Journaling discussion

Intro:
I suck at journaling so hopefully I'll remember to do this frequently... I write better digitally so here's hoping <333


I am physically and mentally dead, Nationals seriously took a toll - and now I have weeklong intensive... dude why do I even do dance.
I haven't been able to get any writing done in forever - writers block seriously sucks. I hope Ellie isn't upset with me for leaving the docs unopened for so long. I feel like all my creativity for our project is just... drained, and my mind has just attached itself to all of these plots and characters and ideas that were supposed to come afterwards. Is that bad? What happens if I can't get invested again - if we spent all those months planning and calling and writing only for me to get lost? I feel so bad. She can obviously tell that I'm not doing good anymore. Its a dumb thing to get upset about, I know, but... is it really?
I'm to tired for this. I'm gonna shower and bury myself in squishmallows while binge-watching jurassic park.
A weekend away from tech was kinda nice. I might do it permanently if I knew I wouldn't miss you all like crazy...

You have to wonder why they made the choice they did. Like, I know they couldn't see the future, but... anything would be better than this.
And I can't even tell people about it, cus they'd think I'm weird or we're weird and that I might be like her, I'm not like her because I won't let myself be like her and make her mistakes. I'm gonna be different.
I'm lonely and tired all the time. Its that feeling where you were in Chicago all weekend and your best friend had no clue cus she just didn't pay attention when you were telling her you were gonna be gone. I wonder how long it would take them to notice if I was just permanently gone.
I wonder how long it would take all of you

Aghhgghhh I don't understand why my body is doing things it shouldn't - AGAIN!!! It was awful enough last time, but now... I don't understand what I did.
Tessie was right. I was so wrong, and now I feel stupid. Most of all I feel alarmed that what she said has started to apply to me, especially with this happening again.
yay for jurassis world rebirth, though - but I feel like such a geek for being excited for something so dumb. I wanna go back to bed.

I mean... It kinda got better, but was still super annoying during intensive. Just found out we are gonna go see JWR, so that's cool.

For some reason I am super light headed, keep almost tipping over. I don't get light headed easy so I'm kinda nervous, my eyes keep unfocusing too.

I wonder what you all would think of me irl. Would you still like me, even with how bossy and weird I am? it makes me so nervous sometimes; trying to keep friends on the internet when I know I'm still gonna be lonely after I turn the laptop off.

(just thought I'd say: please don't comment on here unless its super important, but my pms are always open)

Its ok to not be ok, right?
...right?

I just want everybody to go away and be able to have my house but, but its not even my house. I just want it to not smell like cigarettes for once, and to not have twenty million people all over. I don't care if I'm being selfish I just want my life back but I don't even know if i want that anymore cus it was a lie so what's the point of reliving a lie

Owwwww my shoulders hurt so bad, I had trouble getting dressed today cus their so sore and I can barely lift my arms over my head. I must be really weak for getting so broken by that work out, it wasn't even super intense so why am I still exhausted one day later? I'll have to push harder today

current mindset = Getting Older by Billie Eilish

Praise the Lord for peach rings

**pretend I wrote some jounalish things here.**
I cannot write anymore for some reason. It scares me, I don't know where all my creativity and words went. I already knew I sucked at journaling, but I didn't know I sucked this bad...

(copy/pasted from my group's prayer request page)

I also have a prayer/praise...
so, we've been in a... interesting living situation for quite a while. We have lived one place, and our pets in another. I've missed my cat like crazy (she is blind, and not doing great health wise... I don't think she has much longer) and we haven't been able to bring the cats here because grandma doesn't like them.
BUT today she finally said they can come live with us!! This is a beam of sunlight in a very dark time for me.
The only thing is... our great grandma also lives with us. She falls easy, so we can't have animals by her or she trips over them (but my Molly is fine, because she's blind and can just set up a area for her and she'll be happy) but my brothers cat is different. He can't just have a little spot, he needs to be able to walk around - but because of our situation, he can't really.
Here's the thing.
Dash (bro's cat) can't be alone, he gets separation anxiety (big baby) which is why he's been fine with just Molly, but if we brought them here, he wouldn't be able to just stay in her little spot. But he can't have run of the house cus of grandma.
So... whether or not I get to live with my cat again before she passes on is gonna depend on whether or not my mom is willing to share her bedroom with my brother's clingy obese cat. She doesn't really like the cats, and likes her personal space and cleanliness, so... I don't have high hopes.
If Dash can't come, neither can Molly as we don't want to leave Dash alone.

I know this seems silly and dumb compared to everybody else's serious requests, but... this means a lot to me. <333

How many floating islands have you seen before?

Sometimes killing is a must!
What?

And I call this root 'Holy Moly'! (cackles)

Sounds like a plan, goddess and man, the bestest of friends!
We'll see where it ends.
ok

A woman!
What

Oh no!

I just did. What'chu gonna do about it, champ?

My time with you has been splendid - the best day of my life cus I GOT IN A FIGHT AND I DIDN'T DIE,

Tell me, though, who's Penelope?
She's my wife.
...
...
...
Anyways,

Never once has he cheated on his wife.
Release him.


(iykyk)

NO WAY yesssss i just got my splits + both straddle things!!!!! I've been trying for literally so long im dying

Dude last night was actually so scary, I had no clue what was happening or why all the lights had to be off but I was so worried for her.
At least she was there to keep me sane

I'm... not sure how I feel

Its like, I wait and wait and wait but I don't know why cus I told myself I wasn't doing this again, but then its morning and I gladly do it again. I'm just so worried

I don't know what to do

I feel like I know how its going to end, but I want to try nonetheless

i love your hair or lack of
i love your forehead.
i love your eyebrows or lack of
i love your eyelashes or lack of
i love your eyes.
i love your ears
i love your nose
i love your cheeks
i love your laugh
i love your mouth
i love your teeth or lack of
i love your chin
i love your neck
i love your smile
i love your shoulders
i love your chest
i love your arms
i love your hands
i love your tummy
i love your hips
i love your thighs
i love knees
i love your shins
i love youe feet (not in a weird way.)
i love your moles/marks
i love your scars
i love your voice
i love what you do
i love your personality
i love you on your good days
i love you on your bad days
i love you when you wear makeup
i love you when you don't wear makeup
i love your skin
i love you when you get emotional
i love when your mad
i love when your sad
i love when your happy
i love when you hate me
i love when you love me
i love when you forget me
i love your disabilities (if you have them)
i love your wheelchair/crutches/walker etc.(if you have one)
im proud of you for getting some sleep
im proud of you for trying to sleep
im proud of you for waking up
im proud of you for getting up
im proud of you for brushing your teeth
im proud of you for tending towards braces
i love your braces (if you have them)
im proud of you for brushing your hair
im proud of you for washing your face
im proud of you for doing your skincare
im proud of you for doing your makeup(if you wear it)
im proud of you for spending time to yourself
im proud of you for getting out of your room(if you have a room)
im proud of you for getting dressed
im proud of you for TRYING to eat
in proud of you for being clean
im proud of you for trying to be clean
im proud of you for being alive
im proud of you for being a good friend
im proud of you for trying to be a good friend
i wont judge you for your looks
i wont judge you for your past
i wont judge you for your race
i love your glasses (if you wear them)
i love your room(if you have one)
i love your house(if you have one)
i love your family(if you have one)
i wont judge you for your life
i wont judge you for your family
i wont judge you for your body
i wony judge you for your age
your age is beautiful
i wont judge you for your sexual orientation
i wont judge you if you read books
i wont judge you if your different
i wont judge you for your gender
i wont judge you for your money
i wont judge you for your tears
i wont judge you for your ethnicity
i wont judge you for your religion
i wont judge you if you pray
i wont judge you if you dont eat
i wont judge you if you do eat
i wont judge you for where you come from
i wont judge you for your language
you arent ugly
you arent too fat
you arent too skinny
you arent annoying
you arent mean
you arent evil
you arent crazy
if someone says kys ignore it
you arent weird
you arent worthless
you arent scarry
you arent too selfish
you arent too feminine
you arent too masculine
you arent too old
you arent too young
you arent disgusting
you arent a doormat
you arent a toy
you arent a monster
i hope you overcome your bad thoughts
i hope you overcome your depression
i hope you treat yourself well
your skin isnt paper so dont cut it
your life isnt a movie so dont end it
your neck isnt a coat so dont hang it
your face isnt a mask so dont hide it
your heart isnt a door so dont lock it
you arent perfect, nobody is, but your perfect in my eyes
you are beautiful
you are pretty
you are handsome
you are kind
you are cool
you are everything you want to be
i wont judge you for anything
im so proud of you

(copy/pasted from a group)

UGH I did it again, I was such an idiot to think it could be different this time. I'm not doing this ever again, not until I can be sure it will work. I should have done that all along.