The eclecticist of eclectic book club discussion

QDA: A Queer Disability Anthology by Raymond Luczak is my pick for October! It is on Scribd if you have it.

"Featuring fiction, poetry, nonfiction, and comics by 48 writers from around the world, QDA: A Queer Disability Anthology proves that intersectionality isn't just a buzzword. It's a penetrating and unforgettable look into the hearts and souls of those defiant enough to explore their own vulnerabilities and demonstrate their own strengths. Here is a gathering of people with the transformative-and political-power of love that transcends gender and ability. Ignorance is the biggest barrier."

Writing my thoughts as I go along. The Introduction.

“No more inspiration porn”

On the first page of it (before the first numbered page so page i) it says “A clean-shaven man who didn’t seem to be physically disabled joined us.” Uhm … I can “look” like I’m not physically disabled despite having multiple physical disabilities. Clothing covers stuff and some stuff you can’t see without xrays and mri’s. I can (usually) walk a very limited amount so if I don’t have to walk much, am not having an extremely bad day, and am fully covered in clothing, you might not know. At least until I go to the bathroom constantly, tipping you off I got stomach issues (I also have a colostomy). You can’t always tell by looking at someone that they are physically disabled.

I believe I’m going to love this anthology, that line just bugged me. Unless that was the point of it, that just because someone seems abled doesn't mean they are.

In fact, I am loving it already. I love that it’s frank about sexuality. Disabled people are sexual beings as well thank you! It’s awful that his family didn’t want him to learn sign language, too lazy to learn it themselves for their own child. What’s best for a disabled person is not always going to be “appear as normal as possible” or “try to make us forget you’re disabled”.

Omg yes, all the things that tout diversity, like colleges, but never include disabled people. And love how it says “wheelchair users” not “wheelchair-bound”. Wheelchairs give people freedom that they wouldn’t otherwise have. But about the diversity stuff, I am sick and tired of disabled people being forgotten again and again and again.

I am sick of inspiration porn. I was born disabled. I will die disabled. People do not choose to be disabled. We do the best we can with what we got. Believe me, I try everything I can to make my body work as good as it can, I can’t perform miracles, my medical issues have no cure. I just do the best I can with what I got. I am not here to inspire. I’m here because I exist. My disabled and queer self exists. Disabled lives can be worth living. We matter and are here because we are. Like anyone else is here.

Also, disability is the only marginilization that anyone can join at anytime. I was born into it but you don’t have to be and that scares people so they want to act like if someone is disabled it’s somehow their fault even though I think they know that’s not the case. But why is disability so scary? Could it be because of how we are treated and looked at? It shouldn’t have to be so scary. I’m not saying it can’t suck, because reality, but it shouldn’t have to be scary like it is for so many. We can do (a lot) better.

It also reminds me of the fact my husband died last year and I’m only 33. With how so many people don’t want to be with a disabled person (would you really leave your partner if they became disabled? Then I’d say you don’t actually love them if that’s all it would take). I know with my physical disabilities, my autism, and my queer and transness, not many people will want anything to do with me and I imagine I might be alone for the rest of my life, and since I need some help to live, that terrifies me. I have my mom right now but … my future scares me. My biggest fear. No one should have to live with this fear.

This was just the first essay/introduction.

I should mention that some of my ramblings are just what it made me think of, not necessarily in it.

“When Love Touches Me”

That got me sobbing and touched me so personally.

“Missing what you never had: Autistic and Queer”

I felt this a lot, being autistic and queer, and not having any community one way or the other. And I also have physical medical issues as well preventing me from going into many spaces or doing anything.

“Deaf:gay”

If I never saw or heard the word diffabled or diffability ever again, it’d be too soon. I can not stand that word. Disabled is not a bad word. If he wants to call himself diffabled that’s fine, that’s his choice. I just can’t stand the word because disabled is not a bad word so diffabled feels infantilizing or patronizing.

“Love me, Love my Ostomy”

I do relate a lot to this, as I also have an ostomy.

Where he says “I am not envious of their youth, relative to mine, but of their vitality, their vigor, their life-force, their exhuberant sexuality, their physical health – all of which was taken from me, gradually, invisibly, unkowningly.” though … mine was taken from me at birth. I was born with VACteRL Association. Shit happened when I was barely an adult to top it off. Stuff just keeps getting worse. Hernia after hernia. I have hemangioma on my right leg from knee to right side of privates plus a very scarred “messed up” stomach with an ostomy. Not to mention other medical issues.

I was married. I had a wonderful husband. He died February 16th, 2021. I’m only 33 now. I seriously doubt I’ll ever find love again, and please, don’t say it’s possible. I know it is. I just very much doubt it. And to top it off I’m transgender and would like to transition at some point. I’m also bisexual but I don’t think that’s gonna help me here.

I relate to a lot of this essay. Not 100% because different situations but a lot since we both have an ostomy and are disabled. I’ve had a medical journey that started at birth. Not trying to one-up anyone, I’m just stating my truth. So the whole medical journey thing, chronic illness, being disabled, being “ugly” (not his words, mine) is very relatable to me.

I'm probably going to put this down for now. I'm not hard DNFing it, it's just not something I want to read all at once and it's kinda hard for me right now because personal reasons. I'll still finish it, just maybe not this month.

Have you picked this up again Tyler? I'm wondering which parts of it you're most enjoying - I guess some authors speak to you more than others.

No, I haven't picked it up again yet, sorry. But yea that's normally how these anthologies go, some authors speak to me more than others. I think that's generally how it goes since everyone has different experiences.

True.