Life Without Ed® (with Jenni!) discussion

Thanks for suggesting this section of Life Without Ed, Heidi! In this section of the book, I discuss how I learned to create a truly helpful support team. At first, I had thought "just anyone" could be on the team. But, then, I realized that I needed to choose more wisely. Any thoughts on this section of the book? How have you been able to create a powerful support team? Thanks for participating! I love reading what you share.

You’re welcome, Jenni.

I can relate to what you wrote in this section of the book. I seem to choose the wrong people to reach out to.

I tried to find support in a coworker, only to realize that she is probably struggling with an ED and does not even know it. She would come past my desk, and if she sees me eating anything, she will make a comment about how I should not be eating that because I need to lose weight – this is something she still does at times, but ever since I finally stood up and gave her my dietitian’s phone number, and told her to call my dietitian if she has an issue with what I am eating, she has backed off some. She would even pull me aside to tell me that my stomach is too big and I need to really work on losing it. She said all of this even after I confided in her and told her I struggled with an ED.

I had also confided in a roommate who lived with me for 6 years. She was a controlling and abusive roommate, but I still tried to trust her. She would always tell me I ate like a bird. After I ate, if I went to the bathroom, she would always insist I tell her what I was doing in the bathroom. She would find ways to control me by using my ED or anything else she knew about me, including my history of abuse.

In 2014, I thought I had finally found the support I had been looking for. I joined a group at a church. The group is called Celebrate Recovery, and it seemed like such a perfect fit for me. I could talk openly about my history of abuse, my PTSD, my BPD, and my ED. I grew really close with a lady in the group, and started to hang out with her a lot. She was like a big sister to me. She came to my house one evening, and as she was looking at some pictures I have up, she saw an old family pic, and asked me if that was my dad. I told her it was, and she asked me what his name way. Trusting her, I told her his name. I later found out she went on Facebook, found my dad, and friended him, even after she knew everything he did to me. Then, when she was confronted about this by the group leaders, she made herself out to be a victim somehow, and I became the bad guy. I was kicked out of Celebrate Recovery.

In 2015, I started going to a codependent group at the clinic where I attend therapy. I was the youngest in the group, but all of us quickly became friends. Two of the individuals from the group (a man and a woman) and I became very close. At the beginning of 2016, the two began to date, and things became difficult. Soon, things I had told them about myself, were being used against me to hurt me. In April of 2017, I finally spoke up and tried to figure out what was going on, only to be ignored by both.

I have also learned that sometimes, family does not make a great support system. My family is not supportive to me. They do not like that I am in therapy. To them, I am lying about what my dad did to me. I also do not have an ED, according to my family, I just don’t eat as much as others, and that is okay, because I need to lose weight, so men will like me and I will be pretty. My family has also told me that I don’t have to listen to my dietitian, because she is telling me to eat too much, and I’ll never lose the weight listening to what she tells me to eat.

Those are just some, simplified examples of what I experienced, but there are many others too. Currently, the only support I have is from my therapist and dietitian, and now from this group too. I know eventually I will tell someone again, and not receive the support I am looking for, but I am also scared to confide in anyone.

We need the support when we are in recovery, regardless of what the recovery is from (ED, alcohol, drugs, self-injury, PTSD, etc.), but we need to be careful who we let into our circle of trust and support. We need to make sure the people we choose are empathic, and are willing to listen to us when we need to vent/talk. We need people who are nonjudgmental and who are safe for us. We also need to prepare ourselves for when we do confide in someone only to find out they are not as supportive as we had thought/hoped they would be.

Someday, I hope I will have a powerful support system/team.

Thanks so much for sharing, Heidi and Melody. You both always write such powerful posts. Finding the right support can definitely be a trial and error game at times. We might experiment with groups of people; then, we learn lessons for the future. In my second recovery (PTSD), I was much better at choosing support than with Ed. Yet, I wasn't perfect. Progress, not perfection. Great to hear from you, two. Thanks again!