Life Without Ed® (with Jenni!) discussion

If you are familiar with my work, you know that I learned to call my eating disorder, "Ed." This is obviously an acronym for "Eating Disorder." In early recovery, my first reaction to personifying my eating disorder was that my therapist needed more therapy than me! My therapist even wanted me to put Ed in a chair and talk to "him." At that point, consumed by Ed, I had no idea what Jenni actually had to say. Gratefully, "fake it until you make it" became a helpful tool in recovery. Importantly, when I began separating from Ed, I learned that the point of this metaphor was to help me see that I could, indeed, be responsible for my own recovery. Ed could say whatever he wanted (I couldn't change that), but I could change my response to Ed. This was empowering! If you have not read the intro to the book, here it is:

https://jennischaefer.com/wp-content/...

Do you name your eating disorder? Over the years, I have heard all kinds of names, including John and Helga. Have you had challenges with the metaphor of personification? Benefits? Journaling dialog between Ed and me was super helpful in early recovery. It was like training wheels.

Today, I receive emails from people who have not only divorced Ed but also Nic, Al, and Addi. Anyone want to guess what those names stand for?

How has the metaphor of Ed supported your recovery? Further, have you had challenges with the metaphor that you eventually learned to overcome? Thank you!

This part of your book helped me SO much and is the one part I remembered when I first read it a LONG time ago. My therapist here actually had me sit down multiple times in opposing chairs and talk with ED. I would switch seats whenever I wanted to say something or "ED" did. I tried journaling a conversation as well. Weirdly enough it always ended with me in the "me" chair. I didn't realize that until my doctor pointed it out. It's exhausting, it usually ended up in tears and shaking and I always needed a nap after, but it really helped me separate my thoughts from EDs thoughts. It's taken me awhile to be able to recognize when ED is talking and when I did, I still wanted to listen to him. I call it a him haha. With each time I challenged him though it became more and more clear that it was disordered thinking.

I'm not sure why, but I call my OCD thoughts "Odd" and Perfectionism thoughts, "Perf". Weird, I know!

Megan wrote: "This part of your book helped me SO much and is the one part I remembered when I first read it a LONG time ago. My therapist here actually had me sit down multiple times in opposing chairs and talk..."

I love this, Megan! Thanks for sharing. Recently, in therapy for learning to be more mindful, we named my perfectionism..."Go-Getter." Being a go-getter can be a good thing, but balance is key!

My Ed is a "him," too, obviously. One time, I was speaking in Canada and a not-so-popular politician named Ed was running for some position. At this particular event, people loved my anti-Ed stickers. It was later I found out that, while the Canadians were super supportive of Ed recovery, they just really didn't like the politician Ed! :)

For much of my battle with anorexia and even in recovery, I have gone back and forth with separating "Ed" from myself. At first, I liked the analogy and found freedom in knowing the real me wasn't trying to self-destruct. However, the more addicted to anorexia I became, the more I hated someone telling me that I wasn't actually the mastermind behind the restricting and overexercising. I wanted to take all the credit. In recovery, I have learned to love the idea that my eating disorder is a separate entity. I am not a manipulative, scheming, lying person-- Ed is! All the things I didn't like about "myself" were really Ed, and that gave me so much peace.

Tara wrote: "For much of my battle with anorexia and even in recovery, I have gone back and forth with separating "Ed" from myself. At first, I liked the analogy and found freedom in knowing the real me wasn't ..."

Oh, Tara, I so love what you wrote here! Thank you. You have had such a transformation. I am sure that your post here has inspired many. Thanks again!

As for the other divorcees, would they be "Al" for alcoholism, "Nic" for nicoteen and "Addi" for addiction?

I read "Life Without Ed" many years ago, and started calling him "Ed" then. For me, being able to at least somewhat separate Ed from myself did help my recovery. It seems easier to argue with someone else than with my own thoughts and feelings. And like Tara said, thinking of my eating disorder as a separate entity helped me to separate the good from the bad and to know that it's not "me" who is doing all of this, and that I am being lied when it comes to so many of the negatives.

Jodi wrote: "As for the other divorcees, would they be "Al" for alcoholism, "Nic" for nicoteen and "Addi" for addiction?

I read "Life Without Ed" many years ago, and started calling him "Ed" then. For me, bein..."

Hi Jodi - Thanks for sharing. You got it: alcoholism, nicotine, and addiction! I appreciate your reminder that Ed is a liar. Basically, I learned: if Ed is opening his mouth, he is lying. Please keep sharing. I love your contributions!

Hi Melody - Thank you for your post about this; I know others relate, as I have heard this before in emails. Because loved ones sometimes struggle with the separation idea, I actually wrote an entire section for loved ones in the new afterword in the 10th anniversary edition of Life Without Ed. If you don't have that edition yet, you can enter to win it here!

https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/sh...

Your husband might find this section in the new edition helpful.

Separating from Ed isn't about blaming Ed for things. When we separate from Ed, that means accountability for recovery falls squarely on our shoulders. Sometimes, we aren't far enough along in recovery to disagree with Ed, but awareness is key. In early recovery, I still obeyed Ed a lot, but I knew I was doing it. I was aware; I was agreeing with Ed. The first step is just that. Then, with greater recovery experience as well as a nourished brain, we develop the skills to disagree with and disobey Ed.

We don't choose to have eating disorders. We do choose to get better. I hope this helps. Keep fighting!

Thanks for this group Jenni. I haven't been active with posting because I feel that I may say something wrong or "not good enough of a response" and people would judge me for that. In response to the "name" that the eating disorder could be called....bc I'm in a bit of denial still since I don't medically fit the mold for an ED, I call my disorder "eating issues". I understand that this is keeping me in denial, but it feels safe. Once again, thanks for this group and for bringing up this topic.

Jenni wrote: "Hi Melody - Thank you for your post about this; I know others relate, as I have heard this before in emails. Because loved ones sometimes struggle with the separation idea, I actually wrote an enti..."

Hi Andrea - First off, that is awesome that you posted here! I know that took courage and a leap of faith (a lot like recovery, huh?). None of us here post perfectly; the goal is perfectly imperfect. We encourage authenticity, which your post surely reveals: thank you. The topic you mentioned is so key that I am about to start a thread about that. So many people relate to "eating issues." In fact, within this group, we will cover my third book later, which is all about that...



You might find excerpts helpful here: https://jennischaefer.com/books/almos...

Please post again. What you shared is great! I am sure others are reluctant to post as well, so I'd bet you encouraged others. Thanks again!

Andrea wrote: "Thanks for this group Jenni. I haven't been active with posting because I feel that I may say something wrong or "not good enough of a response" and people would judge me for that. In response to t..."

Hey there, again, Andrea! Here is that thread I just started: https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/... Please share any thoughts if you feel comfortable. Thanks again for being open!

Oops: I just noticed with my previous post to you that I accidentally responded by hitting reply to Melody. If you look just above, you will see my first comment to you. You'll see your name!

It is extremely difficult for me to refer to the eating disorder as "Ed." I'm reading your book years ago, I recall you comparing the eating disorder to an abusive relationship with a person. I think this is why the metaphor has been so difficult for me to connect with.
I think because it seems like a masculine name, and is often referred to as "he," I really struggle with this term.
For years when I think about anorexia and the fact that it is so ingrained in me, I think of it as "The Monster Within."

Julie wrote: "It is extremely difficult for me to refer to the eating disorder as "Ed." I'm reading your book years ago, I recall you comparing the eating disorder to an abusive relationship with a person. I thi..."

Hi there, Julie - Thank you for sharing your honest answer. My friend actually wrote a book called My Monster Within: My Story. You might want to check it out. I look forward to hearing more from you!