Terminalcoffee discussion
General Fuckery
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The Joke Thread
(My dad would tell me this one when I was a kid... made me laugh every time.)Knock knock
Who's there?
Adolf.
Adolf who?
....A dolf ball hit me on da head, das why I talk like dis.
Do you know how to kill a blue elephant?Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Do you know how to kill a pink elephant?
Hold it's nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Did you hear about the fly that landed on the toilet seat? He got pissed off.
tadpole wrote: "Did you hear about the fly that landed on the toilet seat? He got pissed off."HAHAHAHA!!! :) Oh, that one made me laugh out loud.
Classic kids humor: I used to use these when I taught kids in Japan:Why are all the numbers so afraid of seven?
Because seven eight (ate) nine.
Why will you never starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
I'm not proud of knowing them, but they seem unforgettable.
Derek is a lemur. Just in case you weren't sure. Cool pic. I echo Jim's welcome, sir...
What did the number '0' say to the number '8'?"Nice belt."
An Irishman walked out of a pub.
Lorna wrote: "An Irishman walked out of a pub."!!!!! :)
Haha. I was going to change it to 'Scotsman'...
Okay, this is my all time favorite 'groaner' joke... I guess along the lines of kids' jokes:Knock Knock
Who's There
Panther
Pather Who?
ready? wait for it......
Panths or no panths, I'm goin' sthwimmin'!
Hee-heeeeeee..... :P
Nah. I think it makes better sense being an Irishman.I always say that I drink like an Irish fish.
And I don't walk out of pubs.. I stumble
Lorna wrote: "Haha. I was going to change it to 'Scotsman'..."That reminds me... I watched Brigadoon last night. :)
I have one I like to tell at gatherings, the "Bears in Bars" joke, but it just doesn't work as well on paper. Drinks or tiredness (or even hyperactivity) all contribute to the execution of the joke. :) Lots of alliteration going on in it...
Same here, Heidi. The "Interrupting Cow" joke must be told out loud to work.
So a pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel sticking out of his fly.The bartender says, "Hey, why you gotta steering wheel sticking out of your fly?".
The pirate says, "Arr. She's drivin' me nuts."
Hehehe ^^A man walks into a bar..."OW!"
(Someone e-mailed this one to me.)A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
He said that his mother had.
So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."
Knock. Knock.Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just a knock-knock joke!
OK...and here's one that is not for the kiddies...
An old drunk is sitting in a bar and suddenly vomits down the entire front of his shirt. He starts crying and going on about how his wife is going to kill him. The bartender likes the guy and doesn't want him to be sad, so he pulls a ten out of his tip jar and slips it into the drunk's front shirt pocket. He tells the guy to give his wife the money and tell her that a guy sitting beside him at the bar threw up on him but gave him the ten to pay the cleaning bill.
The drunk rehearses the story all the way home. His wife sees his shirt and starts to lay into him immediately but he quickly rattles off the story and gives her the money. It looks like everything is going to be OK for a moment, until she starts scrutinizing the money.
"Uh...why are there two ten dollar bills here?"
"Oh...he shat my pants too!"
tadpole wrote: ""Oh...he shat my pants too!"":)
Poop. It always comes back to poop.
(This one was e-mailed to me, too. For some reason, I always want to tell this on in a Groucho Marx delivery.)~~~~~
Two trees are growing in the woods.
Then one day a sapling grows between them.
The first tree asks the other, "Hey, is that a son of a birch, or a son
of a beech?"
The second tree replies, "I don't know, but here comes a woodpecker, we can ask him."
So they ask the woodpecker, "Mr.Woodpecker, you're an expert on trees, is that a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
The woodpecker flies down and tastes a little sap and flies back.
He says "Gentlemen, that is neither a son of a birch nor a son of a beech, that is the finest piece of ash I've ever had my pecker in."
::cringe, giggle, cringe, giggle, cringe... giggle::
So a woman walks into a bar. She goes up to the bartender and asks for a double entendre.... so he gives it to her.
Hee! That's a clever one, Angie!
I got 2 long jokes.
First joke:
Thor, the God of Thunder, is taking part in the Orgy to end all Orgies in Asgaard. Naked bodies writhing everywhere in sexual abandon.
Thor takes a break from all the nookie and steps out to the terrace, when he sees what has to be the MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN EVER. Long red hair, huge breasts, curves that would bring a man to his knees, you name it. He races up to her, naked in his splendor, and cries out, "I am Thor..."
She interrupts him. "You're Thor? I'm so Thor I could hardly pith..."
First joke:
Thor, the God of Thunder, is taking part in the Orgy to end all Orgies in Asgaard. Naked bodies writhing everywhere in sexual abandon.
Thor takes a break from all the nookie and steps out to the terrace, when he sees what has to be the MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN EVER. Long red hair, huge breasts, curves that would bring a man to his knees, you name it. He races up to her, naked in his splendor, and cries out, "I am Thor..."
She interrupts him. "You're Thor? I'm so Thor I could hardly pith..."
Second joke:
Ms. Smith is leading her 3rd grade class in a vocabulary lesson. The word of the day is "definitely." She asks the class for volunteers; who can give Ms. Smith a sentence with the word "definitely."
Cindy raises her hand. "The sky is definitely blue."
"Not so true," says Ms. Smith. "When it's cloudy, the sky is gray. Good try, though."
Bobby raises his hand. "The grass is definitely green."
"Not so true," says Ms. Smith. "Sometimes the grass can turn brown. Good try, though."
As all this is happening, Dirty Johnny is frantically waiving his hand. Ms. Smith knows better than to let him ask a question, but she decides to anyway.
"What is it, Johnny?"
"I have a question for you?"
"Okay, what's your question?"
"Umm...when you fart, is it lumpy?"
"No! Of course not. Don't be silly!"
"Then I definitely shit my pants!"
Ms. Smith is leading her 3rd grade class in a vocabulary lesson. The word of the day is "definitely." She asks the class for volunteers; who can give Ms. Smith a sentence with the word "definitely."
Cindy raises her hand. "The sky is definitely blue."
"Not so true," says Ms. Smith. "When it's cloudy, the sky is gray. Good try, though."
Bobby raises his hand. "The grass is definitely green."
"Not so true," says Ms. Smith. "Sometimes the grass can turn brown. Good try, though."
As all this is happening, Dirty Johnny is frantically waiving his hand. Ms. Smith knows better than to let him ask a question, but she decides to anyway.
"What is it, Johnny?"
"I have a question for you?"
"Okay, what's your question?"
"Umm...when you fart, is it lumpy?"
"No! Of course not. Don't be silly!"
"Then I definitely shit my pants!"
A rope is walking down the street when he realizes that he is very thirsty. There just so happens to be a bar on the next block and he enters and orders a beer. The bartender leans over the counter and stares at him."Say...are you a rope?"
"Why yes I am!" says the rope proudly.
"Aww...i'm sorry, we don't serve ropes here, you're going to have to leave."
Confused and still thirsty, the rope heads on up the block. He spots another bar and enters. The bartender here is even less friendly, as he points a finger out at the rope and says "NO ROPES!!! Out! OUT!!!" The rope tries to argue, but the bartender hops over the bar and bounces him out of the front door before he even has a chance to be heard.
The rope is angry at this turn of events and proceeds to throw a temper tantrum on the sidewalk. He beats his head on the concrete until it is a stringy mess and then loops his head around himself and cinches it tight. He gets up and continues down the street and is still breathing heavy when he goes stomping into yet another bar.
The bartender glances up from a newspaper and says “Aren’t you a rope?”
In a belligerent voice the rope says “I’m a FRAYED KNOT!!!”
Oh, there are definitely some groaners here. :\
I think that the Terminal Coffee bylaws, specifically number 192168-11-443 Sections 4A and 17B, states that you are not allowed to groan until you contribute a joke of your own, Sher...(This is not to be confused with sections 14A and 17J, which deal with the proper use of the phrase "That's what she said...")
;)
Tadpole, if you will look at message 11 you will indeed see that I have contributed a groaner of my own. It was decidedly more of a G rating rather than PG-13, so perhaps the bylaws need to be more specific on that count. Plus, I live with the Premier Groaner Joker, so I am an expert. ;)
Person 1: Spell UP and then say it.Person 2: U. P. up.
Person 1: No, I pee down.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that again, you're in my closet now”
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that again, you're in my closet now”
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it
back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it
back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
"You just happened to catch my eye."
A dumb ass and his wife are out to dinner. He looks around and he sees two married couples seated, one couple at a table to his left, the other to his right.
The dumb ass overhears the husband at the table to his left say to his wife, "would you pass the sugar, Sugar?"
The dumb ass overhears the husband at the table to his right say to his wife, "would you pass the honey, Honey?"
The dumb ass decides he's going to say something romantic to his wife.
"Would you pass the bacon, Pig?"
The dumb ass overhears the husband at the table to his left say to his wife, "would you pass the sugar, Sugar?"
The dumb ass overhears the husband at the table to his right say to his wife, "would you pass the honey, Honey?"
The dumb ass decides he's going to say something romantic to his wife.
"Would you pass the bacon, Pig?"
Jim wrote: "A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sn..."
Tadpole! Isn't there a pun statute?
Uh...I think there might be something about that in the "Ficus Addendum," Stephen, but I don't have that one memorized yet...
So you're not ready for the Bar Exam, then?
Oh sure, I would totally nail that test...uh...you are talking about taverns and not law stuff, right?
Tadpole, why are you weeping on those stairs? And why is a questionable picture of RA on your profile?
http://www.ahajokes.com/grammar.htmlOne of my students told me this joke:
Two tourists were in Ladakh (it's in India but the people are ethnically Tibetan) and noticed a yak across the street.
"Look! Look!" said one tourist.
There was a Ladakhi man selling tea near them and he exclaims, "NO, no, that's a yak!"
Look = "luk", which means "sheep"
It's a pity some jokes just don't translate. :P
Angie to the time out corner please. Angie to the time out corner.
I saw a double rainbow in the sky today, so I release Angie from the time out corner.
Two guys were driving down the road in Southern California one day. They passed a sign that said "Entering La Jolla City Limits."The first guy says, "Hey, we're in La JOLLA." The other one says, "No, you dope, it's pronounced La HOYA."
They agreed to stop at a nearby roadside fast food place to settle the argument. They asked the person behind the counter, "How do you say the name of this place, anyway?"
The person replied, drawing out her words as she did so,"Dare eee kween."
Larry wrote: "Two guys were driving down the road in Southern California one day. They passed a sign that said "Entering La Jolla City Limits."The first guy says, "Hey, we're in La JOLLA." The other one says..."
I like that one. :)
Mine (a friend told me this one):
Q: Why'd Tigger stick his head in a toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh.
Dylan's:
Q: How do you make a kleenex dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it.
:)
Okay, your turn.