The Introverts of Goodreads discussion

If you have a story you are making, please feel free to share it here :)

I drafted the first chapter of the story I'm working on, and I'd love some feedback! I think the problem is that there's too much story packed in, but me know what you think:

The wind shoved a soggy leaf right into Kina’s face as if the universe itself was trying to block her path. She peeled it off with a grimace, flicking it to the ground where it joined the crunchy carpet of October reds and golds. Across the street, the Starbucks glowed like a cozy little trap. Through the windows, she could see her classmates already gathered — laughing, chatting, probably judging whoever dared walk in late.

Her stomach twisted. Her legs, traitors that they were, stayed glued to the sidewalk.

Group projects always left her frustrated—trapped with people who couldn’t care less about their grades, pretending to smile and nod while they rambled about the latest Minecraft updates or whichever celebrity was trending that week. No matter how hard she tried to steer the conversation back to the assignment, she always ended up doing the entire project herself. But that day, a nagging feeling told her that something, somewhere, was seriously wrong.

Beside her, Willie rocked back and forth on his heels, humming a tune only he could hear. He looked up at the sky, watching the leaves swirl around like they were part of some grand performance just for him.

"Kina, you’re gonna d-do great," he said suddenly, still watching a particularly wobbly leaf fall. "I mean, you got all dressed and came all the way here. That’s, like, ninety percent of it, right?"

She grimaced. "Showing up is not ninety percent. Going inside is ninety percent."

Willie frowned thoughtfully. "Oh. Right. Well, you’re already at eighty percent, then. That’s still a B. B’s are solid. People live f-f-full, happy lives with B’s."

"But you don't have to come—"

"I want to." His eyes were imploring.

She knew how much he hated speaking when people were around — knowing too well the sting of their tired, mocking line: "Did you forget what you were going to say?" It was never the stutter that weighed on him; it was their stares, their quiet rejection that made him shrink back. But right then, she felt a rush of gratitude; he was willing to take it all to support her.

"A-And I even left my ... um .." He blinked, clearly having forgotten whatever point he was about to make. His eyes drifted to a dog across the street wearing a tiny sweater. "Whoa, that dog looks like a cinnamon roll!"

Kina barked out a laugh before she could stop it. The tension in her chest cracked just a little. "Okay, you can come."

Willie beamed at her, pleased. "See? You’re already s-smiling. That’s a win. Now go do this thing so we can get snacks after. I saw they have those giant cookies in there. I think they call them 'breakfast cookies' but, like, it’s totally just a cookie."

Kina shook her head, half-laughing, half-panicking, but looking both ways down the street, her feet finally moved. One step toward the door. Then another.

Willie gave her a double thumbs-up, his eyes still following the cinnamon roll dog trotting by.

@jada OH WOW! that's actually really good! there's just some things I would recommend. first tho, I rlly like Willie. the cinnamon roll dog comment was PURE GOLD. I need more of him pls :) now the brutally kind advice:

Pacing & Stakes: It meanders a little. The scene is strong for character development, but there’s no urgency. If there’s a mystery (like the line “something, somewhere, was seriously wrong”), it’s not followed up. That line feels like a false alarm unless it’s foreshadowing something later — and if it is, it needs more weight or a stronger hook.

Conflict: The main conflict is internal (Kina not wanting to go in), which is fine — but right now, it resolves too easily. One supportive Willie pep talk and she’s in? That’s emotionally satisfying, but not dramatic. Maybe have her resist more or struggle with a memory that makes the stakes clearer.

Wordiness in Places: Some lines can be trimmed:

“Her legs, traitors that they were, stayed glued to the sidewalk.” → We already get she’s frozen; consider tightening.

“No matter how hard she tried to steer the conversation back to the assignment…” → This whole sentence could be sharper and snappier.

Tone Consistency: That one line “probably judging whoever dared walk in late” felt a little too teen drama villain. It breaks the otherwise sensitive vibe. Maybe tweak it to be more about her perception of judgment rather than assuming they’re cruel.

But that's just what I think!! it's still rlly good and I would like for you to keep on writing! I want to know more now.

That's really helpful, Daniel! I'll keep at it.