Does anyone ever wonder about what it would be like to jump? To feel the wind catch in your throat. To feel your stomach drop. To fly. Just for those few seconds you would feel light, but so heavy all at once. There would be nothing but you and the ground as it rushed up to meet you. Embrace you. Does anyone ever wonder what it would be like to jump?
These are my questions, my thoughts, as I sit with my legs dangling over the edge, suspended. The soft wind blows my long dark hair over my shoulder towards the edge, encouraging me to just lean farther over to see what lies beneath me. To see the hard rocks bellow. It begs me to, but I just sit. I don't move. In front of me is only endless blue. Blue water, blue sky. It whispers to me. Calls out to me; letting me know that it sees me. Not just my flesh, but actually sees me. The real me. Not the person that smiles and lies when she says everything is fine. Not the person who hides behind fake truths and "It's okay's". But the person who's broken. The person who's pieces are scattered. The person who's afraid. The person who keeps the important things buried so deep, not even she herself can feel them. That's the person it sees. That's the person it wants to help. Save. That's why I don't move. Because I have two choices. I can chose the endless blue; where I must fight, where its painful, where all I can do is survive. Where there is life. Or I can chose the hard rocks; where everything will end quick, where it will be painless, where I might finally find freedom. Where there is death. Both options run through my head. Do I want to face everyday with a new struggle? Or do I want to be free of it? Life or death? Endless blue or hard rocks? Fight or Flight?
As I look over the edge, I choose. I knows which one would be right and which one isn't. I knows which one will be quick, and which one I will have to endure. So I stand up. And as I look at the sparkling blue waters and clear sky, I wonder why something so beautiful can be so painful. So bitter.
Then I lean over the edge....
As I look at the hard rocks below. At the dark shadows between the sharp, solid rocks. I also wonder why something that should be so scary and so painful can look so peaceful.
Then I lean back from the edge. From the death I know would come if I jumped. The dreamless rest that I would have if I hit those solid rocks below.... And I turn from it. I start to walk away. Away from the edge, away from death and away from what could be peace. And I do what I know is right. I walk towards the endless blue, to pain, to where I will have to fight and endure. To life. Because I can't give up. I can't run from the thing's that scare me. I can't end it like a coward. I have to live.
Does anyone ever wonder about what it would be like to jump?
To feel the wind catch in your throat.
To feel your stomach drop.
To fly.
Just for those few seconds you would feel light, but so heavy all at once.
There would be nothing but you and the ground as it rushed up to meet you.
Embrace you.
Does anyone ever wonder what it would be like to jump?
These are my questions, my thoughts, as I sit with my legs dangling over the edge, suspended. The soft wind blows my long dark hair over my shoulder towards the edge, encouraging me to just lean farther over to see what lies beneath me.
To see the hard rocks bellow.
It begs me to, but I just sit.
I don't move.
In front of me is only endless blue. Blue water, blue sky. It whispers to me. Calls out to me; letting me know that it sees me. Not just my flesh, but actually sees me. The real me. Not the person that smiles and lies when she says everything is fine. Not the person who hides behind fake truths and "It's okay's".
But the person who's broken. The person who's pieces are scattered. The person who's afraid. The person who keeps the important things buried so deep, not even she herself can feel them. That's the person it sees. That's the person it wants to help.
Save.
That's why I don't move. Because I have two choices.
I can chose the endless blue; where I must fight, where its painful, where all I can do is survive. Where there is life.
Or I can chose the hard rocks; where everything will end quick, where it will be painless, where I might finally find freedom. Where there is death.
Both options run through my head.
Do I want to face everyday with a new struggle?
Or do I want to be free of it?
Life or death?
Endless blue or hard rocks?
Fight or Flight?
As I look over the edge, I choose. I knows which one would be right and which one isn't. I knows which one will be quick, and which one I will have to endure.
So I stand up. And as I look at the sparkling blue waters and clear sky, I wonder why something so beautiful can be so painful. So bitter.
Then I lean over the edge....
As I look at the hard rocks below. At the dark shadows between the sharp, solid rocks. I also wonder why something that should be so scary and so painful can look so peaceful.
Then I lean back from the edge. From the death I know would come if I jumped. The dreamless rest that I would have if I hit those solid rocks below.... And I turn from it.
I start to walk away.
Away from the edge, away from death and away from what could be peace. And I do what I know is right. I walk towards the endless blue, to pain, to where I will have to fight and endure. To life.
Because I can't give up. I can't run from the thing's that scare me. I can't end it like a coward. I have to live.
I have to choose life.