Beta Reader Group discussion

Hi Honey, here some comments:
- I assume you'll replace 'Agent' with the agent's name.
- 'a deplorable and arrogant pirate' is telling; if possible, replace this with a concrete example that will make the reader guess she's a deplorable and arrogant pirate. For example, 'who'd rather xxx [do something nasty] than sail her ship peacefully' or something.
- No idea what Cabellucos are - is this meant to remain unclear?
- 'selfish desires' is telling and can just be deleted, because what comes next shows that she starts to want unselfish things.
- 'return the lives' - should this be 'return to the lives'?
Should add why you're writing to that particular agent. Does she represent an author you admire, for example? A personalized query letter is always better than a generic one. The fact that she represents fantasy is not personalization, it's a given.
Thanks for sharing and good luck!
regards, A.M.

Hi, Honey,

I can see a very interesting story here, but I had a bit of trouble following the plot. In some cases, there seems to be too much info, where in others there’s not enough. I’ll break it down so you can see where my confusion lies—my comments are in italics.

Century-old magindara, Dagat—a guardian of the sea— (Assuming magindara means guardian of the sea, I think it’s redundant. If it means something else, you’d need to explain it. The easiest course, either way, might be to eliminate it.)

begrudgingly seeks out the company of human children, the last to remain on her island. (The last children? The last humans? The last anything except for herself? Why “begrudgingly”? And where have all the others gone?)

But when two of the children are (violently killed murdered), she flees the islands out of guilt and horror, (This almost sounds like she’s the one who killed them, or else why feel guilty?)

suddenly unsure of her purpose and determined to forget the islands altogether. (what purpose is that? And you’ve gone from “island” to “islands” & I don’t understand why.)

Captain Quinn Woodsy, a deplorable and arrogant pirate: the second most wanted of the Nine Seas by the Cabellucos and longing for an end to her running. (I don’t know what Cabellusos are. “Nine Seas” is very expressive, but where/what is this planet? You’ve also got a structural problem here: it essentially states that Quinn is one of the Nine Seas. To rephrase, try something like this: Captain Quinn Woodsy is a deplorable and arrogant pirate (like AM, I’d prefer an example) on the Nine Seas. Wanted by the Cabellucos (bad guys? Cops? Other pirates?), Quinn longs for an end to her running.)

So, when she rescues Dagat from the Cabellucos, (how? and how did Dagat get captured? This seems to come out of nowhere.)

her thirst for adventure reignites. and s She changes Dagat’s name to Alon and brings her into her merry band of pirates. (Run-on-sentence is better as 2. Also, there seems to be a contradiction here: above, Quinn’s deplorable, but she has a “merry band”?)

With Alon, she Quinn can finally find the hidden kingdom of the gods to free herself of debts and the Cabellucos. (All of that’s fine, but HOW? Does Dagat/Alon have some magical powers? some special knowledge? A physical key to the kingdom?)

As they journey together to win the gods’ favor and banish the Cabellucos from the islands, Alon is given a glimpse of the world beyond her own filled with joy, curiosity, and hope—things she wishes to bring to her islands— and Quinn finds (herself*) her selfish desires changing, wanting Alon’s wish to come (through true?) even if it (word missing) means she (refers to Alon, but from the context, I think you mean Quinn) can’t stay. (This is all one sentence and overly complex.)

She wants more for her than she’s ever wanted for herself. (As a pronoun will always refer back to the last person/thing mentioned, this is still referring to Alon. Try something like this instead: ...even if it means they’ll have to part. Quinn wants more for Alon than she’s ever wanted for herself.)

Their relationship blossoms into something magical and passionate neither of them expected, (lovely turn of phrase) but with the Cabellucos on their trail, time is of the essence, and the two must decide whether to return to (word missing) the lives they lost or abandon the kingdom and save their skins. (Getting to the kingdom seems to be the way to solve all their problems, so I’m not sure I see why they might abandon it. Or how it puts their lives in more danger then before.)


There are a few things I think you could leave out:
- suddenly unsure of her purpose and determined to forget the islands altogether.
- deplorable and arrogant
- of debts (this seems unrelated to anything else in the query)
- time is of the essence, and

These are little things, I know, but they will give you a few more words to play with. And at 244 words to start with, you’re just at the edge of the best length. See if maybe you can cut a couple more things out—for instance, the first paragraph mentions the children & their murders, but that never comes up again. You might replace it with Dagat being captured by the Cabellucos, which answers some of my questions later on. Not every detail needs to get into the query.

*One last note: There are some agents who abhor phrases like “finds herself”. Something more active might be better.

Hope this helps.

Gifford wrote: "Hi, Honey,

I can see a very interesting story here, but I had a bit of trouble following the plot. In some cases, there seems to be too much info, where in others there’s not enough. I’ll break it..."

WOW! Thank you so much for the thorough feedback, I think you're the first to tell me I don't need to describe what magindara means. Your notes really helped highlight what I need to work on and I'll be sure to rework it again! thanks again