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Could you guys tell me how i am doing so far in my book pls
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Hey artful dodger ill mourn for a kid but wont cry for a king could you help me with the story pls.
Goldcity Firestone By Jaiden Sitor
Prologue
In a land full of monsters, trolls, undead, and stone holders there is one stone. The Firestone has only been held by one person, and Kav Smith killed him. He tried to get the stone to give to is boss, but when he tried to touch, it he was killed by the healer. The healer used her healing powers but could not awaken the legendary fire stone master. The Earth stone was the second person to touch the fire stone and put it away in a magical safe. There are only two ways to open it: one is if all the good element stones (Water, life/Heal, Wind, Ice,Stone/Rock, Nature/Earth, and Space) are put in the slot, or second if the legendary stone holder was chosen and able to get the stone and save the dimension from certain death.
Chapter One
“Jaiden, let's go! We're going to be late,” mom yelled from the car.
I stumbled out of bed. What time was it? I thought to myself still waking up. ”What time is it? Oh my gosh! It is 7:00. Camp starts in three hours!!!” I yelled.
I ran downstairs, grabbed my bag, and sprinted my way to the car like I was being chased by my dog. Speaking of my dog, Goldie comes running down and tackles me.
“Get off of me girl,” I say. “We’re going to be late if you don't.” Goldie has been my dog since it was a puppy. The Golden Retriever was a bundle of joy.
I got outside, jumped in the car with Goldie, and we’re off to camp.
“Mmm...what is that amazing smell? Mom, did you make honey buns?” I asked. Mom’s honey buns were amazing, and you could and would always smell mom's delicious breakfast.
“As a matter of fact I did,” my mom said. She loved to cook and was amazing at it.
“Yes!” my best friend Zach screamed. He was a great friend like a brother; plus, he also loved her cooking.
We drove for awhile, and eventually we arrived at camp. We got out of the car, and Goldie ran out to a bush. There she took care of her business. Holding on to her leash, we walked into camp and went to our cabins.
When we got in our cabins, we picked our beds.
“I call top,” I say rushing for it.
“No, fair. I wanted the top, and you always get the top,” complained Zach.
“Sorry man. I was faster,” I almost boast.
“All right, fine,” Zach admits.
Looking around I see twelve beds and half are full. We look around and find the bathroom, game room, video game/showing room, cafeteria, and outside.
“Hey, Zach, do you want to go explore outside? Goldie would probably like to go out,” I ask.
“I don't see why not,” he replies. The three of us go outside and explore. We see birds, cats, and dogs. Every time we saw an animal, I had to hold on to the leash like I was holding on to it to save my life so Goldie wouldn't go running around like a crazy animal. We saw a cave, and we decided to go in. We adventour into an ice cold cave, icicles everywhere, and then out of nowhere I felt a chill. Then I heard a scratchy voice.
“Come to me. Come to us,” I heard the sound almost sounded like pleading. I felt crazy.
“Ahh Z-Zach did you hear sss-something?” I stammered.
“No, what did it say?” he said giving me a puzzled look.
“I-it s-said, ‘Come to me, come to us.’”
“Are you feeling alright?” asked Zach with a concerned look on his face.
Then I saw a bright light shining in the cave we were in, and I saw a glowing thing of light.
“Now that II-I s-see,”Zach stammered. “What is this?” I asked in awe.
“I don't know,” he answered.
We looked at the beautiful blue portal. The cold air became warm air. I put my hand through the blue portal, and it tickled my skin. Suddenly I am pushed with Zach and Goldie into the deep blue portal. I feel weird swirling over and over in the blue light. Then I black out in what I call home away from home.
Chapter 2
When I regain consciousness, I see blue water. I'm on a white hot sandy beach. The heat is unbearable, and I jump in the crystal clear water. The water feeling, cold on my skin I get out of the water, my clothes heavy and damp.
I call, “Zach,” no answer. Desperately I call again. “Zach, Goldie where are you?” screaming until I couldn't breathe.
“HELP!!!” I hear spinning around I see Zach running from a huge beast. The beast was huge— bigger than a 20 foot story building. The giant beast carried a large sharp axe. He swung at a tree. One strike it fell. Zach was in trouble and I needed to save him!
Looking around I look for some sort of weapon, and I see a small iron sword next to an unfortunate soul who probably died by the beast.
“The beast is coming in fast, and I still don't know what to do,” I say.
Then a life saving light bulb appeared. I knew what to do.
“Hey, giant over here!” I screamed while climbing a huge tree. My plan was stupid, but it was my best chance
The giant beast turns around, sees me, and slices the tree that I am standing on. I jump and land on the beast’s back and start hacking away. Trying desperately to get me off, I climb up stabbing the sword in his back and make it to the head. With all my might I stab him in the head.
The giant falls hard I jump off into the water. I have a couple off scrapes. The giant, on the other hand, was dead. I swim back to shore feeling pride. When I get on shore, I find a sword container and attached it to my jeans. Zach comes running to me out of breath.
He says, “Jaiden, you saved me thank you.”
“No problem,” I say and we high five. Then we hear a sound and the bushes open. Goldie comes running out and jumps on me licking me. We were all safe and together, but we had one problem: how do we get home? The air reeked, the flies all over the giant. I could not bear the smell.
“So you just killed a giant,” breathlessly zach said.
“Yep,” I say.
“Okay, now what?”
I don't know I reply back. Then the ground started to shake shaking me left and right....
“Wwww-what's hhh-hhh-happening?” I yelled to Zach.
“Yyy-yy--you ttt-t-think I know?” he yelled back. Then we saw the cause of the shaking. 500 more giants some with clubs, others with crossbows, some with cannon,s and most with swords were charging at full speed towards us.
Chapter 3
Now, if you saw an army of giants, what would you do? Run for the hills and became a farmer? Yay, that's how I felt, especially since they want revenge.
“Uuhh, Jaiden?”
“Yay, Zach?”
“I think we should run,” stammered Zach.
“Yay, we should even Goldie looks terrified then for a moment we were all still then crazy, running for my life there are 50 giants with a knife and more weapons. We need to hide, but when I look around, I see a small hole.
“Zach, jump over the hole.” Zach doesn't need to be told twice. Zach and I jump like we never jumped in our life over the hole, but suddenly were sucked into the hole by a person or a thing that tackled us in the portal in the first place. Then darkness, and I'm in my home away from home again.
Regaining consciousness I see the stranger and grab the sword attached to my belt. I tried to stab the stranger, but the stranger easily moves out of the way and before you can say I got you. The stranger had me in a super tight rope knot, and I could not get myself untied. The stranger paced around me looking at me. Then the thing finally spoke.
“What? No, thank you.” Not believing what I was hearing, I practically scream.
“What? Why thank you?”
In reply the stranger replied coldly, “because I saved you.” Then the stranger took of the helmet and I saw…
A girl with ice hair, her ice cold nails, and blue lips she had a blue dress and was making the air thin. Was it possibly? The water vapor in the air condenses into fog which looked like smoke coming from the ice making it hard to see her.
“Uuuummmmmm you kind of got some ice in you hair.” She looks at me coldly.
“Yay I know.” Then the air gets colder, and she smirks her cold lips at me.
“You chilly?” Too cold to respond, I nod yes.
“Well that's good. Have fun being cold.” Mad to the brim, I curse at her. In reply she throws ice at me nearly missing my head. Then the air got nice and normal again. Suddenly I hear a booming voice.
“Enough” and a bolt of lightning strikes right next to me. The air goes crazy, smoke everywhere, and the dust kicking up and then, yellow so much yellow it hurt my eyes blinded me then a man took a step out of the lightning!!!! What was going on!!!!!!!!!!! Where was Zach? Where are we? Would we get home? All these thoughts flooded my mind, and I blacked out into my home away from home.
Blackness is a wonderful place it gives you time to think and most times sleep but not today instead in the black there are figures walking destroying everything in sight “bam bam” smoke everywhere. Then the sound I dread the scratching the calling, but inside there, is also the sound of cheering, and red lava rising in a hot room. Through that cheering the blood on the walls spelling wake up. Then bam I wake up. The first thing that hits me is the cold and light, then the blood and pain. I open my mouth to scream as something hard and sharp hits me in the leg and then a voice.
“Get up” a cold voice yells at me.
“Stop be kind to our guest” yells a powerful and strong voice
“CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON?” I scream
“Well that is easy you are the chosen one and we need you to save the world” The yellow one says, “by the way I am Alaric But I prefer Aj ohh and this is Keyara.” Alaric or AJ is in a yellow and black suit with a stormy cloudy shaped scarf and yellow hair.
“Okay where is Zach?” I ask.
“Your friend is waiting for you up there.” Keyara snorts out.
“Can I go see Zack now?” I ask
“Sure let's go now” AJ respondes.
All of a sudden there is a bright light and thunder sounds. AJ steps in and motions for me to step in with him. I gulp and step in the light and then everything goes crazy.
Chapter 4
“Everywhere giants forth gather.” a booming voice screams for all to hear his voice sounds like a speaker on its highest level. “Your king is dead, now. It is time to gather your giants and join me and my master who wields the death stone in the finally battle for the take over of the world.”
Giants everywhere screamed, “Down with the stone holders. Victory for our new master and Stv Jad.”
Stv Jad smiles a toothy and creepy smile. It makes his green deadish skin and blue clothes look even more terrifying than before scaring even the toughest zombies. Scaring everyone. Almost everyone. The one who feared nothing. The death stone welder. A dark and mysterious man, Not zombie but not necessarily human ether. The Shadow man wore black pants and shirt both long sleeved with streaks of red which was the blood of all the people or zombies who stood in his way. Hanging from his hip rested a large sword about 5 feet wide. Sharp and pointy. It could cut a tree down with one swing. And to complete the terrifying look, there was a scar starting from his left cheek to the bottom of his chin.
“After the Giants join my army we will go and kill the pathetic kid who has claimed to be the prophecy” Declared the death stone wielder.
In a confused tone Stv Jad asked “But how we know where is he”?
Angry the death stone wielder replied “ You insnificent fool you already know how”.
“I do”? Replied Stv Jad “Stav Jad not remember
Angrily the death stone wielder suddenly releases a beam of darkness hitting Stv Jad. instantly Stv Jad feels the beam starts to Drain his life force
“ Master Please Mercy Stv Jad Sorry”.
In a cold voice The Master replied“Fine I will spare your pathetic life but remember I sent someone to spy on them. someone special so remember that or i will kill you. do you understand”?
“Yes Master. Yes Stv Jad will remember Thank You.
Pleased the Master released the beam of darkness. I am coming for you prophecy or my name isn't The Nightmare King.
Chapter 5
Stretching, floating, fire, water, grass, light, dark.This is how I feel In the lightning and then it all stops and I am in a new beautiful place with golden temples red sky’s men, women, and children playing in the sun, and the parents-
Chapter 5Stretching, floating, fire, water, grass, light, dark.This is how I feel In the lightning and then it all stops and I am in a new beautiful place with golden temples red sky’s men, women, and children playing in the sun, and the parents working to pay for bills. But in the happiness there was also fear and morning.
“Jaiden” yells someone behind me . I turn around and see Zach running over to me
“Zach” I start sprinting to Zach and hug him. "Hey, c'mere!" AJ yells. "Come and look at this!"
Zach and I head over through the tall grass towards AJ. "What is it?" I ask.
AJ parts the grass to show me the smallest and ugliest temple I had ever seen, if I had seen any temples before, that is. It's brown and black and in ruins. If It hadn't been for the distinct pyramid structure, I wouldn't have even been able to tell that it was a temple. "What in the world is this?" I ask.
Before AJ could answer, the ground began to rumble beneath our feet, and I nearly lost my balance. The temple was beginning to shake violently, and a moment later it disappeared into the ground, with a small hole where it once was.
"Jump in!" AJ yells, jumping in without hesitation. And I do, right into the black nothingness without a thought.
Chapter 6
“Alright this is getting ridiculous “ I scream Frustrated. Only I am the only one in his stupid place only me myself and I. Only this time I fell someone or something else very close. Like a haunting Chill, but also a light warm welcoming blast of warm air.
re write it with like spelling and grammer and what eles you think it needs also good luck
I like what your doing but I think you should go back and read it out loud and I think you will find some stuff you might want to change, The Camp stuff could be good but right now it seems rushed and missing a lot of camp experience. Never been to a camp that didn't have a line of people checking you in and telling you where you were going to sleep and no camp wants you to just wander to a cave on the first day while they are trying to process the kids, also you had a description that you need to change "bigger than a 20 foot story building" Twenty foot would at best be a two story building, Story in buildings equal floors a twenty story building has 20 levels or floors according to you at 1 foot per floor your going to need some very small tenants, maybe mice?. I do like the way you right but really you did ask? keep going, I will read it. no comments next time, I know what you meant, and the story is good.
By Jaiden Sitor
Prologue
In a land full of monsters, trolls, undead, and stone holders there is one stone. The Firestone has only been held by one person, and Kav Smith killed him. He tried to get the stone to give to is boss, but when he tried to touch, it he was killed by the healer. The healer used her healing powers but could not awaken the legendary fire stone master. The Earth stone was the second person to touch the fire stone and put it away in a magical safe. There are only two ways to open it: one is if all the good element stones (Water, life/Heal, Wind, Ice,Stone/Rock, Nature/Earth, and Space) are put in the slot, or second if the legendary stone holder was chosen and able to get the stone and save the dimension from certain death.
Chapter One
“Jaiden, let's go! We're going to be late,” mom yelled from the car.
I stumbled out of bed. What time was it? I thought to myself still waking up. ”What time is it? Oh my gosh! It is 7:00. Camp starts in three hours!!!” I yelled.
I ran downstairs, grabbed my bag, and sprinted my way to the car like I was being chased by my dog. Speaking of my dog, Goldie comes running down and tackles me.
“Get off of me girl,” I say. “We’re going to be late if you don't.” Goldie has been my dog since it was a puppy. The Golden Retriever was a bundle of joy.
I got outside, jumped in the car with Goldie, and we’re off to camp.
“Mmm...what is that amazing smell? Mom Om, did you make honey buns?” I asked. Mom’s honey buns were amazing, and you could and would always smell mom's delicious breakfast.
“As a matter of fact I did,” my mom said. She loved to cook and was amazing at it.
“Yes!” my best friend Zach screamed. He was a great friend like a brother; plus, he also loved her cooking.
We drove for awhile, and eventually we arrived at camp. We got out of the car, and Goldie ran out to a bush. There she took care of her business. Holding on to her leash, we walked into camp and went to our cabins.
When we got in our cabins, we picked our beds.
“I call top,” I say rushing for it.
“No, fair. I wanted the top, and you always get the top,” complained Zach.
“Sorry man. I was faster,” I almost boast.
“All right, fine,” Zach admits.
Looking around I see twelve beds and half are full. We look around and find the bathroom, game room, video game/showing room, cafeteria, and outside.
“Hey, Zach, do you want to go explore outside? Goldie would probably like to go out,” I ask.
“I don't see why not,” he replies. The three of us go outside and explore. We see birds, cats, and dogs. Every time we saw an animal, I had to hold on to the leash like I was holding on to it to save my life so Goldie wouldn't go running around like a crazy animal. We saw a cave, and we decided to go in. We adventour into an ice cold cave, icicles everywhere, and then out of nowhere I felt a chill. Then I heard a scratchy voice.
“Come to me. Come to us,” I heard the sound almost sounded like pleading. I felt crazy.
“Ahh Z-Zach did you hear sss-something?” I stammered.
“No, what did it say?” he said giving me a puzzled look.
“I-it s-said, ‘Come to me, come to us.’”
“Are you feeling alright?” asked Zach with a concerned look on his face.
Then I saw a bright light shining in the cave we were in, and I saw a glowing thing of light.
“Now that II-I s-see,”Zach stammered. “What is this?” I asked in awe.
“I don't know,” he answered.
We looked at the beautiful blue portal. The cold air became warm air. I put my hand through the blue portal, and it tickled my skin. Suddenly I am pushed with Zach and Goldie into the deep blue portal. I feel weird swirling over and over in the blue light. Then I black out in what I call home away from home.
Chapter 2
When I regain consciousness, I see blue water. I'm on a white hot sandy beach. The heat is unbearable, and I jump in the crystal clear water. The water feeling, cold on my skin I get out of the water, my clothes heavy and damp.
I call, “Zach,” no answer. Desperately I call again. “Zach, Goldie where are you?” screaming until I couldn't breathe.
“HELP!!!” I hear spinning around I see Zach running from a huge beast. The beast was huge— bigger than a 20 foot story building. The giant beast carried a large sharp axe. He swung at a tree. One strike it fell. Zach was in trouble and I needed to save him!
Looking around I look for some sort of weapon, and I see a small iron sword next to an unfortunate soul who probably died by the beast.
“The beast is coming in fast, and I still don't know what to do,” I say.
Then a life saving light bulb appeared. I knew what to do.
“Hey, giant over here!” I screamed while climbing a huge tree. My plan was stupid, but it was my best chance
The giant beast turns around, sees me, and slices the tree that I am standing on. I jump and land on the beast’s back and start hacking away. Trying desperately to get me off, I climb up stabbing the sword in his back and make it to the head. With all my might I stab him in the head.
The giant falls hard I jump off into the water. I have a couple off scrapes. The giant, on the other hand, was dead. I swim back to shore feeling pride. When I get on shore, I find a sword container and attached it to my jeans. Zach comes running to me out of breath.
He says, “Jaiden, you saved me thank you.”
“No problem,” I say and we high five. Then we hear a sound and the bushes open. Goldie comes running out and jumps on me licking me. We were all safe and together, but we had one problem: how do we get home? The air reeked, the flies all over the giant. I could not bear the smell.
“So you just killed a giant,” breathlessly zach said.
“Yep,” I say.
“Okay, now what?”
I don't know I reply back. Then the ground started to shake shaking me left and right....
“Wwww-what's hhh-hhh-happening?” I yelled to Zach.
“Yyy-yy--you ttt-t-think I know?” he yelled back. Then we saw the cause of the shaking. 500 more giants some with clubs, others with crossbows, some with cannon,s and most with swords were charging at full speed towards us.
Chapter 3
Now, if you saw an army of giants, what would you do? Run for the hills and became a farmer? Yay, that's how I felt, especially since they want revenge.
“Uuhh, Jaiden?”
“Yay, Zach?”
“I think we should run,” stammered Zach.
“Yay, we should even Goldie looks terrified then for a moment we were all still then crazy, running for my life there are 50 giants with a knife and more weapons. We need to hide, but when I look around, I see a small hole.
“Zach, jump over the hole.” Zach doesn't need to be told twice. Zach and I jump like we never jumped in our life over the hole, but suddenly were sucked into the hole by a person or a thing that tackled us in the portal in the first place. Then darkness, and I'm in my home away from home again.
Regaining consciousness I see the stranger and grab the sword attached to my belt. I tried to stab the stranger, but the stranger easily moves out of the way and before you can say I got you. The stranger had me in a super tight rope knot, and I could not get myself untied. The stranger paced around me looking at me. Then the thing finally spoke.
“What? No, thank you.” Not believing what I was hearing, I practically scream.
“What? Why thank you?”
In reply the stranger replied coldly, “because I saved you.” Then the stranger took of the helmet and I saw…
A girl with ice hair, her ice cold nails, and blue lips she had a blue dress and was making the air thin. Was it possibly? The water vapor in the air condenses into fog which looked like smoke coming from the ice making it hard to see her.
“Uuuummmmmm you kind of got some ice in you hair.” She looks at me coldly.
“Yay I know.” Then the air gets colder, and she smirks her cold lips at me.
“You chilly?” Too cold to respond, I nod yes.
“Well that's good. Have fun being cold.” Mad to the brim, I curse at her. In reply she throws ice at me nearly missing my head. Then the air got nice and normal again. Suddenly I hear a booming voice.
“Enough” and a bolt of lightning strikes right next to me. The air goes crazy, smoke everywhere, and the dust kicking up and then, yellow so much yellow it hurt my eyes blinded me then a man took a step out of the lightning!!!! What was going on!!!!!!!!!!! Where was Zach? Where are we? Would we get home? All these thoughts flooded my mind, and I blacked out into my home away from home.
Blackness is a wonderful place it gives you time to think and most times sleep but not today instead in the black there are figures walking destroying everything in sight “bam bam” smoke everywhere. Then the sound I dread the scratching the calling, but inside there, is also the sound of cheering, and red lava rising in a hot room. Through that cheering the blood on the walls spelling wake up. Then bam I wake up. The first thing that hits me is the cold and light, then the blood and pain. I open my mouth to scream as something hard and sharp hits me in the leg and then a voice.
“Get up” a cold voice yells at me.
“Stop be kind to our guest” yells a powerful and strong voice
“CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON?” I scream
“Well that is easy you are the chosen one and we need you to save the world” The yellow one says, “by the way I am Alaric But I prefer Aj ohh and this is Keyara.” Alaric or AJ is in a yellow and black suit with a stormy cloudy shaped scarf and yellow hair.
“Okay where is Zach?” I ask.
“Your friend is waiting for you up there.” Keyara snorts out.
“Can I go see Zack now?” I ask
“Sure let's go now” AJ respondes.
All of a sudden there is a bright light and thunder sounds. AJ steps in and motions for me to step in with him. I gulp and step in the light and then everything goes crazy.
Chapter 4
“Giants everywhere gather forth.” a booming voice screams for all to hear his voice sounds like a chalkboard. “Your king is dead, now is the time to gather your giants and join me Stv jad, and my master Steven Parker in the finally battle for the world.” Giants everywhere screamed, “down with the stone holders victory for Steven Parker and Stv Jad.” Stv Jad smiles a terrifying smile it makes his green deadish skin and blue clothes look even more scary than before.
Chapter 5
Stretching, floating, fire, water, grass, light, dark. That is how I feel In the lightning and then it all stops and I am in a new beautiful place with golden temples red sky’s men, women, and children playing in the sun, and the parents working to pay for bills.
“Jaiden” yells someone behind me . I turn around and see Zach running over to me
“Zach” I start sprinting to Zach and hug him. After we were united AJ called me over and leads me to the smallest most ugly tempel I have ever seen the temple is in ruins and is brown and black. Then all of a sudden the temple shakes and opens a small hole in the ground and AJ jumps in and yells.
“Jump in.”
And that is exactly what I do I jump into the nothingness.