Christian Speculative Fiction discussion

"You are quite a dancer," said a deep familiar voice.
Cin turned to see the old charlatan wizard sitting a couple of chairs down from her. The dark-hair wizard with prominent grey streaks in his slicked back hair stared at her with emerald eyes. His jewel-tone robes set him apart from everyone else in the room.
"Ah, Wizard Esh," said Cin coldly. "Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go." Cin took a sip of her wine.
"We did not make a successful first impress on each other," he said. "Perhaps, we should try again."
"If at first, you don't succeed, redefine success, is that it?" asked Cin.
"No, how about if at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you even tried," he replied.
Cin raised an eyebrow. "Alright then." She held out her gloved hand to him. "I am Miss Cinnamon. I am pleased to make your acquaintance Mr Esh. Now, we can be friends and say no more to each other for the rest of the night."
Wizard Esh stood up and walked over to take her hand. He shook it as he sat in the chair next to her. "People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves."
"Then, you think that I want to talk with you?" said Cin. "You are quite mistaken."
Wizard Esh put his arm behind her chair and moved closer as though he was going to tell her a secret. "Oh, but I think you do. I can help you and the prince if you will let me."
Cin studied the old man and his permanent smirk. He had eyes that danced with both humour and cold calculation. She frowned. "We can learn from our mistakes, and it seems I will learn a lot today."
His smirk turned into a sly smile. "The pearl on your necklace has drawn the eye of that man over there." He indicated a senior man on the other side of the room who was staring at her with a glass of wine in his hand. "He has casually asked a few in the room, including myself, if they knew how you got it. Since I do not know, I have said nothing, but..."
He waited as he studied Cin's face.
Cin looked at him and narrowed her eyes. "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"You know the rest well," he said. "I have endured your rudeness because you are clever, my dear. Far more clever than anyone else I have ever met your age."
She nodded. "What is his name?"
"Cicely," said Wizard Esh as they both looked at the man across the room. "He is a fisherman who owns his boat. He is here with his wife."
"Why do you think I would care that he is interested in my necklace?" Cin asked as she studied Wizard Esh again.
"Because you are," said the Wizard. "I know people, my dear. You and the prince are not here to enjoy the weather. It took me most of the night, and Mr Cicely's interest to figure out what you two were at."
"I see," she said. "And this is for your own amusement?"
"Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, or fattening," said Wizard Esh sitting back and folding his hands in his lap. "I will let you chose the reward for my good deed; I just hope that it jingles in my pocket."
Cin smirked. "I suppose the best helping hand one can give is a good, firm push. Tell him that I received the necklace very recently as a gift from a friend. As a reward for your good deed, I can give you a dance. If you want more, then you will have to sell your wit to his majesty, and I can tell you from experience, he doesn't buy it."
The wizard snorted. "I will pass on the dance. I can't stand the exertion. I prefer monetary rewards to cover the cost of living."
"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?" said Cin. "If you don't want to relay the message then I lose nothing. If you do, then you have the favour of a powerful person. I suspect that favour might be useful when people learn not to trust you."
"You are a hard negotiator," he replied with a broad smile. It was almost like he enjoyed Cin's tartness. Cin found him baffling but hid the emotion inside.
"It is easy when I don't care about the outcome," said Cin going back to sipping her wine.
He studied her obviously amused. "I have no idea why, but I will convey your message. You should try the magic business, Miss Cin. You would be good at it."
He stood up and meandered the room casually. Cin watched Wizard Esh work the crowd with charisma, receiving bows and curtsies more gracefully than a duke.

Ok. I'm hooked!

This sentence threw me though. "We did not make a successful first impress on each other," he said. "Perhaps, we should try again." I am accustomed to "first impression", but that's just me.

Otherwise, the dialogue flows and the mystery builds. The verbal jousting is fun too.

Now, about that pearl necklace...

Stan wrote: "Ok. I'm hooked!

This sentence threw me though. "We did not make a successful first impress on each other," he said. "Perhaps, we should try again." I am accustomed to "first impression", but that'..."

Awesome! It's a typo. It is supposed to be "impression." Maybe I'll let you be a beta reader when I get this novel done, so you can get the rest of the story. Only if you have time, of course.

I like it - a lot! The back and forth is exactly the kind of exchange I enjoy between characters.

Two things stood out for me:
1. The POV seems to change part way through. "He waited as he studies Cin's face."
2. "meandered the room casually" reads awkwardly.

Other than that, I also want to know where she got her necklace (and more about the prince).

I started reading and got hooked by the dialogue—their barbed repartee is very well done. And, yes, like Stan I'm hooked—I want know more about the necklace, and what Cin and the prince are really "at", as the wizard suggested!

Just a few things jarred with me: One was the fisherman's name, Cicely: in the UK this is a woman's name. Is it not known or much used in the States?

Another was the comment "Cin found him baffling but hid the emotion inside." Somehow that diversion into her inner thoughts seems to break the spell of showing, rather than telling. But a lot depends on how you've been handling that elsewhere in the story. If it's one where thoughts are important clues and you reveal them fairly regularly, then this would fit in.

A third small thing—very minor—was that I felt in a few places the dialogue became a bit stilted because you didn't use casual contractions. Examples are: "You are a hard negotiator" (not "You're…"); "It is easy when …" (not "It's"); and "I will convey your message" (not "I'll convey…"). I wondered if this was deliberate, to emphasise the lack of cordiality between them? But then I would have expected Cin to be formal and the wizard familiar and more informal.

Those are all minor points, though. Basically it does what any opening piece of writing should: it grabs your attention and makes you want to read more!

Lara wrote: "Only if you have time, of course."

We'll see. I'm definitely interested.

These are great points and things I am definitely going to look over! I especially needed the advice on the name, the pov, and contractions. I am very glad I posted this.

Concerning the necklace, this novel is a murder mystery located in a fantasy world. Can't say too much more or it will spoil the book. I am hoping to have it done my the end of the year since I am currently cleaning it up from a very rough first draft right now.

This needs a lot of work. I'll try to discuss it at length.

"You are quite a dancer," said a deep familiar voice.
Cin turned to see the old charlatan wizard sitting a couple of chairs down from her. The dark-hair wizard with prominent grey streaks in his slicked back hair stared at her with emerald eyes. His jewel-tone robes set him apart from everyone else in the room.

Why is the wizard a charlatan? It's not something you can just see, like being old. You repeat hair twice in the next sentence (with multiple typos.) Jewel-tone is not a good term. Rewriting a little:

Cin turned to see Esh sitting a couple of chairs down from her. The old charlatan stared at her with emerald eyes, eyes that matched the color of his gaudy robe perfectly. Wizard though he was, age wasn't kind to him; gray streaks ran through his black hair despite his attempts to hide them.

Don't be afraid to go in depth with descriptions, so you don't overload the reader trying to cram in too many things in a sentence. You also want to avoid repetition, and focus on concrete details.

edit: heh, having said that, I realized that my passage is a little more concise and uses repetition briefly.

Dialogue next:

"Ah, Wizard Esh," said Cin coldly. "Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go." Cin took a sip of her wine.
"We did not make a successful first impress on each other," he said. "Perhaps, we should try again."
"If at first, you don't succeed, redefine success, is that it?" asked Cin.
"No, how about if at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you even tried," he replied.
Cin raised an eyebrow. "Alright then." She held out her gloved hand to him. "I am Miss Cinnamon. I am pleased to make your acquaintance Mr Esh. Now, we can be friends and say no more to each other for the rest of the night."

The dialogue here is good in intent, but not in execution. A thing I notice in Christian spec fic is that people seem to have issues with dialogue and natural sounding people. Your information is actually good, but they don't sound natural. You can use contractions, slang, truncated words, etc. I think it also needs more time spend to bridge the information. Esh compliments her on her dance, but she just goes straight into insults.There's also a few non sequitirs; if esh failed to make a good impression, he's not redefining success if he tries again. Also it may help if you haven't already to remind us why he failed to make such. Again, rewriting:

"Ah, Wizard Esh," Cin said. She took a sip of her wine to hide her irritation at the doddering old fool. "I have been often accused of spreading happiness wherever I go. Unlike others, who bring happiness by leaving."

Esh ignored the barb. "So cold, my dear. I admit I failed to make a good first impression. Perhaps I should try again?"

(edit: hoisted by my own petard, he didn't ignore the barb after all.)

"If at first you don't succeed, admit failure, is that it?" asked Cin. The fact that the old lecher thought groping her meant "making a bad impression" was lost on him.

"I'd rather destroy all evidence that I tried," he replied. "But I find that difficult with people. Messy too."

Cin raised an eyebrow at his candor. "All right then," she said, holding out her gloved hand. "Cinnamon, dancer and consort to Prince Whathisname." She emphasized the last part, being sure to look the old wizard straight in the eye. "I am pleased to meet you, sir. Now, can we please go back to ignoring each other for the rest of the night?"

I'm writing a lot more in these sections, but there is a lot of information that is left out in what you provide. You can use actions to add context in between dialogue and reveal more about the two's relationship. Don't be afraid to take time and use words.

One last thing I struggle with is an error that you do as well. Using commas as pauses as if we were speaking. "Now, we can be friends" when "Now we can be friends" is correct. I struggle with grammar as well.

I think you need to work on being less terse with writing, and on dialogue a bit. Bridge it a little better, add more descriptive tags in between when appropriate, and work on natural sounding words. Spend time really developing all aspects of the scene; what cin sees, thinks, hears, feels, etc.

The passage isn't that bad in terms of intent, but it's really execution that hurts many writers.

D.M. wrote: "This needs a lot of work. I'll try to discuss it at length.

"You are quite a dancer," said a deep familiar voice.
Cin turned to see the old charlatan wizard sitting a couple of chairs down from he..."

Thank you so much for your feedback. A lot of the missing information comes from the fact that this passage is pulled from the middle of a 100,000 word novel and it is also located in the middle of a chapter as well. I definitely like the suggestions for the more natural dialogue and more descriptions. I think you miss the sharp humor and bitter irony in the way things are phrased, so I will need to work on bringing that out better. Thanks again for the feedback.

I have to agree with Lara, D.M., that although you make some good points, your version of her dialogue lacks the speed and 'punch' of the original. That's what attracted me to the piece in the first place.

I'm no writing expert, but my gut feeling is that sometimes it's better to leave things a little cryptic—for the reader to work out—in the interests of rapid-fire dialogue that really grabs the reader's interest (and definitely adds to the enjoyment, for me at least).

Yeah, I used a lot of longer sentences in that. I could probably edit to break it up some and add more back and forth. I don't mind cryptic, but you always want to be vivid too; you want to feel Cin's coldness to him and get inside her head. If she talks you want to feel her iciness to him.

Lara, np. Just...well, just try to seek hard criticism.