World, Writing, Wealth discussion

So you start dating someone and it goes pretty well. The decision whether s/he's the person to become a spouse is one of the most important in everyone's life, unless of course the circumstances render the decision irrelevant.
How do you know then?
Women have an intuition to rely upon, which men are claimed to lack. Before proposing or accepting / declining a proposal: Do you ask a candidate to undertake a GMAT/IQ test, toss a coin, ask for wealth report, rely on feelings or make a pragmatic evaluation of pros and cons and write them down in two columns? -:)
Or maybe circumstances often decide for us?

Interesting topic here...

she thinks my sappy poetry is the next best thing after chirashi or can't sleep after reading my horror story.

Chikamso wrote: "Interesting topic here..."

How would you know, Chika? -:)

Alex G wrote: "she thinks my sappy poetry is the next best thing after chirashi or can't sleep after reading my horror story."

Some stringent criteria -:)

Important question but very difficult to answer.

The problem of "spouses to be" is everyone puts on their best suite until after the marriage. I don't care where one is during the dating period, you really don't know the individual until after the knot is tied. THEN the ball is dropped, and see the real picture.

The real question is: would one marry this person?

If one is sincere in marriage, marriage takes on a new meaning. The spouse becomes a partner at best. A friend, at best. Or a confident, at best. With these illusions, marriage has a chance. But not always.

My heart told me she was the one.

Michel wrote: "My heart told me she was the one."

Everybody says that...

GR wrote: "Michel wrote: "My heart told me she was the one."

Everybody says that..."

Maybe, but 33 years as a couple (still together) tells me it was the right choice.

If you have to ask whether the choice is right, it probably isn't. If you want a real friend, why aren't they already?

Ian wrote: "If you have to ask whether the choice is right, it probably isn't. If you want a real friend, why aren't they already?"

wise words.

If you really can't live without her - she's the one! Otherwise you're probably better off on your own!

The best answer I ever heard regarding this question is:

You will know, you won't have to ask. If you have to ask, then he/she's not the one.

That is sooooo true!!!

Many folks I know, especially 30-40+, hesitate for years though -:)

But don't most people believe they've found "the one" when they say their vows? I did. I find it difficult to express happiness when someone tells me that he/she is engaged because the failure rate is so high. I'd say, from my experience, that the chances for happiness increase when two people have the same values.

Sure, I think at the 'vows' stage, the couple should be decided and uphold the decision, otherwise self-doubt will gnaw at the family life..

Big and important topic... As someone who just got engaged a few months ago, I can say that I knew she's the one just by who similarly we think. I say what she thinks before she get's a chance to to it, and she knows exactly what I'm thinking before I find the words.
We do have differences in our opinions, even on big things, but we are respectful of each other's opinions and support each other's views, and we both make an effort to see things from the other's perspective.

Amit wrote: "... As someone who just got engaged a few months ago, I can say that I knew she's the one just by who similarly we think. I say what she thinks before she get's a chance to to it, and she knows exactly what I'm thinking before I find the words....."

Congrats and best of luck! Such an almost telepathic harmony is a good foundation

Rita wrote: "If you really can't live without her - she's the one! Otherwise you're probably better off on your own!"

Most likely you need someone to baby feed you. Maybe, pamper you too.

I think a better choice would be a dog or cat, they don't argue and fight.

Met in April. Married in August. 32 years ago.

We're just mates.

Oh, that's easy.

If you don't mind that they're with someone else, then they're not the one.

If the thought of them marrying someone else pains you, then you know.

Ray wrote: "Oh, that's easy.

If you don't mind that they're with someone else, then they're not the one.

If the thought of them marrying someone else pains you, then you know."

Not sure how practical this is within the relations, more suitable for after they are over, but probably a good year-round jealousy tester -:)

I had been told "you will know!" I didn't know, for sure anyway. I thought I knew but there was no magic scroll unfolding from heaven saying, "this is the one." I hoped I was doing the right thing and it turned out I did. Thirty-eight years later I know I made the right decision but I don't have any formula for determining how to do it.

Belle wrote: " I didn't know, for sure anyway...."

Not sure whether most are certain beyond doubts. Many hesitate (some even for years), some are forced by the circumstances (pregnancy and stuff), and yet some others - are a little reckless about the marriage thing in the first place -:)

My son finally proposed to his girlfriend of eight years. He never rushes into anything. I finally told him he should marry her if he can't live without her. However, it might be that if they have been together this long and he doesn't know, then he does know. He finally decided he couldn't live without her.

Belle wrote: "My son finally proposed to his girlfriend of eight years...."

Congrats!
I say when hesitating and unable to decide - take the positive option: marry and not part -:) Worked (so far) for at least one friend.

The key to a strong marriage is making sure that the choice of a partner is driven primarily by love and not mistaking lust and physical attraction for love.

I knew for certain that I loved my late wife when I was always happiest during the times that I was doing something that made her happy, even if that something was something that I would rather not be doing if it was my choice alone.

That said; don't completely discard lust as a factor in choosing a mate. My adult children still joke among their friends that, from the occasional awkward situations they sometimes stumbled into, both when they still lived at home and after moving out, that they believed their parents enjoyed sex more often than they did.

This must be one of those cornerstone questions. How do you know and were you right or wrong in retrospective?

If you are asking that question, you were wrong

Oh, Nik. Are you in love ?-) If you are, I'll say that if you have any gut feeling that something's not right, then take your time before committing. By the time I got pregnant, I knew the guy wasn't right for me, but I married in order to keep my child and my job. Otherwise, I'd never have married him. We divorced after a year and a half, and I've not married again. I think I'm not the marrying kind, so I shouldn't have even attempted to answer this question. I do think marriage is good for people, and I wish I had what it takes - whatever that is. Other people here can probably tell you.

Ian wrote: "If you are asking that question, you were wrong"

-:)
As the years pass and depending on the situ, I bet many have second thoughts. The high percent of divorces in many countries, may either reflect that the institute of classical marriage may less conform the modern feeling of 'fluidity and mobility' or that some choices were not as expected. Therefore, the 'right' choice is quite important

Nik, before marriage you tend to be shown the better side of your partner. After marriage, all becomes shown, and then it depend on what each partner is prepared to do to accept the other. The more selfish either partner is, the less likely it will work. Of course if either did not really love the other, it probably won't work. I don't think things were better in the past - it was more that couples had to put up with each other because it was harder to get out of it :-)

Right. Things weren't better in the past. Women had to put up with a lot because they were financially dependent on their husbands. When my parents got married, my dad told my mom she couldn't work. After she raised us kids, my dad encouraged her to get a job. She had no experience or skills and couldn't find a good job. She later found out that he was having an affair, which explained the job thing. They stayed married. It took a long time for me to forgive my father. As for my mom, I know she still carries that in her heart.

Ten years later, I was financially independent and left my husband because I could take care of myself and my son. I think that explains the increase in the divorce rate.

As marriage and family as a basic form of human relations may become anachronistic soon, what's the recipe for choosing the right one while it still goes? :)

Out of all my friends and family, only three guys (so far) have remained in one marriage. One is dead. One is the submissive in the marriage. And the third seems to be in a happy marriage.

Given the failure rate of my sample group and my own personality, I doubt that a lasting romantic relationship is in the cards for me.

The unrefutable fact is that married couples occasionally get on each other's nerves. Your spouse may say or do something so stupid, irritating and aggravating that you will want to yell at them, give them the silent treatment, or storm out of the house, slamming the door behind you.

Instead of doing any of the above, take a deep breath, calm down, then focus your attention upon your spouse. Then, remember what it was that first attracted you to them. Remember what it was that made you want to get to know them better. Remember what it was that made you fall in love with them. Remember what it was that made you want to marry them.

I believe my late wife's and my commitment to the above is the reason we remained loving partners for 35 1/2 years.

J. wrote: "Out of all my friends and family, only three guys (so far) have remained in one marriage. One is dead. One is the submissive in the marriage. And the third seems to be in a happy marriage.

Given the failure rate of my sample group and my own personality, I doubt that a lasting romantic relationship is in the cards for me...."

Discouraging figures, indeed, however the cupid may still shoot his arrow(r) :) Maybe a Ukrainian ex-army lady?

Jim wrote: "....I believe my late wife's and my commitment to the above is the reason we remained loving partners for 35 1/2 years...."

That's encouraging, on the other hand!

For what little it is worth, from all the friends I have kept up with, only one divorced. The rest, myself included, remained married until one died.

A different generation, one that stuck with it no matter what. My parents have done the same.

Maybe, but I think in many cases it did not come down to "no matter what"? I think each partner tried to make it work.

I had always been told I would just know, some magical scroll from heaven would unfold and tell me he was the one, but it didn't happen. I had come from a dysfunction family of divorce and I knew what I didn't want, but was unsure of exactly what I wanted. I found I was dating what was familiar and made a conscious decision to choose differently. I hoped I was making the right decision but I was never certain, but we have been married 45 years and I can say I got it right. Someone asked me why we never fought and I asked how you can get angry at someone who has your welfare at the heart of every decision?

One piece of advice from our marriage: we agreed that when we disagreed it had to be resolved before we went to bed. That seemed to work. Not that we fought much, but we knew that someone had to make a concession, so we tended to look for it quickly.

Fantastic results, Belle, despite making a decision in terms of uncertainty. Well done 💍

Good call, Belle.

There is a tradition that women propose on a Leap day: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bache...
Have you used the privileged/been used against? :)

I think if a woman does it any other time, the man should take that seriously and either say yes or stop wasting her time.

When I see people getting married, it makes me sad.

Not every marriage ends up bad. Sure the stats look bad, but the newer ones show hope in a lasting relationship.