You know, there's a time when you feel so utterly helpless and hopeless that all you wanted to do was just crawl back into your mother's womb, where you would be untouched by the brutality and cruelty of the world. The place where you would be able to hold on to your innocence, the only thing keeping you sane. Where you would have no knowledge of how horrible the real world was and the evil things it was capable of. That's how I felt about death. It would be exactly like that. I would be painless. I wouldn't be capable of thought. Or feeling. I'd be nothing. I'd feel nothing. That was what death was. And I would welcome it.
It's surprising, even to me, how easy it was to just slip that noose around my neck. How easy it was for me to jump off that chair and let death envelope me and comfort me. Death had been beckoning to me. Whispering. Telling me to do it. Its voice was irresistible that particular day. Louder than ever. So I thought to myself: Where was the harm? I no longer wished to be upon the surface of this Earth, anyway. The pain had become unbearable. The pain made me desire something as sweet as death. I tied that noose. Hung it. Pulled my head through it. No second thoughts. Not a sliver of hesitation.
Why had I tried to delay this moment for so long? I wanted it, didn't I? I wanted to die. I thought about it for such a long time. Went through all the possible ways I could have done it. Asphyxiation. Those pills in the bathroom medicine cabinet. The bridge in the woods near my house. Drowning in the bathtub. Yet I never tried to do it until now. Maybe it I didn't throw those pills away. Maybe if I hadn't walked off that bridge. Maybe if I hadn't pulled myself up to the surface of the water in time. Maybe if I hadn't done all of that, I could have spared myself the pain I felt. The image of that pocketknife slashing continuously away at my pale, bare arms could be purged from my tortured mind. The terribly sweet pain that followed vanished forever. The memories of being locked in the bathroom, clawing my fingers down my throat just so I could be skinny like all the pretty girls. Then I, succumbing to pure nothingness.
Ｐａｒｔ Ｏｎｅ