Support for Indie Authors discussion

Hi there. Summing up a year's work in fewer than 200 words is so much fun...said no one ever.

I have two blurbs. I'd appreciate any feedback on either or both and which do you like the most. Thank you and much love in advance.

Blurb 1
Krea was an excellent thief, normally. Deciding to relieve a nobleman of his heavy purse, getting caught and trying to transform into an evil faerie-monster was not her finest hour.

Sorin has had his fill of the elven war and being one of the chosen. Living out his remaining years as a farmer in a far corner of the realm and trying to forget is his only ambition. Stumbling upon a girl in an alleyway about to shift into her counter form isn’t part of his plan.

Using his magic to bring the thief back to her human form before it’s lost forever, is easy. Convincing her that she is kyrni, a sacred shapeshifter, and must travel to the Royal City to find her Caller, now that’s a challenge.

Blurb 2
Steal the bag. Avoid certain death if caught. Repeat tomorrow. Maybe not the best life, but it works, except for the part where Krea is cornered by guards and nearly transforms into a freakish monster. The next thing she knows, Sorin, a moody battle-hardened caller, is hustling her off to consult the legendary council about how to avoid being stuck in her beast form forever.

Not that traveling halfway across the Empire with a cranky old caller and a cloak that doesn't fit isn't fun enough; someone powerful wants her dead. But being hunted by assassins isn't their only problem. Krea and Sorin find themselves in the middle of a battle between two ancient races of elves that has raged since ink first touched parchment.

Now, Krea must claim her heritage as the Prophesy and Sorin must release his hatred if they have any hope of saving mankind.

Fire away.

I like the second blurb better. I personally felt that the first one jumped viewpoints too much within a few paragraphs, but that I just my opinion. I like the bit of humor that you used during the transition into paragraph two in the second example. It caught my attention and sounds like a very interesting read!

The second one is a much better starting place than the first one. The first blurb seems a little hard to follow, and the language is too stiff for me.

The second blurb has a lot more potential. It needs some work, but it feels much more smooth. I think there is a little too much sarcasm in it though.

Here are my first thoughts:
- first paragraph: "Steal the bag. Stay Alive. Repeat. It might not be the best life but it works, at least until Krea nearly transforms into a freakish monster when cornered by guards. The next thing she knows, Sorin the moody, battle-hardened caller is hustling her off to consult the legendary council on ways to avoid been stuck in beast form forever."

-For the second paragraph, maybe take another crack at it and do some editing; there are some typos in it right now. I feel like there is a little too much info here with the elves and the assassins. I would rather see this paragraphs set up the issue presented in the third paragraph: what is going to end mankind?

-For the third paragraph, I think you have the right idea with a short sentence to close. I would recommend removing "the Prophesy" which I don't think sounds quite right. Maybe try: "If they are to have any hope of saving mankind, Krea must claim her heritage, and Sorin must let go of his hatred.

I hope that helps. Also, I think your plot sounds pretty good. I wouldn't mind reading this one from what I've read so far.

I agree with the above comments - definitely the second one with a few adjustments as suggested.

I love/hate it when I come across these blurb work posts, only to find I wholeheartedly agree with the prior comments! LOL

Second blurb is so much better! It's fresh, catchy with just the right balance of humor (hopefully some of that tone carries thru the book too?) to really pique my interest. Those first lines of paragraph one are a great hook! Just a little refining and i think you're there.

Second, way more catchy.

Thanks so much for the help, folks. It is much appreciated!