it's personal discussion

read on if you want to see what a jangled mess my mind is sometimes, I promise it wont be consistent and some things might not make sense

sometimes it just hits you, might be just a random time of the day, you're just there going about your life then it'll appear, it's probably there the whole time, every laugh you hear from her, kinda distorted by that blasted delay, it's there at the back of your mind, whispering things to you, how you wish you can hear her laugh, feel her warmth, see her head thrown back and her smile when she does it.

its at the back of your mind, all. the. damn. time.

you just dont acknowledge it because its hard, everything would be harder if you think about how difficult it is not to just grab on and hold her, how times and sleep patters and signal disruptions makes you want to claw your eyes out and cry in frustration because it hinders you both

how sometimes you get so angry at people because how dare they have their person close by and i dont

how sometimes you get nightmares about her being unsafe while you're here a whole oceans away clueless

it sometimes hits you, and you start crying, a dam finally broken, tiny cracks on the foundation finally giving way for it to break
and break you did

sometimes it just hits you, how much you miss her, how she's there but not really, how you want her to be actually there

its hard but existing without her is harder

starting with angst, that's exactly my brand

thinking about the future is scary sometimes
why is it so terrifying? maybe the unknown triggers our brain's flight or fight response, maybe that's why planners and lists give me at least a semblance of calm because my brain thinks the unknown can be organized in a strategic manner and ticked off one by one

I cannot disagree. The future is something I am scared of. Even when you are not prepared to it.

Planners is one think that I use to keep my mind at peace.

I prefer things to be more organised.

sapphic wrote: "sometimes it just hits you, might be just a random time of the day, you're just there going about your life then it'll appear, it's probably there the whole time, every laugh you hear from her, kin..."

that was beautiful

badger [ghosting] wrote: "hey you. i love you.
a lot."

I agree.

its kind of weird being an adult
i used to think of them as these strange entities that have life figured out or at least have a good grasp on it
and now that i'm one i realize that everything i thought i knew about adults is an illusion
no one really made a guide on how to be one
at least when you were a teenager or a child you had school, older people telling you what you should or shouldnt do
so when you leave school you're exposed to all these things, like a tiny fish thrown into the great big ocean and told, "yes, swim"

most of my adult life has been a blur, a jumbled mess of mistakes and blindly grasping for things i have no idea how to work

and i havent found the use of the pythagorean theorem once
what a complete waste

adult life is pretending to know and googling it surreptiously when no ones looking

how did people do use to do these things when the internet didnt exist?
they cant really google "what is mortage" or "what the fuck is even an insurance plan"

in conclusion, being an adult is not fun, yeah its cool that you can buy stuff what you want with your own money and have freedom on what you do but at the end of the day, its your own money that you'll be spending and then one day you'll just wake up with a few dollars and no groceries and a pile of new clothes you probably wont wear because you rarely go out

you'll realize the fact that shit, all of my choices are mine now and so will the consequences along it

probably why adults are so uptight

i dont know

badger [ghosting] wrote: "hey you. i love you.
a lot."

i love you too baby, more than a lot ;)

when i was a child i used to stare up at the moon and found out it followed me wherever I go

i was overjoyed, i had a new friend. i told it stories, the hopes and dreams of a child my age and worries that were innocent and small but not for the younger me

the moon was silent, it understood, the moon didn't offer harsh judgments

i used to stare at it, neck straining but giggling happily, ran away only to look back and see it still there, following

i would shriek in laughter and continue to run, i would spin on the balls of my feet, over and over until i felt dizzy

it was a great time

but bit by bit as i grew up i slowly forgot about the moon
settled for nights inside hiding, busying myself in other matters, covering up worries and fears

but then tonight, just a random day after decades had passed, i stared at it again and there it still was and i can almost hear my young self talking to it and it was like meeting an old friend again
but at the same time i remembered the bad things that were associated with it

i only stare at the moon sometimes, it hurt too much to look--not physically at least

i still think it's beautiful though

sometimes life works not the way you want it to but the way how it should be

How did you even know you loved her?

I was asked that question once but honestly, I just knew, that moment she came bursting with weirdness and memes, she was just...sweet and a little bit awkward and so so beautiful and strong. So how can I not? She made me feel better, she still does.

I might not be one to easily believe on spirits and fate but with her, I can confidently say that she's my soulmate.

If you want to know how would you know someone is yours let me ask you a few things

Do they make you feel safe, is the mere sound of their voice feel like coming home after a really long day?

Have they seen the darkest parts of you and instead of running or seeing you as a completely different person they stayed and somehow still loved you despite of it?

Can you talk to them about everything and not feel any sort of discomfort because you know whatever you tell them would be heard and understood and never judged? Do you trust them freely without doubt?

Do they calm down the worst panic attacks and the really bad breakdowns with just a few quiet words?

If they can do all of that, then they're definitely your person

And I'm damn lucky that I found mine

She's everything, absolutely everything

i read Robert Frost's poem Fire and Ice again today, just for kicks, i've always found it fascinating even as a twelve year old about the idea of the world ending either in fire or ice.

my teenage brain favored ice--maybe because i've lived in a tropical climate all my life and grown sick of it
freezing to death seemed more fun than burning alive--yes my kid self was very morbid and fantisized about apocalypses a lot
but i digress, reading the poem now made me think of its other meaning

some say the world would end in fire some say in ice

it means not the literal end of the world but rather the end of the relationship between two people

some end with fire--their word cutting and sharp, each blow going in for the kill, things thrown, faces red from screaming, an inferno of anger burning down every bridge of familiarity leaving only ashes of disdain

some end in ice--a quiet fury, the feeling of resentment slowly crawling into their bodies like frostbite, eating them whole until there's only cold stares of apathy left, bags packed in the middle of the night leaving remnants of the shadows of once strong relationship but now stand dead corpses of indifference as if none of them existed

now which one do I prefer?
fire or ice?

once upon a time there was a girl who lived in a village that no longer exists, where everything you could imagine was discovered. a stick can be a sword, a rock can be a precious gem and a tree can be a castle. her hair was golden as her heart and her eyes shined like the ocean. she went about her days so carefree and innocent as girls do when one day she stumbled upon a prince. he was tall and handsome and who wouldn’t want a prince like him?

the girl didn’t.

but of course she has to, she was supposed to, she was destined to.

they proclaimed marriage and parted ways into the night and in that day forth they were king and queen.

their story was great as it was tragic.

once upon a time there were two beautiful kingdoms. the prince—now the king’s kingdom was filled with pride and loyalty. the princess—now the queen’s kingdom was good and lovely and heavenly with a very large sum of riches. people said they fell in love at first sight because of course they would. of course. he gave her flowers and she pretended she loved it. and she gave him gold for his treasury. they were horribly, desperately happy.

or at least they seem so.

they started having problems, the prince took the princess back to his kingdom and they became king and queen, then slowly, things started to change. the king’s kingdom was small and poor because of his greed. there were no parties for the queen to dance at and no other princesses drowning in pearls or diamonds for her to talk to. she was lonely.

she sat at their castle alone most days and nights while the king took her money and left without saying goodbye. they fought and cried and screamed till their voices grew hoarse and the nights became longer as if the sun couldn’t even bear to look at them.

when they could no longer stand it, they went straight to the fairies and begged them to make them happy again. but you can never really get back what you never really had.

they thought the fairies would help them and they would be good but they were really just stupid. all of them. they were told that if they had a baby, all would be fine again.

soon after, a princess was born. the stupid fairies came over and fawned over the child and the kingdom rejoiced and the king and queen sat together with big painted smiles on their faces.

of course it didn’t last.

one day, the castle doors burst open and a witch flew in, furious. “fools.”she seethed, one long clawed finger stretched towards them, “how dare you? this child is cursed from her very first breath. she will not save your marriage and you will ruin her. on her fourteenth birthday, at sunset, she will be gone forever, cursed with a sleep-like death. and what will you do?”

the king and queen trembled and clutched at their daughter so tightly that she wailed. and as she grew they held on tighter. not to her, no, they held on to the idea that their fake, forced happiness still existed.

but every night as the princess grew she would watch them scream and sob, mourning for things they never had and fighting over things that were long gone.

she counted down the days that she can get away. the king and queen avoided her and avoided each other, but all thinking the same thing, “when will this end?”

Did you make the story? It’s amazing and I want to read the continuation (if it has). It would be a very beautiful fairytale retelling!

yeah I did, thank you! I’m not really sure if I would continue it, maybe if I have a new idea on how to progress with the plot, nonetheless, thank you for thinking that it’s good, I was half asleep when I wrote it lol

You deserve all the praises! Keep up the good work... I hope one day you could publish a book!

what comes to your mind when you hear bravery

bravery is mostly thought as loud, taking no prisoners, voices raised, hands clutched tight. bravery is fight, bravery is hard steel and cold metal

my girl is the complete opposite of that description but she's the bravest person I know

bravery is putting all your cards on the table, laying everything bare and open and remaining still and trusting

she is brave, she faced all the hardships a human being shouldn't ever face but her heart remained warm.

her love remained constant, she remained giving and kind

bravery is telling the person you love that you loved them first, without wavering and with full honesty. she told me she loved me first when I was too chicken shit to tell

bravery is smashing past all the walls I've built, all the barbs I've put up only to remain kind, only to remain forgiving that I even put there in the first place

bravery is loving me despite all of it

bravery is her heart, so open and honest, without a trace of cynic. i've always said that she is too good for the world and that it's shit and would swallow her whole but I know now it wouldn't, she's too strong, too brave to let it devour her love and turn it into hate

when I hear bravery I think of her

i've always liked yellow

if you knew me you'd be surprised, a girl who often wears black or some shade of grey

who listens to loud bass filled music that "screams too much" as my aunt eloquently put it

but I like yellow

it reminds me of the days when I was young and it meant summer

where at times when I was actually allowed to go outside and play I had the grandest time

i played pretend with other kids, I was the monster and they were the poor victims I slaughter (it was fun and it was definitely not my idea)

i played softball with my cousins and almost always won

we dug holes that would reach the other side of the world and if I somehow found a worm I will almost always throw it at them

it was amazing

i felt like I was normal

i was happy

as a child I knew the importance of it

i often find myself staring up the sky, bright blue with the big fluffy clouds of summer, the heat against my skin and the warm breeze.

i would think in my nine year old brain, this is happiness, this is something temporary but should be cherished

not with those exact words of course

summers got less and less fun as time progresses because kids grow up

no time to go outside, too focused on their own things

kids learn that monsters aren't always pretend

and digging holes to get away from here became more of an everyday thing rather than something they do for an adventure

i started to associate yellow with it, so I started to dislike it

but then she came along

the embodiment of the color yellow

she was like the summers I had years ago, she made me feel warm and at ease

she made me feel the happiness again

but this time she made me feel that it wasn't so temporary

if yellow was a feeling that's how she makes me feel