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I'm not sure where I put in another blurb help so I'm redoing it here. Sorry.

I need some help with a blurb for my newest fantasy novel. There are two. Which one works best or can be edited to make it better.

Blurb 1:

Priestesses discover a Prophecy will come to pass. A Prophecy which will bring change in Shlashia.

Niema, a young tavern worker discovers she is a Sorceress. She must learn her craft and go on a journey to bring Shlashia out of the darkness.

A Warrior of Raiteous, Snow Animals, Clogg, and the dwarf Gantielamona join her, heading for Hitchan to right the lies Clogg and his people told them. They fight against Lord Giranth's evil forces that search for the Sorceress.

They arrive at their destination only to have to battle Zymas. Will Niema win this battle or will the world turn to evil...forever?

Blurb 2:

Lord Giranth at the command of the god Ilninian plunges the world of Shlashia into darkness. A young tavern worker has just discovered she is a Sorceress, the first of a group of Magical women. Accompanied by only her protector, a fighter from Hitchan fooled into killing off the Sorceress unknowingly, and a dwarf, Niema embarks on a journey to Caritha to bring Shlashia out of the darkness.

But Lord Giranth has other plans. He summons creatures from the Underworld to capture the Sorceress and bring her before him to stop the Prophecy from its fulfillment.

Will they reach their destination and defeat the true source of the lies told to the people of Hitchan in an attempt to destroy the Sorceress and stop the Prophecy? Or will Shlashia end up swallowed by evil forever?

Thanks so much guys.

First Blurb: It doesn't do much for me. It sounds like many other fantasy books out there with a prophecy, a training mage, a band of characters going off to fight evil... what makes yours stand out? What makes it different and unique? The third paragraph is a bit confusing. There's a lot of info dumped into it and it's tough for someone who doesn't know the story to sort it all out. If I'm following, someone called Clogg told some lies and now he needs the help of others to go and make it right again?

Second blurb is slightly better, but it still feels like a lot of info being tossed at the reader in a short period of time. Focusing on this one, I am not sure who the Sorceress is. She seems to be: Niema, someone killed off by a fighter from Hitchan, someone Niema needs to go to Hitchan to kill off, and / or someone Lord Giranth is trying to capture. Maybe a bit more focus on whoever the main characters are and the central plot are needed.

Hmmmm. (By the power of three good things....setup, conflict, question)

Priestesses discover a Prophecy will come to pass. A Prophecy which will bring change in Shlashia.

Niema, a young tavern worker discovers she is a Sorceress. She must learn her craft and go on a journey to bring Shlashia out of the darkness....

[1] Young Niema discovers she is the heir to sorcerous powers foretold in a hidden prophecy.

A Warrior of Raiteous, Snow Animals, Clogg, and the dwarf Gantielamona join her, heading for Hitchan to right the lies Clogg and his people told them. They fight against Lord Giranth's evil forces that search for the Sorceress.

They arrive at their destination only to have to battle Zymas.

[2] Hunted by Lord Giranth's evil forces, Niema and her friends must battle all the minions of the Underworld and the lies that threaten to tear them apart.

Will Niema win this battle or will the world turn to evil...forever?

[3] The prophecy rests on a knife edge, will Niema fulfill her destiny and claim her birthright as the first Sorceress, or will the world of Shlashia remain shrouded in darkness forever?

I recommend only focusing on two or at most three characters in the blurb. Best to only have 2.

The Hero & their Nemesis.

Hey thanks for the help. After that I started working on them again. What do you think of this blurb? Does it work, no, were you interested on reading the book (if it was out right now), etc? Any suggestions to make it better.

And here it is (the first sentence kind of leads into the present, in fact the beginning of this blurb):

"A WORLD IN CHAOS! A PROPHECY COMES TO PASS!"

Niema, a young tavern worker discovers she is a Sorceress, a group of Powerful Magical women who using their vast magical powers have kept the peace among all in Shlashia. These Sorceresses died out over fifty years ago, with the exception of one who begins to teach Niema her own budding powers. In doing this, the Prophecy has begun in order to bring the world of Shlashia out of the darkness the evil of the god Ilninian has entrapped its people.

Now joined by companions, Niema head for Hitchan. As she travels through she fights against Lord Giranth, at the behest of the god, sent out his evil forces in search for Niema.

In the town of Hitchan, Niema battles Zymas, Giranth's evil henchmen. Niema joins in the battle using the power of the Sorceress. Will Niema as the fruit of the Prophecy be victorious or will the world turn to evil...forever?

The headline is a good idea. The three part structure is a good idea.

A couple of potential issues to consider.

[1] Is there too much backstory in the blurb? Do you want to put backstory in the blurb?

[2] Your first sentence appears to be a run on sentence. "Niema, a young tavern worker discovers she is a Sorceress." is your first concept. "A group of Powerful Magical women who using their vast magical powers have kept the peace among all in Shlashia." is your second concept - I would recommend having two sentences there.

[3] the whole of this section is "a group of Powerful Magical women who using their vast magical powers have kept the peace among all in Shlashia. These Sorceresses died out over fifty years ago, with the exception of one who begins to teach Niema her own budding powers. In doing this, the Prophecy has begun in order to bring the world of Shlashia out of the darkness the evil of the god Ilninian has entrapped its people." Is an info dump.

Consider writing the whole section as "story" around your main character Niema, for example.

[All within Niema's experience. I.e. no backstory] [a] Niema, a young tavern worker discovers she is a Sorceress. [b] Inducted into the magical arts by the last Priestess of an ancient order, she discovers she is the heir to a prophecy to defeat the ruler of her world, the evil god Ilninian.

Having introduced the setup, the prophecy and the core conflict, move to expand it with more conflict. (Noting that your finishing this book with a battle against Zymas, who is a henchman of Giranth who in turn serves Ilninian - this suggests that Zymas is the core villain of the story as you will be climaxing this story with him. Also, I am assuming you are writing a series....)

In the service of suspense, you need to escalate the threat as the story progresses. Hence Zymas is front and center in this book. Don't call him a "Henchman" call him a "Champion". No one cares if your heroes are fighting a henchman, but fighting a Champion for the opposing side is cool.

So....

[Expand and define the stakes] Joined by her companions, Niema heads for the town of Hitchan. Ilninian commands his servents, Lord Giranth, and his champion of evil, Zymas, to destroy Niema and end the prophecy.

[Finish with the question] Will Niema fulfill the prophecy, or will the world of Shlashia fall to evil forever?

Putting it together would be something like this.

"A WORLD IN CHAOS! A PROPHECY COMES TO PASS!"

Niema, a young tavern worker discovers she is a Sorceress. Inducted into the magical arts by the last Priestess of an ancient order, she discovers she is the heir to a prophecy to defeat the ruler of her world, the evil god Ilninian.

Joined by her companions, Niema heads for the town of Hitchan. Ilninian commands his servents, Lord Giranth, and his champion of evil, Zymas, to destroy Niema and end the prophecy.

Will Niema fulfill the prophecy, or will the world of Shlashia fall to evil forever?

I hope that helps.

Hey that sounds cool though at the moment Zymas is the villain in this book. The real real one is well, Giranth and his god. *grin* I can work with this. Thanks for the help.

Hi Dionne, It sounds like you're writing a multi-book series. If so, a major confrontation at the end of book one with an evil champion is (I think) a good option.

Keep your bigger and badded villains in reserve and roll them out as the story progresses. The tougher villains allow your heroes to progress and for the stakes to get higher as the story goes along.

Yep it's a four book series. I started it out as only a trilogy but Niema kept going no no no, one more. So I'm going with that. I've learned my lesson on ignoring my characters. First time I ever started writing I did it. And they kept bugging and bugging and bugging me until I finally wrote. Though I didn't say anything about getting it published. *grins* I might one day though.

The worst of the villains won't come out until the last book or maybe the third, I don't know yet.

It's always amazing when the characters develop authentic voices of their own.

Yeah they sure did. And they were twins too. A boy and a girl teenagers. I kept trying to ignore them because I didn't want to write but they kept going. Got to the point where they were enter my dreams at night and 'play' there. Got annoying so I wrote their story.

I like the feedback you have been getting, but I wanted to throw in my two cents on the first sentence of the second paragraph. Personally, I am not too intrigued by the name of the town that she is going to. I would remove that and just have this as the second paragraph:

"Ilninian commands his servants, Lord Giranth and his champion of evil, Zymas, to destroy Niema and her companions. If they succeed, they will end the prophecy."

Well that was fun. Every time I was going to say something, in the next post, there was Graeme saying what I was going to say. It's like he was channeling me. You have some kind of magic you want to talk about there, Graeme?

My final thing, before he says it, avoid names in your blurb other than the name of your main character or characters. And then do what Graeme and Eric said.