Support for Indie Authors discussion

Hi. I'd appreciate your thoughts on this version including punctuation. Not sure if I should switch out some of those commas for stops or maybe goes. Much thanks. Hugs and kisses even.

Steal the bag. Don’t get caught. Repeat. Not the most glorious life, but Krea likes it just fine. So, when a cranky old caller barges in and decides to take control of her world, Krea is less than pleased. Sure, he saved her from a brutal death at the hands of the guards, and he did stop decrepit faerie monsters from eating her. But, telling her she isn’t human and dragging her off to the capital city is going too far.

Now, she is eyeball deep in magic wielding nobles, shapeshifting dragons, assassins and an ancient elf war that could destroy the Empire.

If that weren’t bad enough, in order to reach the council that might save her, Krea has to survive a cursed forest wearing a cloak that doesn’t fit, on a horse she can’t ride, in the shadow of a man who resents her very existence.

Now that you've read it and formed your own opinion, one of my biggest concerns is the 'shadow of a man' part. I don't want my female protag to look weak.

It used to read:

'wearing a cloak that doesn't fit, on a horse she can't ride, all with a man who resents her very existence.'

Okay, done.

I like the 'shadow of a man' part! It adds a dimensional layer I quite enjoy.

Am I supposed to know what a 'cranky old caller' is? Or is that a typo? I'll admit to confusion there.

Might have a few too many comas in there (particularly "But, telling her" Lose the coma there for sure IMO).

Overall, I like this version.

Thanks for the feedback!

I was confused by the cranky old caller, too.

Agree on losing the But, telling comma! I think you shouldn't start a new sentence with that but because it doesn't read naturally to me. Have it be a complete sentence.

The opening feels contemporary, then yous tart talking about magic, so I'm still not sure if it's contemporary or high fantasy. I guess the cover art could give that away.

And is the cranky caller the same shadow of a man... that's confusing too.

I'm wondering what the council will save her from... how exactly is she in danger... seems the cranky old man's got it covered. ;)

There's a lot of 'throw one block/event/catastrophe after another' there that kinda feels too repetitious. "Saved her from... Eyeball deep... If that weren't..." Can you mix it up so that it doesn't feel like hurdle after hurdle? Break up the pacing of the blurb a bit? Show what she's doing instead of what is done to her?

Nice story. I’m intrigued. I particularly love the last paragraph. If your manuscript continues in that voice, I have no doubt that it is a winner.

Here’s my suggestions:

Steal the bag. Don’t get caught. Repeat. Not the most glorious life, but Krea likes it just fine.

When a cranky old caller barges in and takes control of her world, Krea is less than pleased. Sure, he saved her from a brutal death at the hands of the guards, and stopped decrepit faerie monsters from eating her. But, telling her she isn’t human and dragging her to the capital city is going too far.

Now, she is eyeball deep in magic wielding nobles, shapeshifting dragons, assassins and an ancient elf-war threatening to destroy the Empire.

If that weren’t bad enough, in order to reach the council that might save her, Krea must survive a cursed forest wearing a cloak that doesn’t fit, on a horse she can’t ride, in the shadow of a man who resents her very existence.

It's a creative and fun blurb. It also gives me the feel that it is kind of a spoof (?) on fantasy, i.e., a cloak that doesn't fit, a horse she can't ride. I almost picture her hanging off the side of the horse. Don't know if that is the case, but it's the image, so if there is lots of humor, that's fine.

Super helpful. Thanks a bunch!!