Christian Speculative Fiction discussion
Critique and Editing
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Critique Needed: The Change
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I couldn't get your link to work. Could you post it again?
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This link worked.
I like it, and it hooks me. I'm curious to what The Change is and about the two companies you mention. You give enough about each other characters that I want to learn more. Since it's such a short piece, I would have to see more to give more imput. It will be neat to see how you develop this into a longer story.
Lara wrote: "Kayla wrote: "Sure thing! Here you go: https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/..."This link worked.
I like it, and it hooks me. I'm curious to what The Change is and about the two ..."
Than you for the good feedback! I was hoping to hook readers with the mystery surrounding the Change, so I'm glad that worked! I'll be uploading the next chapter ASAP!
https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...Here's Chapter 2! This chapter is about my other main character, and Chapter 3 will be a bit of a backstory about the Change! Hope you enjoy, please do let me know what your thoughts are!
Thanks in advance!
The first chapter.You are telling, not showing, everything. For example.
He'd had the dream again, where he'd accepted the Change, and had ended up as a beggar, being chased down by more of his kind looking for a morsel of food.
Show this. Write a scene where Gamma is desperately running through your future city being chased by a horde of faceless people, only to be cornered and wake up in cold sweat from the dream. Then you can have him say to Tirzah, who was awakened by his cries, "it was the dream again." You want to hook people right away with a vivid scene, rather than just use the narrator to tell us what we need to know.
It's sort of the same issue with Gamma's relationship with Tirzah, it's best to show through actions and dialogue than tell. You don't have to rush through all that in the first chapter.
You may also want to make the earphones a bit more science-ficitony. "Earphone" as a name kind of suggests headphones or hearing aids; it was hard for me to get the sense of why they were the fantastic technology you mentioned in the description.
You are a decent writer, and when you do description it's pretty good. There are a few issues with weird word choice, like "connection gift," as well as over-extended sentences.
They organized lunch together for that day, and Gamma got dressed in one of his best suits, and left for work.
Rewriting it some just for example's sake:
They made plans for lunch. Gamma put on one of his best suits, and left for work.
The second chapter is much better. The Paltiel description gives me a good sense of him as a character. The first half is good description and shows a lot through actions. You have some of the same issues in the second as in the first, but it reads much better. I think if you flesh it out some, and get someone willing to give honest criticism you'd improve a lot.
D.M. wrote: "The first chapter.You are telling, not showing, everything. For example.
He'd had the dream again, where he'd accepted the Change, and had ended up as a beggar, being chased down by more of his ..."
Thank you very much, now that I think about it, that really would make it much better! I will definitely do some work and improve those points, and edit the story!
Thanks again!
https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...Here is the revised Chapter 1, hopefully it's a little better than the original! Please do let me know your thoughts on it!
Thank you!
it's honestly much better. I thought this was very well done:He picked up his earphone as he began picking his outfit.
"Call Gaddiel," he whispered into the microphone, trying not to wake up his wife. His earphone made the connection in nanoseconds. He had to hand it to Kurbo: their products were impressive.
It was a good way of describing his call. You could remove "into the microphone" or replace "His earphone" with "It," but it really flowed well. The new intro was better too. A much better sense of his dream, with more descriptive language.
I did a word count, and you have 603 words in that chapter. If you are writing a novel, 1-2k or more words per chapter isn't too long. 50-70k words is a short novel. I mention this because I think writing more overall might help you a bit, but i wouldn't worry too much right now. You want to set the bones of the story down some, and then as you go over it later, don't be afraid to write more and longer.
I wish you luck, it will be interesting to see how your story develops.
D.M. wrote: "it's honestly much better. I thought this was very well done:He picked up his earphone as he began picking his outfit.
"Call Gaddiel," he whispered into the microphone, trying not to wake up his ..."
Thank you, I'm glad that it's better! The revised Chapter 2 and Chapter 3 are currently in the works, and I'll remember those techniques as I write them!
Here is the link: https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...
Thanks again!