Support for Indie Authors discussion

I've written a space opera parody in the vein of "Galaxy Quest." In the real military, people change duty locations and ships. I answer the question of what happens when a regular guy replaces someone like Sulu at the helm of the Enterprise. Please tell me what you think:

The Astro Alliance is the pinnacle of civilization within the Milky Way. Poverty, hunger, illness, and waste are all banished to the past in part thanks to the intrepid volunteers of the military. The most cherished of protectors is Captain Loryan Kirpicsiskway of the majestic class starship the Crowntrotter. His crew routinely defeats pirate armadas, analyzes space anomalies, welcomes new civilizations into the AA, travels through time, and ends wars. It’s all in a day’s work for a ship full of elite professionals.

People never describe Joe Odoemene as elite. So, when Captain Kirpicsiskway handpicks Joe to helm the Crowntrotter the day he’s commissioned at the Academy, Joe feels trepidation more than gratitude. For good reason. No sooner than Joe assumes his undeserved position, he confirms he’s woefully unprepared. While his new crewmates end a war, relocate space orphans, and play cat and mouse with the infamous Sean Connor, Joe only bemoans constantly working double shifts and failing at simple tasks. When surrounded by living legends, what’s an average Joe supposed to do?

Sounds like a fun book, but this seems really long. I'd recommend cutting the first paragraph by 60%. And just call him Captain, we get hung up on how to pronounce it.

Keep first sentence. The crew of the Crowntrotter is an elite team, until the Captain handpicks Joe Odoemene, fresh from Academy,to helm his ship, Joe panics. Then pick up with "No sooner..." to the end.

I would read this book. :)

Robert wrote: "And just call him Captain, we get hung up on how to pronounce it."

But, it's such a clear and clever homage to Star Trek. It made me grin a bit. I'm voting you keep it, Phillip. Hang the pronunciation. It's a fun name.

Sounds like a good story coming up. I agree with Robert that the captain's name is a staller. However, readers might get accustomed to seeing it in the novel and their mind takes in Captain only.
A couple of minor things: maybe after 'banished' cut 'to the past.' Consider removing 'For good reason,' and continue with, No sooner Joe assumes his positions he confirms he is ...
Carry on with the good writing.

Thanks for the notes. I plan on writing a revision this weekend. With regards to the captain's name, I questioned whether to include it. I figure the space opera fans I wrote this for would get the relevance of the name, and those who don't like weird names can be scared off from wasting their time by the blurb. It's the only weird name. Average Joe's co-workers are Mary, Sue, Marty, Gary, and Stu. His more grounded classmates from the Academy are Mark, Harrison, Carrie, and Billy.