Read Women discussion

This is the thread for our December discussion of Viola Davis's memoir, Finding Me, for which the audiobook (read by Davis) garnered a Grammy nomination in the Best Audio Book, Narration & Storytelling Recording category.

Viola Davis

Actress. Producer. Philanthropist and activist. Winner of 1 Academy Award (nominated 4 times), 1 Emmy Award, 2 Tony's and 5 SAG Awards. Founder (with her husband, Julius Tennon) and CEO of JuVee Productions.

If you scroll down, this Wiki page has > 100 linked references. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viola_D...

Here's an interview/profile Jazmine Hughes wrote for the NYTimes. https://www.nytimes.com/2022/04/12/ma...

Finding Me

There are no reviews I've found that aren't essentially summaries of the book. It debuted at No. 1 on the NYTimes nonfiction bestsellers list, was picked by Oprah as a book club selection, and has resonated with a great many readers since its date of publication. Having said that, there's a reason why most reviews and interviews mention that it's raw and moving. Content warnings: (view spoiler)[in the initial 7 chapters, there are many mentions of domestic violence, many uses of the n-word. In Chapter 1, the f-bomb is dropped liberally, but not after that. In Chapter 7, a cat is killed in front of Viola and her siblings, and she details sexual abuse by her brother and other men. She doesn't linger over the retelling of these events, and her focus is on resilience. If you listen to the audiobook, you might be impacted more greatly than if you read it. (hide spoiler)]

I started Finding Me last week, in part to flag any triggers in early chapters for readers who appreciate a heads-up. I strongly recommend the audiobook but I also checked the physical copy out of my library, and am really looking forward to our discussion.

Who's planning to read and participate?

I am reading this, too. Started the audiobook today, and like Carol, highly, highly recommend! Viola Davis is amazing as narrator, and I love her in HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER, which she mentions briefly in the opening chapters.
I would say this is not a book for the faint of heart. At the same time, the overall tone is positive. I did find her conversation with Will Smith at the beginning where he asked her "who she was" interesting in light of recent events with him....
Viola's relationships with her mother and sisters are amazing, and so is her voice as a writer. Also, the opening line is great. All in all, just loving it so far!

I still have a 20-week wait to get a copy through my library, ugh! Sorry I won't be able to join in the discussion for this one. It looks so good.

I just got my audiobook today, and very eager to start. Thank you for the thoughtful warnings and insight, Carol. I was also introduced to her from How to Get Away With Murder. Will dive in this weekend

Anita wrote: "I just got my audiobook today, and very eager to start. Thank you for the thoughtful warnings and insight, Carol. I was also introduced to her from How to Get Away With Murder. Will dive in this we..."

I think I'm more likely to follow than join in, but love her work, and was obsessed with 'How to get away with murder' although did make me worry about my search history!

I'm around Chapter 13, where she's dealing with trying to gain employment as an actor.

One of the things I appreciate about Finding Me is that the most difficult chapters are quite short, and I never once felt as if I'm reading misery porn. Because I know that - in the present moment - Davis is doing okay, it makes it easier to read/listen to her childhood and teen recollections, as if the known, "happy ending" innoculates me against going down too much of a dark rabbit hole. Her telling brings out all of my empathy for her and her siblings, but not grief or sadness, which is quite the storyteller's gift from where I sit.

Every time she tells a story about violence or rats or teacher cruelty or other, she wraps it in a reminder of resilience, or her closeness to her sisters, or something that's, if not inspirational, at least allows a reader to pull back from the abyss. The warmth with which she discusses her sisters is palpable.

I find it interesting that the only person in her family she truly throws under the bus is her brother, John. She tells the facts about her parents, the constant fighting, her dad's alcoholism and violence against her mom, her mom's defense of her daughters (if a little late or absent some times), but I don't feel any disdain or blame. She's got a lot more passion about the various teachers and school personnel who never asked her or her sisters how they were doing, notwithstanding the evidence of bedwetting, hunger, lack of sleep and other indicia that things weren't good at home.

What are your impressions?

I started this late last night and had the hardest time setting it aside. Her opening line, I agree, was amazing, Kate.

I haven't read enough to know about the rest of her family, but the stories she tells of her mother are precluded by a brief origin story of her mother, so I can see that she speaks from a place of empathy when talking about her mother or any occasions that may crop up later involving her mother.

Davis mentions therapy freely, which is good, and I think maybe it's indicative that she hasn't reached that place of healing in terms of her brother. This is all speculation since I've read nothing about her family or childhood trauma with her family yet, just briefly about her father's violence against her mother, her mother's childhood, and her own story of those damned boys.

I just read about her Julliard audition. I would love to have a perspective from one of those panelists. She must have been magnificent for them to assemble the teaching body on day 1 of auditions for her like that.

Anita wrote: "I started this late last night and had the hardest time setting it aside. Her opening line, I agree, was amazing, Kate.

I haven't read enough to know about the rest of her family, but the stories ..."

Her approach toward describing her mother and her mother's actions is one of the most interesting things about this book as a book. She shares anecdotes about her mama defending her kids against troublesome neighborhood children, and when she was in court for assaulting one of the same. And she frequently mentions her parents fighting (as in, it takes 2), and her dad assaulting her mom. But - I'm up to Chapter 14 I think - and I don't recall a single instance where she's called her mom out for failing or mistakes in any way. And surely she did. So i think she's pulling punches when it comes to her mom at every step. She wants to tell a story about resilience and self-acceptance, and tell her own truth, but steadfastly refuses to throw her mom or her sisters under any public buses. To be honest, I think she spares her dad, too. Yes, she discloses his physical abuse of her mom, but she always frames it as an alcohol abuse problem.

So one of the things I appreciate most about this memoir is Viola's kindness and thoughtful approach to what she discloses and why, and what she keeps out of the book.

Anita wrote: "I just read about her Julliard audition. I would love to have a perspective from one of those panelists. She must have been magnificent for them to assemble the teaching body on day 1 of auditions ..."

Can you imagine? Julliard changing its famous audition system to accommodate VD's talent? I was in awe. She doesn't pull a single punch when it comes to Julliard's program in those chapters about it.

For anyone unfamiliar with Chuck Davis, organizer of VD's life-changing trip to Ghana, he was a beloved force of nature for East Coast African Americans and lovers of African-American performing arts. I wasn't in the least surprised for him to turn up as a catalyst for good things in VD's life.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_D...
https://indyweek.com/culture/art/reme...

How is everyone doing with this book? I just started the last chapter.

Chapter 16 has a whole lot packed in. The redemption arc of her dad's story. The fact that her parents ended up with custody and raising all of John's and Danielle's kids, and at the time her dad passed, there were 14 people living in her parents' 800 sq. ft apartment. I'm just so sad for all of those kids in that next generation. So very sad.

One thread she didn't tie off and I wish she had was, how did she learn to deal with and sometimes reject her family members' requests for money? In chapter 15 or 16, she shares the stress of those asks when she began making a certain amount of income, and explains to the reader the reality that her net wasn't anywhere near what her gross might indicate. She realizes that her family members' needs are larger than what she can fill, but she also understands everyone's desperation and the asks. But - then what's the outcome she lands on in terms of her response as her income increases? She never mentions Julius taking a position on this (sending cash to family), but surely he had a point of view that influenced her, as well.

I am really curious about how someone who loves and maintains relationships with her family of origin, and who faces these sorts of understandable asks for cash to solve urgent real-world problems, says, no, or maintains boundaries, and comes to grips with the consequence of those no's. Especially when there are a dozen or so kids living with rodents and hunger and a lack of parental guidance - just as Viola was. That must be so heartbreakingly difficult. It also must be a not-unique struggle in the entertainment business and one where similarly situated folk share tips and empathy.

I'm also glad she felt comfortable weaving her faith into her memoir. Those anecdotes - for me - further distinguish this book from the usual ghost-written vibe of celeb bios.

What is standing out for everyone else?

Carol wrote: "Anita wrote: "I started this late last night and had the hardest time setting it aside. Her opening line, I agree, was amazing, Kate.

I haven't read enough to know about the rest of her family, bu..."

It's been a while since I checked in on this discussion, but I am now also around Chapter 14. I also really admire how Viola tells her story and acknowledges the difficulties she faced in childhood without blaming her parents. This gives the book an honest but hopeful tone, and I love her descriptions of how theatre gave her the tools to be resilient, and to face and get through some of her childhood drama. This is the kind of book you can spend a long time reading without feeling that any time has passed. I was expecting to like this book, but not this much!

Carol wrote: "Anita wrote: "I just read about her Julliard audition. I would love to have a perspective from one of those panelists. She must have been magnificent for them to assemble the teaching body on day 1..."

I loved her talking about her trip to the Gambia and what it meant in terms of her self-identity.

Sounds like Julliard was not for the faint of heart. My sister studied acting and attended a lot of auditions before switching careers, so I know how hard the acting life can be. What is specifically interesting about VD's experience is her experience of colourism and the additional pressure she faced due to being a dark-skinned Black female actor. But once again, this is told in a matter-of-fact, direct but not self-pitying way. I really like the general tone of this book.

Kate wrote: "Carol wrote: "Anita wrote: "I started this late last night and had the hardest time setting it aside. Her opening line, I agree, was amazing, Kate.

I haven't read enough to know about the rest of ..."

That's it! There's such a positive tone and hopefulness.

Also, photos. I didn't realize until last night that there are fab photos around Chapter 14 - 16 (I can't remember) in the tangible version. They are lovely. They also reminded me that she's objectively, inarguably beautiful!!

So i did finish this a couple nights ago. Obviously, I loved it. I knew I'd love it, but I was still enchanted by her optimism and voice (and literally with audiobook). One thing that struck me was how she is very open about her story and life, I don't feel that she hid anything or really "polished" anything, but she also didn't make anything very gritty. The balance is astounding. It felt personal, but not intimate. I really think i will borrow this one in print and read it again to enjoy the pictures.

Carol wrote: "How is everyone doing with this book? I just started the last chapter.

Chapter 16 has a whole lot packed in. The redemption arc of her dad's story. The fact that her parents ended up with custody ..."

I was also wondering how she (or anyone) deals with those economical differences in family. She mentions loving to treat her parents by inviting them to stay with her when she's filming. I think she really values the time she can spend with her parents, and something as simple as sharing her hotel room is a way to treat them without seeming like she's spending or throwing money around. Definitely her heart is in the right place, and she's probably maintained a sense of economic frugality throughout her life.

Agree with everything you said, Anita. I like the distinction you made about being personal vs. intimate. Viola is so respectful of her family as she tells her story: To me, the book managed to be very objective and balanced, yet personal at the same time. Not sure how she did it but it really works. This is an unexpected favourite of the year for me. I’ve been recommending it whenever I can.

Kate wrote: "Agree with everything you said, Anita. I like the distinction you made about being personal vs. intimate. Viola is so respectful of her family as she tells her story: To me, the book managed to be ..."

Me, too, Kate. I don't know what I expected, but I loved this - for all the reasons you mention.

If anyone has recently started the book, let us know your impressions. The discussion's not over!

I just finished this book last night. I stayed up late to finish it because I couldn't put it down. Her journey was incredibly emotional. Honestly, I felt a kinship with her right away due to the early childhood bullying. She went on to talk about the horrific conditions of her childhood home life. I was amazed by her capacity of forgiveness. I'm not sure what all to say about the book. I think I'm still processing it all. I didn't realize the audiobook had been nominated for a Grammy - that would have made her an EGOT winner. She's so cool.

Misty wrote: "I just finished this book last night. I stayed up late to finish it because I couldn't put it down. Her journey was incredibly emotional. Honestly, I felt a kinship with her right away due to the e..."

Your comment totally resonates with me, Misty. Her capacity for forgiveness — this.

After sitting with this in my head for ten days or so, (1) I find myself still thinking about John’s and Danielle’s combined 8 kids and wondering how they are doing now, and afraid for the answer; and (2) so taken with VD’s understanding and shaping of her story. There’s so much peace to be had depending on how we shape and perceive our stories and our role in our lives. I aspire to her healthy boundaries combined with the joy she’s let herself have.

Carol wrote: "Misty wrote: "I just finished this book last night. I stayed up late to finish it because I couldn't put it down. Her journey was incredibly emotional. Honestly, I felt a kinship with her right awa..."

I absolutely agree. Almost at a loss for words with how uplifting to me her positivity and resilience is. I loved this book. I couldn't put into words how her trip to Gambia resonated with me, so I didn't comment on it. But, I could almost soak up through her voice the happiness and internal goodness that trip did for her. It was wonderful to hear her talk about it on audio.

Anita wrote: "Carol wrote: "Misty wrote: "I just finished this book last night. I stayed up late to finish it because I couldn't put it down. Her journey was incredibly emotional. Honestly, I felt a kinship with..."

Did I remember it incorrectly as Ghana? It was Gambia?

Yes, it was Gambia. I'm referring to her trip while she was at Julliard. She may have visited Ghana at some other time?

Viola Davis has been for a long time one of my most favourite actresses. She has made black woman who are dark skinned visible and has shown how you can play any role if you are skilled and accomplished. I absolutely loved her in How to get away with murder as again she played the role brilliantly and for many it went against the grain to see a dark skinned black woman in this role. Her biography is epic and I devoured every page. She went through so much trauma and disadvantage in a severely dysfunctional family. As I read the book I kept thinking how did you survive all that to become the star that she is? Brilliant book. I gave it five stars. Check out her interview with Oprah Winfrey on Netflix talking about the book. I couldn’t help but cry it’s humbling.

Jennifer wrote: "Check out her interview with Oprah Winfrey on Netflix talking about the book. I couldn’t help but cry it’s humbling."

Thanks! I will definitely do that.

Looking forward to that interview too, thank you for sharing!

Anita wrote: "Yes, it was Gambia. I'm referring to her trip while she was at Julliard. She may have visited Ghana at some other time?"

Perhaps, but I just recalled it incorrectly and am glad for the correction.

I've never heard of Viola Davis or seen her in movies. I don't watch a lot of movies or television. I'm looking forward to watching her in the movies discussed in the books. She's an inspiration. I appreciated her honesty and sharing her experiences of domestic violence, trauma, poverty, and how her family grew and healed. The narrative I've heard most is of excluding and isolating oneself from those individuals.

Let's give it up for Viola Davis - now an EGOT after receiving the Grammy last night for "Best audio book, narration, and storytelling recording" for her recording of Finding Me.

In her acceptance speech, she said, " “I wrote this book to honor the 6-year-old Viola,” she said. “To honor her life, her joy, her trauma, everything. And, it has just been such a journey – I just EGOT!”

https://www.cnn.com/2023/02/05/entert...

Carol wrote: "Let's give it up for Viola Davis - now an EGOT after receiving the Grammy last night for "Best audio book, narration, and storytelling recording" for her recording of Finding Me.

In her acceptance..."

Heart heart loving this. Amazing. She earned it and deserves it!

Anita wrote: "Carol wrote: "Let's give it up for Viola Davis - now an EGOT after receiving the Grammy last night for "Best audio book, narration, and storytelling recording" for her recording of Finding Me.

In ..."

I was so happy for her.

She deserves it! She is really amazing.