it's personal discussion
# RANT 001
Life is never fair.
I had been a star but now, I am the fallen one. I used to be the top, but a filthy girl took my place by cheating and now, it seems like I could never rise again. I feel so useless. Stupid. I had worked so hard, yet I couldn't get better. Why? I'm so stressed out and exams are coming soon and I'm afraid that I'll lose again and again. Nothing would ever work for me, I know that in my heart. I'm hopeless. I'll never shine again.
My friends, those whom I call my besties, abandoned me this holiday. They started a group and excluded me from it, planning things behind my back, grouping together and leaving me alone without any support. Am I really that worthless? Do I mean so little to them? They vowed to stay but now, what happened? They pretended that everything is the same but I know that it isn't. They have left my heart, though they still act like we haven't even separated. My heart is truly broken and nothing can ever heal the scars. Abandonment is already ubiquitous in my life. No one has ever stayed anyway.
I feel like even my parents don't care anymore. They are so absorbed in this game when they don't even remember everything I've said. I know it's ridiculous since I wanted them to nag less but the feeling of abandonment really doesn't wok as well... They should probably at least care more and nag less...
My little brother is being his annoying self, irritating me and making me explode... What's worse is that my parents said that he had learnt everything from me and it's all my fault that he's now an irksome jerk... They punished me for scolding him, they punished me for snapping at him, they punish me for everything I had done to their precious gem when most of the times it'sall his fault. Why?! They said that they would be fair and the result? Fine, they might be adults now but I'll soon come of age and by then, I'll be alone and away from this miserable house.
Reading and writing always cheers me up. Throughout the day, I have been writing non stop and I felt amazing. It was totally ethereal and my heart soared at the notion of spending the whole day in a sea of words. There, I could be totally alone, only accompanied by words who won't judge, won't mock and would only carve intricate scenes with their beauty and power.
I love the magic of words. They fuel me, they aid me, they are my life. I so want to hide myself in books and never get out again but that's how life is. No one could be satisfied completely and no one could suffer every day. I hope happiness would follow me everywhere I go but no, life doesn't work like this either.
She just sat there. A regal, refined air radiating from her, making her literally shine. The gloomy room was filled with the desperate scratches of pens on papers, yet one could feel the hope from her. Her eyes, those kind wrinkled eyes that could make anyone smile.
She was small, petite, even, yet at that moment, she could fill up the entire room with her warm glow. Her slightly wavy hair, her lips curled up around the edges with a smile so discreet one could hardly detect. her deft hands spreading out the exam papers professionally, her mischievous wink that told you to not worry and just relax...
She seemed to be the angel that brought us hope. At least, to me. With her bustling around, I could feel the hope humming in the air. I could do this. And she made me believe it. To me, she was an eagle, spreading her wings majestically. Eyeing the ground, she merely smiled and prepared to soar. Her eyes were excited and filled to the brim with anticipation. Her stance confident and prepared. She was going to fly. And I am going to follow.
I'm suffocating. The rocks of expectations piled on my back is crushing me, yet they kept on increasing in number. They're heavy. Terribly heavy that I could break at any moment but I bit my lips and flicked my sweat away. Reluctantly. How could I give up? I knew what would happen - the dormant volcanoes erupting, the lava raging, the black smoke suffocating everyone. Infernos blazed, fires roared. Chaos - the only thing that would fall upon me, had I given up.
I couldn't bear the weight any longer. I am not impeccable. I too have my flaws, days I just want to kick back and recuperate, the things I want to do truly because I love it, not because I have to do them. For someone else. I want the freedom to choose. Is that really too much?
Why do everyone think I could do everything? Why do they expect me to? Why me? Why not someone else? I know I can do this, deep down, I know I have the potential, yet the strongest rubber could snap as well if stretched too hard. I am at the breaking point, but the hopeful eyes just keep on showering on my head.
Please, I need a moment. Maybe to catch my breath. Maybe to just lay the stones down for a moment. Maybe all these would remain a dream but I would always hope for a moment. Perhaps more time.
What are friends actually? Are they really people who you just spend time with, the people who entertain you?
They had promised eternal friendship. They had vowed to never let go. How stupid of me, even believing that anything could be permanent. Perennial. Those were merely flowery words of promise without actual meanings. Those were just rash words, flowing out in the moment of excitement. They had no value, no meaning. Empty of any emotions.
Why do I trust them so much when I find them betraying me again and again? I don't even know how I can still laugh with them. After all that pretense. All that isolation.
Maybe my heart is already broken. Maybe I am still holding on because they are the only people I have that would at least care for me, despite just a tiny bit. Is this even too much to want a true friend? Someone who would go with you no matter what you do, no matter who you are? Someone who would see you for your goods and not criticize and dump you for your mistakes?
Is a true friend really a fantasy? A wishful thinking that would never come true? I don't know but in my life, I have been broken for too many times. Why? Why does it have to be me? Why can't it be someone else? I am hollow, I am numb. Hearing them talking behind my back, hearing those cutting remarks that shattered my heart thoroughly, I felt strangely calm. They might never see me as a good enough friend but I will always be their friend. Even if they hurt me a thousand times.
This isn't stupidity. I admit that I am selfish. I couldn't live without them. I couldn't just walk away. No, I need them so much and I want them so desperately. Maybe I would be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe it isn't their problem at all. Maybe I'm really that unlovable. Maybe I don't deserve friends at all.
THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS
~ totally obsessed, spell-bound
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The night was cold. Thousands of stars were glinting on the dark inky sky, as if they were minuscule diamonds embroidered on silk. As rich as honey, as smooth as water.
They were so close, yet unreachable.
Reaching out, the pale moon illuminated her hands, glowing and translucent like a wraith. No one was in sight, the air was still and absent of any living being. There was only her, her alone in this vast space, in this hollow universe where every effort performed would never be acknowledged.
Nothing. Yet, she continued to search. If two people reach out far enough, they might somehow meet in the middle, but wasn't this far enough? How much more did she have to go?
Still, her hand was disappointingly empty. Despite her desperate yearning. Despite her constant ache.
Why?
The thought was ludicrously sincere as they echoed in the silent night. She demanded every branch, every twig and every star in sight. She wanted answers.
But the rush of breeze carried none. She laughed bitterly, tasting the heaviness of the silence prominently on her tongue. One hour. One year. An eternity. Until the gentle trickle of the stream brushed past her ears suddenly, as if whispering the bare truth. The truth that she had been craving for for so long.
It wasn't her. No one had ever reached out in the first place. And no one would ever reach out no matter how long she waited.
A thought surfaced today, randomly and unexpectedly. Has anyone ever had the feeling that the major story line of a book that take place in imaginary worlds are often interesting to read but ludicrous to be applied in real life?
The Hunger Games
An intense, vicious cycle, repeated yearly as 24 tributes are sent into the arena to kill each other. In this dystopian world, bloodthirsty citizens watch people kill each other emotionlessly, watch the blood splatter everywhere without even flinching. As the cheer on the dying tributes, I couldn't help but feel the shivers and taste the horror, fresh and bloody on my tongue.
Just think of it, what if the Games were applied in daily life? The society might just evaporate with 23 people dying every year, the population growing more and more scarce as the remaining citizens lived in fear. Probably not the best life one would wish for.
The Selection
35 girls enter the palace, handing themselves fully to the prince as the daughters of Illea as they compete not only for the crown, but for the prince's heart as well. As they parade around in regal dresses, attend interviews and have their lifestyle closely monitored by the public, the prince has to make a decision. The most vital choice he has to make, not only for his future, but for Illea's as well.
Selecting young woman and eliminating them if they couldn't catch your eye enough. To me, playing with people's lives are somewhat cruel. Everyone has the right to choose and the right to live their lives freely. What about the prince? Doesn't he deserve to have his own choice in who to marry?
True enough, the entire treatment and accomodation of the girls are undeniably exquisite, but is this enough to compensate for the serious violations of their rights, the Selected and the prince alike?
Matched
A perfect Matching system that ensures proper genetic inheritance and healthy offspring might be the epitome of a utopia. Yet, in the world where no one has the choice to freely choose their significant others is suffocating in my opinion. Again, the right of humans are involved in this case. Frankly, the system robs everyone of their freedom despite guaranteeing the perfect offspring for the society.
A dystopia cloaked under the mask of a utopia, the entire concept is simply disturbing if utilized in real life. Plus, the whole experience of falling in love and heartbreaks are completely evaded, perhaps making the people take everything for granted in some way or another.
Divergent
Four factions, those who do not fit are eliminated, factionless and homeless. A brutal system that shies those who are different, the entire city operates based on it for years, dividing people into different categories who scorn each other because of the difference in qualities they uphold.
In my opinion, this is a immensely corrupted system which not only lives under the fear of a rebellion or even war, but creates discrimination among the people as well. Undoubtedly, everyone has different strengths and qualities, they could even have more than one of them shining through their eyes. What makes them unworthy of getting the same treatment as others? What makes them the lowest of the low? Aren’t we all human beings?
This is exactly why the entire faction system should never be implemented in our society. We are already facing enough discriminations, unfairness and conflicts, and we definitely do not need more.
Well, these are all my thoughts and though they might seem really criticizing, I love all the books dearly and each of them have a special place in my heart. They might be unfit for reality but when do the limits of reality stop us from thinking out of the box?
LETTING GO
From the eyes of
my chemistry teacher ✧ one of my favorite teachers
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The 'delete account' button is almost too tempting. My account's so messy and some people are just constantly bugging me, their comments are just giving me hell. I wish people here would stop trying to plagiarize or even stop the nonsense you're doing. I'm so pissed off at those who use my ideas secretly and shove them in my face as if I wouldn't know a thing. Seriously, this isn't fun, at least, it doesn't feel good to have all your effort copied exactly as if they don't cost a thing.
If you want, just ask. I hate people sneaking behind my back and I hate unfriending people. What's more, those I've unfriended kept on requesting again and again, which is sooo infuriating. F*ck off, seriously, I know I can't help accepting your requests because I feel really bad about deleting those, especially those I know... A new account, a new identity, one that wouldn't be known by these people I despise so much. Yes, I know this is just escaping from my problems. Running away from them won't help, I know, but sometimes fantasies like this help. Even if the effect is short-lived.
Sometimes I feel like I don't exist at all. No. I'm just a speck of dust, so minuscule and tiny in this vast universe. When I stop speaking, no one would notice; when I stop reaching out, no one would even know. I'm merely floating in my existence, all my passion towards life going unnoticed. Is this really how life feels like?
My parents are arguing again. Like they always do. It seems like divorce would be the best for the both of them. But my dad stayed. He said it was for our sakes. He didn't want me and my brothers to be in a broken family. And him staying made him irritable. I know keeping cool in front of my outrageous mom is a seriously hard feat. And I know dad is trying his best. But it doesn't mean snapping at us for nothing feels good.
Sometimes I just want to abandon everything and let go. I refuse to let myself be broken. I refuse to be affected by everything. Everyone. Friends come and go, emotions linger and bring waves of sorrow. Nothing is permanent, really. Even my existence. Maybe I'll die sooner. Away from everything, away from all the miseries of life. Maybe peace would come sooner. Darkness and inexistence are just too tempting right now.
Why do they always need to threaten me with violence? It's absurd. Their disappointed eyes, their accusing tones, it is as if I weren't their daughter at all. It was as if I were a burden to them. One that constantly shames them and would never bring them pride.
I hate it when they look at me like I'm trash and demand me to be better every day, I'm already trying so hard, can't they even understand? Every word I say, everything I do, I have to be the best. I can't slouch, I can't be myself, I can't joke. What do they want? A proper daughter, prim and proper with airs and graces. They want me to be fake and abandon every scrap of myself. They're robbing my identity.
I'm seriously so fed up with my life, my parents, generally everything.
My friend just had to be so stupid.
Because of the coronavirus, she had to be moved to the other class, which apparently is the second best class in our form and she fkn hated it. And that wasn't enough. She had to cross out the name of the class on their timetable and act like the huge 'B' is an insult to her intelligence. God, why? Why does she have to be such an ass? Are people really becoming as egotistical as her?? I'm so pissed off that I don't even know how to react. I so want to yell at her to stop doing all this but she's still one of my few friends and I can't lose her. Not when I can't survive alone.
I have a fear of heights, I guess you could say. I just can't look down from tall buildings, especially those without railings. It's just too tempting - the drop down, the one way ticket to death. It just makes me want to embrace the long fall, just to get away from everything that sucks in life.
But I can't. I'm too afraid of death for some weird reason. I'm afraid of the pain, of the unknown. I just don't want to die. Despite how tempting it seems, I still care for life, maybe a bit. I can't just end everything so rashly. Looking down makes me want to jump. And I'm afraid of just losing everything in such a brief moment.
Turns out I'm afraid of trust as well. I just can't. I panic every time someone looks at me with those expecting eyes. I will never be as good as they think I am. I will disappoint them. It's always gonna be like that.
Knowing that people are betting on me just makes me so stressed out. I would never be able to meet anyone's eyes, I would never be able to look straight when talking to someone. It's absurd, really, but the knowledge of them putting their hopes on me is a burden too heavy for me to bear. I'm scared of those eyes, those twinkling promises, I'm scared that if I fail, I'll lose everyone I have. And I'm scared of being hurt.
This is probably going to get whiny but who cares? I don't want to let go of anyone who has made an impact on my life. I love every one of my friends with all my heart but life doesn't always work in your way, does it? The losses, the betrayal, they're making me less and less sure of myself. They're making me shut myself away to stop the hurt from leaking into me.
I can't show everything of myself. No one has ever seen the real me. No, in fact, I myself don't even know what the hell is wrong with me. I can't even cry in front of people even though I'm withering inside. I can't show them my tears, my weakness. I can't admit liking something, or even I can't admit feeling so f*cked up. People say that I'm outgoing, funny, and fun but I'm laughing humorlessly now. How can I be seen as someone that carefree when my heart is so so darkened?
I'm so confused, I'm falling into slight depression again. I don't know what to do and I can't keep on pretending to be happy and pretending to smile every day. My mask is falling apart, yet I'm afraid of showing my true self to people.
I just can't.
~ inspired by jenny, edited on 10/10/2020
face claims: characters: rp groups: likes and dislikes:
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Rose, you're actually the sweetest person ever. ♡
and i love your formatting so much. the group part? that looks awesome, with the smaller icons inside the spoilers. b e a u t i f u l.
jdjsjwjejieirjwiiwjeirirjw rose omg <3 so hyped sis😏😏
you all are too good <333 srsly, thank you thank you ily all ♡
“Well, what if our other classes, particularly Combat, Archery and Equestrian Skills, are also about control?
More than control—they’re about discipline. We’re not learning how to fight each other or ride a horse or whatever else to use those skills in the world outside Akarnae, but rather, by taking these classes, we’re growing our characters. That kind of strenuous training requires strength, patience, endurance, fortitude and a range of other traits that can only improve us as human beings. And…”
“And…?” Doc pressed.
“And,” Alex continued, “as you said earlier, sir, people with gifts have a responsibility to nurture them, but more than that, I’d like to think we have a responsibility to develop ourselves as human beings as well. That’s what these classes offer us. They provide us with the building blocks of discipline and control—both of which, in turn, help us to develop and utilise our giftings.”
“The curriculum at Akarnae may seem dated, but as we have just outlined, its traditions are timeless. It’s all a matter of perspective.”
“Alexandra, we’re all born with Shadow inside us. But, as with anything, it’s up to us to decide what we do with that Shadow. We can succumb to its power, or we can overcome it and use it. Our level of control depends upon our ability to resist the Shadow’s hold on us. It’s a choice we must all make.”
“Sometimes the Shadow can overwhelm us. The power it offers...
The temptation can be too strong to resist. If we yield to it, it’s almost impossible to return to the Light. Unless there’s someone willing to help us find our way back.”
I am sick of pretending to be fine when I am not. I so want to cry because of all this. But the tears refused to come.
I'm empty, I'm wasted. Why is the world so unfair? Long story short, my friends and I lost a competition. Yes, idiotic reason for me to break down but I'm so fed up. Why? We had worked so hard, we had totally threw our image away just for the competition. We had worked so hard when our teacher left us to fend for ourselves. Why is it that the other schools could have their private instructors and a crowd of supportive alumni when we have nothing?
The effort we put in. It was almost painful to remember. We had worked twice as hard as the others, we had researched, lost so much sleep, read, brainstormed... No one had worked as hard as us. No one. They all had their own trainers, they all had their resources. They had everything we could only hope for.
Yet all those effort ended up into nothing. I'm so fed up. The world is never fair and despite how much we worked, how much I persevered, nothing good will come. I'm just a failure.
Perhaps it's because I've hidden myself for too long. Perhaps it's because I haven't openly cried, alone or in public for almost a year. The last time I had tears on my face? The time when my mom slapped me for being useless. The time when she openly told me that I was rubbish and she regretted letting me live for so long.
The tears were still absent but the ache was evident inside me. It's eating me alive, corroding my internal organs and making me double over. It pains. So much. But I could only endure and endure and endure. Alone. Until I die.
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“Life is full of crossroads, Alex. Full of choices. There are many paths we can take. It’s up to us to decide which ones lead in the right direction.”
It is always up to us to choose. We have the choice to walk whichever path we want. Failure or success, it is all up to us. Isn't it?
But sometimes life just likes to taunt you. Likes to intervene your fate. Sometimes although you choose to persevere, life would never allow you to do so. Sometimes even though you strive to go on, life would mercilessly attack you with agonies. With boulders, with the impossibility of everything.
So why hope? What is hope actually? A mirage? No, there is no such thing as hope in my life. Every speck of light? They are mere images, meticulously honed to deceive. Yes, life is full of lies.
At least, mine is.
The entire city blazed, like it was lit from within by a silvery luminescence that seemed to flow out of a massive, spiralling building situated in the middle of the valley.
The huge architectural phenomenon in the middle of the city had to be the palace, shining with the light of a thousand suns. Or apparently just shining from the pure Myrox of which it was made. The glow was so strong that it radiated out into the rest
of the impressive city, lighting the entire valley, bouncing across the river and up the waterfalls into the forest.The palace was made out of Myrox, that they already knew, but it wasn’t just made out of Myrox. Golden vine-like designs wrapped around the silvery Meyarin metal, creating the most breathtaking sight Alex had ever seen. The magnificence was utterly indescribable. It was a palace outside the most imaginative of dreams.
“The only power greater than darkness is light. Even the smallest star can brighten the blackest of nights.”
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The flowers blossomed, each and every one of them raised their powdery cores, spraying tiny pollen grains to the air. The air was misty, thick milky fog sent drops of moisture that stuck on her skin; they were pleasantly cool. Beyond her was the endless stretch of road, the perennial colors blurring in her vision that they became a swirl of pastel, ethereal and whimsical. She reached out, her delicate hands caressing the waxy petals of the unknown flora beside her. No, all around her. She could make out its distinct shape, its intoxicating sweetness, its sinewy stem shuddering as a breeze blew past. This was paradise. This was the heaven she had been dreaming of, but it still lacked something. The place was timeless, but that was never her concern. There was not even a single soul, not even a trace of life.
The eternal path continued, the sun began to spill its honeyed glow on her back. In contrast to the cool dinghy air, the golden rays were scorching, yet she rejoiced in its heat. She felt alive, for once, not some kind of wraith wandering aimlessly, with the hopes for some movement, or even a single rustle. The pearly clouds parted, the mist dispersed, ever so slightly. But that was adequate for her.
Behind the thick shrubbery, just a few yards away, she could discern a hint of life. A silhouette, infallible and impeccable as it stood unmoving, its back towards her eager eyes. As the sun's dazzling beam shone on the shadow, it quivered, filling the air with anticipation. Her mind sang images of her, her dress flowing and embroidered meticulously with glinting diamonds. Behind her, her dark raven hair tumbled down in curls, its softness and richness reminiscent of a gurgling stream. Music, harmonious and beautiful filled her ears; the tones of different instruments filled the air, each of them so different yet they unite in a series of articulate motifs. She was truly free, especially when a warm hand enclosed hers, twirling her nonstop as they waltzed, complimenting each other's grace. Along with the gradually changing tunes, they danced - slower and slower, until the picture that epitomized perfection froze, pinning itself just in front of her retinas.
And that made her quicken her steps. Closer and closer. The sky was cerulean and cloudless now. The shadow, the mysterious image flitted, glitched and stilled. She was getting there. The prickles of thorns didn't matter. The droplets of crimson that welled as each branch penetrated her ebony skin was dismissed carelessly as her eyes could only focus on that one figure a few steps away. And he turned to face her.
And walked away.
The mist returned, covering the tracks of his fleeting image flawlessly as she clawed futilely at the thickening air. She couldn't see, again. The gaudy colors blinded her yet again, making her seemingly translucent. The replica of a ghost. Juxtaposed against the vibrant backdrop, she was so pale, so insignificant as the flowers fought for dominance. As the petals competed each other to shine. The radiance of all this. The hues.
They were too much compared to her petite stature. They outshined her.
And the girl continued her depressed trek. Down the lonely lanes.
Once a wraith, always a wraith.
the color isn't enough
i want blood
The colors splattered, tainting the snowy white canvas as they blended together, cohesively just like pieces of puzzles. The brush was cool against his skin, the perennial colors blazed as he bit his lip. One second.
And he dipped the brush deeply into the palettes of acrylic, red smearing with black, white blending with blue. The strokes were unhesitating, brave, even as they created a pattern so unique yet horribly gruesome.
The crimson trickled everywhere, carving an impression of a ghostly white figure, its ghastly mouth a never-ending abyss of darkness, sucking every soul there is into its eternal gloominess. The figure limped, lit bleakly by a lonely street lamp that emitted a soft orange glow. Soft and eerie.
He smiled. The crave was too much. His thirst for blood, his hunger for violence. As he added drops of blood red, his smile only widened further. This was it - the vibrant colors that symbolized his inner craving. The strokes became wilder, unkempt. He rejoiced in the art as he licked his lips, eager for some real blood. How much he would give just for that coppery metallic tang, that rich sweetness that filled his senses whenever he neared a wounded being. The pearly white bones jutting out of the deep cut, purpled by the deficiency of oxygen, cracks running along its unyielding structure that reminded him of the branches of trees, intricately reaching outwards.
He almost missed the dying screams of his victims, the shrieks for mercy that they would never get. He desperately yearned for the feel of their skin, glistening with sweat. Their pulse, racing and strong as if their hearts were pumping at much blood as possible before they shuddered. And stilled. The core of their life lay dead and unmoving - the token of his victory.
Tonight, his hunger was too much. His hair was disheveled, the image of a man tortured by insanity. His hallowed cheeks, his skin crumpling and taking up a greyish yellow tint. He rubbed his hands together, anticipating his next kill as he moved towards the door. He lost himself in the brief dream of blood, yet again as the biting cold stung on his cheek. He made a move to cover himself, but then laughed humorlessly a second later.
How could the cold hurt him anymore? It was his most intimate companion, in fact, it seemed to be part of him. The cold, the liquid, water... they were the very elements that run through his veins, so cleverly implanted by the scientists of Mirage. He was Pontus, the primordial deity of the sea. He was unstoppable, powerful.
That thought embedded itself in the crevices of his mind as his nimble feet swerved sharply, his hands deftly catching his prey, grinning wildly.
This was it. The thing he had been looking for all night. Blood...
because i remembered
everything...
She had tried so hard.
Her lips were dried and crackled, lining with specks of blood as she bit on them, again and again. Wringing her hands together, she sighed, a puff of air escaping her, creating mist so thick that it hung in the still Incendium air.
The sparks refused to come. The former princess, the proficient fire wielder had fallen; her powers retreated, perhaps stubbornly remaining dormant within the depths of her soul. She couldn't... couldn't light a single fire or even produce a single spark. Irony, considering that she had been the one who symbolized hope and fire. The one whom the fiery heat had yielded to, producing infernos with the phantasmagoria of colors flashing wildly - red, orange, yellow, magenta, blue, indigo, black... The flames had danced, the smoke billowing as they circled her. The figure of light, whose fire raged constantly even in the darkest nights...
But that all had dissipated, along with her own intrepid nature. The transformation was gradual; her flames dimmed slowly day by day until they finally extinguished as she gave up on herself. On life.
She screamed, rage frustration and confusion erupting together with her blood-curdling call of help. The echoes rang through the marbled hallways, bouncing off the gleaming surfaces, racing down the empty palace. There was no one, no one who believed her, no one who would come. She hung on desperately to the shattered memories, each piece of them carrying so much pain, yet she held them close to her heart.
Why...
A glint of silver caught her eye as it flashed past, fleeting and tempting. Her head was floating now, her vision blurring as she was hit again and again by the ache of her loss. Nothing seemed real; she was merely drifting through her existence aimlessly. With no anchor.
Sudden impulses seized her, urging her hand forward. Her heart thumped, her breathing hitched. How would it feel like to draw blood from her impeccable skin, how would the pain feel like? How much injury can her delicate fingers inflict, and how deep can the blade reach?
She grabbed the deadly knife, its metal hilt cool to her touch. Flipping the elegant handle over, she could make out the faint imprints of some sort of ancient rune, as if the knife had been christened and blessed by a holy monk. She laughed joylessly - that thought was pure insanity.
Slowly, the sharp blade pierced her beautiful skin, its tip making a puncture so slight that only drops of blood welled on the wound. It was crystal clear; the crimson forming a pearly orb meticulously and beautifully. Pain - stinging pain attacked her nerves but all she could felt was pleasure. Her vision cleared, everything became sharper as her blood flowed slowly in a trickling river of red. But the sensation was far too addicting. She wanted more.
The silvery end went deeper, crushing veins and arteries alike, bringing the blood flow to a gush. The agony was excruciating; her neurones screamed for mercy. Perhaps this was what he had felt as he exhaled his dying breath. Perhaps it was more. She felt truly alive, real as her blood poured and pulsed in time with her heartbeat. She could feel her palpitating heart rate, the muscles in her chest clenching and relaxing desperately as they fought to provide enough oxygen for her body's needs.
Again and again, the merciless blade connected with her skin. She neither cared nor acknowledged the pain anymore. She was finally awake. Awakened to the cruel realities as she faced the blatant truth, far more malicious and darker than before.
It was well over midnight before she panted, sagging against the plush armchairs with her head spinning. Drained and exhausted, she let the knife drop, the loss of its sharp coolness making her hollow. She felt the darkness engulfing her and she yielded, her entire being being sucked into the eternal swirl of oblivion. Was this how it feels like to die?
She didn't know, but in that moment, she knew the innocent sweet Gemini was gone.
She was a monster, loss in grief and her own mind; she was no longer the regal princess of Incendium.
I fkn hate pinterest. Why would the deactivate my account suddenly when I was hunting for graphics???!!! And they refused to let me reactivate my account and now all my work is gone. This is so amazing. :(
Okay, so I'm making it sort of a goal to record down unusually good memories so that my life isn't filled with negativities. I've decided that I have had way too much darkness in my life and perhaps this would help make a change :)
So here's my first try. Yesterday, Covid cases surged suddenly around my area and despite it being an emergency, our school refused to postpone the exams, making it unfair for those quarantined as their grades would definitely be affected by their absence. So a bunch of my classmates and me collaborated and we called the Education Department of our district, complaining and literally had a shouting match with the officer in charge who then investigated this whole thing. And they postponed our exams. So everything's good now and I'm so damn proud of my class for working together. Omg I love them so much for their willingness to stick together and their passion and I just love how well we worked together.
Back to today. We spent the entire chemistry lesson chatting with my teacher, who's really nice and friendly and motherly. And she made us all laugh so much that the lesson was really memorable. Crowding in front of the teacher's desk for an hour doing nothing except talk about literally any nonsense we can think of, that's pretty unusual especially in these tough times. I feel like an understanding had began to form between us and the whole hour was really heartwarming to be honest.
In biology, our teacher taught us about the muscoskeletal system and she dragged the entire skeleton model into the lab and let us play with it. So we twisted the skeleton's bony hands into different idiotic poses and hell, it was funny. Especially when we placed it in front of the door for the others to see; goodness, their expressions are priceless.
It's been so long since I've updated this journal. Okay, so, we're in a second lockdown because of the coronavirus and well, it has its upsides and downsides I guess. The good is that I get to plan my schedule better and maybe take a break from everything. And frankly I hadn't been that prepared for my finals a few weeks before and I was already freaking out so much so I guess this quarantine kinda helped. Idk? Maybe that's my luck :)) But I do think this quarantine has helped me visualize my goals and what I hope to achieve this year. And I have more time to revise and prepare myself for my major examination next year.
But the bad thing is, I never got to say goodbye to my teachers and my friends before the year-end holidays or whatever and I won't get to see some of my teachers next year... It's sad, overall. Like I thought I had one more day in school but the cases just surged suddenly and we were stuck at home.
Sooo my emotions were kinda mixed and confused about this... I still don't know what I feel about everything but maybe I don't have to know at all.
I'm tireddd.... no don't click the spoiler please, i'm being an idiot and i'm a mess :(
(view spoiler)
I feel like a terrible friend. My best friend's birthday is today and I should've been happy for her but all I feel is the sadness. Like I just saw her so-called 'new' gang posting so many pics of her i don't even know when they had gotten so close without me knowing and I'm just so crushed.
I don't even have the energy to do anything special now. I just wanna vanish. The four of us should've stuck together, but why did the three of them have to leave me alone and then announce to the whole world that they were officially bffs, wtf are they even thinking??!!!
I hate this, okay? Looking at fb pains me and it's a constant reminder of how useless and powerless I am just because I don't share their interest in kpop or whatever chinese film actresses and actors they're head over heels at. Just because I don't like those trashy actors or singers, they've marked me as an outsider? Just because I love reading and they don't, they dumped me?
I don't know what to say. I wished her a happy birthday, and that was all. I should forget them all and just live but they're just not gonna leave me alone. Nope, stupid idiots bragging about their bond in front of me.
Just fkn leave me alone.
love you, rose. hope you're doing okay <3
I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER
FUCK HER FUCK HER FUCK HER FUCK HER FUCK HER FUCK HER FUCK HER
I wish she could stop acting like that oh-so-worried parent, phoning my teachers and twisting everything I said to make me sound like a whiny disobedient student blaming the teachers when I absolutely did not said so. FUCK HER. Can she please stop the hell wrecking my life and ruining my image. How tf am I going to face my teachers when she has already spoken on my behalf, telling the whole wide world that I'm this ungrateful rebellious teen that refuses to listen to her 'valuable advice'.
ashjasygdlwyuedhwushkaskdhuwuehdueaahsjak this was so long ago but i'm only panicking about it now ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
i think i might fail my piano exam omfgggggggg. that fkn exam was ridiculous and since i have nothing to do, i'll actually write all this down.
the first paper
50% for melody singing
50 % for melody singing with accompaniment
the second paper
50 % for improvisation
50 % for transposition
100 % for theory
100 % for aural
100 % for written accompaniment and chord progressions
like wtf there were so few questions and one SINGLE SMALL mistake could cost me so so so much uGHHHH i-
let's just say i panicked during melody singing since that was my first exam and i uhh might have sung the first note wrong and in my head, what i can recall was that ahhhhhh i did it so terribly and it was disastrous. how am i going to get at least 60 for that singing paper aswhlihusihwusjsaksajsha
and the rest was uhh okay but if i fail ONE SINGLE PAPER i'm done. for good. NO PASSING THE FINAL GRADE :(((
i do hope the examiner goes easy on me cos yk, i apologized to him forsubjecting his ears to such a catastrophic 2 minutesand i hope my singing with accompaniment, which i calmed down enough to do considerably okay would help me raise my overall marks
i just reread this ship from a long time ago, so Maria and Victoria, they're both maids and the ship name I created for them is Mavic. They're so cute and adorable and I think this is one of those rare wholesome ships I have and I'm kinda sad this died so quickly. I just miss them so so so so much. And I decided to create a graphic for them hehe
MY TO-WATCH LIST
movies, dramas
[ ✓ ] soul
[ ✓ ] let me eat your pancreas
anime series
[ ✓ ] one piece
[ ] avatar: the last airbender
[ ] shigatsu is your lie in april
anime ( movies )
[ ] your name
[ ] maquia
[ ] a silent voice
[ ] into the forest of fireflies' light
[ ✓ ] howl's moving castle
[ ] weathering with you
tv series
[ ✓ ] grey's anatomy
[ ✓ ] winx club
[ ] teen wolf
[ ] the bachelor
- stolen from jammy da master -
1. What was your childhood nickname?
najskleihwuheudheu this is embarrassing ok so my parents would call me cherry when i was young because yk i'm the oldest sister in the fam and they love relating us kids to fruits so cherry kinda sounds similar to the chinese word for sister 'jie-jie'
also yuhh there's another one - xinxin, that's because of my chinese name. anyways no one calls be these now haha
2. What is your biggest fear in life?
mm, i'm afraid of a lot of things, but i guess my biggest fear is insects 🥴 worms? spiders? ughhh no DEF NO YOU GET ME?
some additional facts would be: i'm afraid of drowning, heights andfailing my exams, ohh also i'm afraid of trust, responsibilities, i can't meet people's eyes for some reason, i'm afraid of loneliness, isolation, betrayals... asbelwheudiehud i actually sound like a coward rn hehe :)
3. What is the most adventurous thing you have done in life?
i don't think i'm adventurous at all, and i can't think of anything rn, my memory's like a fish
4. Do you have any pets?
noooooooooooo i want birds or cats but rip i live in an apartment so NOOOOOOOOO
5. Which is your favorite season and why?
we have no seasons here AHHHHHHHHHHHHH RIP x2 but if we do have them, i guess i like fall the best <333 i love the scenery, and the chill hehe it's waayyy too hot in malaysia imo
7. Do you prefer a group study or self-study?
it depends! most of the time, i do self-study but i fucking need people to quiz me on the things i read because I. Will. Forget. Them. If. I. Don't. Say. Them. Out. Loud.
8. Name any three qualities which attract you most in any person?
loyalty, kindness, humor (depends). there, i don't fucking give a damn about background or race or whatever shit, just i like nice people, lots of smiles and those that make me feel as if i would do anything for them <333
9. Have you ever participated in any singing competition?
no, my voice sucks so no
10. What was the most beautiful moment of your life?
one of my teachers started talking about her background and some sad inspirational stuff and that changed our view of her completely and we were touched beyond words so the only thing we did together (completely unplanned) was that we clapped for 2 mins non-stop and she cried
11. Do you trust people easily?
nono never. i'm paranoid of people mostly and i don't talk about myself a lot, including my family and everything about me so it takes A LOT for me to reveal my secrets aaaaaand i don't think there's someone i completely trust, irl and online atm
12. Do you have any hidden talent nobody or only a few knows?
for my irl friends, they don't know i write for fun so ig writing is my hidden talent for them
but generally, i think i'm a fast learner, so like if i really want to get something done, i can learn that particular thing completely by myself and improvise them in a day. some examples are coding on gr, graphic editing, swimming (yes i conquered my fear of drowning and learnt to swim in a day which scared the hell out of my instructor)
13. Are you a good swimmer?
i don't consider myself as a good swimmer but i can swim and i enjoy swimming and that's all that i care
14. How much do you know about cooking?
i can cook and i know the basics but i'm not a pro
15. Have you ever met any favorite celebrity?
nooooooooooooo :(
16. Do you watch a movie more than once?
no, i just don't have the time for re-watching them hehe
17. What do you do when you lose in a game?
mm play again, or if i'm bored, ditch it and find a new one :)
18. Have you ever started a rumor?
not that i can remember
19. How many languages can you speak?
chinese, malay, english, cantonese, hokkien and i'm learning french rn. and uhh does morse code count? lolol
20. Reading or writing?
BOTH!!!!!!!!
21. What is something you've always wanted to do but have been too afraid to do?
write a book. i just can't fkn START and like i'm super unconfident about my writing so maybe i will write one in the future but not now i guess.
i'm a xin yi stan 😤
love ya sis 😘
- so i did this because i'm bored -
what’s a grammar rule you find yourself breaking or ignoring a lot?
mmm i struggle with phrasal words a lot even though it isn't a grammar rule but well
are there any languages besides english in which you think you could comfortably roleplay?
ok so chinese feels weird and every other language i know feels weird as well, maybe i'll love it if i actually try but for now NOPE
how often do you reach for a synonym dictionary when writing? how about mentally?
so i don't usually edit what i write so no, not very often. i just write whatever word i feel would work in that particular reply. i feel like the only times i use dictionaries are when i'm reaaally really stuck or when i just can't come up with a word for what i want to describe.usually when writing with maisie bcos she makes me nervous >:)
how often do you need to translate your own or the other’s writing with a dictionary or google when writing and reading replies?
umm never? i do sometimes think of replies in chinese tho but i never find the need to translate anything.
do you listen to music while your write?
is this even a question? Y E S absolutely
do you have ideal writing circumstances when you can do a lot of drafts or tackle really long ones very easily?
ayyy usually when people are spamming replies i feel motivated, like when we're mass posting the other day in tbote and everything hehe i enjoyed that so much :)
are you a morning, day, evening, or night writer?
depends!
how does tiredness affect your writing?
writing makes me awake, idk why so if i don't write at all, i feel restless and tired, oh no i sound like i'm addicted to writing.
have you ever written a serious reply intoxicated?
norrr i don't drink
how much do you proof-read as you are writing vs. proof-read at the end?
at the end! i'm trying to do this more because ik my writing is shit and if i don't proof-read, it's gonna be a disaster. but actually, i do proof-read as i write as well, i guess it depends
when you are writing a reply, how much ahead in the thread do you plan?
oop i can't plan anything, i'll forget it by the next day haha anyways, yeah, i don't really imagine and draft a reply before actually writing it, i just go for it. you know, just fkn start.
is there ever been a time when you’ve had to drop a roleplaying partner because you’ve found their writing style exhausting?
i do find some rpers rather intimidating and their writing styles are just wow no way i would be able to match that. so when that happens, i usually avoid them instead of starting to write with them and then dipping.
does writing roleplay things in public spaces make you uncomfortable?
writing in front of other people other than those i know well kinda makes me nervous but i can still do it, so i do feel the difference but i don't let that feeling overwhelm me.
what do you do after you see a person has replied? do you read it immediately, or do you wait for it to show up on the dash? do you like it, draft it immediately, etc?
basically squeal and get excited and read it and compliment them immediately because wow their replies are always amazing >>> anyways yea if i'm really excited for the rp or if i'm feeling really motivated that day, i'll reply immediately. if not, i'll procrastinate :) and norr i never draft.
how often do you need to change the icon in your reply while or after writing the reply?
i don't know what this means oop, let's just skip this
do you first get in the “zone” when writing, or do you start writing and "enter” it that way?
mmm i just need to START. you know? just start typing and the words will come
what is your biggest obstacle to writing every day, if time doesn’t count?
my parents or my siblings knowing that i rp
if you are writing a wrong reply that’s not working out, do you save what you have to be continued at another date, or do you scrap it and rewrite?
yuhh i save it and come back to it later. so if i feel like the entire thing won't work later on, i just rewrite it
does making icons give or take away energy to write? what about other graphics?
OMG GRAPHICS ARE MY ABSOLUTE FAVE !!!!!!! nope they give me energy instead of making me tired, i could do that all day
longest reply you’ve ever writen on mobile?
i don't remember!!!!
does the total amount of threads you have going on matter to you, or just how many you owe?
usually the amount of threads going on
what’s your thought process when you format? any unspoken rules you follow?
nope! i imagine my templates sometime but more often than not, they're all impromptu ideas
LOL it's been so long since i last updated my journal, i'm really fkn inconsistent. anyways, my eyes hurt jskahdhwuie;hdwe tumblr is taking too much of my time istg. and pinterest. i literally spent the whole day organizing my characters and stuff and bruhhhh that's hella tiring. anyways! ayy at least i did something lmaooo
so i updated my icons page and i'll do my collabs page soon 🥴 soooo feel free to stalk me ig, for anyone who's reading this nonsense and also for myself so that i don't forget
hey i don't want to look like im stalking you but the graphic you made for our maids is beautiful and i love them so much
