Terminalcoffee discussion

If it's true that the most interesting people are good listeners, then I'm getting to the point where I'd rather be boring. I'm so tired of actively listening to friends talk about their lives and their problems, commiserating and empathizing with them. Politely listening to the same stories over and over. Yet they barely miss a beat in their narratives when I mention something that's important to me. WTF?

Oh Barb I also try to stop cutting people off - when I'm really eager etc it just happens without me thinking about it!

oh! I do the same thing! Lots of times I'm excited because what they've said reminds me of something. Sometimes it's because my mind wandered. I do feel that I listen to a lot of drawn out stories, then the person moves on without giving me any time to share.

I am the one politely waiting for a break in the conversation that often never comes. By the time it does, my input is no longer relevant to the conversation.

Scout wrote: "If it's true that the most interesting people are good listeners, then I'm getting to the point where I'd rather be boring. I'm so tired of actively listening to friends talk about their lives and ..."

I have one friend who dwells on relationship issues, but if they all started doing that I think I'd need to be committed.

My conversations with my neighbor Melinda are the most satisfying. We have an understood thing where one of us hears out the other to the emotional end of the story, and then the storyteller asks how things are going.

It's ironic that the one person who wants to listen to all my stories - my mother - is the one I can't tell everything to. I don't want her to worry.

Sounds like you have a good arrangement with your neighbour. It's good to have someone.

I'm a good listener but i'm not all that interesting...i actually doze off when I talk to myself.

I am a listener rather than speaker, however I wouldn't say I was a good listener, my mind has a tendency to wander off on all sorts of different tangents.

Wait ... what was the topic?

Like Barb and others, I'm working on my habit of jumping in when I think I've got the gist. But I think on the whole I'm a decent listener. Some days great, some days not good, usually in the average range.

I have a friend who is a terrible listener. He talks over what I'm saying. Very frustrating. I'm sure he does this to others. I'm considering telling him.

People that really listen are showing that they care. I don't interrupt a serious tale, but if someone says "I read a great book" I might jump in ME TOO, or something like that. It's true that some stories go on and there seems to be no break for an introvert to get a chance to speak.

I still haven't told my friend he's a bad listener. Would he hear me?

Scout wrote: "If it's true that the most interesting people are good listeners, then I'm getting to the point where I'd rather be boring. I'm so tired of actively listening to friends talk about their lives and ..."

hell yeah. How about a when a person mentios, seldom, some kind of situation and then one day,out of the blue, talk about it and scold you for not recognising immediatly what he/she's referring to...They want you to have a mnemonic memory and take notes like a shrink, perhaps?!

I told my friend how I felt. He still interrupts and talks over me, but not as often. He'd be a lot more interesting if he listened to me :)

Scout wrote: "I told my friend how I felt. He still interrupts and talks over me, but not as often. He'd be a lot more interesting if he listened to me :)"

My colleague (female) had it out with our three male colleagues for doing this. They still do but sometimes (one in particular) will catch himself and apologize. I don't really care. I'm mostly in my own head anyway.

I think I'm a good listener most of the time, with friends, and when someone is telling me something that's got an emotional piece that's important to them. I do tune out my husband sometimes because the man will go on and on. There are no yes or no answers with him, he has to tell you the whole background to answer any simple question. I get impatient and ask if there's a caboose to his train of thought sometimes.

Sophia wrote: "Scout wrote: "I told my friend how I felt. He still interrupts and talks over me, but not as often. He'd be a lot more interesting if he listened to me :)"

My colleague (female) had it out with ou..."

Maybe it's just a difference in communication styles. My mom is a storyteller, and so am I. Sounds like your husband is, too. We enjoy listening to and telling stories, so we feel a need to give background information when we give an answer - to tell the whole story. I have a friend who wishes, as you do, that her husband would just get to the point and skip the storytelling.

I enjoy a good conversation, but it has to be a two-way affair. If someone dominates it, I slowly back away and don't return to that person. There are too many other interesting people to talk to.

Tonight I needed to talk to my friend about my aging parents and how my mother doesn't comfort my father or try to understand his failing physical and mental abilities. Instead, I listened to her recount the same stories I've patiently listened to concerning her parents. Maybe I need to talk to a therapist. They are paid to listen.

You will have to find other friends. They are supposed to be there for you when you need them.

Precisely.

I don't feel the need to make an appointment with a fiend :) I know that Melinda is involved with her parents' problems and that she needs to talk. I just wish she'd give me a chance to talk, too. I agree that a good friend is better than a therapist, usually, but she and I both need the same support at the same time. Maybe I should just say, after she's wound down, that I need for her to listen. That's probably a good idea - I'm just not used to asking.

When she's finished, try saying to her, "Now it's my turn". If she is a true friend, she will realize that you have needs, too.

My dad had a heart attack, and Melinda has offered her support - whatever I need. I talked to her tonight, told her about my dad, and she told me about her dad and how he had gotten into the tub with all his clothes on, but no water. After I listened to her and she got it out of her system, then she listened to me and told me she would check tomorrow to find a doctor we could ask for a second opinion. She works for our local hospital.

Jan wrote: "When she's finished, try saying to her, "Now it's my turn". If she is a true friend, she will realize that you have needs, too."

Félix wrote: "Wait ... what was the topic?"

Scout wrote: "If it's true that the most interesting people are good listeners, then I'm getting to the point where I'd rather be boring. I'm so tired of actively listening to friends talk about their lives and ..."

Just sitting in this thread and listening makes me the smartest plant in town.

And how do you feel about that? :-)

I am a chatter box so difficult to listen when somebody speaks. First I finish what in my mind then only stop. Bad on my part

Sunita Nambiar wrote: "I am a chatter box so difficult to listen when somebody speaks. First I finish what in my mind then only stop. Bad on my part"

The first and most important step is to recognize the problem. Good luck on your journey, Sunita.

I love listening. The worst are people who just wait to talk.

I have one friend who usually listens and responds, and I try to do the same for her. For me, that one friend is enough. I sometimes think that's what all this social media stuff is about - just people wanting to be heard - or seen. I think about kids calling to their parents and saying, "Watch this." Is it a basic human need - being seen and heard?

Good point, Scout. Social media is an outlet for the rampant lonliness of the 21st century.

I am fairly good listener.

Do you find that you do more listening than talking?

Yes I do more listening than talking.

i almost always do more listening than talking, based on the simple fact that there are so many people that aren't willing to LISTEN. they hear, but they don't care. i don't know --or, i don't think-- i'm interesting, but sometimes i do have some things that i want to take off my chest, but often don't know who to reach out to. everyone around me is so used to me being the listener, that they forget some times i also want, or need, to be listened, too.

I totally get it! And it seems that lockdowns have made people even more talkative and prone to run you over with words!