleted her number from my phone to keep me from doing something foolish. The next day, I went to take the elevator down since I was feeling a muscle pull, and low and behold she popped out the doors, breezing past me as if the devil himself was setting her pants on fire.

That left me with no doubt that our friendship is over. I am hurt, perhaps not as much as I was at first, but I am left wondering what in the bloody world I did to cause this to end so abruptly. As far as I can tell, I did nothing wrong. She talks trash about a cousin whom she was close too until just before we became friends and she and this cousin happen to share a aquatics class. The cousin, whom was nicknamed "dumba**" hasn't spoken to her for over a year, and apparently broke off speaking abruptly to my former friend the same way my former friend did to me.

I am now beginning to see why her cousin stopped talking to her. What I want to know, is straight out, am I right or am I wrong to be keeping my distance?


*Since the original week of disclosure, I have gotten through to Target once, and very late at night. I used my debit card as well during that time and my bank issued me a new card without my having to ask. Target still has yet to contact me directly about anything....

I think that you are doing the right thing. Attempting to confront her would most likely prompt words to be said that just don't need to be heard. Whether her issue is that you are not a malleable, controllable extension of herself, or if she has some completely other issue, the issue is hers. Yes, it hurts, because someone you trusted has abused that trust and shunned your friendship. I don't think that you're likely to get any real closure, at least not from her, so best to let time do that healing-all-wounds thing and leave her to her own devices.

(On a side note, according to the news, there are at least 3 fake emails floating around from 'Target' about the data breach, so be VERY careful what you open.)

I guess I have known that I am indeed doing the right thing here, since my phone calls went un-returned that was my first clue. Doing what is right is not always the easy thing and many people have told me not to dwell on it and just let it go, which is easier said than done. I am wondering what my new nickname is....most likely "fata**". Oh, well, people come and go in our lives. Maybe this was one of those May-December friendships. Who knows...I just would like a better reason than I didn't handle something the way she would have so therefore we can't be friends anymore.

*Sigh*

Comfort to you my dear. You did the right thing, and you did nothing wrong from what I can see. I have to wonder if she's patched things up with the cousin... she sounds like she might be one of the people that can only be friends with one person at a time. BIG huggies and much love.

I agree that you're right to let her go. We all have to deal with toxic people in our lives, but sometimes you do have a choice to exclude them. This is one of those times.

Thanks to both of you. I knew in my heart I was doing the right thing, and Narzain knows about the whole thing and witnessed most of the recent interactions,yet I still doubted what he told me 'cause he's the boyfriend and all that, so he's supposed to be supportive. I do not have much experience with relationships that just end for no reason. Have I stopped being friends with people? Of course, but there was a reason for it, and both parties knew there was a reason.

Oh well, this is just one of those great mysteries of life. I have plenty of really good friends so if one putz is out of my life, then I'm better off.

Priss pot was at the library yesterday and ignoring me again. I am finding it very hard NOT to go up to her and say something. I really thought she was such a good friend that I even created and named a cookie after her! (The name has been changed recently.) I am so torn between being the person on the high ground and Gibbsing her up her pointed head!

How do you handle this kind of thing? I have never had to deal with this before.

Just completely ignore her... even if she deign speak to you again. Which I doubt.

I know, be the bigger person and ignore it, but it is frustrating!

That is hard! It's like a thorn in your side. I had a friend once tell me not to give anyone "space in my head rent-free." Good advice, but easier said than done!

What's important is you. If talking to her will make you feel better, do it. Just keep in mind her response may be nasty.

I'm also not against avoiding a problem if it's the only option, for a while. Is there another library you can visit for a couple of weeks? For what it's worth, I don't see this as "letting her win" or anything like that. It's about your comfort. Taking some distance for a little while may bring you to a spot where it's easier to ignore her later. Just a thought.

I think that she may be coming later when she typically knows I have left and I admit,the few days I have seen her I was later than normal in leaving, so I am bound to see her from time to time. I am trying not to approach her because as Narzain has pointed out, I will most likely not get closure from her and if I talk to her, I run the risk of being nasty myself. (This is why I deleted her number from the phone, so yay me, I was thinking for once.)

I am mostly puzzled and yes, hurt. I thought she was my friend and since there was no direct fight or other obvious reason, I am left with the feelings of "What in the World?!" and "What crawled up your hind end and died?".

I agree with the idea of "not letting her win" so I am going to stick with my branch. I was here first and all that.

I do understand that she may be hurt as well and would like to talk to me but is not sure what I would say...

Oh well, life puts people on our path, some stay only a short time,others longer, but each one teaches us a lesson, and we need to learn. I learned that some people are priss pots.

Here I go again with a new problem, same place, different person. I know that I am not always the nicest person in the world nor do I always have a nice look on my face when I am annoyed. That said, yesterday, I had an incident that has voluntarily put me at a different library where I think I will be going for a few weeks. I feel that I have done nothing wrong but I am so upset that I feel that I cannot defend myself at this time without making it worse.

I was leaving the library and saw another patron an I am friendly with and we usually see each other in the morning before the library opens. I hadn't seen her lately and was having an innocuous conversation with her, one I now cannot remember because of what happened next. As I was talking to her, another woman came in whom I do not know when or how I peed in her corn flakes, but I have, came in. Now, I tend to track movement without realizing it and I was NOT talking to her or about her, but somehow she took it into her mind that I had because the next thing I hear as I am walking out of the door, is "EXCUSE ME! WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" I just kept going and refused to engage.

I was so upset yesterday that I only ate a banana until dinner, which I picked at. I was so upset that I truly contemplated playing in heavy traffic because I thought that that would help the situation. I almost called Narz and left him a "good-bye message" at home yesterday I was that upset. ( I want to stress that this was a FEELING and was NOT acted upon in any way shape or form.)

I do not know exactly what I have done to this woman, but I do see at other places I go, like my local Dunkin where I get my weekly coffee, and the last time I saw her there, she gave me such a look that I should have caught on fire right then and there, and I was the only one in the place so I know it was me she was looking at. She sat right in front of me with her back to me the entire time, which puzzled me because the place was empty.

A few weeks ago, Narz heard her say "Oh,thank God.", when I left to go swimming and another patron I see regularly told me that this woman frequently makes similar comments if I leave before her if she is in the section I like to sit in. Since I get there before 9 in the morning, I feel I can sit where I like and I do have a particular place I like to sit. All the regulars do.

I feel so scared right now, and that if I should see her there anytime soon, that it will not end well. I feel though that by not going and letting my side be heard, I am making myself look guilty. I don't think that I can defend myself to anyone in charge without making it look like I am defending an action I didn't make.

I feel that the right thing is staying away on my own so that I don't get forcibly asked to stay away by the library. I am afraid to say anything to anyone at all from now on, including saying "good morning" to Narz.

I am better today by the way, after sleeping on it, I feel that my decision is the correct one, and I no longer feel that not being in this world is the correct choice.

First off, REALLY big huggies. THe good thing is you recognize the difference between horrible feelings and acting on them. We cannot control what we feel, but we can work on how we handle those feelings. Kudos to you.

Second, I think under the circumstances you should consider going back to the library at a time when you are not likely to run into her and talk to the head librarian. They likely should be told what happened from your side to prevent any problems arising.

Please note, I am not advocating you going back immediately and on your regular schedule... only you know how you are feeling.

Again, more BIG huggies. Love you very much dear!

The woman sounds psychologically disturbed to me, Kim. There are a lot of people like that around, and there's nothing you can do to stop her from focusing her anxiety and/or delusions on you.

Perhaps consider putting a complaint in to the library about her behavior towards you. She's apparently been blatantly rude several times.

Thank you both.

This has not been easy for me. I feel like my safe place has been violated. So, I am going to lie low for a few days and go elsewhere. Narz is going to keep going to my usual library in the mornings (at least for now) and feel out what is what with the staff for me. They all know me and they know him so there may be questions as to how I am and my whereabouts. Gauging on that will determine my return schedule. I have no idea how often this woman shows up or at what time, since she is not always there every day or upstairs at the same time. I have seen her as early at 9:30 and I have seen her come in when I'm leaving around 10:30/11:00 (which depends on if it's a swim day or if I have a lot research to do).

I am a lot calmer today as I finally got to SWIM yesterday of for the first time in almost a month. With my foot, I have not been able to swim at all or go far as I like due to pain and my blisters last week kept me out of the pool entirely since I didn't know what would happen should I introduce them to chlorine. I got to do my usual in my new suit which kinda helped make up for the day before.


I may be wrong about this. I may have said something that could have been misconstrued if overheard, but since I was so rattled at being yelled at, I have no clue as to what I said, and that is big since I remember most of what happens. (Not an eidetic memory, but I do have a large capacity for retention [all those years of having to memorize bible passages and entire anthems in elementary school seem to have paid off...])

I will eventually go back, and only if I know that my return will not cause more problems. I figure that if I stay away on my own, then nothing "official" has to be done to placate the situation, and I don't have to sign anything admitting guilt I do not have. I may be guilty of saying something that was misunderstood, but not guilty of talking to or about this particular person.

Sorry, but I have to disagree with part of your statement here. You did NOTHING wrong. If this "person" (and I use the term VERY loosely)overheard part of your conversation.... so what? You were not talking about her. She had NO RIGHT, nor reason nor cause, to act the way she did. I purposely did NOT say react. From outside the situation, she has a MASSIVE problem dealing with, shall I say it? fat people. That is HER problem and she needs to learn to deal with it. SHE needs put in check, SHE needs called out by staff, SHE needs to make alterations. She does not own the library. She does not pay their bills. She does not have exclusive rights. Period.

As I mentioned privately, I won't volunteer information, but if a librarian asks, I will tell them what I know. If I see this person in the library, I will be good and NOT punch her through the face. I promise. But I'll think about it really hard.

I think that laying low for a bit is probably a good idea, more to settle your nerves than because of any reaction from the library. After all, you were having a quiet conversation, and someone randomly started screaming at you. She was causing a disturbance; you were leaving. There is a wrong side, and she is on it.

I guess that I am just geared to believe that I am wrong all the time. I may have said something that could have been misconstrued. I do that. I am not always quiet when I talk and I may have said something. I don't know. I admit, I am a little territorial when it comes to that library. I feel protective of the staff and am concerned about them. I ask after their kids and ask about them if I know they are sick. They're kinda like extended family to me.

I may be guilty here of saying something that was not directed at or about her but could have been taken wrong. I am sorry that any of this happened. I am sorry that I am too loud, too snarky, too what have you that set this whole thing into motion. No,this person is not making me feel this way, I am making myself feel this way. I don't like to be in a situation where I have caused trouble in a place that I feel safe. While there are those who deserve my snark,I may have appeared to cross a line here, and the appearance is what has me upset. That others may think that I am a problem or that if I did trigger a complaint, then there would have to be an official action to satisfy the problem. This is not about who is right or wrong, but how it seems who was right or wrong. I may be in the right, but to keep the situation from escalating, I may have to be seen as being "handled". Squeaky wheel and all that. I am not sure if anything has come of this, but preparing for the worst here.

It may not be right or fair, but I can see the point of it if that was my only option as the person in charge. I am not mad at the staff or the library itself,but I am mad myself and at this woman. I am mad at myself for just not leaving when I was going and not stopping to talk to someone else and for the woman yelling at me. I did keep my own mouth in check by not engaging, which in of itself is a miracle.

My mother always told me that my mouth would get me me in trouble...

STOP! Just stop right there. Don't you DARE blame yourself. That b@$%^ has a grudge against you, she stuck her nose where it didn't belong. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You did NOT do anything wrong. I am INCENSED that the staff did not intervene in the situation,and that the person you were talking to apparently didn't speak up either. You are too good a person to bash yourself over what some fool did TO you.

I don't know what happened after I left. I have been staying away for my own sake and Narz went there yesterday,but I won't talk to him until tonight as he had after work errands to run last night after work. I may find out that nothing has happened,that no complaint was filed or anything like that. I am too scared and emotional right now to go in an find out on my own.

I am mostly working through what I am feeling right now and am trying to get a grip on what I may have said that could have lead to this. I am by no means perfect and I understand that, but I still have a LOT of ingrained responses to things like this that I am still working on.

You are an AWESOME human being. You have your issues, we all do. Its called being human. YOU, however, acknowledge them and are working (VERY hard) on dealing with and/or resolving them. FAR more than most others can say. In short, my dear, you ROCK! <3

What Paul said.

Kim, you already know my take on this. For the record, I strongly doubt that you are in any trouble, as I doubt this... person... had the attention span to lodge any sort of complaint. I agree with your choice to distance yourself for a time until you can work through things and get back to a calm place. But don't work yourself up to the point where your safe place isn't yours anymore.

I cannot tell you what that meant to me to read this this morning. I have been living in doubt most of the week and I am a little better this morning. I appreciate the fact that all of you can see the warts and all of me and that you can still support me, even if I am in the wrong, you all can see the right that is me, and that is pretty awesome as well.

Narz: Thank you for that as well. You comment hadn't posted when I responded to Paul's. All of you in this group are pretty great yourselves and the fact that all of you put up with me is pretty amazing all on it's own as I am NOT easy to get along with all the time. For now, this group is my calm place. I am a person who needs to talk things through, to ad nauseum at times, to finally reach a place of resolve, if not resolution.

I am still working on the whole "not EVERYTHING is my fault" thing. I do recognize that some things are my fault, in part or entirely, but not EVERYTHING is my fault all the time, every time, even if I had nothing to do with it in any way shape or form.

I am still a work in progress.

As are we all, my dear. As are we all.

I am happy to report that as of this morning, Narain got a straight answer for me from one of the librarians I am friendly with. It appears that the person who yelled at me reported that someone called her a "bitch" but she was described as, well let's just say radio contact with her marbles is lacking. No one heard anything so it is clearly her delusions vs. my word, and since it sounds like she's a frequent flier, I should have no problem going back.

I have decided that I will go back on Monday and see what happens. I have decided that I am going to keep myself to a strict schedule from now on and that I will quit "finding things to do" for the sake of "finding things to do" instead of what I really need to do. This way, I will perhaps avoid her in the future and I will also be more productive in my day.

I will finish out the week elsewhere since I just don't want to run into her just yet. I am now working on letting go and letting it be.

Awesomeness! Even more big huggies.

I will go back on Monday as I have said, but I do not know what I am walking into, so there is a little trepidation on my part. To know the full scope of what occurred has helped me ratchet down a few notches. We'll see. I will keep you all posted.

Hi Kim,
As I suggested before, I think you might consider filing a complaint against her. She's creating a hostile environment against you. She seems unreasonable and quite possibly unbalanced, and therefore the chances of further problems with her are probable. You do not have to put up with harassment.

I will wait to see what happens when I go back on Monday. I just want to go back to my routine and keep going to this location as it is close to home. I don't know if I can file a complaint against her as I cannot openly prove anything has been done to me by her. If she pulls something directly, I will. So far it is all just hearsay and direct comments/looks. I cannot say for certain that her looks are as hostile as they seem to me. (One of my best friends has a lazy eye and it took me a long time to figure out when she is looking at me and not past me.)

As for unbalanced, well,let's just say that this person is not the only one. We get a LOT of those...


I think she called me a cow, or demanded that I come back now, not sure...

Well, you can have me in your head as a cheerleader if that helps, if the time does come that she's unpleasant to you again.

Thanks Sophia. It really helps just to talk about this. I work through things better. I will go back tomorrow as things went South this weekend and I had to change my plans....stupid itchy bumps...

I went back to my branch last Tuesday and last Wednesday the manager opened, so we had the "talk". Quite simply, she seemed more amused than anything and just cautioned me to keep what I'm thinking in my head, which I was not honestly thinking anything about this "person" at the time. I was putting on my sunglasses and trying not to poke myself in the eye while walking out of the door at the same time.

I am not nor was I in any trouble and am trying to keep myself to a strict schedule in an attempt to avoid this "person". It is also for my benefit that I do this so I am not "finding" things to do on the computer and getting on with my day. This worked well last week. Yesterday, due to some computer problems, I was later than I wanted to be and who should come flouncing by me, you guessed it, "her". The look I got should have incinerated me on the spot, but without proof, I will keep it to myself.

I kinda hope she will try something, just so I have vindication, but I am also wanting to be left alone and put this all behind me.