I'm Trying to Get a Book Published! discussion

If you need feedback on a query letter, post it here!

Dear, ____________:

Dreamer.

It’s such a simple term, and yet it has many meanings. My focus is only on one meaning.

Power.

In my novel Fyre, Seventeen-year-old Lynella Maeberi has just this: Dreamer power. When some beings from an enemy base have discovered her journals, they begin to read them, and the story unfolds. Lynella Maeberi has practically been disowned from her family since she had been born into this life. When she finds her loved one to be framed for conspiracy, she takes matters into her own hands and travels along a journey to save him. Lynella creates many bonding relationships along the way, and also discovers this mesmerizing power of hers. When it becomes reality that she is too late to save her loved one, she continues on with her new friends to the City of Thieves, where the worst villains known to the Kingdom of Reginaldes lay hidden away in the hills. Throughout the next few years many secrets are revealed to her, and great change begins to exploit in her life. Lynella realizes the craving she has for power, and how much she wants to bring change to the thieves she lies amongst, and she becomes a person that no one had anticipated, creating the Villain Empire in the same amount of time.

Meanwhile in present day, there is a tale of a young girl who comes across a sickness, and a father yearning to gain his life back, but also longing to settle down and learn to love. Which is where a link forms with the citizens from the Good Ones organization reading the journals. They discover many secrets among their enemies; the secrets so revealing that it could very well mean the destruction of the Villain Empire.

Of the many tales throughout Fyre, they are all tied together in the end.

Fyre is approximately 110,000 words, and I do anticipate for it to be a trilogy, seeing that story ends, but does not tie up all of the loose ends.

I am approaching you _Insert Name here_ coming from the knowledge of your willing to represent fantasy, romance and other genres. And I believe that you would be a great agent to represent my project.

In 2006 I attended a Young Writer’s Conference explaining about writing from published fictional, non-fictional, and children’s authors, and how I could improve. My fifth grade teacher who easily recognized my talent for writing in my assignments recommended me to attend this conference. Following my fifth grade year, my new teacher quickly came to discover that I had the talent of writing, giving me encouragement to actually put my writing to the test. Since then I have been writing with a passion. I have greatly improved throughout the years, and after three years I have finished my debut novel. Even though I am at a young age, and am entering High School years, I can show you that in future years I can easily excel through this writing level I am already at.

The full manuscript is available upon request.

I do thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Annie Mae Tempest

Dreamer.

It’s such a simple term, and yet it has many meanings. My focus is only on one meaning.

Power.

Good hook! Although I think it's a little choppy/wordy, so you might want to put it together a little more. Something more like:

"Dreamer: it’s a simple term, but it has many meanings. My focus is only on one meaning: power."

In my novel Fyre, Seventeen-year-old Lynella Maeberi has just this: Dreamer power. When some beings from an enemy base have discovered her journals, they begin to read them, and the story unfolds. Lynella Maeberi has practically been disowned from her family since she had been born into this life. When she finds her loved one to be framed for conspiracy, she takes matters into her own hands and travels along a journey to save him. Lynella creates many bonding relationships along the way, and also discovers this mesmerizing power of hers. When it becomes reality that she is too late to save her loved one, she continues on with her new friends to the City of Thieves, where the worst villains known to the Kingdom of Reginaldes lay hidden away in the hills. Throughout the next few years many secrets are revealed to her, and great change begins to exploit in her life. Lynella realizes the craving she has for power, and how much she wants to bring change to the thieves she lies amongst, and she becomes a person that no one had anticipated, creating the Villain Empire in the same amount of time.

- "In my novel Fyre, Seventeen-year-old Lynella Maeberi has just this: Dreamer power."

--> "In my novel, Fyre, seventeen-year-old Lynelle Maeberi has just this: dreamer power."

- "When some beings from an enemy base have discovered her journals, they begin to read them, and the story unfolds."

Meanwhile in present day, there is a tale of a young girl who comes across a sickness, and a father yearning to gain his life back, but also longing to settle down and learn to love. Which is where a link forms with the citizens from the Good Ones organization reading the journals. They discover many secrets among their enemies; the secrets so revealing that it could very well mean the destruction of the Villain Empire.

--> "Some beings" is very vague -- could you maybe explain what these beings are?
"have discovered" --> "discover"
"The story unfolds" is a bit of a cliché; you might choose a different word choice ...

- "Lynella Maeberi has practically been disowned from her family since she had been born into this life. When she finds her loved one to be framed for conspiracy, she takes matters into her own hands and travels along a journey to save him. Lynella creates many bonding relationships along the way, and also discovers this mesmerizing power of hers."

--> I think this is a matter of taking out unnecessary words, and making the meanings of your sentences clearer. It should be something more like: "Lynella Maeberi's family has disowned her. When her loved one is framed for conspiracy, she goes on a journey to save him. Lynella forms many relationships along the way, while she also discovers the extent of her own, mesmerizing powers."

Also, you don't tell us who frames Lynella's "loved one" for conspiracy. You say that he "is framed for conspiracy" which is the use of the passive voice. The meaning of the sentence would be clearer if you said "When ________ frames Lynella's loved one for conspiracy ..."


- "When it becomes reality that she is too late to save her loved one, she continues on with her new friends to the City of Thieves, where the worst villains known to the Kingdom of Reginaldes lay hidden away in the hills. Throughout the next few years many secrets are revealed to her, and great change begins to exploit in her life. Lynella realizes the craving she has for power, and how much she wants to bring change to the thieves she lies amongst, and she becomes a person that no one had anticipated, creating the Villain Empire in the same amount of time."

--> "When Lynella realizes that she is too late to save her loved one, she continues with her new friends to the City of Thieves, where the worst villains known to the Kingdom of Reginaldes hide in the hills. During the next few years, Lynella discovers many secrets. As her life changes, Lynella realizes that she craves power and that she wishes to change the lives of her fellow thieves."

(I don't understand this part): "she becomes a person that no one had anticipated, creating the Villain Empire in the same amount of time."

("Person" is vague ... maybe you could say "magician" or something? I need to understand what, exactly, she is.)

"creating the Villain Empire in the same amount of time." (What Villain Empire? I'm lost ... "the same amount of time" as what?)

Meanwhile in present day, there is a tale of a young girl who comes across a sickness, and a father yearning to gain his life back, but also longing to settle down and learn to love. Which is where a link forms with the citizens from the Good Ones organization reading the journals. They discover many secrets among their enemies; the secrets so revealing that it could very well mean the destruction of the Villain Empire.

- "Meanwhile in present day, there is a tale of a young girl who comes across a sickness, and a father yearning to gain his life back, but also longing to settle down and learn to love."

--> "Meanwhile, in the present day, a girl ..." (and then i don't understand what you mean by "comes across a sickness". Is she the one who's sick? Or is someone else sick? Make it clearer.)

- -> "A father" (the girl's father? once again, not clear enough!) "yearns to gain his life back and to settle down and learn to love."

--> "A link forms between the citizens and the Good Ones organization." (How? I still don't really understand how the two stories are linked. Are the Good Ones reading about the citizens? And what citizens are they reading about: the ones in the present day story or in Lynella's story? And what is the Good Ones organization anyway? You haven't explained that ..."

--> "They discover many secrets among their enemies – secrets so revealing that it could mean the destruction of the Villain Empire." (Also, I'm not sure what "they" refers to. The Good Ones organization, I think? And who are their "enemies"? Please clarify!)

Of the many tales throughout Fyre, they are all tied together in the end.

--> I would take out this sentence completely ... I think the reader assumes that the tales are connected, considering that they're all part of the same book. :)

Fyre is approximately 110,000 words, and I do anticipate for it to be a trilogy, seeing that story ends, but does not tie up all of the loose ends.

--> "Fyre is approximately 110,000 words long. It is the first book in a trilogy."

I am approaching you _Insert Name here_ coming from the knowledge of your willing to represent fantasy, romance and other genres. And I believe that you would be a great agent to represent my project.

--> "I am approaching you [you don't have to insert the name here, since the letter is already addressed to the agent:] because I understand that you represent fantasy and romance." (Why should you care if he/she represents "other genres"? You care that the agent represents your genre. And you don't have to say that you think he/she will be a great agent; that's implied by the fact that you're submitting to him/her in the first place.)

(cont.)

In 2006 I attended a Young Writer’s Conference explaining about writing from published fictional, non-fictional, and children’s authors, and how I could improve. My fifth grade teacher who easily recognized my talent for writing in my assignments recommended me to attend this conference. Following my fifth grade year, my new teacher quickly came to discover that I had the talent of writing, giving me encouragement to actually put my writing to the test. Since then I have been writing with a passion. I have greatly improved throughout the years, and after three years I have finished my debut novel. Even though I am at a young age, and am entering High School years, I can show you that in future years I can easily excel through this writing level I am already at.

--> Hmmm .... This paragraph could be your downfall. Really, all you have to say is that Fyre is your first book, that you're a first-time writer, that you're young something like that. Not to sound harsh, but agents don't care if your fifth grade teacher liked your writing or if you're entering high school or that it took you three years to write your book -- it doesn't change the fact that you haven't been published before. You know what I mean? Also, just a general note: avoid unnecessary adverbs like "quickly" and "easily". And don't promise to improve your writing, because that makes the agent think that you aren't a good writer now ... and they want to represent you now.

The full manuscript is available upon request.

I do thank you for your time and consideration.

--> Combine this into one short paragraph: "The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration."


That's all!

I think you have a decent start, but it still needs a lot of work! It starts off good, but I got lost somewhere in the second or third paragraph. Make the meanings of your sentences clearer ... Avoid the passive voice and using unnecessary words (adverbs and adjectives). Over all, try to make it as short and concise as possible. :)

Hope my feedback helps! :]

wow

One warning about writing queries. Every query that you submit to an agent or publisher should be personalized to the person you are submitting to. If your query reads like a form letter, you'll be hurting yourself. A point to remember is that editors and agents move around all the time. You don't want to submit your query to the same person the same way. There is always a chance that your work may be considered more than once by the same person even though your query has been submitted to a different address.

Thanks for the warning. :)

ok here's the query i'm currently working on. help me!!! PLEASEE!!!

Dear [Agent:]:

When an evil spirit endangers everything she’s ever known, immortal seventeen-year-old Kami must make a decision between her feelings and the safety of her universe.

[Reason why I'm querying the specific agent:], which is why my novel, Reborn, may interest you. It is the first book in a proposed trilogy and consists of approximately 130,000 words (236 pages). The story takes place in an imaginary dimension of our own, modern world.

Kami is one of the Protectors: a race of immortal teenagers whose purpose is to protect humankind from a rival group of immortals, the Destroyers. The Protectors and the Destroyers are trapped in an ongoing battle and an endless cycle of death and rebirth. Kami's five hundred years as a Protector have made her a fierce and confident fighter, but when she meets mysterious and unpredictable Jack, she starts to question her purpose in life. Eighteen-year-old Jack is a “Reborn”, or the newest reincarnation of an immortal spirit. Kami forms an immediate friendship with Jack when he joins the Protectors, but as her feelings for him grow stronger, so do his dark and terrifying powers. When Jack and Kami learn the disturbing story that connects their past lives, they find out that a demonic spirit, Ravi, is raging inside of Jack. Seeking revenge, Ravi threatens to take over Jack’s mind and, through him, conquer the immortal world. Although Jack struggles against Ravi, Kami knows that he is slowly succumbing to his evil self. If Kami wants to save herself and the other immortals, she will have to kill Jack. The only problem: she’s falling in love with him.

As a young adult myself, I can relate to teenage readers through my writing. Reborn explores themes about the futility of violence, but it is also a tale of dangerous romance – like a cross between S.E. Hinton’s The Outsiders and Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight.

A full manuscript of Reborn is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Sincerely,
Brigid Gorry-Hines

Questions:

- Should I mention that I'm young? Does it matter? On one hand, I think it's irrelevant. But some people have suggested that I mention it, because – since I have no published works – it might help me stand out. I can't decide. Suggestions?

- Should I include the comparison to other books? I get lots of mixed advice on this. Some people say not to include comparisons to other books, and some people say you should. So I don't know what to do ... ?

Those are my only specific questions. But I would appreciate advice on any part of the letter. Thanks! :)

Holy crap Brigid.

Thank you so much.

I have a loooooot to work on. Dang, it must've sucked. ha ha.

btw with the whole beings, how would you describe, Popeye, Benjamin Gates, Batman and Robin, and that the enemy base are really, the good guys???

How do you explain, that your story has lots of copyright issues in it, but the only way to write the book is to include characters from other stories???

And basically the whole story explains how the Good and the Bad really came to be. And the future of how the Good still wants to destroy the bad. It's a very vague story I know . . . coming from someone who hasn't read it. Kenzie's the only one that has, and she was the only one that tore the query apart, so it made sense to her.

Ugh. I'm going to have to rewrite the whole entire thing. AGAIN.

Hmm ... I don't know. Does your story need the stuff about the copyrighted characters? I admit, I've only read part of Fyre, but I thought the part involving the copyrighted characters didn't make a lot of sense, and it kind of distracted from the rest of the story. Maybe you could just take it out?

No, I can't take it out. It's the only way the rest of the series can be explained.
The entire story line revolves around the characters from the different stories, in this story.

Ooh. Well ... then I don't know what to tell you. >< Ummm is it possible they could be replaced by characters that you make up? I don't know.

No, they can't. It's complicated I know, but I absolutely have to include them.
I mean in the next book, I've already included Peter Pan, Captain Hook, and I'm planning on Voldemort . . . but there could be others.

Captain Hook's even in Fyre.

wow, confusing

I'm sorry . . . gah, this is driving me insane.

Here. I'll give a sypnosis a shot, and post it up, and see if it makes any sense at all to you guys.

~♥~ Annie ~♥~ wrote: "No, they can't. It's complicated I know, but I absolutely have to include them.
I mean in the next book, I've already included Peter Pan, Captain Hook, and I'm planning on Voldemort . . . but ther..."

*takes a deep breath* welll ... ok don't kill me but sometimes editing means, well, totally re-crafting your idea. you might want to make some changes so that it didn't have to include that stuff. i'm sorry, i have no idea how to fix it! ><

Would it be possible, Cali, to remove the characters from the other stories and fill in your own? Have the "Good Ones" actually be your own brand of superheros each with their own power?

I think the idea of adding in the character's is neat, but- as you've already said- you do have to get all the original copyright-ers to allow you to use their characters.

Brigid

-Like I said before, I don't think it really matters whether you include that you're young. Some agents are willing to take on young writer's, some aren't. In the long run, if they are going to take your story, they're going to find out you're a young adult anyway.

-I think it depends on the agent in question. This one agent I did research on said to specifically relate your book to others. A few of the agents said in interviews they dislike it when people do that. It all depends on your agent. If they say nothing, I'd just leave it out. They're looking for stories that can stand on their own and by saying that your story is "like" another may keep them from wanting to work with you.

Dear [Agent:]:

When an evil spirit endangers everything she’s ever known, immortal seventeen-year-old Kami must make a decision between her feelings and the safety of her universe.

I like your hook, very nice. Short and sweet.

[Reason why I'm querying the specific agent:], which is why my novel, Reborn, may interest you. It is the first book in a proposed trilogy and consists of approximately 130,000 words (236 pages). The story takes place in an imaginary dimension of our own, modern world.

I'm not sure you need "my novel" in there- if you're querying the agent they know it's your novel. Just saying, "Which is why Reborn may interest you." is good enough.

Saying "may interest" seems kind of off to me. I suggest finding a different way to say that. Maybe, "Is a good fit for you"? Or something along those lines. It sounded to me as if there was a chance the agent wouldn't take it, and we don't want the agent to think like that. :)

Kami is one of the Protectors: a race of immortal teenagers whose purpose is to protect humankind from a rival group of immortals, the Destroyers.

Are the Protectors human? From what I gathered reading the story they seemed to be- only they lived forever. How about saying, "...whose purpose it to protect mortals from a group of rivals (adding in immortal here sounds a little redundant), the Destroyers"?

The Protectors and the Destroyers are trapped in an ongoing battle and an endless cycle of death and rebirth.

How about omitting the part about the battle and just saying, "...are trapped in an endless cycle of death and rebirth." Or at least add a comma after battle as the sentence seems a little run-on.

Kami's five hundred years as a Protector have made her a fierce and confident fighter, but when she meets mysterious and unpredictable Jack, she starts to question her purpose in life. Eighteen-year-old Jack is a “Reborn”, or the newest reincarnation of an immortal spirit.

Here, "...Jack is a "Reborn", or the newest..." get rid of the word "or" and just leave it with the comma, like an explanation. If you leave out "newest reincarnation of an immortal spirit" they wouldn't understand, so or seems inappropriate here.

Kami forms an immediate friendship with Jack when he joins the Protectors, but as her feelings for him grow stronger, so do his dark and terrifying powers. When Jack and Kami learn the disturbing story that connects their past lives, they find out that a demonic spirit, Ravi, is raging inside of Jack. Seeking revenge, Ravi threatens to take over Jack’s mind and, through him, conquer the immortal world. Although Jack struggles against Ravi, Kami knows that he is slowly succumbing to his evil self. If Kami wants to save herself and the other immortals, she will have to kill Jack. The only problem: she’s falling in love with him.

"The only problem" seems a little less special here to me (:D) so I'd put something different. Not sure what at the moment though- I'll get back to you.

As a young adult myself, I can relate to teenage readers through my writing. Reborn explores themes about the futility of violence, but it is also a tale of dangerous romance – like a cross between S.E. Hinton’s The Outsiders and Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight.

Awesome comparison here. Definitely keep this if you feel so inclined.

A full manuscript of Reborn is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Sincerely,
Brigid Gorry-Hines

Wonderful. :D

Hope this helps you. If not, feel free to ignore me.

Kenzie wrote: "Brigid

-Like I said before, I don't think it really matters whether you include that you're young. Some agents are willing to take on young writer's, some aren't. In the long run, if they are goin..."

Yeah, I agree: It depends on the agent. I've been taking out the part about being young and putting it back in again over and over ... lol

Kenzie wrote: "Dear [Agent:]:

When an evil spirit endangers everything she’s ever known, immortal seventeen-year-old Kami must make a decision between her feelings and the safety of her universe.

I like your ho..."

yay! thanks! XD that really helps!

Brigid,

Let me preface by saying that I have yet to understand writing query letters myself and have only recently begun to comb through sites looking for advice. More often then not, I’ve read that you shouldn’t compare your work to others unless the agent or publisher specifically asks for it. That said, I love ‘the outsiders’ and I thought the comparison added intrigue to the earlier description. Perhaps, it would help if you explained how your book compares.

As for your age helping you stand out, I suspect that many writers today are relatively young; more-so than used to be the case a few years ago.

Based on what I’ve read online you might want to consider adding a little information about your writing experience. I think even mentioning writers groups and the like is beneficial; I could be wrong.

You may want to break up at least one of these sentences to vary the pace: “When Jack and Kami learn the disturbing story that connects their past lives, they find out that a demonic spirit, Ravi, is raging inside of Jack. Seeking revenge, Ravi threatens to take over Jack’s mind and, through him, conquer the immortal world. Although Jack struggles against Ravi, Kami knows that he is slowly succumbing to his evil self. If Kami wants to save herself and the other immortals, she will have to kill Jack.”

Final note: “She’s falling in love with him.” Perhaps this is my old creative writing teacher talking, but the word ‘love’ is so overused that it grates on my nerves almost every time I read it. Perhaps ‘She’s falling for him”? Or better yet, something with imagery like “She’d rather kiss him.”

Hope I helped.

Marise

Yes, that helps a lot! Thanks. :)