Beta Reader Group discussion

Hey everyone! I'm attempting to trad publish and am running up on 33ish rejections now! Not a single partial or full, mostly form rejections, some personalized which were somewhat helpful, but a lot of the forms do have the same theme of not connecting with the story. I want to put my query package here and have some (kind, constructive) criticism on what could be wrong with my query. I assume it may have something to do with how I'm pitching the story or my synopsis. I'm just gonna include my pitch and then an example query letter I've sent which has my summary, target audience, and comps.

Dear [blank],

When a teen girl gets adopted, she thinks it may be her chance to have a proper home, a family—then she gets taken away to another galaxy.

I hope you’re doing well! [Bio]. ALONE is a voicey, character-driven 99,000-word YA fantasy, and a workable standalone with series potential.

As far as Neralia knows, she belongs at the children’s home. She was only a year old when she was found on the doorstep, and strange dreams have plagued her for as long as she can recall. On her thirteenth birthday, the Duke and Duchess of her town adopt Neralia and uproot her life. When the duke’s illness takes a turn for the worse, a glimpse at Duchess Marina’s oddly written diary reveals Neralia might be next, and she flees.

Now on the run, Neralia stumbles upon three strangers who steal her away to another galaxy where they claim she once lived. The Nepsilon Achloris comprises multiple planets, each created by different pairs of species known as the First Pairs. Neralia develops her skills as a Seer, able to better understand her visions, and with time discovers a truth about the duchess. She is half-human, half-elf, and the leader of the clan responsible for the downfall of the First Pair Faes.

Neralia’s caretakers send her to an island summer camp, an opportunity to relax, but a troubling vision makes Neralia think the duchess is not too far behind her. She joins her friends on a trip to the island's north side in search of answers, only to fall into the hands of the duchess. She reveals her desire to build a new world, threatening the life Neralia was just beginning to accept. With the help of her friends, Neralia manages to escape, but not without a cost.


ALONE can be described as if KEEPERS OF THE LOST CITIES took place in the world of WINX CLUB, with the same found family and close friendship themes seen in THE VERY SECRET SOCIETY OF IRREGULAR WITCHES. My target audience are readers who are beginning to leave MG and enter YA, for girls 14-16 that I feel publishing these days seems to overlook. Though the orphan trope may have been done before, this time it is through the lens of an overanxious Black protagonist, and the world I've built offers a fresh take on the genre, blending elements of contemporary and high fantasy. Ultimately, it is a story about a girl's desire to belong.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you!

It's ultimately my query package I want to work on, maybe I will post the synopsis later for analysis another time. I've only been querying for three months, I've adjusted the query package slightly between rejections, but I really want to know if this may be the problem so I don't query a lot more agents with it. Thanks for everyone's time! This journey is a tough one for sure.

I recommend that you read a few hundred query critiques from Query Shark. She addresses a lot of your issues.

1. Too long
2. Too much meandering summary, not enough plot. Plot means stakes. Stakes means character wants X, will suffer if they don't get it, but must make sacrifices/grow to do so
3. Too much talking about your work or intentions, and not enough showing your work in the query... your query is a sample and represents your novel. If you can't hook, characterize, dramatize, and demonstrate stakes in a few hundred words, they will pass
4. Not enough setup of the character in terms of who they are. You can tell because at the end you have to explain they are black and over anxious
5. too much backstory that is unnecessary to the main conflict

Personally, I think it's odd how people cite tropes and say "voicey"... these are like reading ingredients on the back of a box of cereal. How many people choose a cereal that way?

Voice must come across in the query. Tropes, too. If there is an overanxious black protagonist... why doesn't that show up in your blurb as part of the character and stakes? Where is the voice in the query? Take every point you write about your aspiration for the work, and have it come out in the blurb.

As it is, the blurb shows meandering coupled with the author stepping in to explain everything.

Nia wrote: "Hey everyone! I'm attempting to trad publish and am running up on 33ish rejections now! Not a single partial or full, mostly form rejections, some personalized which were somewhat helpful, but a lo..."

Ok, I think I understand what you're saying, thank you! In terms of too long, do you mean the plot summary (kinda?) or the entire letter? I also get what you mean about the cereal, but honestly that seems to be how a lot of books are being marketed these days and some agents asked for books to be described as such so for this agent, I added it!

Well it's long in the sense that there's a lot of inert material that doesn't hook and dramatize but instead explains or summarizes.

If you focus on dramatizing the points from your "ingredients list" you can probably be shorter and more compelling.

You also won't be relying on telling someone what your book is because you will show it in your prose.

In the first line, I'd wanted to meet this black overanxious kid and understand why I should care about them, what their big struggle is, how they need to grow to achieve what they want, what sacrifices they need to make. Then I'd be hooked,

Marvin wrote: "Well it's long in the sense that there's a lot of inert material that doesn't hook and dramatize but instead explains or summarizes.

If you focus on dramatizing the points from your "ingredients ..."

Thank you so much for your help! I'm going to try to rework your feedback into a new query.

Hi, Nia,

I agree with Marvin that the query is too long. For me, it also lacks characterization and suspense. I'm also wondering why there's an introductory sentence between the logline and the body of the query. It makes the query choppy from the beginning.

A while ago, Writers Digest published guidelines for effective queries: my comments are in italics.

1. Give a short, precise description of the overall conflict (the “hook”) The hook is vague in that it doesn't explain how being taken away applies. Is it her whole new family that's taken? Or just her? and why or how?

2. Introduce your main character (and perhaps one other character, usually the antagonist or "villain"); It seems that the characterization of Neralia is broken up into several pieces. Can you give us a compelling reason to identify with her from the beginning? The fact that she's overanxious (which is now only included in the summary) would be a good place to start.

3. Tell us what she wants and what stands in her way (the main plot); This is vague. There are too many plot points for me to understand what Neralia wants, aside from escaping -- which she's already accomplished. At this point, I think there's too much emphasis on what happens to her, and not enough on Neralia herself.

4. Tell us what will happen to her if she doesn't succeed (the stakes). Make this specific. "In search of answers" and "not without a cost" don't really tell me anything.

5. A paragraph at the beginning or end that includes title, genre, word count (rounded off to the nearest thousand) Right now you've got this stuck between lines of the query, and it's not working for me.

6. Your bio. If you haven't been previously published, write something interesting about yourself instead (but not of the “I love writing” variety). Same as above. I also think you could pare down the comps paragraph without too much trouble & without losing the sense of them.

Generally speaking, try to get the query down to about 300–350 words including the bio & comps. And it might help to make shorter paragraphs, as many agents read queries from a phone or tablet during their commute. White space is your new best friend.

Hope this helps.

Gifford wrote: "Hi, Nia,

I agree with Marvin that the query is too long. For me, it also lacks characterization and suspense. I'm also wondering why there's an introductory sentence between the logline and the bo..."

Thank you for your comments! I have made some tweaks and am currently sitting at 389 words. Still a bit high, but I'm getting somewhere! Thank you again.