it's personal discussion

Looking at my previous journal was too painful and triggering for me. I need to start over. There is one post that I will save in here. I can't bare to lose that one. It means too much to me.

Note: Some of my posts will be deleted after awhile. When I start feeling better, I like to remove some things that might bring back some pain.

Intro
TBW

(originally posted April 10, 2021)

Just read a bunch of old posts from my warrior cats days, and I miss my old friends suddenly... So here's my thing for all of you, even know most of you have left the site and I know that you won't see it. <3 I don't know if some of you guys are still...y'know...still in the same realm as me, life as a human being. But even if you aren't, I'll still speak as though you're still breathing. It helps me cope... I'm emotional, and I don't want to think too much on the topic of death... That one I will leave last...

Dear Tana,
I always loved talking to you! We always resonated so well, and our role-plays were awesome!! ALSO I STILL SHIP JAYFROST AND BRIARDAWN AND NO ONE CAN TELL ME THAT THEY AREN'T PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER- okay i'll calm down now xD
But in any case, I miss chatting with you, role-playing with you and your amazing characters... You inspired me to make my characters more detailed! You're one of the many folks that made my writing into what it is today! I still remember all those threats of killing off Briardawn and Shimmerkit. *shivers* I still think Jayfrost would've fallen into a nasty depression! ;A; poor bab. thankfully it never happened. uwu

Dear Kaley,
Oh man... You were one of the ones that helped me mature so fast. You always knew just what to say to make me feel better, and always knew how I worked with making characters! I miss that collab with Stormheart and Skydust. An evil tom w/ perfectionism paired with a sweet she-cat who cares not of his murderous tendencies... It was awesome! I wish I could've been more helpful when your depression got you down, but I hope just listening helped at least a little bit! It always helped me! You helped me make my second most detailed character, which he still takes place as today! My second one is named Elijah. I know you would've loved him! :D

Dear Scrabblepaw,
YOU CRAZY GAL, YOU! I MISS YA! I loved the chaos we created together, and all the amazing ideas we had for Second Life! You're the one who really got me used to a beginners semi-advanced role-play, and gave me the amazing chance to expand upon one of my favorite cats, Jayscar! He has a human version!!! His name is Jay Trovos, and he's more sarcastic than he originally was. xD He's still a jerk and goes on the occasional killing spree, of course. I'm not letting him stray too far from his original self as a feline! And he's still sweet on the shy girls. ;3 He has an even worse time getting his softer feelings out in words, though. xD Thank you so much for letting me adopt Jays! While I haven't used his feline version as much as I'd like, his human version is always around and developing with every post!! OH, HE HAS MOM VIBES, TOO! I know you'd adore how much he's grown!
STAY AWESOME!

Dear Dark Wolf,
My dude, I'm ngl. I still have a small crush on you. -////- I miss talking to you so muuuuuuch!!! I wish I could see how you and your son are doing. Ryder, right? I bet he's grown to become a fine young man! Fun fact, I recently created an OC named Ryder! He's an adorable vampire w/ an unusual obsession for his s/o's blood. xD Oooh, I also have discord friend named Ryder!
I'd love to hear even more about all those animals you had on your ranch! All the kitties, cows, goats, rabbits, all of them!
My favorite tom for Birdsong is still Dark! He always treated her so well, and they would've had such precious kits together! Honestly, they were like a fairy tale romance, but with them not being perfect. One of my absolute favorite types!
Anywho, hope you're still running strong! I know your depression was really tough... I've been feeling the same way lately. Been having some rough points myself. But I'm still around! :D

Dear Kate,
I MISS YOU, HUN!!! You're another huge part in my improvement in writing! Y'know that group we did together with Frozenpaw and Birdsong (also still one of my favorite ships) in that some-what semi-advanced group we ran together? Well, I'm able to do full on paragraphs now!!! My very best has been four entire paragraphs and I'm just- AKJSDNFBALEGKNAHJNBAF!!!!!!!!!!! So thank you so muuuuch!
You are another one who really knew how to help me out through some iffy times in my life, and some of it I'm still going through today, like that insane shyness I have in already up-and-running groups. xD
I noticed you've moved onto reviewing! I wish I could do that. ;A; My summertime are basically re-writing of my interpretation of the book with each chapter. Like, on my first time, on chapter one I had written over half a page in word docx. I actually can't do a book study on my own, so I'm screwed for my incomplete English. ;-; At least I still have my mum who knows how to help with that. Of course, she has to do the typing, but thankfully she doesn't mind. But I'm still screwed. xD I would love to do a proper review one day, but we'll have to wait and see if I can actually understand what I'm supposed to be doing!

Dear Amberclaw,
Another amazing person that I miss so much!! You me and Kendra were honestly an awesome trio of mods! You guys were like, my to best friends during that time! I still adore Brambletalon and Gentleheart! Another lovely couple!!
You made such cool characters, something I wasn't really able to do back then. ;-; But thankfully I can, now! Or at least when I'm actually happy with my creation. xD I'm still doubtful on a lot of my characters, but I've been getting better! I still need to make better profile of all of my OCs from the WRIA group, even though it's dead and I have no intentions of attempting to bring it back from that. Too many great memories that I don't want to give up.
Well, I hope you're doing okay wherever you are!!

Dear Kendra,
Kennydra... I miss you so much... You were my bestest friend, and you were even able to convince me to join Discord, and I thank you sosososoooo much for that!!! How you doing up there? Is it as beautiful as our small human imaginations think it is? Is it as pure and comforting as we believe it to be? I wish I could know. I'm sure you already know, but I still haven't properly grieved... I'm sure you can already see that I'm crying right now. I'll get to it one day, I promise. It won't happen for a long, time, though.
Have you seen Holly yet? If you have, how's my sweet kitty doing? Still weird as ever? xD For such a tiny cat, she was truly amazing! She really is my guardian angel that decided to come down and live by my side. I wonder, did you feel the same with you're cat, Ash?
Ah, damn, the tears are back.
You really touched so many people, you've save so many lives. You've saved me and others from doing bad things to ourselves, and you're one of the reasons I'm still fighting through my pain. I'm 100% sure you've seen that I've nearly gone to ending my life... But then I go to Discord, talk to my friends, and remember everything you've done for me.
I just wish i could ask one thing... Why did you have to leave all of us the day I turned 18? I know you didn't mean to, but it still hurts so much... But hey, here's one positive: I get to celebrate two lives at once. <3
Thank you for coming into my life, Kela. You have no clue how much you mean to me. <3

Yours truly,
Angie

P.S.: Visit me when you think I'm ready, okay? :)

Anyone else get that feeling when they want to cry, but not because of your own problems? Because I felt that a few hours ago before watching some clips of the Lord of the Rings, and listening to some beautiful songs from Frozen 2 and such. I feel better, even. I feel like a little less weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I cried about something else for once. I'm tired of crying about what my ex did to me. What he's done to destroy my life. Bring me back down to a spiraling hell of constant fear of him just waiting outside to hurt me. Not physically, but mentally.

Extremely serious trigger warnings ahead. (s--ual ab--e) (view spoiler)[

I am a survivor of sexual abuse.

My most recent ex-boyfriend assaulted me, raped me, and molested me, and I didn't even realize this until a few months after I broke up with him. My reason for it was because I fell out of love. I only saw him as a friend three months before I actually admitted it to anyone.

I cut him out of my life completely after I realized he was f--king guilt tripping me. He was using me for my sympathy. I am a very caring person, to the point I take on the person's problems as my own, therefore ignoring my own health entirely. I put people before myself, and I'm currently working on myself from now on. I am now going to do my very best to remember my emotional limits, and what the consequences are to pushing all my feelings aside. He allowed me to toss myself to the side just so I could try my hardest to make him feel better. He psychologically manipulated me. He used me the entire time we were together, even after I broke up and we stayed friends. He'd say something bad about himself, I'd call him out on it, he'd say a few things and then immediately change the subject, but I bring the subject back before he can do so. He did this at least three times a week. I now hate how caring I am. I hate that I care about people. I hate how sympathetic I am. I hate everything about me that he manipulated and abused.

I'm...disappointed that I associated myself with him. Actually, that work is an understatement. I'm disgusted that I associated myself with him. (hide spoiler)]

And so that's the most recent addition to my story... I'll eventually babble about more of my past to let out some of my feelings that I need to remove at that very moment. I've got depression (medically classified as "severe"), anxiety, autism, and I'm very salty about some things people have said in the past. I hold on to grudges for many, many years. Like, I even hold some grudges against folks when I was 6, which was the year most of my hellish problems started. My anxiety, depression, traumas, etc...

So, uh...to anyone who bothers to read this thread on a consistently, be aware that I'm a fairly laid-back person, but I hold in my true feelings a lot, so I'll probably rant out on here.

I'm angry for literally no reason and I want to punch something to the point I hurt myself so I can focus on physical pain instead of my anger. I'm so fucking tired of my bloody mood swings. I'm not even on my period right now. It starts closer to the beginning or end of the month. It's the middle, so it ain't my girl problems. This bloody mood swing is making me more and more convinced there's something going on with my thyroid. I've always been very emotional, by my mood doesn't often shift at random so fast. Everything would've been so much easier right now if I hadn't realized I was being psychologically manipulated and sexually abused/harassed by my ex.

I'm tired of all of this b.s. When is this all going to end already? When can I be so overwhelmed with emotion that I'll be void of all emotion for however many days? I want to feel that again for a while, even though I know I hate it. I need a "how to temporarily shut off your emotions/feelings" guide. I'd love to have an on and off switch right now. I want to know how to relax. Sleep doesn't do shit. Yoga is too slow. Going outside is a no because I'm scared he will show up and hurt me further.

It's all because of my pent-up anxious energy. I don't know how to get rid of it. I want to cry, but the tears won't come out until I'm overwhelmed to the point of almost lashing out with my words. Words can't nearly have enough to move me into crying, so talking is useless.

This is so stupid... When will this torturous hell end?

Why
Wwwhhhyyyy are people so mean and vague when I ask what made them upset with me? Or just overall ignore my question and leave me hanging and pretty much ready to cry.
My first ex I'm still friends with, but he just sent a "Bruh" to me. I take that as meaning I upset or insulted him in some way, because that's what it means to me. All I did was explain why I don't like the sound of crows and ravens. They hurt my ears, which leads straight to my hyper sensitivity caused by my autism. He's...very insensitive to me sometimes. He doesn't understand how my thinking works and just kinda disregards it? It doesn't happen often, just on rare-ish occasions. Despite that, he's still one of my closest friends. He and the rest of my friends have saved me from cutting so many times, I can't bear to be without any of them.

Emotional breakdowns in heat and on period is bad
I keep in these emotions bottled for so long and one tiny thing going wrong makes everything blow up in my face.

Mini rant I need to get out into a vaguely public space so I can be heard.

One of my best friends actually believes the Covid pandemic is over.
When people are still dying daily across the world.
I have 4 Covid vaccines, live in complete solitary for my own health, and there's still a high possibility that I have Covid. And to make things worse, my immune system is shot!! I've been suffering from stress-induced hives for the last four years! My "stretch marks" are also most likely an allergic reaction!!
This is hell.
Living is hell.
My body is a prison and I want OUT.
But I still want to live. But why do I bother trying when my body clearly doesn't want to? I'm so tired of this.

And this all started from my best friend claiming the pandemic is "propaganda."