Support for Indie Authors discussion

HI all. So, my story is set in think late 1800s midwest in a frontier fort, with magic, based heavily on Norse mythology. It's a cross over between the Mist and Nightmare on Elm street for basic plot purposes.

My protag is 16, but it's not YA.

Thanks for your thoughts!

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Fort Resonbirg, a Norse stronghold in the New World, is surrounded by an impenetrable wall of mist, and the dragon that swims within it feeds on more than flesh and bone. It instills nightmares on its prey, feeding on their fear and pain, inevitably taking lives.

Balin Tremore, a commoner bound for the militia but hoping to stay by his noble love's side, never expected to amount to grand things. When the great power of Cradleweaving is awakened within him, Balin unknowingly becomes the one person with the power to pierce the wall of mist and banish the deadly beast within before it destroys them all—if he can master the new power in time. But to master the power he must sacrifice much. The question is, will it be his position, his love, or his very identity.

I tweeked it some and am leaving the original up here as well:

Sixteen-year-old Balin Tremore stands between two great Powers. One will shatter his mind; the other will destroy his soul. Only one of them can save his people.

Fort Resonbirg, a Norse stronghold in the New World, is besieged by the evil sorcerer Ursulard the Dreamspinner. The residents and refugees do not worry, because Resonbirg is an Awakened Fort, with the power to provide and protect and grow. But not all is as it seems when a wall of impenetrable mist surrounds the Fort, and within the mist hunts the dragon, Nidhogg. Nidhogg hungers for more than flesh and bone. It instills nightmares on its prey, feeding on their fear and pain, inevitably taking lives.

Balin, a commoner bound for the militia but hoping to stay by his noble love's side, never expected to amount to grand things. When the great power of Cradleweaving is awakened within him, Balin unknowingly becomes the one person with the power to pierce the wall of mist and banish the deadly beast within before it destroys them all—if he can master the new power in time. But to master the power he must sacrifice much. The question is, will it be his position, his love, or his very identity.

I like the premise and feel the blurb is the appropriate length. Depending on how important Cradleweaving is, you may want to dedicate a sentence discussing it.

The only other thing is to say "When the great power of Cradleweaving AWAKENS within him" instead of "is awakened."

I put my first response in before your update. That being said, I prefer the shorter earlier version over the tweaked version.

I was so struck by the first version that I have to agree with Phillip and say that's the one I prefer.

Sixteen? Might put off mature readers? Do you have to give his age in the blurb?

Thanks both of you!

His age isn't that important, other than he has little control over his life. It's an adult audience book (like most of stephen king's young protagonist books, for example.)

Again, thanks for your thoughts!