Navigating Indieworld Discussing All Things Indie discussion

I wrote a book, got ready to publish, and in cover creation, quickly typed the back cover blurb. I didn't know any better. Now I am on version ...something of that blurb. Would anyone like to give me input on it? Here is the current blurb, as of 3/10/2019 at about 8 in the morning.
**************************************
Rosalee, a young mixed race girl survives one day at a time in the hood as it goes from bad to worse. Hookers, drugs, and gangs are not her problem if they leave her alone. If not? They get smacked down HARD. This Rose has thorns.
But when the young and defenseless are eaten, zombied, sold and abused by the unnatural, Rose is the only hope they have.
Vampires and ghouls and magic, oh my. Can she save them? Can she save herself?
It aint Oz in the hood, but her back is against the wall. Rose isn’t a wizard, but maybe a Druid will do, if that’s what she is. She has no idea; her abilities didn’t come with any more explanations or labels than the bad guys.
Foul mouthed at times, destroyed and reborn, if she can figure enough of it out she might live another day.
************************************************
The book shows Rosalee as she goes from complacent survivor to involved, powerful driving force. This is the first of at least three book in this series if it takes off. If people read it, they get into it; but my current blurb is not encouraging a deeper look. My reviews on Amazon are all three 5 star. My marketing is infantile. Every day I discover something else I should be doing. I appreciate any input here, if you gotta be vicious, go for it, my ego needs toughening and I am alone here at the moment so nobody will see me cry. LOL. I hope.
Thanks in advance!

DC Alexander

I don't think it's that bad, but it could use a bit of editing. I've pared it down to this. Bear in mind that I'm making guesses about the content. I may not have captured your story properly:

Rosalee's hood is on a downward spiral. She can deal with the hookers, drug dealers, and gangs. They've learned to leave her alone if they don't want to get smacked down hard. She's a rose with thorns.

But now something very different is afoot. Her young, defenseless neighbors are bought and sold, abused, eaten, even transformed into nightmare creatures, and Rose is their only hope. Caught in a whirlwind of incomprehensible events, suddenly armed with strange powers she doesn't understand, can she save herself much less the victims?

Hello
I agree with Dale that your blurb is too long, and I like the way he whittled it down.
My only suggestion woulb be to bring back a few words that signal the genre - vampires, ghouls, magic, so the reader will know if they're in the right realm.

Totally agree.

I agree with the above comments. The synopsis needs simplicity and fluidity. A lot of your phrases are convoluted and don't make much sense. Just focus on being straightforward!

Rosalee, a young mixed race girl survives one day at a time in the hood as it goes from bad to worse.

Is her being of mixed race important and pivotal to the story? If so, is there another way you could weave that element of who she is into the blurb? Maybe allude to her parentage?


Hookers, drugs, and gangs are not her problem if they leave her alone. If not? They get smacked down HARD. This Rose has thorns.

What does it mean they 'get smacked down'? From the later bits of the blurb it seems to be because of special powers that she has, but you don't mention that here, so instead it just seems like this girl is abnormally versed in fighting. Weave the magic into the story here, it'll ease the transition into the later parts of the blurb.

But when the young and defenseless are eaten, zombied, sold and abused by the unnatural, Rose is the only hope they have.
Vampires and ghouls and magic, oh my. Can she save them? Can she save herself?

This again makes no sense. At this point you really haven't mentioned Rose's special abilities specifically so I'm left wondering why is she their only hope? What makes her special? Not to mention the fact that I have no idea what's happening to the young and defenseless. Suddenly there's vampires, ghouls, and magic but was this a normal part of what was happening before? Is something new happening? Were they not there before? Again, it's not clear and it only causes confusion.

It aint Oz in the hood, but her back is against the wall. Rose isn’t a wizard, but maybe a Druid will do, if that’s what she is. She has no idea; her abilities didn’t come with any more explanations or labels than the bad guys.

What. I'm so confused, I get what you're saying - that Rose had abilities she doesn't understand, but... this section is just so jumbled. Her back is against the wall? I thought the bad guys got smacked down hard so why is her back against the wall? She's the only hope for these people because of magical abilities (I'm guessing) so why should her abilities now just "will do"?

Foul mouthed at times, destroyed and reborn, if she can figure enough of it out she might live another day.

Again, be straightforward. Destroyed and reborn? Huh? Is she a zombie or a vampire or...? The 'foul mouthed' seems awkward in the midst of all this talk about her abilities, more a way for you to flag that there's language than saying anything about Rose.

Again: the core of the blurb seems like it is a solid contemporary fantasy novel, but there's just so much extra wording and use of colloquial phrases that it just gets lost. Streamline, don't loose the tone but cut out words and just simplify sentence structure.